Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the                              exact nature of our wrongs.

Well, I guess, the one thing that is worse than the making of the list is the confessing of its contents out loud to another human being. One of the many great secrets of the steps is learning  that being open and honest in the naming our faults, resentments and fears is the key to removing their power over us.  Whatever it is, it doesn’t seem so big and so damaging once it is out in the open.  More often than not, we find that the person listening to our list of complaints against ourselves and most, if not all of humanity, not only understands us, but has either had similar feelings, been through similar situations, or have done the very thing we thought would ensure our rejection.  There are a lot of people in AA who fear that once they spill their beans that the organization will kick them out.  That their sponsor or accountability partner will smile and nod and then not return their phone calls.  All sorts of wild scenarios occur in the minds of those who haven’t completed the 5th step.  

The thing is we do this to ourselves in our own lives all of the time.  Well, at least I do.  One of the many pieces of wisdom I learned from my own journey through the steps is that I have this pattern of pre-determining anyone’s reaction to anything I have in my past, present or future (including my own reaction).  I already know how person A, B & C are going to respond to this information so why even go there?  Why be vulnerable? Why even start this friendship or this relationship?  Okay, so maybe you’re not as bad as I am, but we all do this to a certain extent in out lives.  And yes, there is a healthy and helpful version of this pattern that we also use, but when we take ourselves out of the game based on our presumptions about how other people might respond - we are definitely on the unhealthy side of the spectrum.  ​

Doing the 5th step taught me that I am not as alone as I once thought.  Other people have similar feelings, fears and insecurities.  The 5th step also taught me that some of the things that were done to me have also been done to others.  And that some of the things I have done that I prefer to never speak of again - have also been done by other people on  this planet.  We sometimes get it in our head that no one will ever understand or that no one has ever gone through what we’ve gone through or done what we’ve done, but the simple truth is - they have!  We aren’t as alone as we think we are and this is a gift from Step 5.  

In my personal step five journey, I learned that some of the events I was holding myself accountable for had to go off my list because they belonged on someone else’s list and in turn, I learned that I needed to put my reaction to those events on my list because that was the part I was responsible for.  Step five, for me, was the beginning of the healing process.  I learned about myself, I learned about my sponsor and I learned about how the events in my life had shaped me for better and for worse and I learned that the ones that shaped me for worse didn’t have to stay that way.  I could learn to let the bad experiences shape me for the better.  But it all started with the decision to be vulnerable and confess my past and present to my trusted sponsor and be willing to dive in and discuss as my sponsor deemed necessary.

Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.​

Nobody likes step four, in fact, more people quit the steps because of fear of step four and most people relapse because they are not doing a portion of step four that is found in a later step.  Step four, like it or not, is an essential part of the recovery process.  Without it, the steps just don’t work.  Step four is where the rubber meets the road so to speak.  It’s the step where you find out if you truly want recovery and the new life it brings.  The funny part is that step four does not live up to the fear surrounding it.  There are different ways to do step four, but most of them involve a chart where you list your grievance, why it bothers you, how it affects you and that column where you state your part in it.  Ouch! Right?  A good sponsor will give you a pre-determined amount of time to come up with a list.  Note: you will most likely do many fourth steps in your life so don’t freak out and try to tackle everything in your life at once.  Don’t get upset if you can’t remember everything and for crying out loud, don’t worry about forgetting something because it will not destroy your recovery.  That little voice that is telling you that you can’t move forward until you have everything written down is actually your addiction trying to stall you so it can get out of this recovery thing!  Don’t listen to it!  

What you should do is make the list the best you can.  Ask your Higher Power to bring out the important things and trust that what comes out is what you are supposed to hash over with your sponsor at this time.  I can tell you that my first fourth step was definitely not all - encompassing.  I left a lot of stuff off by accident.  Some of it, I believe, was because I needed to deal with certain stuff before I could deal with the rest.  I also believe that as we grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually.. we begin to see things that we couldn’t see back at the beginning of our journey which makes it impossible to get every person, place and thing in one swoop.  Whatever your Higher Power brings to mind during your fourth step time frame - write it down on the chart, work it out, hash it out and learn from it.  Don’t worry about what you can’t remember and trust that what you do remember is there for a reason.

