Something interesting has happened as a result of quarantine.  I’ve gained weight, fifteen pounds to be exact.  No, that’s not the interesting part.  What is interesting is that I like myself.  Anyone who has read any of my blog posts knows that I have struggled with body image and self worth for eons.  I have always wanted to be as slender as possible and I have really pushed myself to make this happen - limiting food intake and type along with crazy exercise.  I have also shared that I had trouble seeing myself as I really was and often did not realize all my bones were showing.  Friends had to tell me these things and I would try and eat a little more to make the bones go away.  I am in a totally different place today.

I have come to realize through this weight gain that perhaps there is a reason I have always struggled to be “thin”.  I have a misplaced rib cage and I really think the reason I absolutely love how I look sans clothes right now is because the weight hides the somewhat protruding cage on my left side.  It is really strange to hate the number on the scale, but love the reflection in the mirror.  I guess I need not worry about the scale…  Besides, I am still on the healthy side of those pesky charts…. Hanging on the edge, but those charts have been disagreed upon for as long as they have been in existence so why should I worry about them?  As long as I’m in the ball park I think I am alright.

I really have been working on accepting myself and getting closer to my higher power through a sister religion that places more emphasis on how great and awesome God is and less emphasis on how much we humans miss the mark.   I have been praying and meditating on these intentions and I hope that my liking what I see in the mirror is proof that my intentions are happening.  

I am also trying to open myself up to opportunities of all kinds including those in the significant other department.  Many know that I stopped dating years ago after several horrific things happened to me as a result of dating.  I made myself a dating profile this morning.  It was very painful, but I did it.  While I am still terrified, I am also hopeful that making a couple of profiles and letting them exist in the world will help me slowly open up to the idea that I can have a great someone in my life.  I also intend to get back into Meetups and Facebook Groups and other ways of meeting people in person.  I have never liked the online dating scene and would much rather bump into someone on the street, but as I said before I am trying to be open to possibilities.

I have also been reconsidering what it is I think I am looking for in a man and/or partner.  Looking through these dating profiles has taught me a few things in this department…. One being maybe there is a reason I have always been attracted to red flags.  Not that I need one, but a reformed/mellowed red flag who finally wants to have a real partner in his life to explore, play and enjoy this world with doesn’t sound all that bad at this stage of the game.  After all, I have entered the 40 decade and having someone unencumbered and free to play sounds better than someone who has a lot of strings inhibiting what they can do and where they can go.  Previously, I was desperate to find someone with kids and a house that I could just drop into… Now I am not so sure that is the best way to go…

I feel good about life right now, which is new for me.  I feel good about all of the possibilities and I just have to make sure I keep myself open to what and who might come my way.  I am (hopefully) on the brink of obtaining a new career position and with it might come a whole new life.  I mean even if I stay in Memphis things will change, but I have some pots boiling on the East and West coasts and I am really hoping one of them ruptures at the right price, ya know.  If not, I will stay in limbo and get another for-the-moment job, but then I am reminded isn’t all for-the-moment?


PS - I think I am going to change my blog back to its original form…. Me and my thoughts as I navigate life.

I don’t usually know what the new year has in store for me, but this year is a little different.  I know change looms in the distance.  I cannot continue in my current circumstances.  It is impossible.  I also know I might be looking at several changes this year, the timing of which are unknown to me.  It’s not the change that has me anxious, it is the unknown aspect of it all.  Will I like it?  Will it be another ‘try to make the best of a crappy situation’ scenario?  Will it bring me to a new city and if so, will I like it and the city or just one of the two?  All I know is that if the change doesn’t come, I really will lose everything so the change MUST come!!!

My resolutions look different this year too!  My list is more abstract than concrete.  During the year of quarantine I have been doing a lot of reading.  I’ve been really working on fixing some parts of myself that need fixing.  I’ve also been learning more about my God from a different perspective.  If you’ve read anything I’ve written, you know I am technically Christian and 100% spiritual and I’ve been diving into a sister religion this past year.  It’s not the first time either.  But this is a much more in-depth exploration that I’ve ever done in the past.  And that’s what I am calling it, an exploration.  I know a lot about God, the Son, and probably too much about the humans around Him.  Who I don’t know is God, the Father, and that’s who I am getting to know and I am loving what I am learning.

As for my resolutions, it would be easy to say that it all really depends on how this year plays out, on what God graces me with in terms of employment and what not, but that’s not really true.  As I sit here looking over my list, I can see how I can still work on each one regardless of whether I get saved from complete devastation or if I get swept into the trash to be chomped or burned.  Maybe that’s not the right analogy, but it is how I am feeling this New Year’s Eve.

