Something interesting has happened as a result of quarantine. I’ve gained weight, fifteen pounds to be exact. No, that’s not the interesting part. What is interesting is that I like myself. Anyone who has read any of my blog posts knows that I have struggled with body image and self worth for eons. I have always wanted to be as slender as possible and I have really pushed myself to make this happen - limiting food intake and type along with crazy exercise. I have also shared that I had trouble seeing myself as I really was and often did not realize all my bones were showing. Friends had to tell me these things and I would try and eat a little more to make the bones go away. I am in a totally different place today.
I have come to realize through this weight gain that perhaps there is a reason I have always struggled to be “thin”. I have a misplaced rib cage and I really think the reason I absolutely love how I look sans clothes right now is because the weight hides the somewhat protruding cage on my left side. It is really strange to hate the number on the scale, but love the reflection in the mirror. I guess I need not worry about the scale… Besides, I am still on the healthy side of those pesky charts…. Hanging on the edge, but those charts have been disagreed upon for as long as they have been in existence so why should I worry about them? As long as I’m in the ball park I think I am alright.
I really have been working on accepting myself and getting closer to my higher power through a sister religion that places more emphasis on how great and awesome God is and less emphasis on how much we humans miss the mark. I have been praying and meditating on these intentions and I hope that my liking what I see in the mirror is proof that my intentions are happening.
I am also trying to open myself up to opportunities of all kinds including those in the significant other department. Many know that I stopped dating years ago after several horrific things happened to me as a result of dating. I made myself a dating profile this morning. It was very painful, but I did it. While I am still terrified, I am also hopeful that making a couple of profiles and letting them exist in the world will help me slowly open up to the idea that I can have a great someone in my life. I also intend to get back into Meetups and Facebook Groups and other ways of meeting people in person. I have never liked the online dating scene and would much rather bump into someone on the street, but as I said before I am trying to be open to possibilities.
I have also been reconsidering what it is I think I am looking for in a man and/or partner. Looking through these dating profiles has taught me a few things in this department…. One being maybe there is a reason I have always been attracted to red flags. Not that I need one, but a reformed/mellowed red flag who finally wants to have a real partner in his life to explore, play and enjoy this world with doesn’t sound all that bad at this stage of the game. After all, I have entered the 40 decade and having someone unencumbered and free to play sounds better than someone who has a lot of strings inhibiting what they can do and where they can go. Previously, I was desperate to find someone with kids and a house that I could just drop into… Now I am not so sure that is the best way to go…
I feel good about life right now, which is new for me. I feel good about all of the possibilities and I just have to make sure I keep myself open to what and who might come my way. I am (hopefully) on the brink of obtaining a new career position and with it might come a whole new life. I mean even if I stay in Memphis things will change, but I have some pots boiling on the East and West coasts and I am really hoping one of them ruptures at the right price, ya know. If not, I will stay in limbo and get another for-the-moment job, but then I am reminded isn’t all for-the-moment?
PS - I think I am going to change my blog back to its original form…. Me and my thoughts as I navigate life.