Adventure

With a name like adventure, you might be surprised as to what this post is about.  I know I am.  I am on an adventure of sorts.  An adventure of the soul where I am fully embracing my past, my present, and my future - whatever it may be.  I am accepting realities I don’t want to accept and trusting that God has something in store for me yet.

I was doing a self love exercise this weekend and my answers to some of the questions floored me.  It is so easy for me to remind myself of everything I have done wrong and every single little thing I do wrong in the present, but I have not allowed myself to realize the wins.  When I started this blog up again, my very first post was on alcohol and how I came to realize it just doesn’t work for me.  I talked about how it just slowly takes over every time I start drinking again.  What I did not share is that I battled addiction on and off for most of my life.  I actually often wonder what my life would have been like if I had not had to quit soccer so early.  It was the only thing I loved more than what a bottle could do for me and it kept my addiction at bay for many, many years.  What came up in the exercise was the simple fact that I am forgiving myself for my addiction and someone chimed in and you conquered it.  I know some people reading this might not like that thought or language and if it isn’t safe for you - then please stop reading and click off the page.

It’s true.  I did finally conquer it.  I cannot explain it.  I came to an understanding about myself.  I have done life with it and I have done life without it and I finally understand that I cannot have it in my life.  The yearning is gone.  The desire is gone.  I’m good.  I’m a different person.  A person who does not drink.  I can go to bars and breweries and sit with people having a drink and it doesn’t phase me.  It’s just not something I do.  I don’t want to.  I love who I am.  I love myself more.  I’m just as happy ordering a hot tea with flowers floating in it and I know what I’m  saying, who I am with and I can drive myself home, get up early the next morning and do whatever I need to do the next day.  I love sobriety, actually.  I am very discerning about who is allowed into my life these days.  I even snoop on people a while before following them on social media.  I am that guarded with my energy.  Only good energy allowed.  Only good people, healthy people, positive people, people growing and flowing in the same direction as I am - in my life and online.

I also conquered crippling anxiety.  I don’t think I’ve given myself credit for that one either.  Now days, I understand how to push through it instead of letting it destroy my life.  I mean I spent an entire New Year’s Eve in a bathroom one year because I was hyperventilating and couldn’t stop myself!  I went from being that girl to being someone who can give talks on stage to a large audience.  I even served as a host for a celebrity filled event that had me constantly finding new ways to remind the audience of why we were all there (it was for charity) and trading jokes with the celebrity speakers both on and off stage!

So what adventure am I on?  The adventure of learning to love myself and my life no matter what it looks like.  I forgave myself for many things in that exercise.  I cried for a couple of hours a cry that was from so deep within it startled me.  I forgave myself for being terrified of all men because a few were severely cruel to me.  I forgave myself for never realizing how pretty I actually am.   I forgave myself for using money like some people use sex and as a result living in the deepest financial hole imaginable and not being able to move back to the coast or travel with friends.

I believe in giving credit where credit is due.  I am a writer and a photographer and I come from a songwriter and have some poets in the family.  It is just ingrained in me to always give credit where credit is due, but I haven’t given myself credit for what I have done right, for what I continue to do right.  I haven’t given myself credit for the wars I have won and I have won many besides the two I mentioned above.

The adventure I am on is one where I embrace my wins more than I fret about my falls.  The adventure I am on is one where I look up to God and ask what’s next, instead of looking down and asking what now.  The adventure I am on is becoming a very exciting one.