She let go.
She watched herself fall.
Onto the rocks below, her dreams in tow.
She thought this was the end.
She thought she would be sad.
She thought she would mourn all she did and did not have.
But she got up.
And brushed herself off
She walked away leaving that life in the dust.
Dreams, Desires and Longings all gone.
She marched forward in freedom,
Her soul humming the melody of a brand new song.
"The secret to life is to die before you die and find that there is no death." - Eckhart Tolle
I don’t usually know what the new year has in store for me, but this year is a little different. I know change looms in the distance. I cannot continue in my current circumstances. It is impossible. I also know I might be looking at several changes this year, the timing of which are unknown to me. It’s not the change that has me anxious, it is the unknown aspect of it all. Will I like it? Will it be another ‘try to make the best of a crappy situation’ scenario? Will it bring me to a new city and if so, will I like it and the city or just one of the two? All I know is that if the change doesn’t come, I really will lose everything so the change MUST come!!!
My resolutions look different this year too! My list is more abstract than concrete. During the year of quarantine I have been doing a lot of reading. I’ve been really working on fixing some parts of myself that need fixing. I’ve also been learning more about my God from a different perspective. If you’ve read anything I’ve written, you know I am technically Christian and 100% spiritual and I’ve been diving into a sister religion this past year. It’s not the first time either. But this is a much more in-depth exploration that I’ve ever done in the past. And that’s what I am calling it, an exploration. I know a lot about God, the Son, and probably too much about the humans around Him. Who I don’t know is God, the Father, and that’s who I am getting to know and I am loving what I am learning.
As for my resolutions, it would be easy to say that it all really depends on how this year plays out, on what God graces me with in terms of employment and what not, but that’s not really true. As I sit here looking over my list, I can see how I can still work on each one regardless of whether I get saved from complete devastation or if I get swept into the trash to be chomped or burned. Maybe that’s not the right analogy, but it is how I am feeling this New Year’s Eve.
First and foremost, I want to really start combating my initial response to everything which is self-sabotage. I’m definitely one to run when I shouldn’t and I absolutely love talking myself out of everything and I am really creative when it comes to finding ways to make myself an outsider. I could seriously write a best-seller on how to make everything fall to pieces every single time. I should have played baseball because I can bat any opportunity that comes my way out of the park. And I’m good at batting people out too. These are just some of the things I need to stop doing. Maybe I will call this an exploration too! Instead of using my handy vocabulary of “No”, “I don’t want to”, and “I don’t like it”, I will start using words like “yes”, “okay” or “it’s not my thing, but I’ll give it a try”.
Second, I really want to get back to more of who I was before I quit drinking eight years ago. I want to CDE as I call it - Create, Design, Explore. I need more of that in my life and it doesn’t have to necessarily be in the way that I perceive it either. I just need that energy back in my life. I had all of these ideas that I never moved on and they are all still good ideas so maybe this year I can at least move toward that energy since a lot of it is dependent on my financial status.
And last, but not least, my finances are my final resolution for 2021. I really need to dig myself out of a rather large hole that is getting bigger and bigger as each day passes. Yes, a fair amount of this resolution is dependent on my next job, however, there are some things I can do on my end to at least keep the hole from getting any bigger and I am prepared to do those things. I’ve actually been mentally preparing for a month.
So here’s to a happy, healthy and rewarding year ahead. May what we write on paper become our new reality. Much love and light and laughter to you and yours!
Oh my, it’s been a minute! 2020 has been both good and bad to me. How about you? On the good side, my entire family has been able to remain COVID free. On the bad side, I have been unemployed for over a year at this point. I am working for a big box retailer doing online order fulfillment making like 20% of what I did make. Ouch! I don’t really have enough to spread around, but I am trying. Another plus that is also a minus is my holiday 6 days a week and can you always stay much later than scheduled schedule. I like what I am doing in that the hours fly by because I am so busy, but my body is taking a beating. Being on my feet and walking and stooping and lifting and all for 8+ hours a day is absolutely brutal. I had just started a workout and eating program to try and loose the weight I have gained too! I can only try to eat right at this point because my body can’t do much beyond stretching and resting. And so this extra weight isn’t going anywhere just like my debt. I’m trying not to let my circumstances get to me, but it is difficult. I am beyond scared for myself and my future and my ability to take care of future me, which is non-existent right now. I have always joked about not having a funeral and just plunging off a cliff into the sea to become fish food… Perhaps I should not have joked about this… it might be my future. In the same way I should have never joked about my tanning bed being my bright, sunny coffin - that’s how melanoma came into my life.
