I TRUST...

I had been feeling rundown for over a week.  I was just exhausted.  Everyday tasks seemed daunting… I felt overwhelmed by life and that overwhelming feeling had taken on a new form… oppression.  I felt oppressed.   I enjoyed nothing, had energy for nothing and only wanted my comfy mattress and warm covers.  I wanted an escape, but I didn’t know what to escape to… I started praying… asking for help because I didn’t want to feel the way I felt anymore and I didn’t know how to fix myself.  Then it hit me: spiritual problems manifest as physical problems.  Then I heard “I TRUST”.  I TRUST, I TRUST, I TRUST… It almost had a beat to it.  Over and over and over in my mind I heard I TRUST.  I allowed this to become a mantra for the rest of my day.  I TRUST became a backdrop in my mind.  ​

As I went through my day at work with the mantra on automatic repeat, I realized I had been putting a lot of pressure on myself as of late.  I had gained weight and couldn’t fit into most of my pants so I wanted to loose the weight as quickly as possible.  I was also contemplating going back to school and felt that I was in a now or never moment to change the trajectory of my life.  I was desperately searching for my next right step in so many areas of my life and I didn’t have any true clarity… or did I?  I realized over the course of the that day that I had been living out of my own power, instead of God’s power.  This is why I felt so powerless.  I was running on my own steam and my steam cannot sustain me.  Something had to change.  Again the mantra “I TRUST”.  As I continued through my afternoon something interesting began to happen within my mind.  Those unrelenting and scary discussions I was having within began to hit a brick wall: I have to loose these 15 pounds so I can wear my clothes and go on a date or two….. I TRUST; I have to keep up with my Disciple classwork… I TRUST;  I have to get these ten things done this week so I can keep moving myself forward already…. I TRUST;  I have to find a new job and pick a master’s program and figure what in the hell I am going to do with my life now or I’ll…. I TRUST.

By the end of the day those thoughts and many others couldn’t even really get started in my head - the mantra would automatically kick in and kick those unhealthy and unhelpful thoughts out.  I also noticed that my energy level had picked up and I was beginning to feel like myself again.  The next morning I awoke feeling a million times better.  It seems as though, at least for this time, a spiritual problem had, indeed, manifested into a physical problem.  I wasn’t physically sick, I had been spiritually sick and my creator led me to the source of the problem.  I need to trust.  I need to trust God, I need to trust myself and I need to trust others and the universe to have my back.  I did not have a physical ailment, I had a spiritual ailment - a trust issue.  I also have to learn to stop living out of my own power and start living out of God’s power.  I am still learning what this means, but for now I have the mantra “I TRUST” knocking out unhealthy thought patterns so I can breathe and enjoy life again.