I have been using an app for daily mindfulness meditations from mindfulness.com.  The meditations come with a short thought video preceding the meditations and on one of these videos I encountered the phrase “you’re welcome here”.  Instead of fighting disruptive thoughts we should instead, acknowledge and welcome them by politely saying, “you’re welcome here”, whenever they arise.

I took this practice out of meditation and into my daily life.  There are times I become so overwhelmed by my emotions and thoughts that I feel incredibly hopeless and just cry for hours.  This has been happening a lot lately.  I know that I am in a season of turmoil like so many others right now, but I find myself surrounded by those that are well, not.  

It’s been a hard road these past five years.  Lay off, after lay off, after lay off only to be met by a pandemic and I haven’t even mentioned my medical issues.  I turned the big 4-0 in the pandemic while living at home, without a job and piled high with credit card bills that were half medical bills and half my trying to have some fun.  I did eventually find work, but it was manual, cheap, labor and barely allowed me to eat while taking care of my hefty minimum payments.  Things have turned the corner in that I have a new career position, however, the pay leaves a lot to be desired.  Combine that with a long commute and being bored out of my mind and you understand why I feel that my step forward might actually be a step backward if I cannot catapult from this situation into a much better one within a year.

Driving home the other day I passed by a nice large house where four or five kids are usually playing in the yard.  Instead of kids, there was a giant sign wishing a very happy 40th to the lady of the house and I just wept.  All it really takes is one person I don’t even know to send me into a tail spin.  The feelings of feeling left behind, abandoned, forgotten and not to mention pathetic washed over me.  I don’t know, I just always assumed everything would work out and I would have everything I wanted and needed…. For me, however, life has ended up very differently.  On top of that, I don’t know if I can play catch up at this point.  That is what terrifies me the most right now and poor God has to listen to it almost every night.

This morning was no different.  I was sitting at my kitchen table having my favorite breakfast of egg and olive toast and a piping hot cup of matcha tea when I just lost it over my current situation and that stupid happy birthday sign in my neighbor’s front yard.  But this morning, I remembered the whole idea of not fighting our disruptive thoughts and instead welcoming those thoughts and so I did.  I said to myself, “oh, yeah, You’re welcome here you thoughts and feelings of being forgotten.  You’re welcome here you thoughts and feelings of feeling lost and overwhelmed.  You’re welcome here you thoughts and feelings of being pathetic.  You’re welcome here you thoughts and feelings of never catching up.  You’re welcome here. You’re welcome here.  You Are Welcome Here.”  Something interesting happened the moment I stopped fighting those disruptive thoughts and feelings and instead accepted them.… They Vanished!  Whatever was coming over me vanished.  I even tried thinking about them again, but the power they had over me had vanished.  I’ve heard time and time again that acceptance is the only path forward and in this instance the saying definitely rings true. 

I’ve experienced this phenomenon  a few times prior to this morning’s tail spin and I am going to do my best to stop these thoughts and feelings earlier in the process by just accepting them by saying to myself and to them: You are welcome here.

I wanted to pen this in case it helps someone else like it has helped me.  I’d love to hear if it does.  
Shalom

Something interesting has happened as a result of quarantine.  I’ve gained weight, fifteen pounds to be exact.  No, that’s not the interesting part.  What is interesting is that I like myself.  Anyone who has read any of my blog posts knows that I have struggled with body image and self worth for eons.  I have always wanted to be as slender as possible and I have really pushed myself to make this happen - limiting food intake and type along with crazy exercise.  I have also shared that I had trouble seeing myself as I really was and often did not realize all my bones were showing.  Friends had to tell me these things and I would try and eat a little more to make the bones go away.  I am in a totally different place today.

I have come to realize through this weight gain that perhaps there is a reason I have always struggled to be “thin”.  I have a misplaced rib cage and I really think the reason I absolutely love how I look sans clothes right now is because the weight hides the somewhat protruding cage on my left side.  It is really strange to hate the number on the scale, but love the reflection in the mirror.  I guess I need not worry about the scale…  Besides, I am still on the healthy side of those pesky charts…. Hanging on the edge, but those charts have been disagreed upon for as long as they have been in existence so why should I worry about them?  As long as I’m in the ball park I think I am alright.

I really have been working on accepting myself and getting closer to my higher power through a sister religion that places more emphasis on how great and awesome God is and less emphasis on how much we humans miss the mark.   I have been praying and meditating on these intentions and I hope that my liking what I see in the mirror is proof that my intentions are happening.  