Anywho, I don’t want to be too down because there are some good things coming out of what I am going through. And I am learning how to make the most of what is right now. Like something simple I could have done months ago was flip my schedule. I have always been a yoga in the morning and a workout at night kinda girl. But I have flipped my schedule and am trying to do pilates or simple weight training in the morning and stretching out my body at night with recovery yoga. IDK. Sometimes intellectuals have the biggest problems with the most simplest things.
I have also finally relented and am taking something to help with my EXTREME temper. One day I came home from this job I have ready to kill everyone. I was crying every morning and crying at work and crying when I drove home. The stress was palpable. I’ve been told many times in my life that I care too much in the wrong way. I’ve never really been able to understand, but one night driving home it clicked. I know that many people in recovery take prescription or herbal medications to help take the edge off or help with that part of them that cannot deal with reality. Anyone who has read my blog all the way back knows that I have major PTSD type symptoms from a prescription drug that gave me a psychotic break and so I don’t like prescription drugs or medicine in general. I just kept thinking that at some point I would get enough healing or growth and be “okay” like other people. Eight years into sobriety I was pushed past my edge and relented. I obviously don’t have insurance right now (another issue because I have something I need to see a doctor for and I can’t so prayers - PLEASE) and so I went to Sprouts and looked in the emotional well being isle and just prayed that I would pick the right one. I ended up with a Stress Response bottle from Gaia Herbs and it has changed my life. I have no idea how it works or what it is doing other than the fact that I am me - only better. Stuff doesn’t bother me anymore. Heck, I can even go to the grocery store and run ten errands after work if I need to and I am not bothered by it at all. (I have previously mentioned my sincere hatred for grocery stores and pharmacies). I am me, but calm. Apparently I have an over-reactive stress response to basically anything that is required of me. IDK. Perhaps that’s why I’m an addict. I don’t know. But I am hopeful that this herbal supplement will continue to work for me because it is doing what I cannot do for myself. It also lets me know that it wasn’t me and no amount of will power would have ever changed me - it’s a chemical and/or biological response that I cannot control on my own. If it weren’t for this whole crazy 2020 situation I am in - I don’t know that I would have figured this out. And that is priceless!
I am also working on being really grateful right now in all things. One night at work, I helped a disabled man out of the store. I found out he also works in retail for a different big box retailer. He actually does some of the same things I do just a at a much slower pace. He is so grateful to this retailer (Kohls) for giving him this job and allowing him to do it in his best way. It made me think that I should be grateful for my job too. After all, as much trouble as I am having physically and financially he is doing a similar job with a physical handicap that probably makes it even harder on him and he is grateful and I am not. God really slapped me in the face with that one. God gets you like that sometimes.
A rabbi recently spoke on Jacob and how he always tried to put conditions on his good deeds. Like if he was trying to barter with God to get what he wanted by saying if You do blank ,then I will do blank for the rest of my life or the rest of this year, etc. The rabbi mentioned how disgraceful this was and how Jacob should not really be a hero at all other than the fact that we slowly see him change and grow through all of his mistakes and wrong choices. You can’t please God my bartering with him and you can’t please God doing good deeds because you are trying to get a certain outcome. The only way to please God is to do what is right because it is the right thing to do. End of story. No questions.
And so I am trying to be grateful in all things and I am trying to do what is right in my encounters with my fellow humans for the sake of doing what is right and nothing more. Especially, now that I am not a raging lunatic ;-) Besides, doing good deeds to try and get a certain outcome only makes you bitter and resentful. It’s a trap I have found myself in too many times. And so I guess that is another vicious cycle I am being freed from in crazy 2020. My hope is that I can keep these lessons with me as I continue to adjust to my circumstances whatever they may be in the future.
How about you? How as 2020 kicked you butt? How has it blessed you beyond measure?
Everyone is up in arms about the latest African American to become a victim of police brutality - George Floyd. Violent protests are commencing in many of America’s major cities. Unfortunately, the toll of these protests might not be felt at the white house or by the police who were involved; instead, the toll will be taken on innocent members of the community who are losing their livelihoods, neighborhood stores where they buy necessities and some are even losing their life. The toll will also be felt among innocent officers who do not use the tactics depicted in Minneapolis. The toll will be felt across America as tensions among races escalate and while tensions between police and civilians continue to create an us versus them mentality. There is no winner in this environment.