I would also like to remind you that you get out of the steps exactly what you put into them.  The same is true with everything in life, whether it is your on-going recovery, a relationship or a job - you get out what you put into it so do your best with the steps, but don’t get paranoid about it.  Keep contact with your Higher Power trusting He or She to guide you along your recovery journey.  Step four is where it all really begins…. Steps 1 through 3 were prep work for what is to come.  Stay the course and keep your why in the front of your mind.  And get excited… Everyone says the magic happens somewhere between step four and step 12…

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says  that the first requirement of Step 3 is nothing more than being convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success.  It goes on to say that when running on self-will we almost always find ourselves in collision with something or someone even though our motives are good.  We have to stop playing the role of CEO in our lives and understand that we are merely subjects of a CEO who knows best.  Instead of trying to get what we can out of life, we need to start looking for what we can contribute to life and therein lay the dynamic shift that makes life worth living again.

Step 3, like the majority of the steps, is  as simple as it is complex.  The founding principle is the mere recognition that we don’t know what is best for us.  This sets us up for the idea that someone outside of ourselves might be smarter and wiser and able to steer us into a better life.  It is easy for me to look back at some of my grand decisions and ask myself why in the world did I make that decision.  I can look back at several cross roads in my life where I was sure that I was making the right decision, but now believe I was throwing opportunity after opportunity away.  In fact, most of my big life decisions have been wrong.  Moreover, many of my inconsequential decisions have also been wrong.  How many times has the decision on where to eat fallen on my shoulders and how many times I have selected the worst place the group could have gone?  In each of those circumstances, I had a still small voice prodding me to go somewhere new or that place I went to once and loved, but I was trying to make a decision that was equal in distance and had something for everyone and as a result we all ended up hating our lunch.  I didn’t listen to the still, small voice whom I call my Higher Power.

Turning our lives  and wills over to the care  of God as we understand Him is nothing more than choosing to listen to that still, small voice and choosing to do what it says. Turning our lives and wills over to the care of God as we understand Him is also inviting our Higher Power into our daily decisions, daily struggles and daily mental chatter.  It is taking to time to speak to, pray to or meditate on our Higher Power.  It is simple and complex at the same time.  Simple to do and hard to carry out in all of our affairs.  But this one step is the foundation for all the steps to come so take time to get this one down.   The good news is there is no right or wrong way to really do Step 3 as it involves inviting in and listening to your Higher Power and trying to follow its lead in all areas of your life.​

If you don’t yet have a Higher Power of your understanding you can create your own Higher Power.  It is recommended that your Higher Power be an all-knowing entity that loves you and only wants the best for you.  This makes it easier to invite Him or Her into your life. If it helps you can think of your Higher Power as an all-knowing mentor who just wants to help you be the best you that you can be. The idea of yielding to someone can be hard for some of us, but I think of it like yielding to a paramedic after a crash. We are flailing around trying to figure out what happened and fighting off anyone who comes near us, but then a smiling paramedic shows up and grabs us and tells us to stop fighting and to stop moving.  It’s not safe since we don’t know what might be happening to us on the inside so we stop moving and allow the paramedic to do a scan of our injuries, ask us questions and tell us what he or she recommends next.  We allow ourselves to be placed on a board, secured and then placed on a gurney and lifted into an ambulance.  We allow that ambulance to take us to a hospital where we are greeted by nurses and an ER doctor who asks us more questions and we allow them to do whatever they think we need because we are operating under the assumption that they are working to make sure we are okay.  Working with and yielding to a Higher Power is one in the same.  We listen for guidance and follow promptings or proddings knowing that our Higher Power is working to make sure we are okay now and in a future that we cannot see.  This is essentially, step 3.

Step 2: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Principle 2: Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover.

