Reflection

I have been reflecting a lot lately.  I feel like the fall and winter are perfect times to reflect on what has worked, what hasn’t and what direction the winds seem to be blowing.  I can say that I spent the majority of this year trying to be somewhere else.  It didn’t happen and now I am thinking it might be for the best.

I feel like I am coming to a spiritual surrender of sorts.  I am in one of those moments where the mess I have created could swallow me whole.  I tried may darnedest to make several things happen or change this year and none of them did.  And perhaps the aforementioned mess is why.  I really am in between a rock and a hard place and there are several bubbling disasters that could put me in ruins depending on when they finally boil over.

I was listening to K-Love one day and the radio personality, as they call them these days, was sharing about a prayer she had prayed and how a few years later her life was completely different in the best way.  It wasn’t what she wanted or planned, it was entirely different and entirely better.  I thought to myself at the time, this is what I need!  And so I prayed the prayer too hoping for something to come and make this life of mine worth something or at least more fun.  I cannot remember the prayer for the life of me and maybe I’m not supposed to.  Maybe if I did I would start editing it or obsessing over it.  I know it was something along the lines of do with me what you will or make my life what you want it…you know similar to the Jesus take the wheel scenario, but it was somehow very different at the same time.  Anywho, it has been a few months now and while nothing in my life has changed, I, myself, am starting to change.  Some of the things I have been chasing, I don’t want to chase anymore.  I’m evolving. It could be my desires are being aligned with God’s plans or it could be that desires I never realized I had are being revealed.  I do tend to get blinded by the light so to speak.  Maybe I’m starting to see clearly.  All I know is the only thing changing is me.

I’m getting more focused too.  I have been using my intentions again and I started off with three ever important intentions: financial freedom, meet husband, have more fun.  I was later guided to focus on one and I picked the financial freedom.  I’m in the process of paying things off and shedding belongings and simplifying everything really.  I have been doing this for the past year and will be doing it for the next year or two or three depending on what happens work wise.  This is my main focus and the biggest stressor I have so if I can get it knocked off I will be better able to have more fun and meet someone.  It would take a very understanding person and probably someone with a recovery background of their own to even entertain my life right now.

And so this is where I am.  In a surrender of sorts, where I can’t help but surrender because I am changing, my desires are changing, what I thought I wanted is changing and I’m not sure what the next right move is anymore and so I surrender and focus on the financial freedom and leave the rest to God.  I was told by a psychic that 2024 was a Golden Bridge year for me meaning it is the year I become who I need to be for all that God has in store for me​.  And I think she might have been right after all, just not in the way she saw it.