It seems like this is about race, but it really isn’t. Racism is a symptom of a much greater and deeper rooted evil in our society. The hard truth is we don’t respect ourselves, we don’t respect each other, we don’t respect the animals and we don’t respect the planet. You cannot respect life and create violence at the same time. A society that respects all forms of life has no violence.
The problem is that we think there is a difference between a human and an animal, between a white man and a black man, between a man and a woman. And yes, on the surface, there are some key differences that we allow to become our focus. What we should be focusing on, where respect for all life lies is in our sameness. We all have a spirit inside of us and that spirit does not age. Ask anyone who is in their elder years and they will tell you that while their body feels old, their spirit still feels like a little kid. It’s a weird phenomenon, but it points to an eternal truth. We each came to this planet, but before we could “arrive” we had to be given an earthly body. I liken the differences of our bodies to the differences one might find driving down a street looking at homes. There are blue ones and green ones and red ones and white ones and yellow ones and even purple ones. Some of the houses are short and slender while others are compact and tall. Some are dirty and others are pristine. Some have protrusions while others have a smooth surface. While all of the houses on this street are different on the outside, they are all the same on the inside in that they provide shelter for people and some animals. The outside doesn’t really have anything to do with the inside.
We are the same. We all have an earthly body or as I like to call it a “carcass” because that is what it is - it’s a temporary home for the spirit that inhabits this body while on planet earth. It is nothing more. And just like the homes, there are brown bodies, black bodies, beige bodies, red bodies and white bodies. And each body has a spirit living inside of it while it is on this planet. It is the same with the animals too. All bodies are temporary homes for life on earth. The outside doesn’t mean anything - we just want it to and thus we begin to create divides that aren’t really there at all.
The only answer to prejudice in any form is to acknowledge that we really are all the same and thereby start respecting each other. No, you aren’t going to love everyone and there are going to be people who get on your nerves or who you just don’t like for one reason or another, but you can still respect the being inside them. The one you might know and spend time with long after this earthly body turns to dust. You don’t have to like someone to respect them.
This lack of respect keeps cycling through our planet, generation after generation. Slavery in all of its forms, genocide, the Holocaust, civil wars, gang violence, political upheaval, racism, religious wars, deadly road rage, mass shootings, etc… all of these horrific events boil down to a lack of respect for others you deem different from yourself. The awful truth is - it is a lie. There is no difference. We are all the same. To rip it out at the root we must bring respect back into society. If we don’t… we will bully, torture and murder until the earth blows up. What kind of world do you want? It really is up to you.
Everything is temporary if you give it enough time - Jewel
This strangely gives me comfort. No, I’m not afraid of commitment - it’s just that I am a Taurus and I tend to assume that this is it forever every time I hitch my cart to anything. Probably because I want so badly to hitch my cart to something and someone I actually want and anything outside of that is putting what I want another couple of years away or so I think.
I have an opportunity to step into a management position with the retail store I have been working at part-time. On the one hand it is the exact opposite of what I want: weird hours, no weekends, no holiday time off and all that standing - ugh. It’s also in Memphis - that place I don’t want to be. I mean I refuse to ever buy any property here and I feel that as long as I am here I will have zero friends and no man! I know I supposed to be giving up on that man part per my previous post, but while I am not actively seeking I am also very open to the right person showing up in my life.. ya know? Any who, I want to go north. My winter skin came back and it is not leaving. Northwest or Northeast and on a coast! I miss the ocean. Even though I only went at sunset or at night - I still love and need that big beautiful body of water. I want rolling hills or mountain tops and tall trees to give me shade. I want ALL of the seasons and a cooler climate. Memphis is flat, dangerous and only has two seasons. I live out on the outskirts and have not had much luck in making friends here. The ones I do make leave soon after and are usually from out west or up north and that is where they return.
Okay so getting back to the opportunity… On the other hand, this position would take the financial pressure off of me and allow me to knock my debt back down and take care of any medical needs as needed. This position would also look good on my resume since it would be a management position that deals with HR, Finance, some Operations and the sales floor. It just means staying put. Staying in Memphis and slamming the door on well…. Everything I ever wanted - not that I would get it, but staying put sorta makes it a 100% NO in my feeble little mind.
