Everything is temporary if you give it enough time - Jewel
This strangely gives me comfort. No, I’m not afraid of commitment - it’s just that I am a Taurus and I tend to assume that this is it forever every time I hitch my cart to anything. Probably because I want so badly to hitch my cart to something and someone I actually want and anything outside of that is putting what I want another couple of years away or so I think.
I have an opportunity to step into a management position with the retail store I have been working at part-time. On the one hand it is the exact opposite of what I want: weird hours, no weekends, no holiday time off and all that standing - ugh. It’s also in Memphis - that place I don’t want to be. I mean I refuse to ever buy any property here and I feel that as long as I am here I will have zero friends and no man! I know I supposed to be giving up on that man part per my previous post, but while I am not actively seeking I am also very open to the right person showing up in my life.. ya know? Any who, I want to go north. My winter skin came back and it is not leaving. Northwest or Northeast and on a coast! I miss the ocean. Even though I only went at sunset or at night - I still love and need that big beautiful body of water. I want rolling hills or mountain tops and tall trees to give me shade. I want ALL of the seasons and a cooler climate. Memphis is flat, dangerous and only has two seasons. I live out on the outskirts and have not had much luck in making friends here. The ones I do make leave soon after and are usually from out west or up north and that is where they return.
Okay so getting back to the opportunity… On the other hand, this position would take the financial pressure off of me and allow me to knock my debt back down and take care of any medical needs as needed. This position would also look good on my resume since it would be a management position that deals with HR, Finance, some Operations and the sales floor. It just means staying put. Staying in Memphis and slamming the door on well…. Everything I ever wanted - not that I would get it, but staying put sorta makes it a 100% NO in my feeble little mind.
I don’t know. I think the no marriage and no kids thing is really starting to weigh on my soul. It has been made clear to me by others that I constantly try to invent “traditions”. And I am reminded over and over again that just because I do something and I like it and its a holiday - doesn’t mean it becomes a tradition. I apparently try to rope friends and family members into my so called traditions and they really wish I would go find someone to do “my traditions” with and leave them out of it. I have to say it is kinda true. I have held a tradition of seeing the play A Christmas Carol every Christmas season and no matter where I am I always rope someone into seeing it with me and then I make them go to dinner after and listen to me talk about how great it was and what the story means to me that year. My family went to the beach over a couple of Thanksgivings and I tried to make that a tradition. I was like this is awesome and its our new Thanksgiving tradition and they all yelled in unison back - No! It’s Not! Leave us alone, Jessica!
I digressed again. This is what happens whenever I am faced with any sort of decision. I don’t know why I make everything into an end all be all type of situation when I am the Queen of Departure. I guess my age is throwing a wrench in everything right now. I suddenly feel as if I have to absolutely get it right or it’s all over for me.
In the book I am reading, The Power of Now, it talks about surrendering to what is and not allowing any resentments or irritations to crop up. If you can’t shake the irritant, then allow it to pass through you. Well the past few days I have been allowing a giant irritant to pass. I don’t know I can’t just snap my fingers and surrender. I have to treat it like “Lady Time” in that I understand that I am going to feel like death and be depressed for about three days and then I’ll be better. I find myself doing the same with irritants. I cannot just surrender to them. I have to allow them to pass through me understanding that I am going to feel sick and depressed for a while, but it will eventually pass. I am trying to do that with this job opportunity. I am willing myself to see it as a possible answer for me right now. I have been doing a visualization that I learned from an Abundance Challenge from Deepak Chopra. You imagine yourself sitting on a beach and you have a pen, a piece of paper and a bottle with you. You write down your main intentions on the piece of paper, roll it up and stick it in the bottle and cap it. You watch yourself stand up and hurl the bottle and your intentions into the vast ocean of possibility knowing that the Universe (and God) will do the delivering. I guess it is a manifesting technique. I have been doing this with my top three intentions: Right job for me right now; meet, befriend and marry my life partner; write and create from home and be very successful at it.
