Stuck

It’s where I am right now in every area of my life.  What does one do when one is stuck and no help arrives?  This is where I feel I am right now.  I am stuck in a low paying job I cannot get out of no matter how hard I try.  I am stuck with a car that repeatedly gets broken into causing me to spend money and time to fix it over and over again.  This car also has an engine oil consumption issue causing me more money all the time.  I am stuck financially mostly thanks to my own doing and have a mountain of debt I am paying off.  I am literally paying in debt what I would be paying for a large apartment in a great and safe neighborhood and thanks to that hole I cannot do anything about the car and am limited in what I can do about the job.  Hence, I am stuck.  And don’t even get me started on some health issues that were once rare and weird occurrences that are now par for the course in my life that make me feel even more stuck.

So again, what does one do when one is stuck and no help arrives?  Well for one, I am going back to basics because I cannot handle much right now.  I am also just taking things as they come like one would do on a trail or a golf course.  I am also allowing myself time to breathe and I am practicing the art of self-forgiveness.  I have a lot to forgive myself for.  But like I said in the last post, I just don’t seem to realize the situation I am in until it is way too late.  I just kept assuming everything would work out and then it didn’t.  I feel like I am learning a necessary lesson way too late in life.  I am thoroughly not prepared for this whole things not working out experience.

I know something will break at some point.  The car will finally get stolen, or jacked up beyond repair. Some entity out there somewhere will give me an opportunity to join their workforce at a better salary.  Hell, I might even meet someone one day that can alleviate some of the pressure I feel - in the form of him having his shit together, not in the form of him clearing my debt - I would never allow that any way.  Actually that’s a red flag.  I don’t need a savior, I need a partner.  I already have a savior anyhow.

Since I am overwhelmed and feeling way too much stress and pressure, I am taking everything back to the basics.  Giving myself one personal project a month and just focusing on paying that debt, keeping my fingers from clicking “buy now” and cleaning stuff out.  That’s it.  Nothing more and nothing less. My fun time will have to be going on hikes or playing some sporadic golf.  I might even go back to church or synagogue.  I feel like I was right about a hermit season this year, but it is a purposeful hermit season, a grounding season.  A time to withdraw to reflect, to learn and to grow in a new direction when opportunity arises.

“When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in.  That’s what this storm is all about - Haruki Murakami“