Everything is temporary if you give it enough time - Jewel
This strangely gives me comfort. No, I’m not afraid of commitment - it’s just that I am a Taurus and I tend to assume that this is it forever every time I hitch my cart to anything. Probably because I want so badly to hitch my cart to something and someone I actually want and anything outside of that is putting what I want another couple of years away or so I think.
I have an opportunity to step into a management position with the retail store I have been working at part-time. On the one hand it is the exact opposite of what I want: weird hours, no weekends, no holiday time off and all that standing - ugh. It’s also in Memphis - that place I don’t want to be. I mean I refuse to ever buy any property here and I feel that as long as I am here I will have zero friends and no man! I know I supposed to be giving up on that man part per my previous post, but while I am not actively seeking I am also very open to the right person showing up in my life.. ya know? Any who, I want to go north. My winter skin came back and it is not leaving. Northwest or Northeast and on a coast! I miss the ocean. Even though I only went at sunset or at night - I still love and need that big beautiful body of water. I want rolling hills or mountain tops and tall trees to give me shade. I want ALL of the seasons and a cooler climate. Memphis is flat, dangerous and only has two seasons. I live out on the outskirts and have not had much luck in making friends here. The ones I do make leave soon after and are usually from out west or up north and that is where they return.
Okay so getting back to the opportunity… On the other hand, this position would take the financial pressure off of me and allow me to knock my debt back down and take care of any medical needs as needed. This position would also look good on my resume since it would be a management position that deals with HR, Finance, some Operations and the sales floor. It just means staying put. Staying in Memphis and slamming the door on well…. Everything I ever wanted - not that I would get it, but staying put sorta makes it a 100% NO in my feeble little mind.
I don’t know. I think the no marriage and no kids thing is really starting to weigh on my soul. It has been made clear to me by others that I constantly try to invent “traditions”. And I am reminded over and over again that just because I do something and I like it and its a holiday - doesn’t mean it becomes a tradition. I apparently try to rope friends and family members into my so called traditions and they really wish I would go find someone to do “my traditions” with and leave them out of it. I have to say it is kinda true. I have held a tradition of seeing the play A Christmas Carol every Christmas season and no matter where I am I always rope someone into seeing it with me and then I make them go to dinner after and listen to me talk about how great it was and what the story means to me that year. My family went to the beach over a couple of Thanksgivings and I tried to make that a tradition. I was like this is awesome and its our new Thanksgiving tradition and they all yelled in unison back - No! It’s Not! Leave us alone, Jessica!
I digressed again. This is what happens whenever I am faced with any sort of decision. I don’t know why I make everything into an end all be all type of situation when I am the Queen of Departure. I guess my age is throwing a wrench in everything right now. I suddenly feel as if I have to absolutely get it right or it’s all over for me.
In the book I am reading, The Power of Now, it talks about surrendering to what is and not allowing any resentments or irritations to crop up. If you can’t shake the irritant, then allow it to pass through you. Well the past few days I have been allowing a giant irritant to pass. I don’t know I can’t just snap my fingers and surrender. I have to treat it like “Lady Time” in that I understand that I am going to feel like death and be depressed for about three days and then I’ll be better. I find myself doing the same with irritants. I cannot just surrender to them. I have to allow them to pass through me understanding that I am going to feel sick and depressed for a while, but it will eventually pass. I am trying to do that with this job opportunity. I am willing myself to see it as a possible answer for me right now. I have been doing a visualization that I learned from an Abundance Challenge from Deepak Chopra. You imagine yourself sitting on a beach and you have a pen, a piece of paper and a bottle with you. You write down your main intentions on the piece of paper, roll it up and stick it in the bottle and cap it. You watch yourself stand up and hurl the bottle and your intentions into the vast ocean of possibility knowing that the Universe (and God) will do the delivering. I guess it is a manifesting technique. I have been doing this with my top three intentions: Right job for me right now; meet, befriend and marry my life partner; write and create from home and be very successful at it.