I am trying to understand that this opportunity might be the right job for me right now. It might be what I am supposed to do. It’s not like it is easy to get a job across the country right now or get a work from home job right now or get any job right now. Maybe this is my next right move. I was just really hoping to relocate and get back into higher education which has great hours, great time off (especially around the holidays) and is typically a great long term place for women. Of course, the higher education industry has been hit extra hard by COVID-19 and most universities are on hiring freezes for anything except absolutely necessary positions. So maybe this is the next right move for me right now. Maybe this leads somewhere I cannot see… maybe this is a stepping stone and not a rock to be kicked out of the way. It is out of left field that they are even thinking of me for the position. I will have quite a learning curve ahead of me. And I mean if I keep saying I need to get my hand off the steering wheel aren’t I supposed to let go and let God and the Universe steer? Right now I am in the let’s just allow it to pass through me stage which means a lot of crying about not moving, not getting my own place, not getting a dog and not getting anything else I desperately want. I am allowing myself to feel these things understanding that I don’t actually know anything. I have judgements, not facts, and so I let go of the wheel and say yes to what is.
A slight understatement, perhaps… I think I stopped trying to save myself for about a month because what’s the point? I can only accept a work-at-home position unless I relocate and nobody is offering that up right now! The only positions I do get calls for are in office. What am I supposed to do with that? Risk killing my relative for a pay check? Even if I did do that, my relative would put me on the street. And so I stopped trying for a while.
What I did do is focus on the internal. I am doing a very in-depth study of the New Testament that actually aligned quite well with the Easter holiday. I am also reading The Power of Now, a book I’ve heard of several times from several different people. The latest time involved an apparently well-known male lead actor discussing this book and this “Shhh…” he gives himself when his nerves, anxiety or depression spring up out of nowhere. I don’t really recall how I came across the video, but it left me thinking. I don’t do Mr. Evans “Shhh…” for me it’s a moment of silence followed by “anything can happen”. I don’t know something he said turned a light on in my head and so I bought the book by Eckhart Tolle and am in awe of how much it is hitting me between the eyes. I feel like this book might hold the key to the actual uprooting of some strongholds that I have tried to rip out for the past seven years and while I have made progress, I have also been unsuccessful. I can’t fathom anyone not loving this book, but it is apparently a love it or hate it book so if it’s not your thing - have no fear - the rest of this post moves on to the other things I am doing.
My soul is in a cleansing mode. And I’m not just talking about some spring cleaning although I am hard at work at that too. I have been going through everything I own: clothes, books, jewelry, journals, pictures, notes, makeup, perfume… if it exists and I have it - I am going through it and getting rid of a lot. My soul is craving simplicity. Heck, I don’t even know if I will ever wear makeup again. Ok, so maybe some primer and a light skin tint for that SPF, but not much else. You know why? Because not wearing makeup for the last few months has made me aware that I don’t look so bad without it. I guess I only saw myself for a few minutes each day without it and since it can be quite a contrast between made up and fresh faced for this porcelain queen I always thought I really needed the makeup. Like I couldn’t appreciate myself without it until I got used to seeing the real me on a daily basis.
I am also letting go of some deep seated desires due to the introspective realization that some of the things I want so badly to enter my life probably cannot. I didn’t realize what all had been stripped from me all those years ago and what continued to be stripped from me every time a new assault occurred. I didn’t understand. Of course, I was always drunk and that doesn’t tend to ever help any situation. I used to laugh it off when people wondered why I was never dating. I would always tell them I’m like Edina - all I need is my bottle and I’m good. I didn’t realize that my life was passing me by. I didn’t realize that I was losing precious years and opportunities to alcohol and that thing that happened and continued to happen in different situations and forms through out my life. I didn’t get it until I was over half way through my 39th year in a forced isolation and introspection. I don’t know how to be with a man. And I don’t know that I ever will. Mentally, emotionally & physically. I’ve never been consensual with anyone and that’s just a damn weird conversation to have with someone at my age. Now if only my sex drive would disappear. Oh, but no… it’s in full swing making me crazy.
But with the eventual letting go - new things will begin to emerge. I know this to be true. And there’s a lot of letting go going on right now. While I am back to trying to find a job, it might be too late for that too. By too late, I mean I don’t know if I will be able to keep my car. I worked so hard to get it, but it might be gone soon bringing even bigger problems into focus. I also might default on everything. I might be going back down to the bottom. It wasn’t so bad being there when I was drunk - it’s being there sober that has me worried. I don’t know if I can handle that. I’m really hoping I don’t have to find out. But let’s be honest, my rope, I’m at the end of it and I am going to have to let go. Maybe therein lies the lesson.