First and foremost, I want to really start combating my initial response to everything which is self-sabotage.  I’m definitely one to run when I shouldn’t and I absolutely love talking myself out of everything and I am really creative when it comes to finding ways to make myself an outsider.  I could seriously write a best-seller on how to make everything fall to pieces every single time.  I should have played baseball because I can bat any opportunity that comes my way out of the park. And I’m good at batting people out too.  These are just some of the things I need to stop doing.  Maybe I will call this an exploration too!  Instead of using my handy vocabulary of “No”, “I don’t want to”, and “I don’t like it”, I will start using words like “yes”, “okay” or “it’s not my thing, but I’ll give it a try”.

Second, I really want to get back to more of who I was before I quit drinking eight years ago.  I want to CDE as I  call it - Create, Design, Explore.  I need more of that in my life and it doesn’t have to necessarily be in the way that I perceive it either. I just need that energy back in my life.  I had all of these ideas that I never moved on and they are all still good ideas so maybe this year I can at least move toward that energy since a lot of it is dependent on my financial status.

And last, but not least, my finances are my final resolution for 2021.  I really need to dig myself out of a rather large hole that is getting bigger and bigger as each day passes.  Yes, a fair amount of this resolution is dependent on my next job, however, there are some things I can do on my end to at least keep the hole from getting any bigger and I am prepared to do those things.  I’ve actually been mentally preparing for a month.

So here’s to a happy, healthy and rewarding year ahead. May what we write on paper become our new reality.  Much love and light and laughter to you and yours!

Oh my, it’s been a minute!  2020 has been both good and bad to me.  How about you?  On the good side, my entire family has been able to remain COVID free.  On the bad side, I have been unemployed for over a year at this point.  I am working for a big box retailer doing online order fulfillment making like 20% of what I did make.  Ouch!  I don’t really have enough to spread around, but I am trying.  Another plus that is also a minus is my holiday 6 days a week and can you always stay much later than scheduled schedule.  I like what I am doing in that the hours fly by because I am so busy, but my body is taking a beating.  Being on my feet and walking and stooping and lifting and all for 8+ hours a day is absolutely brutal.  I had just started a workout and eating program to try and loose the weight I have gained too!  I can only try to eat right at this point because my body can’t do much beyond stretching and resting.  And so this extra weight isn’t going anywhere just like my debt.  I’m trying not to let my circumstances get to me, but it is difficult.  I am beyond scared for myself and my future and my ability to take care of future me, which is non-existent right now.  I have always joked about not having a funeral and just plunging off a cliff into the sea to become fish food… Perhaps I should not have joked about this… it might be my future.  In the same way I should have never joked about my tanning bed being my bright, sunny coffin - that’s how melanoma came into my life.

Anywho, I don’t want to be too down because there are some good things coming out of what I am going through.  And I am learning how to make the most of what is right now.  Like something simple I could have done months ago was flip my schedule.  I have always been a yoga in the morning and a workout at night kinda girl.  But I have flipped my schedule and am trying to do pilates or simple weight training in the morning and stretching out my body at night with recovery yoga.  IDK.  Sometimes intellectuals have the biggest problems with the most simplest things.
I have also finally relented and am taking something to help with my EXTREME temper.  One day I came home from this job I have ready to kill everyone.  I was crying every morning and crying at work and crying when I drove home.  The stress was palpable.  I’ve been told many times in my life that I care too much in the wrong way.  I’ve never really been able to understand, but one night driving home it clicked.  I know that many people in recovery take prescription or herbal medications to help take the edge off or help with that part of them that cannot deal with reality.  Anyone who has read my blog all the way back knows that I have major PTSD type symptoms from a prescription drug that gave me a psychotic break and so I don’t like prescription drugs or medicine in general.  I just kept thinking that at some point I would get enough healing or growth and be “okay” like other people.  Eight years into sobriety I was pushed past my edge and relented.  I obviously don’t have insurance right now (another issue because I have something I need to see a doctor for and I can’t so prayers - PLEASE) and so I went to Sprouts and looked in the emotional well being isle and just prayed that I would pick the right one.  I ended up with a Stress Response bottle from Gaia Herbs and it has changed my life.  I have no idea how it works or what it is doing other than the fact that I am me - only better.  Stuff doesn’t bother me anymore.  Heck, I can even go to the grocery store and run ten errands after work if I need to and I am not bothered by it at all.   (I have previously mentioned my sincere hatred for grocery stores and pharmacies). I am me, but calm.  Apparently I have an over-reactive stress response to basically anything that is required of me. IDK.  Perhaps that’s why I’m an addict.  I don’t know.  But I am hopeful that this herbal supplement will continue to work for me because it is doing what I cannot do for myself.  It also lets me know that it wasn’t me and no amount of will power would have ever changed me - it’s a chemical and/or biological response that I cannot control on my own.  If it weren’t for this whole crazy 2020 situation I am in - I don’t know that I would have figured this out.  And that is priceless!

