JESSICA LYNN LEE
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Fresh Start

1/10/2025

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2025 doesn’t feel like a fresh start, if anything, it feels like the last three years continued.  I have been brought face to face with my inability to realize the situation for what it is.  I am being reminded of each and every time God has provided a miraculous way out and I swatted it away.  I am being reminded of the many times God has tried to set me up in careers some only dream about and I said No.  I am being reminded of the insanity of my own mind and my own inability to surrender no matter what situation I am putting myself in.  I am being shown just how blind and defiant I am.  This has been my last month of 2024 and so I ask why?  What am I to do with this knowledge of my own ineptness?

I fee like I am entering a time of withdrawal. I am letting go.  I am giving up.  I am of a singular focus.  I am entering a hermit season.  2025 is the year of the hermit for me.  I have one focus and that is to get a better paying job and pay off around $10K of my debt.  And then repeat that for the next three years.  The problem is I always get side tracked.  I can never stay on course.  Life happens and I get caught up in it and forget the goals or aims I had.  Like when I first moved back to Memphis, I was only supposed to be here for like a year or two tops to regroup and zoom right back out to one of the coasts. But I got caught up in friendships and jobs and hobbies and family and I just forgot all about saving money and leaving Memphis.  I have never been good at staying the course which is where the hermit part comes in.  I need to have one singular focus.  I can’t care about anything else.  I am realizing I can only focus on one thing at a time and right now it has to be my own financial well being.

There is a lot I am not saying here.  And it has to do with my being in and out of sobriety and even when I am in sobriety my own isms will run riot me into a grave. I have been sober for a year and six months as I type this and it was a year and some months into my sobriety this time around that I started realizing my isms are killing me way faster than any substance ever could. I came to this realization through music.  I had a dream and Eminem was in it.  The blonde, cocky, asshole Eminem from Eight Mile, not the cute one Mike Tyson punched.  I don’t typically dream and usually deem any dreams a message, but this one I chalked up to WTF.  A week went by and I recalled the dream again and decided to look him up to see what he’d been doing since Eight Mile and it was a hell of a lot. Every song I decided to check out had something to do with his own reflections on addiction and those songs got me to see my own story in a very different light. He even posts his chip every year like I used to.  And so I decided to check out some Zoom meetings.  I actually love hearing from people all over the world and the country.   While I don’t need the program to stay sober, I do need the program to fight my isms.  They apparently require constant attention.  Looking back, I have always been a better me when I was in the program and so I will give the program another go this time for the isms, because the obsession that plagued me for my first ten years of sobriety has finally been lifted.

But I guess all this goes back to my inability to see the situation for what it is.  I have thoroughly run my life into the ground yet again.  But it’s okay.  I am actually okay.  I am glad I learned the lessons I finally learned.  I am glad I finally proved to myself that I cannot drink and need the program for my isms and I am glad I understand my insane impulsiveness and consumption tendencies. All of this is good.  I am glad I understand I have an issue seeing the situation for what it is.  I am glad I understand I don’t know how to do life on life’s terms. All of this is setting me up for what is coming next. Now, I can actually start getting somewhere. I don’t need to walk into 2025 defeated. ‘How easy can I let it be to pay off the debt I have created’  How Easy Can I Let It Be….This is the energy I restarted this blog with (and subsequently forgot about) And this is the energy I need to carry into 2025. Besides, God has been talking to me again.  That still small voice is there again and I have listened.  The other day I wanted to make a Zoom meeting I pretty much always enjoy, but something told me to not rush it.  And so I did not make the meeting.  I ended up in another Zoom meeting later in the day, where I listened to a guy tell quite a story, and I knew without a doubt I was supposed to hear him.  I immediately knew that while it is important to know where all I have gone wrong, it doesn’t end there.  He is the God of a million chances and maybe even a million more. Thanks for letting me share.


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