I am trying to understand that this opportunity might be the right job for me right now. It might be what I am supposed to do. It’s not like it is easy to get a job across the country right now or get a work from home job right now or get any job right now. Maybe this is my next right move. I was just really hoping to relocate and get back into higher education which has great hours, great time off (especially around the holidays) and is typically a great long term place for women. Of course, the higher education industry has been hit extra hard by COVID-19 and most universities are on hiring freezes for anything except absolutely necessary positions. So maybe this is the next right move for me right now. Maybe this leads somewhere I cannot see… maybe this is a stepping stone and not a rock to be kicked out of the way. It is out of left field that they are even thinking of me for the position. I will have quite a learning curve ahead of me. And I mean if I keep saying I need to get my hand off the steering wheel aren’t I supposed to let go and let God and the Universe steer? Right now I am in the let’s just allow it to pass through me stage which means a lot of crying about not moving, not getting my own place, not getting a dog and not getting anything else I desperately want. I am allowing myself to feel these things understanding that I don’t actually know anything. I have judgements, not facts, and so I let go of the wheel and say yes to what is.
Well, one thing I have learned through current books and a meditation series is that I have a problem with uncertainty. It is true that I don’t feel okay unless I have a plan for everything. The plan can be absurd and not make any sense - it’s just having the plan that matters. The universe is apparently done putting up with me and my plans - at least for the time being. I am living on breadcrumbs. Every time I get to that point where I might actually default on everything I get just enough to keep me going for another week or two or three. It’s like I really am having to surrender anything and everything I could ever want to God and the Universe. I am being forced to have no plan.
My part-time job came back in a big way giving me full-time hours out of the blue and I was so happy. Finally, I thought, I can start tackling my debt again and start making the interest payments on my car again and you know splurge at the grocery store! I thought the pressure was off and I could wait for more things to open up so I could land myself somewhere good… Then I learned through conversations that what had been presented by management was not the actual truth. That if anything, I was hired back on to do a bunch of grunt work until store management was sure about the business staying open, then all of the regular employees would come back and I along with the few others in my classification would loose our hours again. It’s just heart breaking. And that’s not all. I have a foot problem. A problem that might diminish my one joy in life - hiking. A problem that might require surgery. A problem that is keeping me in excruciating pain while I am taking these few breadcrumbs that have been dropped in my lap. I can’t even!…
Had I gotten my new part-time job a few weeks before I would have been eligible for that $600 COVID paycheck, but I’m not. The good news would have been that if businesses are able to start staying open I can look for more part-time jobs with guaranteed hours, but all of those jobs will require standing and walking for several hours a day…Something that will make surgery my only option with my new foot issue. I think I am being taught how to truly live one day at a time trusting that God and the Universe will provide what I need when I need it. Perhaps I am also being taught a serious lesson on trust…. Or God’s just removing my hands from the steering wheel the only way He can… That could totally be it too. You know they say when you are drowning you have to stop fighting to survive just long enough for the lifeguard to get his arms around you and start taking you back to shore. Maybe you have to do the same in life…. I am certainly there. I don’t even have the will to try anymore… I just want to give up, but I can’t even do that… all I can do is take the breadcrumbs given. Wake up every day and tell God and the Universe (I don’t use these interchangeably) what I need and wait and see what happens. Like right now I apparently need a job that does not require me to be on my feet all day and I need health insurance like yesterday. But what job is going to do that and then let me take time off ??? Especially, in this current economic climate? I don’t know, but it is what I need and so I leave it at the feet of God and the Universe.
All of this has me thinking about who I am on the trail and my never ending pursuit to become that person all of the time. That person never worries about anything when on a trail. She don’t even have a plan when she is out in nature. She just picks a trail and she does it. She doesn’t worry about what she might encounter either. She just lives moment to moment in pure joy as she explores all that nature has to offer. Maybe I need to let my trail life become my blue print for my everyday life. I do some planning, but not much. I look at the mileage, the terrain, the weather and then I take what I deem appropriate and I just go. I leave everything else and I trust I will be okay. Something else I always do before starting out on a trail is wonder aloud: I wonder what nature has to offer me today? Will I see any cool wildlife? Will I encounter any unexpected obstacles? Will I see something beautiful? Maybe I should start each day with the question What does life have to offer me today? Maybe it will help me open up to the possibilities and opportunities around me during this trying time. Maybe this is the reason for the trying time…