She let go.
She watched herself fall.
Onto the rocks below, her dreams in tow.

She thought this was the end.
She thought she would be sad.
She thought she would mourn all she did and did not have.

But she got up.
And brushed herself off
She walked away leaving that life in the dust.

Dreams, Desires and Longings all gone.
She marched forward in freedom,
Her soul humming the melody of a brand new song.

I don’t usually know what the new year has in store for me, but this year is a little different.  I know change looms in the distance.  I cannot continue in my current circumstances.  It is impossible.  I also know I might be looking at several changes this year, the timing of which are unknown to me.  It’s not the change that has me anxious, it is the unknown aspect of it all.  Will I like it?  Will it be another ‘try to make the best of a crappy situation’ scenario?  Will it bring me to a new city and if so, will I like it and the city or just one of the two?  All I know is that if the change doesn’t come, I really will lose everything so the change MUST come!!!

My resolutions look different this year too!  My list is more abstract than concrete.  During the year of quarantine I have been doing a lot of reading.  I’ve been really working on fixing some parts of myself that need fixing.  I’ve also been learning more about my God from a different perspective.  If you’ve read anything I’ve written, you know I am technically Christian and 100% spiritual and I’ve been diving into a sister religion this past year.  It’s not the first time either.  But this is a much more in-depth exploration that I’ve ever done in the past.  And that’s what I am calling it, an exploration.  I know a lot about God, the Son, and probably too much about the humans around Him.  Who I don’t know is God, the Father, and that’s who I am getting to know and I am loving what I am learning.

As for my resolutions, it would be easy to say that it all really depends on how this year plays out, on what God graces me with in terms of employment and what not, but that’s not really true.  As I sit here looking over my list, I can see how I can still work on each one regardless of whether I get saved from complete devastation or if I get swept into the trash to be chomped or burned.  Maybe that’s not the right analogy, but it is how I am feeling this New Year’s Eve.

First and foremost, I want to really start combating my initial response to everything which is self-sabotage.  I’m definitely one to run when I shouldn’t and I absolutely love talking myself out of everything and I am really creative when it comes to finding ways to make myself an outsider.  I could seriously write a best-seller on how to make everything fall to pieces every single time.  I should have played baseball because I can bat any opportunity that comes my way out of the park. And I’m good at batting people out too.  These are just some of the things I need to stop doing.  Maybe I will call this an exploration too!  Instead of using my handy vocabulary of “No”, “I don’t want to”, and “I don’t like it”, I will start using words like “yes”, “okay” or “it’s not my thing, but I’ll give it a try”.

Second, I really want to get back to more of who I was before I quit drinking eight years ago.  I want to CDE as I  call it - Create, Design, Explore.  I need more of that in my life and it doesn’t have to necessarily be in the way that I perceive it either. I just need that energy back in my life.  I had all of these ideas that I never moved on and they are all still good ideas so maybe this year I can at least move toward that energy since a lot of it is dependent on my financial status.

And last, but not least, my finances are my final resolution for 2021.  I really need to dig myself out of a rather large hole that is getting bigger and bigger as each day passes.  Yes, a fair amount of this resolution is dependent on my next job, however, there are some things I can do on my end to at least keep the hole from getting any bigger and I am prepared to do those things.  I’ve actually been mentally preparing for a month.

So here’s to a happy, healthy and rewarding year ahead. May what we write on paper become our new reality.  Much love and light and laughter to you and yours!

