8 Years and Counting...

And if the house just keeps on winning
I got a wildcard up my sleeve
And if love keeps giving me lemons
I'll just mix 'em in my drink (tea for me)
And if the whole wide world stops singing
And all the stars go dark
I turn the light on in my soul
And keep a bluebird in my heart
                 — Bluebird by Miranda Lambert


This song is my anthem these days.  After a string of layoffs I find myself living with my mom at the tender age of 40.  I am working, thankfully, so that I can pay my car note and credit cards but this job has also taken away my favorite past time - hiking.  I am on my feet all day, walking all day, lifting the majority of the day so I am just spent whenever I do get a day at home.  And oh, how I love my days off.  I get to sleep in a little bit, make my favorite breakfast and chill with a cup of tea by the back bay window.  I spend some time in thought and that’s where you catch me today.  Aside from turning 40 this year, I am also turning 8 in sober years.  August 26, 2012, Los Angeles, CA - that day changed my life forever.

I never understood how some people claim to not need meetings.  Robert Downey Jr for instance says all you need is a decision.  You just have to decide not to…. Other people feel that repeating the words “I am an alcoholic or an addict”, brings negative energy to you, making it belong to you, making it personal when it’s really just an allergy.  People with a gluten allergy don’t eat gluten so people with mind altering allergies don’t do mind altering substances.  Period and Donzo.  I think I am somewhere in-between.  

During COVID I read Eckhart Tolle’s famous book, The Power of Now and subsequently participated in his Conscious Manifestation class.  I gained a lot of insight into how my mind is mostly out for itself unless I direct it towards a specific goal for a specific amount of time.  I also learned that I am not my mind, I like everyone else, just happen to have one at my disposal. 

Miranda Lambert’s Bluebird has become my anthem lately.  I am in a letting go of a lot of wants and desires.  What good has wanting them ever done anyhow?  It just keeps me in a state of stress and unhappiness.  As Eckhart says I am doing my best to not judge the now, but instead to live with the actuality of it.  The actuality is always light, simple and black and white.  Judgement is always heavy and grey.  For example, my right now could be deemed unlivable by some who think being 40, broke, not married and forced to live at home in a dead end retail job is the absolute worst that could happen to them.  My reality is I have a means to pay bills and keep my car, I have a roof over my head and a comfy bed to sleep in at night and I get to spend some time with family while we are in the same city.  Two tales, same scenario, one full of judgement and one full of actuality.  

Today I had an ego moment.  I thought the actor who introduced me to Eckhart Tolle liked one of my tweets.  I spent the morning with a bit of an ego boost you might say.  Later in the day, much more awake, I looked at it again and discovered it was a mirror account and not the actor’s account.  Oh hell… I thought to myself and then I thought why did it even matter to me?  It never should have.  Why should some celebrity have any bearing on my inner state of happiness?  He shouldn’t.  Nor should anyone for that matter.  A social media like shouldn’t mean so much.  It can be icing, but it should never be cake.  

And this is how I want to live my life going forward.  Less concerned about the likes and more concerned with growing my own inner peace and happiness from within.  Less concerned with how my life looks to others and more concerned with how my life is currently serving me.  I’d rather keep an eye out for how God and the Universe have my back in every moment and circumstance rather than anything else.  And I’d like to share what works for me along the way… I guess that’s where meetings do come in for me.  I want to share what can happen when you let go and let God do what only He can do in you.  It’s also nice to hear what He does in others too!

If you are out there struggling just remember that everything is temporary including the feelings and cravings that have you at your knees.  Also remember that you are so much more than any mental or emotional addiction and if it helps treat it like you would treat any other allergy and just don’t partake.  Do that in every moment of every day and you’ll string together a sober life.