I don’t usually know what the new year has in store for me, but this year is a little different. I know change looms in the distance. I cannot continue in my current circumstances. It is impossible. I also know I might be looking at several changes this year, the timing of which are unknown to me. It’s not the change that has me anxious, it is the unknown aspect of it all. Will I like it? Will it be another ‘try to make the best of a crappy situation’ scenario? Will it bring me to a new city and if so, will I like it and the city or just one of the two? All I know is that if the change doesn’t come, I really will lose everything so the change MUST come!!!
My resolutions look different this year too! My list is more abstract than concrete. During the year of quarantine I have been doing a lot of reading. I’ve been really working on fixing some parts of myself that need fixing. I’ve also been learning more about my God from a different perspective. If you’ve read anything I’ve written, you know I am technically Christian and 100% spiritual and I’ve been diving into a sister religion this past year. It’s not the first time either. But this is a much more in-depth exploration that I’ve ever done in the past. And that’s what I am calling it, an exploration. I know a lot about God, the Son, and probably too much about the humans around Him. Who I don’t know is God, the Father, and that’s who I am getting to know and I am loving what I am learning.
As for my resolutions, it would be easy to say that it all really depends on how this year plays out, on what God graces me with in terms of employment and what not, but that’s not really true. As I sit here looking over my list, I can see how I can still work on each one regardless of whether I get saved from complete devastation or if I get swept into the trash to be chomped or burned. Maybe that’s not the right analogy, but it is how I am feeling this New Year’s Eve.
First and foremost, I want to really start combating my initial response to everything which is self-sabotage. I’m definitely one to run when I shouldn’t and I absolutely love talking myself out of everything and I am really creative when it comes to finding ways to make myself an outsider. I could seriously write a best-seller on how to make everything fall to pieces every single time. I should have played baseball because I can bat any opportunity that comes my way out of the park. And I’m good at batting people out too. These are just some of the things I need to stop doing. Maybe I will call this an exploration too! Instead of using my handy vocabulary of “No”, “I don’t want to”, and “I don’t like it”, I will start using words like “yes”, “okay” or “it’s not my thing, but I’ll give it a try”.
Second, I really want to get back to more of who I was before I quit drinking eight years ago. I want to CDE as I call it - Create, Design, Explore. I need more of that in my life and it doesn’t have to necessarily be in the way that I perceive it either. I just need that energy back in my life. I had all of these ideas that I never moved on and they are all still good ideas so maybe this year I can at least move toward that energy since a lot of it is dependent on my financial status.
And last, but not least, my finances are my final resolution for 2021. I really need to dig myself out of a rather large hole that is getting bigger and bigger as each day passes. Yes, a fair amount of this resolution is dependent on my next job, however, there are some things I can do on my end to at least keep the hole from getting any bigger and I am prepared to do those things. I’ve actually been mentally preparing for a month.
So here’s to a happy, healthy and rewarding year ahead. May what we write on paper become our new reality. Much love and light and laughter to you and yours!