The line … “I must change or die…” comes from a song titled Dawn Will Rise, by Thirty Seconds to Mars. It goes along with the idea that change is always constant and whether we change with the times or not is up to us. It also speaks to the fact that there are consequences if we do not in fact, change or evolve as needed throughout our lives.
Funny thing is, I felt nudged to sit down and flush my thoughts out in a blog post. To my surprise, I already had a post titled “Change or Die”. The computer says I wrote it in September. I wasn’t being nudged to write, I was being nudged to read what I had already written. Apparently September me and December me need to have a talk. Conclusion for both is below:
For me, it is a bit different this idea of changing or dying. My life just isn’t working for me right now. I had decided to go after a simpler, easier life. A life where I have ample time off. Summer Fridays, Winter Recess and holiday breaks though out the year plus vacation and sick pay. A life where I worked on a nice campus where I could take strolls through the gardens on my lunch breaks. A life where any and every kind of inclement weather meant extra days off and no scary commutes. I have that life right now and it is killing me. It is killing me because the pay is not where it needs to be and the rest of my life is in dire lack. What good is having all of this free time if you have no one to share it with and no money to go explore the world with? My mental health is worse than ever, my spiritual health is worse than ever and my financial health is worse than ever. I have a long commute, nasty attitudes, complete boredom all day long and I’m not even getting a good salary.
I’ve learned that boredom is not a strong suite of mine. The more bored I am the more down the rabbit hole of anxiety, stress and depression I go. The same appears to be true when I am not challenged. Funny thing is, I thought this was what I wanted. I thought I wanted the so called easy life. Easy job with out much required of me, ample time off to play and just you know chill. But I am not happy. I am miserable. This got me thinking back to when I was in more challenging positions within higher pressure industries. While I still had a lot of stress to contend with, I didn’t have the other stuff because I was too busy for the other stuff to come into play. Time off was treasured and I honestly liked being a part of the things I was helping to create.
I also have come to realize that I like jobs that keep me or require me to be fully present. If I can’t zone off in my head, how can I get depressed?
And so this is my own personal change or die. If I stay where, I am I will continue this slow downward spiral, but if I change, I risk losing my time off and easy breezy work days. I just have to remember that chasing those did not help me. I need to change and chase the things that might bring me back to life.