I have to admit I didn’t have a hard time with this step.  I came into the rooms of AA with a solid awareness of who my Higher Power was and is… but I was not so sure that He wanted to help me recover.  I did have one of those crazy spiritual experiences, but I thought it was either sobriety or death and I wasn’t sure which was better.  I entered the rooms of AA very reluctantly.  On the one hand, I was desperate to learn how to be sober, but on the other hand I thought my life was over.  I was an anxiety ridden introvert inept at pretty much everything life required of me unless I had alcohol in my system.  I assumed that while God was giving me a chance to not die at that moment, He would not be doing anything further.  I assumed I would live out my days in misery and solitude to make up for all the mistakes, failures, and downright refusals on my side of the street.  Up until that moment, I had chosen alcohol over everything: over a career in the music industry, over family, over friends, over my health, over my faith, over my own self respect, over my finances,  over relationships… I chose alcohol over everything and I assumed it was my turn to chose God over everything thereby having a horrible, but sober life from that moment forward.  Luckily, I had some great sponsors in the beginning and they told me one very important thing: If your God stepped in to stop you in your tracks then He must care about you.  Then they had me make a list of all of the things I was so lucky to have not had happen to me…. Like that night I couldn’t even sit up in my jeep, got pulled over and somehow managed to persuade the officer to let me drive home since I only lived a few blocks away.  A DUI during college would have seriously hampered my otherwise stellar academic achievements.  I continued to list all of the times I had blacked out and one of my friends got me home like that night I passed out at the Cheryl Crow concert (in the front row) because I drank a pint of JD in the restroom.  I never woke up.  The concert was at Mud Island Amphitheater meaning one of my guy friends had to carry me on foot back over to dry land, down a bunch of stairs and across a giant parking lot to our cars.  I am very lucky nothing happened.  There was also the night I had the grand idea to drink Captain Morgan and chase it with 99 Bananas before a George Clinton concert.  I got left in a crack house with a friend of a friend to sleep it off and was picked up later and taken home.  Again nothing happened to me.  While I was not spared every time,I was spared most of the time.  It turns out what my sponsors and accountability partners said was true:  I must matter to God or He wouldn’t keep bothering with me.  

I don’t think I ever really thought about being restored to sanity.  I just knew I had to get sober and I was lucky to be desperate enough to get a sponsor, go through the steps and do everything that was asked of me.  I think that is why I have stayed sober - I still have that gift of desperation six years later.  Going off track here - But, the number one reason I have seen people relapse is because they push back while doing the steps.  They want to do the steps their way and not the way their sponsor is insisting they do them.  Again, I didn’t ask questions or argue.  I did what I was told for the first time in my life and it worked.  I am still sober today.  That’s incredible considering I used to add vodka to pretty much every meal including breakfast.

If you are not one of those who came into the rooms with a sense of your Higher Power - don’t freak out.  You don’t have to prescribe to any specific religion nor do you have to have an all knowing being in the sky.  I once knew a lady whose story is terrific and horrible at the same time.  She was so fried mentally (from drugs and alcohol) that she could not remember anything anyone told her.  She got court ordered to attend rehab after rehab and would get kicked out of every single one until one lovely rehab center professional realized what was wrong.  She was given a person to shadow while in rehab.  In other words, whatever this other person did - she did the same.  With her shadow leading the way she was able to make it to all of the group sessions and no longer got in trouble for not showing up.  This same recovery center got very creative when it came time for her to have a Higher Power of her understanding… They got her a giant white bear and she took that bear with her everywhere and she talked to it like it was her Higher Power.  At some point down the road she was able to identify a new and more logical Higher Power, but the bear worked.  It was an outside entity that cared about her and wanted the best for her and she treated it as such and it worked.  That lady is now a drug and alcohol abuse professional living and working in Los Angeles.  She is an amazing person and her story is proof that your Higher Power can be anything you are comfortable with - just don’t let the “God” thing stop you.  The steps work. Period.  This story kind of leads into Step three so I will pick up the trail on the next post…

​

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

Principle 1: I realize I am not God.  I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.

I took the above step and principle from Celebrate Recovery since it allows for any habit as opposed to just mine.  The notion that one must admit defeat before one can rise in triumph is not new.  Many heroic stories follow the same notion where the lead character must hit bottom, before he or she is able to to start on a new path and slowly rise to a new life full of love, friendship and success.  The movie I watched last night on Hallmark even followed this notion!  A young woman had dreams of opening a business with her soon to be finance who was away for a period of time.  Upon his return, he broke things off ending her dream of launching their business and leaving her futureless. She accepted defeat and continued working where she had always worked until she met someone who helped her realize she could start the business on her own via a chance to do work for the town’s most notable resident.  And yes, in true Hallmark fashion she ended up with a successful career and a sweet, gorgeous mate to boot.