I don’t know. I think the no marriage and no kids thing is really starting to weigh on my soul. It has been made clear to me by others that I constantly try to invent “traditions”. And I am reminded over and over again that just because I do something and I like it and its a holiday - doesn’t mean it becomes a tradition. I apparently try to rope friends and family members into my so called traditions and they really wish I would go find someone to do “my traditions” with and leave them out of it. I have to say it is kinda true. I have held a tradition of seeing the play A Christmas Carol every Christmas season and no matter where I am I always rope someone into seeing it with me and then I make them go to dinner after and listen to me talk about how great it was and what the story means to me that year. My family went to the beach over a couple of Thanksgivings and I tried to make that a tradition. I was like this is awesome and its our new Thanksgiving tradition and they all yelled in unison back - No! It’s Not! Leave us alone, Jessica!
I digressed again. This is what happens whenever I am faced with any sort of decision. I don’t know why I make everything into an end all be all type of situation when I am the Queen of Departure. I guess my age is throwing a wrench in everything right now. I suddenly feel as if I have to absolutely get it right or it’s all over for me.
In the book I am reading, The Power of Now, it talks about surrendering to what is and not allowing any resentments or irritations to crop up. If you can’t shake the irritant, then allow it to pass through you. Well the past few days I have been allowing a giant irritant to pass. I don’t know I can’t just snap my fingers and surrender. I have to treat it like “Lady Time” in that I understand that I am going to feel like death and be depressed for about three days and then I’ll be better. I find myself doing the same with irritants. I cannot just surrender to them. I have to allow them to pass through me understanding that I am going to feel sick and depressed for a while, but it will eventually pass. I am trying to do that with this job opportunity. I am willing myself to see it as a possible answer for me right now. I have been doing a visualization that I learned from an Abundance Challenge from Deepak Chopra. You imagine yourself sitting on a beach and you have a pen, a piece of paper and a bottle with you. You write down your main intentions on the piece of paper, roll it up and stick it in the bottle and cap it. You watch yourself stand up and hurl the bottle and your intentions into the vast ocean of possibility knowing that the Universe (and God) will do the delivering. I guess it is a manifesting technique. I have been doing this with my top three intentions: Right job for me right now; meet, befriend and marry my life partner; write and create from home and be very successful at it.
I am trying to understand that this opportunity might be the right job for me right now. It might be what I am supposed to do. It’s not like it is easy to get a job across the country right now or get a work from home job right now or get any job right now. Maybe this is my next right move. I was just really hoping to relocate and get back into higher education which has great hours, great time off (especially around the holidays) and is typically a great long term place for women. Of course, the higher education industry has been hit extra hard by COVID-19 and most universities are on hiring freezes for anything except absolutely necessary positions. So maybe this is the next right move for me right now. Maybe this leads somewhere I cannot see… maybe this is a stepping stone and not a rock to be kicked out of the way. It is out of left field that they are even thinking of me for the position. I will have quite a learning curve ahead of me. And I mean if I keep saying I need to get my hand off the steering wheel aren’t I supposed to let go and let God and the Universe steer? Right now I am in the let’s just allow it to pass through me stage which means a lot of crying about not moving, not getting my own place, not getting a dog and not getting anything else I desperately want. I am allowing myself to feel these things understanding that I don’t actually know anything. I have judgements, not facts, and so I let go of the wheel and say yes to what is.
Well, one thing I have learned through current books and a meditation series is that I have a problem with uncertainty. It is true that I don’t feel okay unless I have a plan for everything. The plan can be absurd and not make any sense - it’s just having the plan that matters. The universe is apparently done putting up with me and my plans - at least for the time being. I am living on breadcrumbs. Every time I get to that point where I might actually default on everything I get just enough to keep me going for another week or two or three. It’s like I really am having to surrender anything and everything I could ever want to God and the Universe. I am being forced to have no plan.
My part-time job came back in a big way giving me full-time hours out of the blue and I was so happy. Finally, I thought, I can start tackling my debt again and start making the interest payments on my car again and you know splurge at the grocery store! I thought the pressure was off and I could wait for more things to open up so I could land myself somewhere good… Then I learned through conversations that what had been presented by management was not the actual truth. That if anything, I was hired back on to do a bunch of grunt work until store management was sure about the business staying open, then all of the regular employees would come back and I along with the few others in my classification would loose our hours again. It’s just heart breaking. And that’s not all. I have a foot problem. A problem that might diminish my one joy in life - hiking. A problem that might require surgery. A problem that is keeping me in excruciating pain while I am taking these few breadcrumbs that have been dropped in my lap. I can’t even!…
Had I gotten my new part-time job a few weeks before I would have been eligible for that $600 COVID paycheck, but I’m not. The good news would have been that if businesses are able to start staying open I can look for more part-time jobs with guaranteed hours, but all of those jobs will require standing and walking for several hours a day…Something that will make surgery my only option with my new foot issue. I think I am being taught how to truly live one day at a time trusting that God and the Universe will provide what I need when I need it. Perhaps I am also being taught a serious lesson on trust…. Or God’s just removing my hands from the steering wheel the only way He can… That could totally be it too. You know they say when you are drowning you have to stop fighting to survive just long enough for the lifeguard to get his arms around you and start taking you back to shore. Maybe you have to do the same in life…. I am certainly there. I don’t even have the will to try anymore… I just want to give up, but I can’t even do that… all I can do is take the breadcrumbs given. Wake up every day and tell God and the Universe (I don’t use these interchangeably) what I need and wait and see what happens. Like right now I apparently need a job that does not require me to be on my feet all day and I need health insurance like yesterday. But what job is going to do that and then let me take time off ??? Especially, in this current economic climate? I don’t know, but it is what I need and so I leave it at the feet of God and the Universe.
