Things

I used to not have so many things.  I kept only what I could fit in my car and I liked it that way.  Now, though, I have way too many things.  I think I just got bored with life.  And somehow the things were supposed to make up for what wasn’t there, what might not ever be there.

I’m ready for a change.  A big change.   A monumental change.  I read on a LinkedIn post about pivoters. People who just keep pivoting in their professional lives.  The post was in support of such behavior and told its readers it is okay to just keep pivoting if that is how you are wired.  It was the first time I understood what I had been doing with my life.  The challenge of course is to keep moving upwards instead of just making a lot of lateral moves.  It takes some strategic thought and a lot of luck, but it can be done and it is what I am looking to do with my next career move.  I have looked at a lot of avenues and have started applying to jobs that I feel I could make an easy pivot to and get a pay raise.  Although any job would probably be a pay raise from where I am right now.

I was told by a tarot reader and medium that I have a poverty mindset.  My friend had gone to see this person and she was spot on about her situation over the first half of this year and so I tagged along.  She wanted to know where this poverty mindset came from.  I told her I wasn’t sure.  The only thing I could think of was I grew up as the poor kid on the rich block.  I lived in the sought after neighborhood, went to the sought after school, and probably never should have been there.  Everyone was always wearing designer clothes and a new outfit everyday and I was in clothes that well weren’t name brand.  She suggested that this feeling of being less than was created in me during my adolescence and that I needed to shift to an abundance mindset as quickly as possible.  She recommended a book and I bought it.  I plan on reading after I finish my current book.  She also literally repeated some things I was told by the psychic from the beginning of this year which floored me.  I guess that is what spirit or in her words the ancestors wanted me know.  She also said I didn’t need to be afraid to pivot or follow my heart.  She said everything in my life that I want really boils down to me following my heart.  The pivoting will lead to something and someone that is good!

I can’t help but wonder if my growing up in such an affluent neighborhood has something to do with all the stuff I have somehow collected.  I do know the poverty mindset is a part of it.  I have trouble letting go of items.  I am so afraid I might need it later that I don’t want to let it go.  I am so afraid I won’t be able to afford it again so I don’t want to let it go.  But you know what?  I threw out all of my sweatshirts when I moved to Florida and then I moved to Tennessee where I needed them and I just got new ones.  It wasn’t a big deal.  I am trying to remind myself of this as I go through all of the things I have collected.  I am literally getting rid of an entire boutique.  Some will go to nonprofits, some will be recycled, and some I might sell.  I wish the universe would just throw a move in my face because I am really good at just letting go of everything when I absolutely have to and am too tired to care.

I also think my never finding a partner or having my own little brood has something to do with it too.  I think, at one point, I became addicted to the things to prevent me from dealing with the feelings of realizing some doors are just closed.  I have never been one of those women who just had to have kids, but the option going away is still hard to digest.  I technically still could, but wouldn’t want to at this age and to be honest, I’m not sure I would want to leave my offspring to this world. In all reality, and at this stage of the game, I just want someone to do life with, someone to play and travel with…I don’t need all the extra. Still, I do think part of my radical spending these past few years was in part a distraction from many feelings and realizations I was dealing with internally.

I don’t think I have ever been more sober in my life.  I am very wide awake right now.  I am very aware of my mental, emotional, and financial situation.  I am very aware.  I like that phrase But God because it means my situation doesn’t really matter.  I like that song the Goodness of God where it says His goodness is running after me.  Because it means His goodness might and probably will catch up to me.  And I need it to.  I need a change.  My soul needs a change.  It is time to evolve.  I’ve always been an experiences over appearances girl, but now I am also an experiences over things girl.  I am looking to simplify.  I am looking to grow.  I am looking to transform.  I need to pivot.