Birth-Day

I always tend to get depressed around my birthday.  Even when life is going really, really well.  This year that is not the issue.  I mean I am mentally, and emotionally well.  I really am.  I am creating healthy habits in all areas of my life and making a lot progress.  It’s just that my patience is wearing thin.  I am about one year into a three year deal and persistence has never been my thing.  I try hard for a little while and then shrug my shoulders and move on to something else.  That’s just who I am.  Only this time I cannot move on.  I must stay the damn course!

I recently looked at the Intentions I had set to be completed by my birthday - the things I was wanting to manifest.  I got none.  I could cheat and say I got part of one because I said I wanted to be healthy and stronger and I have lost over 20 lbs at this writing and one could deduce that to get healthy and strong one has to lose weight and then put on strength so I am giving myself half of that one.  But, yeah, I got nothing else.

I am reading a book called Trust Your Vibes.  I’ve read it before, but it is hitting different this time. In the book, Sonia says something along the lines of asking what your story is now and stay focused on that instead of getting overwhelmed by the future or caught up in the past.  So I have been asking God what is my story now?  What is it?  Hello??? HELLO???  The other day I finally got a response and it wasn’t what I wanted to hear.  It was what I am doing.  Paying off debt.  That’s it.  Nothing more and nothing less, just pay off your damn debt.  You see I am getting bored.  I need something else to work toward, but what can you work towards that costs zero money?  Nada, that’s what.  So my life is apparently going to be paying off debt and looking for a better job or a second job to pay off that debt for the next few years???  This is the pill I am swallowing right now.  It’s one of those giant, grainy pills that somehow never goes down with the water and when it does finally go down it always gets caught in your throat and you feel it for like 20 minutes after it finally sails on down the pipe.

This is my life right now.  My friends are living their best lives going vacation hopping and I am trying to dig myself out of a crater with a tiny plastic spoon.  I just keep telling myself that I must be learning all of these lessons for a reason.  There must be something coming into my orbit, into my life that requires the new and improved Jessica.  There will be good out of this, it’s just that I am far enough into the tunnel that I can no longer see the light from which I came and not far enough in the tunnel to see the light to which I am going.  I am in the dark, but if I keep walking, I know I will eventually begin to see a little light and that little light will grow and grow and grow until I am walking out of the tunnel and into a brand new life.  Until then, you know where to find me - in the pit with my tiny plastic spoon maybe even signing a little tune.