All of this has me thinking about who I am on the trail and my never ending pursuit to become that person all of the time. That person never worries about anything when on a trail. She don’t even have a plan when she is out in nature. She just picks a trail and she does it. She doesn’t worry about what she might encounter either. She just lives moment to moment in pure joy as she explores all that nature has to offer. Maybe I need to let my trail life become my blue print for my everyday life. I do some planning, but not much. I look at the mileage, the terrain, the weather and then I take what I deem appropriate and I just go. I leave everything else and I trust I will be okay. Something else I always do before starting out on a trail is wonder aloud: I wonder what nature has to offer me today? Will I see any cool wildlife? Will I encounter any unexpected obstacles? Will I see something beautiful? Maybe I should start each day with the question What does life have to offer me today? Maybe it will help me open up to the possibilities and opportunities around me during this trying time. Maybe this is the reason for the trying time…
A slight understatement, perhaps… I think I stopped trying to save myself for about a month because what’s the point? I can only accept a work-at-home position unless I relocate and nobody is offering that up right now! The only positions I do get calls for are in office. What am I supposed to do with that? Risk killing my relative for a pay check? Even if I did do that, my relative would put me on the street. And so I stopped trying for a while.
What I did do is focus on the internal. I am doing a very in-depth study of the New Testament that actually aligned quite well with the Easter holiday. I am also reading The Power of Now, a book I’ve heard of several times from several different people. The latest time involved an apparently well-known male lead actor discussing this book and this “Shhh…” he gives himself when his nerves, anxiety or depression spring up out of nowhere. I don’t really recall how I came across the video, but it left me thinking. I don’t do Mr. Evans “Shhh…” for me it’s a moment of silence followed by “anything can happen”. I don’t know something he said turned a light on in my head and so I bought the book by Eckhart Tolle and am in awe of how much it is hitting me between the eyes. I feel like this book might hold the key to the actual uprooting of some strongholds that I have tried to rip out for the past seven years and while I have made progress, I have also been unsuccessful. I can’t fathom anyone not loving this book, but it is apparently a love it or hate it book so if it’s not your thing - have no fear - the rest of this post moves on to the other things I am doing.
My soul is in a cleansing mode. And I’m not just talking about some spring cleaning although I am hard at work at that too. I have been going through everything I own: clothes, books, jewelry, journals, pictures, notes, makeup, perfume… if it exists and I have it - I am going through it and getting rid of a lot. My soul is craving simplicity. Heck, I don’t even know if I will ever wear makeup again. Ok, so maybe some primer and a light skin tint for that SPF, but not much else. You know why? Because not wearing makeup for the last few months has made me aware that I don’t look so bad without it. I guess I only saw myself for a few minutes each day without it and since it can be quite a contrast between made up and fresh faced for this porcelain queen I always thought I really needed the makeup. Like I couldn’t appreciate myself without it until I got used to seeing the real me on a daily basis.
I am also letting go of some deep seated desires due to the introspective realization that some of the things I want so badly to enter my life probably cannot. I didn’t realize what all had been stripped from me all those years ago and what continued to be stripped from me every time a new assault occurred. I didn’t understand. Of course, I was always drunk and that doesn’t tend to ever help any situation. I used to laugh it off when people wondered why I was never dating. I would always tell them I’m like Edina - all I need is my bottle and I’m good. I didn’t realize that my life was passing me by. I didn’t realize that I was losing precious years and opportunities to alcohol and that thing that happened and continued to happen in different situations and forms through out my life. I didn’t get it until I was over half way through my 39th year in a forced isolation and introspection. I don’t know how to be with a man. And I don’t know that I ever will. Mentally, emotionally & physically. I’ve never been consensual with anyone and that’s just a damn weird conversation to have with someone at my age. Now if only my sex drive would disappear. Oh, but no… it’s in full swing making me crazy.