Please don’t think I’m distraught or upset even. I am not. I am at peace. Not particularly happy, but I am at peace with whatever unfolds. Either I get saved for the umpteenth time or I don’t. You can’t press your luck forever, right? Even if you are Scots-Irish and whatever else I am? Besides, the things I am learning during this non-working period feel kind of priceless. I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be and it’s the strangest feeling ever.
“No matter how many scars we carry from what we have gone through and suffered in the past, our intrinsic wholeness is still here: what else contains the scars? None of us has to be a helpless victim of what was done to us or what was not done for us in the past, nor do we have to be helpless in the face of what we may be suffering now. We are also what was present before the scarring—our original wholeness, what was born whole. And we can reconnect with that intrinsic wholeness at any time, because its very nature is that it is always present. It is who we truly are.”
My brain is a noisy place. The constant chatter can make it easy for me to feel confused about something as simple as what I want to eat. How am I supposed to make major decisions when I can easily become confused about eating? This is something I have been contemplating lately. I just feel lost. Very lost. So lost that I don’t even know if I am capable of being found. Life hasn’t turned out the way I wanted it to and I am finding it harder and harder to navigate. I feel like I wouldn’t know what I wanted even if it was staring me in the face! All the voices of the world keep telling me I am capable and I am strong and I can become anything I want to be - Well, what if I cannot choose? What if every choice I have made has been a wrong turn? What then? How do I stop manifesting what I don’t want? How do I find out what I do want? It’s like I’ve gone down so many wrong paths that I can’t even make myself choose anymore because I know it will be wrong!
This isn’t new to me. I have done the same thing with dating. I just stopped. I gave up on the fairy tale because every man I chose was very, very bad to me. I’m not talking douchebaggery here, I’m talking ill intentions of the worst variety and I chose them every time! Do I still want to get married - yes. Do I still want a family - yes. But I don’t trust myself and I’m sure not going to go looking for trouble until I can prove to myself that I can start liking guys who at least aren’t going to intentionally do things to destroy me.
Still - I have a problem choosing. I need to choose better. But how?
I think it has something to do with that still small voice deep inside me. Some people call it the God voice, others call it the voice of the higher self or one’s intuition. Whatever it is to you - it exists. But can it be heard over all the noise?
I’ve been trying to listen for it more intently and what I have discovered is that this still small voice is always there and always speaking. I just don’t always hear what it has to say or I shrug it off or I bat it out of my thoughts. That still small voice is so small it is easily missed. Often times it is nothing more than a thought that doesn’t make sense. And I also have noticed that the thought often comes with a barely noticeable string to my heart or soul. It is hard to explain - like I hear or see the thought and feel the thought in my heart region. The problem is it is often a fleeting millisecond of an experience.
One day I had gone outside to put tags on my car. As I walked back up to the front porch I saw and felt the word “mail”. It came out of nowhere and seemed out of place. I started to shrug it off and go inside as it was freezing out, but I turned around and made the trek down to the mail box. After all, I was trying to listen to that still small voice. It turns out, all of my tax documents had arrived in the mail that day. Point - still small voice.
Another recent incident involves my phone. I was worried. I had noticed that it was taking a lot longer for my device to charge and that it wasn’t holding its charge very long. Financially speaking, I did not need to need a new phone right now. I was going to research it - the phone, the battery and what not, but I just heard and felt the word “cord”. Again, I didn’t think it meant anything, but since I am trying to pay attention to that still small voice I decided to find some other USB cords I had around the house. Interestingly enough, the old cords worked. The phone started charging fast again and held the charge like it used to when it was new. It was indeed the cord - point still small voice.
These seem like simple moments, but my question to myself right now is how can I harness that same knowledge for the bigger things in life? I mean if my life is not how I want it - how can I harness that knowledge to make it what I want? I keep feeling like there is so much more inside me. That I have completely missed my path in life, lost my potential and am literally sitting in the middle of a field yelling how did I get here! What I should be yelling is how do I get out of here and how do I tap into my potential.