I am also working on being really grateful right now in all things.  One night at work, I helped a disabled man out of the store.  I found out he also works in retail for a different big box retailer.  He actually does some of the same things I do just a at a much slower pace.  He is so grateful to this retailer (Kohls) for giving him this job and allowing him to do it in his best way.  It made me think that I should be grateful for my job too.  After all, as much trouble as I am having physically and financially he is doing a similar job with a physical handicap that probably makes it even harder on him and he is grateful and I am not.  God really slapped me in the face with that one.  God gets you like that sometimes.
 
A rabbi recently spoke on Jacob and how he always tried to put conditions on his good deeds.  Like if he was trying to barter with God to get what he wanted by saying if You do blank ,then I will do blank for the rest of my life or the rest of this year, etc.  The rabbi mentioned how disgraceful this was and how Jacob should not really be a hero at all other than the fact that we slowly see him change and grow through all of his mistakes and wrong choices.  You can’t please God my bartering with him and you can’t please God doing good deeds because you are trying to get a certain outcome.  The only way to please God is to do what is right because it is the right thing to do.  End of story.  No questions.

And so I am trying to be grateful in all things and I am trying to do what is right in my encounters with my fellow humans for the sake of doing what is right and nothing more.  Especially, now that I am not a raging lunatic ;-)  Besides, doing good deeds to try and get a certain outcome only makes you bitter and resentful.  It’s a trap I have found myself in too many times.  And so I guess that is another vicious cycle I am being freed from in crazy 2020.  My hope is that I can keep these lessons with me as I continue to adjust to my circumstances whatever they may be in the future.
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How about you?  How as 2020 kicked you butt?  How has it blessed you beyond measure?
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“Life is a dance between making it happen and letting it happen” - Arianna Huffington

My higher power has been giving me two main phrases over and over and over again.

1. I’m not in charge of the timing.
2. Let It Be What It Becomes

Both are about relinquishing a certain amount of control.  It wasn’t long before I realized that in order to let it be what it becomes, one has to have trust that something or someone has their back.  One has to trust that everything is going to work out for the best.

I had a real life exercise with this whole letting it be what it becomes when I attended Camp Mars in Malibu this past month.  I really didn’t realize what I was getting myself into and while some of it was painful for me, I ended up having the time of my life.  

To start things off, I had to let go of my plane leaving the gate late.  I knew I had a tight connection in Denver and did not want to miss my flight or have a repeat of Christmas three years ago which had me running the length of the Denver airport with luggage in tow to make my connection.  I also had to relinquish control over the fact that I have unstable blood sugar and really needed to get a meal before boarding my next plane.  I had to just trust that everything was going to work out and it did.  While I did make my connection, I was not afforded time to eat or even grab a snack.  I was able to get a couple of glasses of orange juice to stabilize myself until I landed in Burbank.  Once in Burbank, I made a bee line for the eateries and found one that matched my dietary restrictions.  I soon realized that I had completely forgotten about my luggage and promptly walked over to find no luggage spinning on the tracks.  I immediately looked around trying not to freak out and as I did so my eyes landed on what looked like my suitcase behind a set of closed doors.  I went over and discovered that my luggage had been brought inside the Southwest office for safe keeping!  YAY!  

I got an Uber and he was the nicest driver who actually lives down the street from where I used to work in LA!  We talked about all kinds of places and the growth going on in that part of the city.  Fast Forward to landing at Camp Mars.  I had been so worried about how I would get along with others.  Would it be high school all over again where I didn’t fit in?  Would I have people to hang out with?  Would I have someone to eat meals with?  I just didn’t know what to expect and my anxiety was at an all time high.  Again, I kept hearing “ let it be what it becomes”.  And so I did my best to do so.  I immediately met another newbie who was staying in my same building.  We hung out together the first night.  That night I met my two roommates for the weekend.  Both were well seasoned in all things Camp Mars because they had attended all of them.  Both ladies were really sweet, around my age and we had tons in common.  I immediately felt at home.  It sounds crazy, but I was also worried about getting showers at night and being able to get a decent amount of sleep due to any sort of stress triggering a yet to be named digestive disorder.  Everything worked out fine for the entire weekend, sleep and showers included!

Day two is where the rubber met the road in terms of letting it be what it becomes… I guess because last year’s camp had so many activities, I was a little disappointed to learn that a lot of those activities had not returned this year.  I wasn’t sure how I would fill my time between meals.  I would soon learn that a lot of that time would be taken up waiting in lines to do the few activities we did have and to get first dibs on the concert lawn for shows.  I really didn’t like all of the waiting, but it was something my roommate said that helped me to look at it in a different way.  She said this year is more low key and she kind of liked it in a way because it gave everyone time to get to know each other.  I thought about this and by day 3 I was looking forward to the next line I would be sitting in (yes we got smart) and found that I really enjoyed starting up new conversations with whoever happened to be in line around me at the time.  Sometimes it was familiar faces and sometimes it was brand new faces with new stories and new perspectives.  By the end of the trip, I was happy that we didn’t have all of the activities that normally take place.  I feel that if we had - I wouldn’t have gotten to know as many people.  