But with the eventual letting go - new things will begin to emerge. I know this to be true. And there’s a lot of letting go going on right now. While I am back to trying to find a job, it might be too late for that too. By too late, I mean I don’t know if I will be able to keep my car. I worked so hard to get it, but it might be gone soon bringing even bigger problems into focus. I also might default on everything. I might be going back down to the bottom. It wasn’t so bad being there when I was drunk - it’s being there sober that has me worried. I don’t know if I can handle that. I’m really hoping I don’t have to find out. But let’s be honest, my rope, I’m at the end of it and I am going to have to let go. Maybe therein lies the lesson.
Please don’t think I’m distraught or upset even. I am not. I am at peace. Not particularly happy, but I am at peace with whatever unfolds. Either I get saved for the umpteenth time or I don’t. You can’t press your luck forever, right? Even if you are Scots-Irish and whatever else I am? Besides, the things I am learning during this non-working period feel kind of priceless. I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be and it’s the strangest feeling ever.
“No matter how many scars we carry from what we have gone through and suffered in the past, our intrinsic wholeness is still here: what else contains the scars? None of us has to be a helpless victim of what was done to us or what was not done for us in the past, nor do we have to be helpless in the face of what we may be suffering now. We are also what was present before the scarring—our original wholeness, what was born whole. And we can reconnect with that intrinsic wholeness at any time, because its very nature is that it is always present. It is who we truly are.”
Several years ago I set out on what would become a spiritual journey. Throughout this journey I was practically guided. I knew when it was time to leave and journey on to the next destination and I knew the identity of the next destination. It was like God was holding me by the hand and saying “now go here”. While I didn’t always know the why - I always soon found the why. Then a couple of years ago I got plopped back at my starting point and the guidance disappeared.
Fast forward to today. I still have no clue what is supposed to be next. I don’t know if I am supposed to stay or go. I don’t know which direction to look for career, love, friendship or anything else. I couldn’t even title this post. I am beyond lost.
Over the past two years I have made friends only to loose them to other cities. I have found jobs only to loose them to lay offs for various reasons. I have tried hard to find community here, but I always come up short. I am a roaming bull - otherwise known as a Taurus with some traits from my chatty neighbor the Gemini. I don’t exactly make friends easily and I have a double dose of independence, but I do NEED community.
I am confused. I have been in a fall apart circle since I left Florida. Things fell apart there. I didn’t have a pull to come back to Tennessee, but I didn't really have a choice either (that I know of). Since I came home, things have just continuously fallen apart in every area of my life over and over again. It really is a problem when you are trying to love and trust yourself! I mean I’m not giving myself much reason am I?
I just don’t know why the guidance stopped. Am I at the end of that particular spiritual journey? Did I learn all I needed to learn? If so, why don’t I know what to do now?
A part of me feels that the journey was great and awesome, but also too late. I worked really hard over the past eight years to learn to love and accept myself and be able to see myself as I really am - something I couldn’t do before. I worked hard. I got sober. I went through a couple of programs specifically designed for women with my issues. And I actually got the spiritual healing I was seeking. I can see myself as I actually am - I no longer live in a fun house with crazy mirrors that warp my appearance. I love myself, accept myself and feel that I am ready to enter into a healthy relationship for the first time in my almost 40 years on this planet.
But I find myself in a void. Nothing is working out. And worst of all, I have no guidance, no promptings, nothing pulling on my soul to indicate the next step and every step I have taken has appeared to be the wrong step.
Why take me though all of the spiritual healing if only to leave me alone and forsaken? That’s how I feel right now. Very alone and Very forsaken.
I could have played my cards differently in my current situation, but I still wouldn’t really know where to go or what to do.
I do think my turning 40 in a couple of months is also playing into a lot of this. I always thought I’d find something I love and I’d do it for a living. I always thought I would come across a man to marry and have kids with. I always thought everything was just going to work out. But it hasn’t.
I guess the one thing I can take comfort in is that I am living out my worst case scenario. I mean if you can live your worst case scenario - then nothing can really get you can it? I mean if you are already in free fall does it really matter where you land?
I feel like I’ve been unemployed more than I’ve been employed. I have stayed sober for 7.5 years and I am still sober today. Living my worst nightmare like a champ! That’s something.