This post isn’t for any of you - it’s for me. I just felt led to sit down at the computer and write about that still small voice. I didn’t feel like I could. I haven’t been logging my experiences like I wanted to - but maybe I didn’t need to - Maybe I just need to start listening for and following that still small voice and see where it leads. I guess that’s gonna be my spiritual cultivation for 2020. Acknowledging and honoring that still small voice. What about you? What is your spiritual cultivation for 2020? Care to share?
I am sitting on the floor in my room with my MacBook in my lap with a hot cup of water beside me. It is Tuesday, December 31st of 2019. My festivities for the night include writing out some new year resolutions to guide me in 2020 and to veg out in front of the television for the rest of the evening. Tomorrow, January 1 of 2020, I will be attending a First Day Hike - something state parks around the country do ever New Year’s Day. This hike includes some presentations on birds of prey as well as a chance to get a picture with an owl! Since the owl is one of my power animals - I am stoked! I am starting off the New Year on a trail with some friends and an owl! Sounds about right for me. What about you? How are you starting off 2020?
I found my resolutions from last year and looked them over. I, apparently, wanted to be more service minded and find another good service position. I do recall starting off last year with an AA chair commitment that ended up lasting two months. I also recall having a meeting with someone at my church to try to find some service opportunities within the church. Aside from assisting in service every once in a while - that meeting fell flat along with any attempts at being of service to anyone except myself. Funny thing is I have recently come to know a few people who have the best presence or energy ever. The kind of people that just lift you up whether you want to be lifted up or not! I was just speaking with my Higher Power about how I’d love to be one of those people, but I have no idea how to get there! I’m thinking last year’s resolution is coming back in a slightly different form for 2020.
Another thing I lost sight of was my debt. I did have it all paid off at one time. Then things went sideways. In all actuality, I lost myself in the day to day. I forgot about my plan and I forgot about what I ultimately wanted. Execution has always been an issue for me, but these days it is killing me. Two and a half years ago, when I moved home - I did so with the intention of getting a job that could propel me forward while I paid off my debt, saved up money and would then jump back out into this crazy world - preferably somewhere on the west coast. What had happened was…. Propeller Job combusted and I got laid off and so I found another job (not a propeller job, but was decent money) and then that combusted and I found myself laid off again. While working the second job I was bored out of my mind and I found myself spending money like it was growing on a tree in my back yard. To be fair to myself, I have to admit that half of my debt was from medical bills for two separate, but costly medical issues but still - I spent a lot of cash. My main takeaway is that I let circumstances dictate my reality and interrupt my plan. In other words, instead of swerving, I got on a totally different interstate and I drove in the wrong direction! My second lay off in a row comes at a time when I have a lot of debt, which means the salary has to be that much higher for me to relocate. And relocate I probably could have - if I didn’t have this debt! Out of all of the jobs I have applied to - only a couple of opportunities have come up in or near my current city. All of the rest of the opportunities have come from the west coast, which is where I intended on going mind you! I should have never let the circumstances change my plan! I had three ops in California and seven in the PNW. Oh it stings! I’d love to live there - the cooler weather, the hiking, the beauty right outside your door. Ugh. I don’t know what happened… I kinda gave up I think. I don’t have friends here so I am very lonely and that loneliness is translating to depression. I have my family and I love having my family, but I need more than that to be happy.
One thing I did do that was on my list was plan a trip - an actual vacation. It’s been a long time since I could have any sort of vacation since I keep having to start over - over and over and over again. This last lay off was my 4th. I had wanted to go on a yoga retreat, an excursion and see my favorite band if they were in the US this year. I kind of combined it all into one short vacation to Los Angeles. I went to Camp Mars and saw my dudes, well, one of them and I made new friends and I got to see some old friends from LA. I went to the beach, did a beach cliff hike and enjoyed a yummy dinner. It was sweet and nostalgic. I used to drive the 101 from Encino to Agoura Hills every day. There’s just something about LA. Maybe it is who I was when I was there. I felt empowered, I had great friends, a great spiritual home (Mosaic) and adventures in the mountains or on the sea every weekend. Maybe it’s not that LA is magical.. Maybe I was magical while I was there. Maybe that is what I need to get back into my life - the magic of being alive! If I am going to be staying put for a while - which it looks like I am - maybe I need to do whatever it takes to find my people and create some magic in this town. I mean I did like living here at one point.. .Maybe I can like it again.