The hard part was letting if be what it became throughout each day.  I wanted to take control so bad and know what was happening next and this particular camp was done more on a “be here at this time for something with Jared” level.  I am a Taurus.  I like detailed itineraries and I like to know in advance what I need to do, have and be for whatever is happening.  I had to fight that part of myself a lot at camp.  And I even had to fight that part of myself on the rest of my trip.  Plans kind of kept shifting with friends I had planned to see and I had to stay flexible and let the trip be whatever it became.  And what it became was absolutely amazing.  I said goodbye to all of my new friends at Camp Mars and ended up having a late lunch by the ocean in Malibu with an old friend.  After lunch we went hiking on the coast.  We have never been ones to stay on the trail and so we found ourselves carefully trudging down a sandy sea cliff to enjoy the views of the vast Pacific Ocean.  We even got to see some dolphins and seals.  I thought I was going to have to Uber all the way back to Burbank for dinner, but my friend ended up taking me since she was heading in that direction anyway.  Later that night, I saw another old friend from LA and had an amazing dinner while catching up on life.

I was told before I left on my trip that I would get what I came for.  One day in I thought that was absurd, because I had come for a hug and a drum circle with may favorite drummer - neither of which happened due to personal illness.  It was when I was leaving that realized I had gotten what I came for - I learned first hand how to become the person I am on the trails.  I’ve been chewing on this notion for over a year now - I hadn’t been able to grasp how to take who I am on the trails and translate it to everyday life.  I now have a real life example to lead and guide me along my journey.  I did indeed get what I came for - I learned how to lessen the death grip I have on life and ease the anxiety of most of my moments - I learned how to let it be what it becomes.  And I am using this lesson right now to guide me through a season of change in terms of my career and possibly place of residence.  Just like at camp, I want all of the answers right now, but as I have learned I just have to do my part and let it be what it becomes.

I had been feeling rundown for over a week.  I was just exhausted.  Everyday tasks seemed daunting… I felt overwhelmed by life and that overwhelming feeling had taken on a new form… oppression.  I felt oppressed.   I enjoyed nothing, had energy for nothing and only wanted my comfy mattress and warm covers.  I wanted an escape, but I didn’t know what to escape to… I started praying… asking for help because I didn’t want to feel the way I felt anymore and I didn’t know how to fix myself.  Then it hit me: spiritual problems manifest as physical problems.  Then I heard “I TRUST”.  I TRUST, I TRUST, I TRUST… It almost had a beat to it.  Over and over and over in my mind I heard I TRUST.  I allowed this to become a mantra for the rest of my day.  I TRUST became a backdrop in my mind.  ​

As I went through my day at work with the mantra on automatic repeat, I realized I had been putting a lot of pressure on myself as of late.  I had gained weight and couldn’t fit into most of my pants so I wanted to loose the weight as quickly as possible.  I was also contemplating going back to school and felt that I was in a now or never moment to change the trajectory of my life.  I was desperately searching for my next right step in so many areas of my life and I didn’t have any true clarity… or did I?  I realized over the course of the that day that I had been living out of my own power, instead of God’s power.  This is why I felt so powerless.  I was running on my own steam and my steam cannot sustain me.  Something had to change.  Again the mantra “I TRUST”.  As I continued through my afternoon something interesting began to happen within my mind.  Those unrelenting and scary discussions I was having within began to hit a brick wall: I have to loose these 15 pounds so I can wear my clothes and go on a date or two….. I TRUST; I have to keep up with my Disciple classwork… I TRUST;  I have to get these ten things done this week so I can keep moving myself forward already…. I TRUST;  I have to find a new job and pick a master’s program and figure what in the hell I am going to do with my life now or I’ll…. I TRUST.

By the end of the day those thoughts and many others couldn’t even really get started in my head - the mantra would automatically kick in and kick those unhealthy and unhelpful thoughts out.  I also noticed that my energy level had picked up and I was beginning to feel like myself again.  The next morning I awoke feeling a million times better.  It seems as though, at least for this time, a spiritual problem had, indeed, manifested into a physical problem.  I wasn’t physically sick, I had been spiritually sick and my creator led me to the source of the problem.  I need to trust.  I need to trust God, I need to trust myself and I need to trust others and the universe to have my back.  I did not have a physical ailment, I had a spiritual ailment - a trust issue.  I also have to learn to stop living out of my own power and start living out of God’s power.  I am still learning what this means, but for now I have the mantra “I TRUST” knocking out unhealthy thought patterns so I can breathe and enjoy life again.