Oh my, it’s been a minute!  2020 has been both good and bad to me.  How about you?  On the good side, my entire family has been able to remain COVID free.  On the bad side, I have been unemployed for over a year at this point.  I am working for a big box retailer doing online order fulfillment making like 20% of what I did make.  Ouch!  I don’t really have enough to spread around, but I am trying.  Another plus that is also a minus is my holiday 6 days a week and can you always stay much later than scheduled schedule.  I like what I am doing in that the hours fly by because I am so busy, but my body is taking a beating.  Being on my feet and walking and stooping and lifting and all for 8+ hours a day is absolutely brutal.  I had just started a workout and eating program to try and loose the weight I have gained too!  I can only try to eat right at this point because my body can’t do much beyond stretching and resting.  And so this extra weight isn’t going anywhere just like my debt.  I’m trying not to let my circumstances get to me, but it is difficult.  I am beyond scared for myself and my future and my ability to take care of future me, which is non-existent right now.  I have always joked about not having a funeral and just plunging off a cliff into the sea to become fish food… Perhaps I should not have joked about this… it might be my future.  In the same way I should have never joked about my tanning bed being my bright, sunny coffin - that’s how melanoma came into my life.

Anywho, I don’t want to be too down because there are some good things coming out of what I am going through.  And I am learning how to make the most of what is right now.  Like something simple I could have done months ago was flip my schedule.  I have always been a yoga in the morning and a workout at night kinda girl.  But I have flipped my schedule and am trying to do pilates or simple weight training in the morning and stretching out my body at night with recovery yoga.  IDK.  Sometimes intellectuals have the biggest problems with the most simplest things.
I have also finally relented and am taking something to help with my EXTREME temper.  One day I came home from this job I have ready to kill everyone.  I was crying every morning and crying at work and crying when I drove home.  The stress was palpable.  I’ve been told many times in my life that I care too much in the wrong way.  I’ve never really been able to understand, but one night driving home it clicked.  I know that many people in recovery take prescription or herbal medications to help take the edge off or help with that part of them that cannot deal with reality.  Anyone who has read my blog all the way back knows that I have major PTSD type symptoms from a prescription drug that gave me a psychotic break and so I don’t like prescription drugs or medicine in general.  I just kept thinking that at some point I would get enough healing or growth and be “okay” like other people.  Eight years into sobriety I was pushed past my edge and relented.  I obviously don’t have insurance right now (another issue because I have something I need to see a doctor for and I can’t so prayers - PLEASE) and so I went to Sprouts and looked in the emotional well being isle and just prayed that I would pick the right one.  I ended up with a Stress Response bottle from Gaia Herbs and it has changed my life.  I have no idea how it works or what it is doing other than the fact that I am me - only better.  Stuff doesn’t bother me anymore.  Heck, I can even go to the grocery store and run ten errands after work if I need to and I am not bothered by it at all.   (I have previously mentioned my sincere hatred for grocery stores and pharmacies). I am me, but calm.  Apparently I have an over-reactive stress response to basically anything that is required of me. IDK.  Perhaps that’s why I’m an addict.  I don’t know.  But I am hopeful that this herbal supplement will continue to work for me because it is doing what I cannot do for myself.  It also lets me know that it wasn’t me and no amount of will power would have ever changed me - it’s a chemical and/or biological response that I cannot control on my own.  If it weren’t for this whole crazy 2020 situation I am in - I don’t know that I would have figured this out.  And that is priceless!

I am also working on being really grateful right now in all things.  One night at work, I helped a disabled man out of the store.  I found out he also works in retail for a different big box retailer.  He actually does some of the same things I do just a at a much slower pace.  He is so grateful to this retailer (Kohls) for giving him this job and allowing him to do it in his best way.  It made me think that I should be grateful for my job too.  After all, as much trouble as I am having physically and financially he is doing a similar job with a physical handicap that probably makes it even harder on him and he is grateful and I am not.  God really slapped me in the face with that one.  God gets you like that sometimes.
 
A rabbi recently spoke on Jacob and how he always tried to put conditions on his good deeds.  Like if he was trying to barter with God to get what he wanted by saying if You do blank ,then I will do blank for the rest of my life or the rest of this year, etc.  The rabbi mentioned how disgraceful this was and how Jacob should not really be a hero at all other than the fact that we slowly see him change and grow through all of his mistakes and wrong choices.  You can’t please God my bartering with him and you can’t please God doing good deeds because you are trying to get a certain outcome.  The only way to please God is to do what is right because it is the right thing to do.  End of story.  No questions.