Okay so that was my wrap up for 2019. Now looking forward into 2020 and what do I want to see? Well, I know Mars is out of the question this year so maybe a yoga retreat? I also want to go see the Redwoods and maybe Lake Tahoe. I’ve spoken with a friend who lives in central California about a possible girls trip. Once I have a new job, I will reach back out to her and see if we can plan something. As for the yoga retreat - I know of one I want to go on - I will just have to see what the job brings in terms of leave benefits and what all I get during my unending first year. On a personal level, I do want to be better about being intentional with my interactions. I want so badly to be one of those people who has that unmistakable and contagious energy. That, I will have to leave up to Jesus - I can’t even fathom how to get there from where I am right now.
So in more clear terms my resolutions/goals for 2020 are below:
“Life is a dance between making it happen and letting it happen” - Arianna Huffington
My higher power has been giving me two main phrases over and over and over again.
I had a real life exercise with this whole letting it be what it becomes when I attended Camp Mars in Malibu this past month. I really didn’t realize what I was getting myself into and while some of it was painful for me, I ended up having the time of my life.
To start things off, I had to let go of my plane leaving the gate late. I knew I had a tight connection in Denver and did not want to miss my flight or have a repeat of Christmas three years ago which had me running the length of the Denver airport with luggage in tow to make my connection. I also had to relinquish control over the fact that I have unstable blood sugar and really needed to get a meal before boarding my next plane. I had to just trust that everything was going to work out and it did. While I did make my connection, I was not afforded time to eat or even grab a snack. I was able to get a couple of glasses of orange juice to stabilize myself until I landed in Burbank. Once in Burbank, I made a bee line for the eateries and found one that matched my dietary restrictions. I soon realized that I had completely forgotten about my luggage and promptly walked over to find no luggage spinning on the tracks. I immediately looked around trying not to freak out and as I did so my eyes landed on what looked like my suitcase behind a set of closed doors. I went over and discovered that my luggage had been brought inside the Southwest office for safe keeping! YAY!
I got an Uber and he was the nicest driver who actually lives down the street from where I used to work in LA! We talked about all kinds of places and the growth going on in that part of the city. Fast Forward to landing at Camp Mars. I had been so worried about how I would get along with others. Would it be high school all over again where I didn’t fit in? Would I have people to hang out with? Would I have someone to eat meals with? I just didn’t know what to expect and my anxiety was at an all time high. Again, I kept hearing “ let it be what it becomes”. And so I did my best to do so. I immediately met another newbie who was staying in my same building. We hung out together the first night. That night I met my two roommates for the weekend. Both were well seasoned in all things Camp Mars because they had attended all of them. Both ladies were really sweet, around my age and we had tons in common. I immediately felt at home. It sounds crazy, but I was also worried about getting showers at night and being able to get a decent amount of sleep due to any sort of stress triggering a yet to be named digestive disorder. Everything worked out fine for the entire weekend, sleep and showers included!
Day two is where the rubber met the road in terms of letting it be what it becomes… I guess because last year’s camp had so many activities, I was a little disappointed to learn that a lot of those activities had not returned this year. I wasn’t sure how I would fill my time between meals. I would soon learn that a lot of that time would be taken up waiting in lines to do the few activities we did have and to get first dibs on the concert lawn for shows. I really didn’t like all of the waiting, but it was something my roommate said that helped me to look at it in a different way. She said this year is more low key and she kind of liked it in a way because it gave everyone time to get to know each other. I thought about this and by day 3 I was looking forward to the next line I would be sitting in (yes we got smart) and found that I really enjoyed starting up new conversations with whoever happened to be in line around me at the time. Sometimes it was familiar faces and sometimes it was brand new faces with new stories and new perspectives. By the end of the trip, I was happy that we didn’t have all of the activities that normally take place. I feel that if we had - I wouldn’t have gotten to know as many people.