And I know what I have to do. I have to put myself at the mercy of the universe once again and take whatever lackluster, crapshoot of a job I can and I am going to have to stay in that job, wherever that job is and deal with it for a while because I and my resume need some stability. And a dog.
I don’t know if the healing was too late for what I wanted out of life, but I do know that if it was - then it will lead me to a place of surrender and acceptance and most likely on a farm somewhere with 100 dogs or a Mars Commune - if that were ever an option. (not the planet, the band #echelon)
I am hopeful for many explorations ahead. I love to explore and try new places and new things. And who knows - maybe this void will empty me into a whole new level of being and I will find my way again.
My brain is a noisy place. The constant chatter can make it easy for me to feel confused about something as simple as what I want to eat. How am I supposed to make major decisions when I can easily become confused about eating? This is something I have been contemplating lately. I just feel lost. Very lost. So lost that I don’t even know if I am capable of being found. Life hasn’t turned out the way I wanted it to and I am finding it harder and harder to navigate. I feel like I wouldn’t know what I wanted even if it was staring me in the face! All the voices of the world keep telling me I am capable and I am strong and I can become anything I want to be - Well, what if I cannot choose? What if every choice I have made has been a wrong turn? What then? How do I stop manifesting what I don’t want? How do I find out what I do want? It’s like I’ve gone down so many wrong paths that I can’t even make myself choose anymore because I know it will be wrong!
This isn’t new to me. I have done the same thing with dating. I just stopped. I gave up on the fairy tale because every man I chose was very, very bad to me. I’m not talking douchebaggery here, I’m talking ill intentions of the worst variety and I chose them every time! Do I still want to get married - yes. Do I still want a family - yes. But I don’t trust myself and I’m sure not going to go looking for trouble until I can prove to myself that I can start liking guys who at least aren’t going to intentionally do things to destroy me.
Still - I have a problem choosing. I need to choose better. But how?
I think it has something to do with that still small voice deep inside me. Some people call it the God voice, others call it the voice of the higher self or one’s intuition. Whatever it is to you - it exists. But can it be heard over all the noise?
I’ve been trying to listen for it more intently and what I have discovered is that this still small voice is always there and always speaking. I just don’t always hear what it has to say or I shrug it off or I bat it out of my thoughts. That still small voice is so small it is easily missed. Often times it is nothing more than a thought that doesn’t make sense. And I also have noticed that the thought often comes with a barely noticeable string to my heart or soul. It is hard to explain - like I hear or see the thought and feel the thought in my heart region. The problem is it is often a fleeting millisecond of an experience.
One day I had gone outside to put tags on my car. As I walked back up to the front porch I saw and felt the word “mail”. It came out of nowhere and seemed out of place. I started to shrug it off and go inside as it was freezing out, but I turned around and made the trek down to the mail box. After all, I was trying to listen to that still small voice. It turns out, all of my tax documents had arrived in the mail that day. Point - still small voice.
Another recent incident involves my phone. I was worried. I had noticed that it was taking a lot longer for my device to charge and that it wasn’t holding its charge very long. Financially speaking, I did not need to need a new phone right now. I was going to research it - the phone, the battery and what not, but I just heard and felt the word “cord”. Again, I didn’t think it meant anything, but since I am trying to pay attention to that still small voice I decided to find some other USB cords I had around the house. Interestingly enough, the old cords worked. The phone started charging fast again and held the charge like it used to when it was new. It was indeed the cord - point still small voice.
These seem like simple moments, but my question to myself right now is how can I harness that same knowledge for the bigger things in life? I mean if my life is not how I want it - how can I harness that knowledge to make it what I want? I keep feeling like there is so much more inside me. That I have completely missed my path in life, lost my potential and am literally sitting in the middle of a field yelling how did I get here! What I should be yelling is how do I get out of here and how do I tap into my potential.
This post isn’t for any of you - it’s for me. I just felt led to sit down at the computer and write about that still small voice. I didn’t feel like I could. I haven’t been logging my experiences like I wanted to - but maybe I didn’t need to - Maybe I just need to start listening for and following that still small voice and see where it leads. I guess that’s gonna be my spiritual cultivation for 2020. Acknowledging and honoring that still small voice. What about you? What is your spiritual cultivation for 2020? Care to share?