I am also trying to open myself up to opportunities of all kinds including those in the significant other department.  Many know that I stopped dating years ago after several horrific things happened to me as a result of dating.  I made myself a dating profile this morning.  It was very painful, but I did it.  While I am still terrified, I am also hopeful that making a couple of profiles and letting them exist in the world will help me slowly open up to the idea that I can have a great someone in my life.  I also intend to get back into Meetups and Facebook Groups and other ways of meeting people in person.  I have never liked the online dating scene and would much rather bump into someone on the street, but as I said before I am trying to be open to possibilities.

I have also been reconsidering what it is I think I am looking for in a man and/or partner.  Looking through these dating profiles has taught me a few things in this department…. One being maybe there is a reason I have always been attracted to red flags.  Not that I need one, but a reformed/mellowed red flag who finally wants to have a real partner in his life to explore, play and enjoy this world with doesn’t sound all that bad at this stage of the game.  After all, I have entered the 40 decade and having someone unencumbered and free to play sounds better than someone who has a lot of strings inhibiting what they can do and where they can go.  Previously, I was desperate to find someone with kids and a house that I could just drop into… Now I am not so sure that is the best way to go…

I feel good about life right now, which is new for me.  I feel good about all of the possibilities and I just have to make sure I keep myself open to what and who might come my way.  I am (hopefully) on the brink of obtaining a new career position and with it might come a whole new life.  I mean even if I stay in Memphis things will change, but I have some pots boiling on the East and West coasts and I am really hoping one of them ruptures at the right price, ya know.  If not, I will stay in limbo and get another for-the-moment job, but then I am reminded isn’t all for-the-moment?


PS - I think I am going to change my blog back to its original form…. Me and my thoughts as I navigate life.

She let go.
She watched herself fall.
Onto the rocks below, her dreams in tow.

She thought this was the end.
She thought she would be sad.
She thought she would mourn all she did and did not have.

But she got up.
And brushed herself off
She walked away leaving that life in the dust.

Dreams, Desires and Longings all gone.
She marched forward in freedom,
Her soul humming the melody of a brand new song.

I don’t usually know what the new year has in store for me, but this year is a little different.  I know change looms in the distance.  I cannot continue in my current circumstances.  It is impossible.  I also know I might be looking at several changes this year, the timing of which are unknown to me.  It’s not the change that has me anxious, it is the unknown aspect of it all.  Will I like it?  Will it be another ‘try to make the best of a crappy situation’ scenario?  Will it bring me to a new city and if so, will I like it and the city or just one of the two?  All I know is that if the change doesn’t come, I really will lose everything so the change MUST come!!!

My resolutions look different this year too!  My list is more abstract than concrete.  During the year of quarantine I have been doing a lot of reading.  I’ve been really working on fixing some parts of myself that need fixing.  I’ve also been learning more about my God from a different perspective.  If you’ve read anything I’ve written, you know I am technically Christian and 100% spiritual and I’ve been diving into a sister religion this past year.  It’s not the first time either.  But this is a much more in-depth exploration that I’ve ever done in the past.  And that’s what I am calling it, an exploration.  I know a lot about God, the Son, and probably too much about the humans around Him.  Who I don’t know is God, the Father, and that’s who I am getting to know and I am loving what I am learning.

As for my resolutions, it would be easy to say that it all really depends on how this year plays out, on what God graces me with in terms of employment and what not, but that’s not really true.  As I sit here looking over my list, I can see how I can still work on each one regardless of whether I get saved from complete devastation or if I get swept into the trash to be chomped or burned.  Maybe that’s not the right analogy, but it is how I am feeling this New Year’s Eve.

First and foremost, I want to really start combating my initial response to everything which is self-sabotage.  I’m definitely one to run when I shouldn’t and I absolutely love talking myself out of everything and I am really creative when it comes to finding ways to make myself an outsider.  I could seriously write a best-seller on how to make everything fall to pieces every single time.  I should have played baseball because I can bat any opportunity that comes my way out of the park. And I’m good at batting people out too.  These are just some of the things I need to stop doing.  Maybe I will call this an exploration too!  Instead of using my handy vocabulary of “No”, “I don’t want to”, and “I don’t like it”, I will start using words like “yes”, “okay” or “it’s not my thing, but I’ll give it a try”.

Second, I really want to get back to more of who I was before I quit drinking eight years ago.  I want to CDE as I  call it - Create, Design, Explore.  I need more of that in my life and it doesn’t have to necessarily be in the way that I perceive it either. I just need that energy back in my life.  I had all of these ideas that I never moved on and they are all still good ideas so maybe this year I can at least move toward that energy since a lot of it is dependent on my financial status.