The hard part was letting if be what it became throughout each day. I wanted to take control so bad and know what was happening next and this particular camp was done more on a “be here at this time for something with Jared” level. I am a Taurus. I like detailed itineraries and I like to know in advance what I need to do, have and be for whatever is happening. I had to fight that part of myself a lot at camp. And I even had to fight that part of myself on the rest of my trip. Plans kind of kept shifting with friends I had planned to see and I had to stay flexible and let the trip be whatever it became. And what it became was absolutely amazing. I said goodbye to all of my new friends at Camp Mars and ended up having a late lunch by the ocean in Malibu with an old friend. After lunch we went hiking on the coast. We have never been ones to stay on the trail and so we found ourselves carefully trudging down a sandy sea cliff to enjoy the views of the vast Pacific Ocean. We even got to see some dolphins and seals. I thought I was going to have to Uber all the way back to Burbank for dinner, but my friend ended up taking me since she was heading in that direction anyway. Later that night, I saw another old friend from LA and had an amazing dinner while catching up on life.
I was told before I left on my trip that I would get what I came for. One day in I thought that was absurd, because I had come for a hug and a drum circle with may favorite drummer - neither of which happened due to personal illness. It was when I was leaving that realized I had gotten what I came for - I learned first hand how to become the person I am on the trails. I’ve been chewing on this notion for over a year now - I hadn’t been able to grasp how to take who I am on the trails and translate it to everyday life. I now have a real life example to lead and guide me along my journey. I did indeed get what I came for - I learned how to lessen the death grip I have on life and ease the anxiety of most of my moments - I learned how to let it be what it becomes. And I am using this lesson right now to guide me through a season of change in terms of my career and possibly place of residence. Just like at camp, I want all of the answers right now, but as I have learned I just have to do my part and let it be what it becomes.
I had been feeling rundown for over a week. I was just exhausted. Everyday tasks seemed daunting… I felt overwhelmed by life and that overwhelming feeling had taken on a new form… oppression. I felt oppressed. I enjoyed nothing, had energy for nothing and only wanted my comfy mattress and warm covers. I wanted an escape, but I didn’t know what to escape to… I started praying… asking for help because I didn’t want to feel the way I felt anymore and I didn’t know how to fix myself. Then it hit me: spiritual problems manifest as physical problems. Then I heard “I TRUST”. I TRUST, I TRUST, I TRUST… It almost had a beat to it. Over and over and over in my mind I heard I TRUST. I allowed this to become a mantra for the rest of my day. I TRUST became a backdrop in my mind.
As I went through my day at work with the mantra on automatic repeat, I realized I had been putting a lot of pressure on myself as of late. I had gained weight and couldn’t fit into most of my pants so I wanted to loose the weight as quickly as possible. I was also contemplating going back to school and felt that I was in a now or never moment to change the trajectory of my life. I was desperately searching for my next right step in so many areas of my life and I didn’t have any true clarity… or did I? I realized over the course of the that day that I had been living out of my own power, instead of God’s power. This is why I felt so powerless. I was running on my own steam and my steam cannot sustain me. Something had to change. Again the mantra “I TRUST”. As I continued through my afternoon something interesting began to happen within my mind. Those unrelenting and scary discussions I was having within began to hit a brick wall: I have to loose these 15 pounds so I can wear my clothes and go on a date or two….. I TRUST; I have to keep up with my Disciple classwork… I TRUST; I have to get these ten things done this week so I can keep moving myself forward already…. I TRUST; I have to find a new job and pick a master’s program and figure what in the hell I am going to do with my life now or I’ll…. I TRUST.
By the end of the day those thoughts and many others couldn’t even really get started in my head - the mantra would automatically kick in and kick those unhealthy and unhelpful thoughts out. I also noticed that my energy level had picked up and I was beginning to feel like myself again. The next morning I awoke feeling a million times better. It seems as though, at least for this time, a spiritual problem had, indeed, manifested into a physical problem. I wasn’t physically sick, I had been spiritually sick and my creator led me to the source of the problem. I need to trust. I need to trust God, I need to trust myself and I need to trust others and the universe to have my back. I did not have a physical ailment, I had a spiritual ailment - a trust issue. I also have to learn to stop living out of my own power and start living out of God’s power. I am still learning what this means, but for now I have the mantra “I TRUST” knocking out unhealthy thought patterns so I can breathe and enjoy life again.