I am sitting on the floor in my room with my MacBook in my lap with a hot cup of water beside me. It is Tuesday, December 31st of 2019. My festivities for the night include writing out some new year resolutions to guide me in 2020 and to veg out in front of the television for the rest of the evening. Tomorrow, January 1 of 2020, I will be attending a First Day Hike - something state parks around the country do ever New Year’s Day. This hike includes some presentations on birds of prey as well as a chance to get a picture with an owl! Since the owl is one of my power animals - I am stoked! I am starting off the New Year on a trail with some friends and an owl! Sounds about right for me. What about you? How are you starting off 2020?
I found my resolutions from last year and looked them over. I, apparently, wanted to be more service minded and find another good service position. I do recall starting off last year with an AA chair commitment that ended up lasting two months. I also recall having a meeting with someone at my church to try to find some service opportunities within the church. Aside from assisting in service every once in a while - that meeting fell flat along with any attempts at being of service to anyone except myself. Funny thing is I have recently come to know a few people who have the best presence or energy ever. The kind of people that just lift you up whether you want to be lifted up or not! I was just speaking with my Higher Power about how I’d love to be one of those people, but I have no idea how to get there! I’m thinking last year’s resolution is coming back in a slightly different form for 2020.
Another thing I lost sight of was my debt. I did have it all paid off at one time. Then things went sideways. In all actuality, I lost myself in the day to day. I forgot about my plan and I forgot about what I ultimately wanted. Execution has always been an issue for me, but these days it is killing me. Two and a half years ago, when I moved home - I did so with the intention of getting a job that could propel me forward while I paid off my debt, saved up money and would then jump back out into this crazy world - preferably somewhere on the west coast. What had happened was…. Propeller Job combusted and I got laid off and so I found another job (not a propeller job, but was decent money) and then that combusted and I found myself laid off again. While working the second job I was bored out of my mind and I found myself spending money like it was growing on a tree in my back yard. To be fair to myself, I have to admit that half of my debt was from medical bills for two separate, but costly medical issues but still - I spent a lot of cash. My main takeaway is that I let circumstances dictate my reality and interrupt my plan. In other words, instead of swerving, I got on a totally different interstate and I drove in the wrong direction! My second lay off in a row comes at a time when I have a lot of debt, which means the salary has to be that much higher for me to relocate. And relocate I probably could have - if I didn’t have this debt! Out of all of the jobs I have applied to - only a couple of opportunities have come up in or near my current city. All of the rest of the opportunities have come from the west coast, which is where I intended on going mind you! I should have never let the circumstances change my plan! I had three ops in California and seven in the PNW. Oh it stings! I’d love to live there - the cooler weather, the hiking, the beauty right outside your door. Ugh. I don’t know what happened… I kinda gave up I think. I don’t have friends here so I am very lonely and that loneliness is translating to depression. I have my family and I love having my family, but I need more than that to be happy.
One thing I did do that was on my list was plan a trip - an actual vacation. It’s been a long time since I could have any sort of vacation since I keep having to start over - over and over and over again. This last lay off was my 4th. I had wanted to go on a yoga retreat, an excursion and see my favorite band if they were in the US this year. I kind of combined it all into one short vacation to Los Angeles. I went to Camp Mars and saw my dudes, well, one of them and I made new friends and I got to see some old friends from LA. I went to the beach, did a beach cliff hike and enjoyed a yummy dinner. It was sweet and nostalgic. I used to drive the 101 from Encino to Agoura Hills every day. There’s just something about LA. Maybe it is who I was when I was there. I felt empowered, I had great friends, a great spiritual home (Mosaic) and adventures in the mountains or on the sea every weekend. Maybe it’s not that LA is magical.. Maybe I was magical while I was there. Maybe that is what I need to get back into my life - the magic of being alive! If I am going to be staying put for a while - which it looks like I am - maybe I need to do whatever it takes to find my people and create some magic in this town. I mean I did like living here at one point.. .Maybe I can like it again.
Okay so that was my wrap up for 2019. Now looking forward into 2020 and what do I want to see? Well, I know Mars is out of the question this year so maybe a yoga retreat? I also want to go see the Redwoods and maybe Lake Tahoe. I’ve spoken with a friend who lives in central California about a possible girls trip. Once I have a new job, I will reach back out to her and see if we can plan something. As for the yoga retreat - I know of one I want to go on - I will just have to see what the job brings in terms of leave benefits and what all I get during my unending first year. On a personal level, I do want to be better about being intentional with my interactions. I want so badly to be one of those people who has that unmistakable and contagious energy. That, I will have to leave up to Jesus - I can’t even fathom how to get there from where I am right now.
So in more clear terms my resolutions/goals for 2020 are below: