Peace

I talked last month about being at peace in the midst of the storms and the unknowns life was throwing at me.  And I still have a lot of that peace, but I am finding that as changes come closer the more I lose my peace because my mind starts to swirl creating narratives that aren’t even real.  Maybe they once were, but they are not right now!  So why worry and stress myself out?

These days I find myself bouncing back and forth between peace and too stressed out to think, pray, or care about anything.  I find myself worrying about what’s going to happen when either I or my best friend gets a new job and departs.  I don’t want to be alone again without any friends to enjoy my weekends with.  The truth is myself and my bestie are looking for new jobs and both of us will depart on a new adventure sometime this year.  Yes, it would be fantastic if we both landed jobs in the same area, but I am not sure that we will.  She has her sights set on a very specific and expensive area and she has the means and some other characters to assist on her journey, whereas, I do not.  The entire time I have lived in Memphis I have done nothing but say goodbye to friends who move here and then depart a few years later (often the first chance they get). No one wants to stay.  I mean Memphis is even more transient than Los Angeles was!  In reality, I don’t want to stay either, but my story is more complicated.

This is something else that worries me.  Part of me thinks I should stay here and help my mom and the other part of me says if the right opportunity comes, I need to take it and make it work, wherever it is, because getting solid on my feet is the best thing I can do for myself and my family even if it means leaving an elderly parent.  The job market here is not good either.  There simply isn’t much here.

I also struggle with seasonal affective disorder.  This is a new thing.  I have never had it before in my life.  The last few years have been torture when it comes to winter with the worst being the year before last - I got so depressed I was suicidal and thank God we had an early spring that year and I mean I did a 180 as soon the days started getting longer and warmer.  Whew!  That was horrific. Last year and this year have not been as bad, more mild symptoms, I guess I can say, but still I have symptoms and I’d rather not.

I just don’t know.  It seems like the closer the changes come, the more anxious I become and the peace I have been enjoying is flying out the window.  Any performer, dancer, athlete, speaker… they all know that sometimes you just have to shut your mind off and go, get moving, do the thing and then your mind catches up and calms down.  But in this situation there is no get up and go so I have to work hard to just shut down the thoughts that cause me stress, turn the channel in my brain so to speak. I guess I have to let go a little more…