While life may not always resemble a Hallmark movie, it does parallel many of the themes.  I guess we cannot make room for the new in our lives until we relinquish some of the old.  I was lucky when I entered the rooms of AA.  I already knew I was an alcoholic - I actually had zero doubts about that.  I did not, however, see why it was an issue until I was penniless and almost dead.  My drinking had taken its toll on my body and my career and I was unknowingly at a dangerous crossroad when my Higher Power stepped in.  I knew that alcohol wasn’t working for me anymore and that in my condition, any drug would kill me.  I also knew that I couldn’t keep going - my road had turned into a dead end with a brick wall that extended into the heavens.  I knew my life was a wreck.  I knew that my life was unmanageable.  I knew that something had to change… and so I entered the rooms of AA …​

Admitting defeat is not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength.  It’s important to know when you can handle a situation and it is equally important to know when you need to ask for help.  We do it all the time in other areas of our lives so why not with our mental, emotional and spiritual well being?  If you are sick and tired of being sick and tired - you only have one of two options:  You can admit that your life has become unmanageable because of your drug or mental issue and accept that you have to change OR you can keep trodding down the road you are on knowing that nothing will ever change.

I admit that I am an alcoholic.  I admit that I have amazing self control in almost every other area of my life, that I am intelligent, self-sufficient, resourceful and reliable - except when it comes to alcohol.  I take one drink, I will eventually take a million and loose everything including my life.  It was scary to admit this, but in admitting this truth I opened the door for a new path to unfold before me.

Happy Holidays!… Everyone seems to be saying this with giant grins on their faces, but for many of us, the holidays can be very tough.  Whether you find yourself alone for a myriad or reasons, or find yourself surrounded by way too many people… The holidays can just be tough.  From financial stress to already packed schedules getting bombarded with more activities to having to be nice to that one relative that always enjoys pushing your buttons…to the parties and family dinners where everyone is having a glass of something bubbly… except for you.  The holidays are a great time of generosity and gathering with loved ones, but for us alcoholics/addicts the holidays can be a time of great stress - emotional, physical and spiritual stress at that!  So what do you do?  I’m going to share some of the things I do for myself to keep myself semi - sane and fully sober during the holidays.

#1. I stick to my rules - Mainly, I stick to the rule that says I don’t go anywhere when I know in advance that I will be the only one not drinking.  Even if it is family.  (if I show up somewhere and find I am the only one not drinking - I leave - gasp!) And I know other people who stick to this rule too!  It can be hard because sometimes it means spending time alone or it can mean sitting in on several meetings in a row or it can mean curling up on the couch to some of your favorite holiday movies - the ones that make you really happy and not the ones that make you sad.  It can also mean making those sobriety check calls - you know the ones where you’re the one who needs help, but instead you call and check on others to make sure they are okay?  Service work does wonders which brings me to the next point….
#2. Service Work - I find that the holiday season is a great time to take commitments in meetings and in the greater metro area.  This season I have commitments in AA and at church.  I am serving in some of my church’s Christmas Eve services and I have signed up to take 12 step calls on the weekend before Christmas.  The 12 step call commitment has me brushing up on my AA knowledge and I have picked up some more meetings to be prepared for what my come my way on my weekend to receive calls from those who feel their sobriety is in jeopardy.  Another commitment I picked up is chairing a local meeting in January.  Obviously, I have to make it through the holidays and stay sober to chair a meeting in January and I have to start going to that meeting so I know a little bit about the people who tend to show up there.  All of this service work is helping me to feel useful, purposeful and it gives me a sense of belonging to my local community.  
#3. Keep the emotional boundaries Up! - Oh it can be so hard, but one of the many blessings of my addiction is the ability to recognize when something is really aimed at me and when I am just someone’s target for the night.  Family members all mean well, but they don’t always treat us well all of the time.  Whether it is someone going off on you for something you did or did not do ten years ago or whether it is someone repeatedly dogging you for an area of your life that you are trying to work on… these conversations always seem to show up whenever relatives are around.  I always try to listen to the person and ask my Higher Power if there is anything I need to take and chew on from the altercation.  If so , I do just that.  I take it and I chew on it and I learn from it.  What I do not do is  cry my eyes out and allow the other person to make me feel small, worthless and helpless because I know how far I have come from the person I used to be.  
#4. Give yourself room to breathe. - Recognize when you need a minute or an hour to two.  Allow yourself time to recharge whether that means retiring to your room and a good book, taking a long walk alone or taking yourself to the movie theatre and getting lost in the story on the screen.  Everyone has limits and it is important to recognize your own limits and honor them.  If you do, you will return from your break recharged and ready to enjoy the rest of the festivities for that day or night.  If you don’t honor your own limits you might end up in an argument or fight and nobody wants that!

So those are my go-to’s for surviving the holidays.  I really do enjoy this time of the year as I am a big gift giver and this year I can actually afford to spoil my family with some much needed gift-love.  This hasn’t been the case in the past so I am especially joyful this year.  But even with all my extra joy - I am still enacting all of the above because I know that I have to keep my priorities in order: God, Sobriety, Everything and Everyone else!  

It is not always easy to be thankful for your current circumstances.  Trust me when I say that I have had and am dealing with my fair share of unwanted situations.  Unfortunately, the outcome of my effort is not up to me.  If it was, I would have a very different life than the one I am living, but that does not mean that I cannot find joy even when in a season of discomfort. 
 
It has been said that much of our well being as well as our sobriety hinges on our ability to surrender to the situation at hand… to recognize and accept the things we cannot change – whether it is for a season or  for a lifetime… and the courage to change the things we can – also for a season or for a lifetime.

I had a hard time when I returned to my hometown as a sober person.  I enjoyed living the coastal life and I enjoyed having ample opportunities for hiking and climbing.  The area of the country that I moved to is rather flat with extreme weather swinging from bone-chilling cold to life threatening heat.  I admit that I went through a season of complaining.  I complained about everything I could until I finally got sick of hearing my own broken record.  I decided to heed my own advice and do what had worked for me in other cities I had moved to in the past.  I got active in researching and reaching out to groups I could find through online and social media channels to create opportunities for myself.  As a result, I have spent the past two months of Saturdays on day-hiking trips to neighboring states.  I’ve also expanded into canoe and kayak trips and I have to say that I forgot how much I love paddling down a river!  In short, the place I hated so much, doesn’t seem so bad anymore.  The reason being that I stopped complaining and started trying to find a solution to my madness.  I may not have giant mountains to hike and a beautiful ocean within 30 minutes of my current city, but I have found that day trips aren’t so bad.  It’s actually quite nice to get out of town even if for a day for some exploration with other nature/outdoor enthusiasts.  And I am continuing to find new groups and opportunities for adventures… It’s like that saying in AA… just show up and the rest will take care of itself… 
 
Another area that was a big problem for me was a lack of a good church home.  I visited a church with my mom one Sunday and I’ve been going back ever since.  I have had to really trust my Higher Power on this one because from the outside – this church didn’t appear to have anything for me.  I just knew that I had an overwhelming sense of peace every time I went to the contemporary service and so I continued to go back.  Once again, I had a decision to make… keep going to a church that I don’t know why I am going to or find out if there is a reason I keep getting called back.  I again, took action…. I signed up for a Newcomer class, found out about volunteering in the church and found that there are classes and groups for people my age along with subject based classes I am interested in… And again… that just show up thing worked and the rest took care of itself.
 
I mentioned that I got tired of hearing my own broken record earlier in this post.  I had a heart to heart with my Higher Power.  I told Him the things that I needed to be happy here like regular opportunities for outdoor adventures, a good church home and good friends and/or a significant other.  So far the first two have been checked off!  But, they would not have been checked off had I chosen to continue to complain instead of choosing to seek out ways to meet my must-haves for a happy Jessica.  I had to do the work.  I had to reach out.  I had to try new things.  I had to put myself out there, be willing to drive a couple of hours to hike with people I didn’t know… I had to show up.
 