And so I am trying to be grateful in all things and I am trying to do what is right in my encounters with my fellow humans for the sake of doing what is right and nothing more.  Especially, now that I am not a raging lunatic ;-)  Besides, doing good deeds to try and get a certain outcome only makes you bitter and resentful.  It’s a trap I have found myself in too many times.  And so I guess that is another vicious cycle I am being freed from in crazy 2020.  My hope is that I can keep these lessons with me as I continue to adjust to my circumstances whatever they may be in the future.
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How about you?  How as 2020 kicked you butt?  How has it blessed you beyond measure?
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Everyone is up in arms about the latest African American to become a victim of police brutality - George Floyd.  Violent protests are commencing in many of America’s major cities.  Unfortunately, the toll of these protests might not be felt at the white house or by the police who were involved; instead, the toll will be taken on innocent members of the community who are losing their livelihoods, neighborhood stores where they buy necessities and some are even losing their life.  The toll will also be felt among innocent officers who do not use the tactics depicted in Minneapolis.  The toll will be felt across America as tensions among races escalate and while tensions between police and civilians continue to create an us versus them mentality.  There is no winner in this environment.​

It seems like this is about race, but it really isn’t.  Racism is a symptom of a much greater and deeper rooted evil in our society.  The hard truth is we don’t respect ourselves, we don’t respect each other, we don’t respect the animals and we don’t respect the planet.  You cannot respect life and create violence at the same time.  A society that respects all forms of life has no violence.

The problem is that we think there is a difference between a human and an animal, between a white man and a black man, between a man and a woman.  And yes, on the surface, there are some key differences that we allow to become our focus.  What we should be focusing on, where respect for all life lies is in our sameness.  We all have a spirit inside of us and that spirit does not age.  Ask anyone who is in their elder years and they will tell you that while their body feels old, their spirit still feels like a little kid.  It’s a weird phenomenon, but it points to an eternal truth.  We each came to this planet, but before we could “arrive” we had to be given an earthly body.  I liken the differences of our bodies to the differences one might find driving down a street looking at homes.  There are blue ones and green ones and red ones and white ones and yellow ones and even purple ones.  Some of the houses are short and slender while others are compact and tall.  Some are dirty and others are pristine. Some have protrusions while others have a smooth surface.  While all of the houses on this street are different on the outside, they are all the same on the inside in that they provide shelter for people and some animals.  The outside doesn’t really have anything to do with the inside.

We are the same.  We all have an earthly body or as I like to call it a “carcass” because that is what it is - it’s a temporary home for the spirit that inhabits this body while on planet earth.  It is nothing more.  And just like the homes, there are brown bodies, black bodies, beige bodies, red bodies and white bodies.  And each body has a spirit living inside of it while it is on this planet.  It is the same with the animals too.  All bodies are temporary homes for life on earth.  The outside doesn’t mean anything - we just want it to and thus we begin to create divides that aren’t really there at all.

The only answer to prejudice in any form is to acknowledge that we really are all the same and thereby start respecting each other.  No, you aren’t going to love everyone and there are going to be people who get on your nerves or who you just don’t like for one reason or another, but you can still respect the being inside them.  The one you might know and spend time with long after this earthly body turns to dust.  You don’t have to like someone to respect them.

This lack of respect keeps cycling through our planet, generation after generation.  Slavery in all of its forms, genocide, the Holocaust, civil wars, gang violence, political upheaval, racism, religious wars, deadly road rage, mass shootings, etc… all of these horrific events boil down to a lack of respect for others you deem different from yourself.  The awful truth is - it is a lie.  There is no difference.  We are all the same.  To rip it out at the root we must bring respect back into society.  If we don’t… we will bully, torture and murder until the earth blows up.  What kind of world do you want?  It really is up to you.