And last, but not least, my finances are my final resolution for 2021.  I really need to dig myself out of a rather large hole that is getting bigger and bigger as each day passes.  Yes, a fair amount of this resolution is dependent on my next job, however, there are some things I can do on my end to at least keep the hole from getting any bigger and I am prepared to do those things.  I’ve actually been mentally preparing for a month.

So here’s to a happy, healthy and rewarding year ahead. May what we write on paper become our new reality.  Much love and light and laughter to you and yours!

Oh my, it’s been a minute!  2020 has been both good and bad to me.  How about you?  On the good side, my entire family has been able to remain COVID free.  On the bad side, I have been unemployed for over a year at this point.  I am working for a big box retailer doing online order fulfillment making like 20% of what I did make.  Ouch!  I don’t really have enough to spread around, but I am trying.  Another plus that is also a minus is my holiday 6 days a week and can you always stay much later than scheduled schedule.  I like what I am doing in that the hours fly by because I am so busy, but my body is taking a beating.  Being on my feet and walking and stooping and lifting and all for 8+ hours a day is absolutely brutal.  I had just started a workout and eating program to try and loose the weight I have gained too!  I can only try to eat right at this point because my body can’t do much beyond stretching and resting.  And so this extra weight isn’t going anywhere just like my debt.  I’m trying not to let my circumstances get to me, but it is difficult.  I am beyond scared for myself and my future and my ability to take care of future me, which is non-existent right now.  I have always joked about not having a funeral and just plunging off a cliff into the sea to become fish food… Perhaps I should not have joked about this… it might be my future.  In the same way I should have never joked about my tanning bed being my bright, sunny coffin - that’s how melanoma came into my life.

Anywho, I don’t want to be too down because there are some good things coming out of what I am going through.  And I am learning how to make the most of what is right now.  Like something simple I could have done months ago was flip my schedule.  I have always been a yoga in the morning and a workout at night kinda girl.  But I have flipped my schedule and am trying to do pilates or simple weight training in the morning and stretching out my body at night with recovery yoga.  IDK.  Sometimes intellectuals have the biggest problems with the most simplest things.
I have also finally relented and am taking something to help with my EXTREME temper.  One day I came home from this job I have ready to kill everyone.  I was crying every morning and crying at work and crying when I drove home.  The stress was palpable.  I’ve been told many times in my life that I care too much in the wrong way.  I’ve never really been able to understand, but one night driving home it clicked.  I know that many people in recovery take prescription or herbal medications to help take the edge off or help with that part of them that cannot deal with reality.  Anyone who has read my blog all the way back knows that I have major PTSD type symptoms from a prescription drug that gave me a psychotic break and so I don’t like prescription drugs or medicine in general.  I just kept thinking that at some point I would get enough healing or growth and be “okay” like other people.  Eight years into sobriety I was pushed past my edge and relented.  I obviously don’t have insurance right now (another issue because I have something I need to see a doctor for and I can’t so prayers - PLEASE) and so I went to Sprouts and looked in the emotional well being isle and just prayed that I would pick the right one.  I ended up with a Stress Response bottle from Gaia Herbs and it has changed my life.  I have no idea how it works or what it is doing other than the fact that I am me - only better.  Stuff doesn’t bother me anymore.  Heck, I can even go to the grocery store and run ten errands after work if I need to and I am not bothered by it at all.   (I have previously mentioned my sincere hatred for grocery stores and pharmacies). I am me, but calm.  Apparently I have an over-reactive stress response to basically anything that is required of me. IDK.  Perhaps that’s why I’m an addict.  I don’t know.  But I am hopeful that this herbal supplement will continue to work for me because it is doing what I cannot do for myself.  It also lets me know that it wasn’t me and no amount of will power would have ever changed me - it’s a chemical and/or biological response that I cannot control on my own.  If it weren’t for this whole crazy 2020 situation I am in - I don’t know that I would have figured this out.  And that is priceless!

I am also working on being really grateful right now in all things.  One night at work, I helped a disabled man out of the store.  I found out he also works in retail for a different big box retailer.  He actually does some of the same things I do just a at a much slower pace.  He is so grateful to this retailer (Kohls) for giving him this job and allowing him to do it in his best way.  It made me think that I should be grateful for my job too.  After all, as much trouble as I am having physically and financially he is doing a similar job with a physical handicap that probably makes it even harder on him and he is grateful and I am not.  God really slapped me in the face with that one.  God gets you like that sometimes.
 
A rabbi recently spoke on Jacob and how he always tried to put conditions on his good deeds.  Like if he was trying to barter with God to get what he wanted by saying if You do blank ,then I will do blank for the rest of my life or the rest of this year, etc.  The rabbi mentioned how disgraceful this was and how Jacob should not really be a hero at all other than the fact that we slowly see him change and grow through all of his mistakes and wrong choices.  You can’t please God my bartering with him and you can’t please God doing good deeds because you are trying to get a certain outcome.  The only way to please God is to do what is right because it is the right thing to do.  End of story.  No questions.

And so I am trying to be grateful in all things and I am trying to do what is right in my encounters with my fellow humans for the sake of doing what is right and nothing more.  Especially, now that I am not a raging lunatic ;-)  Besides, doing good deeds to try and get a certain outcome only makes you bitter and resentful.  It’s a trap I have found myself in too many times.  And so I guess that is another vicious cycle I am being freed from in crazy 2020.  My hope is that I can keep these lessons with me as I continue to adjust to my circumstances whatever they may be in the future.
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How about you?  How as 2020 kicked you butt?  How has it blessed you beyond measure?
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Everyone is up in arms about the latest African American to become a victim of police brutality - George Floyd.  Violent protests are commencing in many of America’s major cities.  Unfortunately, the toll of these protests might not be felt at the white house or by the police who were involved; instead, the toll will be taken on innocent members of the community who are losing their livelihoods, neighborhood stores where they buy necessities and some are even losing their life.  The toll will also be felt among innocent officers who do not use the tactics depicted in Minneapolis.  The toll will be felt across America as tensions among races escalate and while tensions between police and civilians continue to create an us versus them mentality.  There is no winner in this environment.​

It seems like this is about race, but it really isn’t.  Racism is a symptom of a much greater and deeper rooted evil in our society.  The hard truth is we don’t respect ourselves, we don’t respect each other, we don’t respect the animals and we don’t respect the planet.  You cannot respect life and create violence at the same time.  A society that respects all forms of life has no violence.

The problem is that we think there is a difference between a human and an animal, between a white man and a black man, between a man and a woman.  And yes, on the surface, there are some key differences that we allow to become our focus.  What we should be focusing on, where respect for all life lies is in our sameness.  We all have a spirit inside of us and that spirit does not age.  Ask anyone who is in their elder years and they will tell you that while their body feels old, their spirit still feels like a little kid.  It’s a weird phenomenon, but it points to an eternal truth.  We each came to this planet, but before we could “arrive” we had to be given an earthly body.  I liken the differences of our bodies to the differences one might find driving down a street looking at homes.  There are blue ones and green ones and red ones and white ones and yellow ones and even purple ones.  Some of the houses are short and slender while others are compact and tall.  Some are dirty and others are pristine. Some have protrusions while others have a smooth surface.  While all of the houses on this street are different on the outside, they are all the same on the inside in that they provide shelter for people and some animals.  The outside doesn’t really have anything to do with the inside.

We are the same.  We all have an earthly body or as I like to call it a “carcass” because that is what it is - it’s a temporary home for the spirit that inhabits this body while on planet earth.  It is nothing more.  And just like the homes, there are brown bodies, black bodies, beige bodies, red bodies and white bodies.  And each body has a spirit living inside of it while it is on this planet.  It is the same with the animals too.  All bodies are temporary homes for life on earth.  The outside doesn’t mean anything - we just want it to and thus we begin to create divides that aren’t really there at all.

The only answer to prejudice in any form is to acknowledge that we really are all the same and thereby start respecting each other.  No, you aren’t going to love everyone and there are going to be people who get on your nerves or who you just don’t like for one reason or another, but you can still respect the being inside them.  The one you might know and spend time with long after this earthly body turns to dust.  You don’t have to like someone to respect them.

This lack of respect keeps cycling through our planet, generation after generation.  Slavery in all of its forms, genocide, the Holocaust, civil wars, gang violence, political upheaval, racism, religious wars, deadly road rage, mass shootings, etc… all of these horrific events boil down to a lack of respect for others you deem different from yourself.  The awful truth is - it is a lie.  There is no difference.  We are all the same.  To rip it out at the root we must bring respect back into society.  If we don’t… we will bully, torture and murder until the earth blows up.  What kind of world do you want?  It really is up to you.