If you’re in a season of complaining right now, I challenge you to sit down, grab some tea or coffee or whatever you enjoy and take some time to think about what you can change about your life right now.  Maybe you are like me in that you have to find a way to be happy where you are even though it’s not where you want to be.  Make a list of your must-haves and then brainstorm things you can do to try and cultivate more of your must-haves in your life. Regardless of your location, interests or schedule… there is a way to get more of what makes you happy in your life… You just have to be willing to do the work… and to show up….the rest will take care of itself.
 
Some of you might be asking, ‘”What? No spiel on counting your blessings?”  No, because I find that when you leave complaining behind and move into the act of solving your problem – you eventually find your blessings and you tend to start counting them too.

 I have to admit that I have not been following my own advice as of late.  I haven’t really been to an AA, CR or any other type of addiction support meeting in a few months. I watch the TV show Mom a lot, but I can’t count that as a meeting even though it does deal with addiction on a regular basis…  I know I need to go, but I have been letting my job situation (see last post) become the only focus in my life.   And to be truthful, it is that much harder to make myself go to a meeting when I’ve been home all day job hunting and cleaning stuff out.  I give myself the ‘why put clothes and makeup on if I don’t have to’ speech and I am pretty convincing. Plus there is that dread of having to replay the broken record of ‘I lost my job again’ to the good ladies of Alcoholics Anonymous.  I can become reclusive at the drop of a hat and I am becoming aware that I am doing so right now!
 
A funny thing happened this morning as I was making my morning cup of tea.  I recalled that my brother said the best way to get Bragg’s Apple Cider Vinegar in your system is to take a shot straight.  So I took the shot straight and I really enjoyed the slow burning sensation that traveled down my esophagus and into my stomach and I immediately wanted to take more shots.  I loved the feeling and quickly realized that’s how it used to feel when I would take shots of liquor!  Only an alcoholic/addict would take a shot of Apple Cider Vinegar and have that reaction!  I don’t know what to say other than it was another reminder to get my ass back in meetings.  I mean I have no reason not to go.  It doesn’t cost money and if Hercules is acting up I can always go down the list of numbers and have someone come get me.  I might do that anyway because then you know… I have to get in the car.  Tearing off the band-aid is always the hardest part… What comes after is easy.
 
I have been mysteriously sick this week, but I am going to make myself return to meetings next week.  I might even make myself go to some not so familiar morning meetings to ease my way back in… you know tell my broken record story of job loss yet again to someone who might not have heard it yet.  I am also making myself do some stuff outside of the house!  I am volunteering at my church and going to a class on Sunday mornings so I have to show up.  I also have some hikes lined up for the remainder of October, which will get me back to one of my favorite places – discovering new ground on a trail in the woods.  I am hopeful that the activities of the next few weeks will get me back to my normal self and I am of course hopeful for either a temporary or permanent job to come through to allow me to finish paying off my debt this year (again, see last post).  One thing I cannot afford to do is to recoil into a little ball and suffer alone.  My health is coming back and I am going back out there to experience life in community, which is how I believe it was intended.
 
I’m curious… what do you guys do when you feel yourself recoiling?  Or when you become aware of the fact that you haven’t left your house in a week? (work does not count)  What are your action steps?  Feel free to share below!

I have learned in AA that any time I find myself acting out there must be an emotion lurking underneath that is causing the outburst. Before recovery I never questioned those instances where I found myself vying for best temper tantrum with any two year old sprawled out on the floor of any store isle in the country.  I just went off and wreaked havoc on every one around me like a hurricane tearing through an unsuspecting coastal town.  I never thought about the why behind my outbursts, I just figured I was angry and I was… but there is always something else behind anger.  No one is ever just angry.  Pride and fear are the top two contenders for me.  Food and sleep are always there too, but that type of anger seems to be of a more superficial type.  Today I am talking about real, scary, out of this world anger that erupts from deep in your soul.
 
I had this type of anger come upon me this past week.  I was at work, sitting in my office just fuming.  If I could have been foaming at the mouth, I would have been.  I was that angry.  I was literally spewing vile words from my mouth.  I just kept going off to no one in particular, after all, it really wasn’t about them was it?  No, it was about me.  At first I thought I am angry because my co-workers don’t respect me now that they are going on to new jobs with the company that took over our office.  How were they not respecting me you ask?  Well, they had the absurd notion to give me work to do that fell within the boundaries of my job title!  I mean come on!  How rude of them! 
 
As I continued to spew foul frustrations from my mouth, I had said co-workers come to my office to see if I was okay.  I told one of them that I had a lot hitting me that day.  I hadn’t really emotionally dealt with the fact that I had to have some skin cancer removed from my leg and how it sucks to know that 11 years after detecting my first Melanoma that it was still coming for me.  I also told this co-worker that I couldn’t get my job hunting done because I was having to do so much work for other people and that those other people should understand my situation and not give me work to do even though it is my job to do such work.  That last bit had some actual truth to it…
 
I knew my behavior was just uncalled for and so I turned on my favorite band and sat and my desk and got busy doing the work I did not want to do and then I paused.  I asked my Higher Power why I was behaving this way, feeling this way… I finally asked the real question that needed answering… What emotion is underneath this outburst?  What am I really upset about?
 
The answer came quickly.  FEAR.  I was afraid!  I was afraid of loosing all of the financial ground I had worked so hard to gain this year while living at home.  It was really hard for me to come back to the Memphis area and equally as hard to admit that I needed to stay at home for a couple of years to get myself back on track financially.  It is hard for any grown adult to do this and after 5 years of sobriety and bouncing around the country in dead-end jobs trying to make something of myself somewhere – I was forced to go home after staying in friends homes for a few months at a time because I couldn’t afford a studio apartment and I couldn’t find a decent roommate situation.  I eventually tired of living out of boxes and having all of my stuff crammed in my car all of the time.  I eventually went home.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom and my brother and I love spending time with them….
 
Anywho, back to where I was going – FEAR.  I was trying to make it about pride, but it was all really about Fear.  I was afraid for my future.  I was afraid of what might be around the corner EVEN THOUGH my Higher Power had recently given me a thought that I wrote down and kept with me.  I actually woke up with this thought in my head, “All is well, you just can’t see it yet.”  These are the words given to me a couple of days before my meltdown.  My Higher Power, whom I choose to call Jesus was intervening on my behalf.  He knew the weight of the circumstances would crush me and so He gave me a word.  The problem was I didn’t take it to heart.  I didn’t let it seep into my soul as truth.  I chose to look at the giant cloud looming just ahead of me and make that my truth instead and I was crushed.
 
As soon as I realized that fear was causing my outburst, I prayed and relinquished that fear to God.  I chose to read that word He had given me and make it my truth.  If He says all is well, but I just can’t see it yet, then I have no reason to worry.  I am doing my part and applying to jobs like crazy.  I am also reigning in my funds and moving to more of a rationing budget.  I am hoping for a job in October so that I can use my stay bonus as a down payment for a new car (but that’s another story because I am going to have a hard time letting go of Hercules) instead of using it to pay off the remainder of my debt.  Either way, I will still be debt free by the end of this year.
 
The magic of AA is that I no longer just have outbursts.  I don’t live on an emotional roller coaster anymore.  I now know how to handle my emotions.  I know how to look underneath and find out the real cause to my actions.  Whatever issue comes up first is usually the secondary issue with a primary issue lurking just a little further down.  In my case my secondary issue was pride with my primary issue being the fear of the future.  Once the issue was named, it lost a lot of its power.  Once I knew what I was fighting, I knew how to attack it.  In my case, I turned my thoughts around by taking my truth back, which is the real truth.  Even if I do loose some ground financially and cannot use the bonus to buy a new car, I will still be debt free by the end of the year and I will have a roof over my head and food to eat since I am staying at my mom’s house.  Everything will be okay no matter what happens.  The weight that was crushing me wasn’t even my weight to carry.  I gave that to Jesus and meditated on the words He gave me a couple of days prior, “All is well, you just can’t see it yet”.