“Life is a dance between making it happen and letting it happen” - Arianna Huffington
My higher power has been giving me two main phrases over and over and over again.
I had a real life exercise with this whole letting it be what it becomes when I attended Camp Mars in Malibu this past month. I really didn’t realize what I was getting myself into and while some of it was painful for me, I ended up having the time of my life.
To start things off, I had to let go of my plane leaving the gate late. I knew I had a tight connection in Denver and did not want to miss my flight or have a repeat of Christmas three years ago which had me running the length of the Denver airport with luggage in tow to make my connection. I also had to relinquish control over the fact that I have unstable blood sugar and really needed to get a meal before boarding my next plane. I had to just trust that everything was going to work out and it did. While I did make my connection, I was not afforded time to eat or even grab a snack. I was able to get a couple of glasses of orange juice to stabilize myself until I landed in Burbank. Once in Burbank, I made a bee line for the eateries and found one that matched my dietary restrictions. I soon realized that I had completely forgotten about my luggage and promptly walked over to find no luggage spinning on the tracks. I immediately looked around trying not to freak out and as I did so my eyes landed on what looked like my suitcase behind a set of closed doors. I went over and discovered that my luggage had been brought inside the Southwest office for safe keeping! YAY!
I got an Uber and he was the nicest driver who actually lives down the street from where I used to work in LA! We talked about all kinds of places and the growth going on in that part of the city. Fast Forward to landing at Camp Mars. I had been so worried about how I would get along with others. Would it be high school all over again where I didn’t fit in? Would I have people to hang out with? Would I have someone to eat meals with? I just didn’t know what to expect and my anxiety was at an all time high. Again, I kept hearing “ let it be what it becomes”. And so I did my best to do so. I immediately met another newbie who was staying in my same building. We hung out together the first night. That night I met my two roommates for the weekend. Both were well seasoned in all things Camp Mars because they had attended all of them. Both ladies were really sweet, around my age and we had tons in common. I immediately felt at home. It sounds crazy, but I was also worried about getting showers at night and being able to get a decent amount of sleep due to any sort of stress triggering a yet to be named digestive disorder. Everything worked out fine for the entire weekend, sleep and showers included!
Day two is where the rubber met the road in terms of letting it be what it becomes… I guess because last year’s camp had so many activities, I was a little disappointed to learn that a lot of those activities had not returned this year. I wasn’t sure how I would fill my time between meals. I would soon learn that a lot of that time would be taken up waiting in lines to do the few activities we did have and to get first dibs on the concert lawn for shows. I really didn’t like all of the waiting, but it was something my roommate said that helped me to look at it in a different way. She said this year is more low key and she kind of liked it in a way because it gave everyone time to get to know each other. I thought about this and by day 3 I was looking forward to the next line I would be sitting in (yes we got smart) and found that I really enjoyed starting up new conversations with whoever happened to be in line around me at the time. Sometimes it was familiar faces and sometimes it was brand new faces with new stories and new perspectives. By the end of the trip, I was happy that we didn’t have all of the activities that normally take place. I feel that if we had - I wouldn’t have gotten to know as many people.
The hard part was letting if be what it became throughout each day. I wanted to take control so bad and know what was happening next and this particular camp was done more on a “be here at this time for something with Jared” level. I am a Taurus. I like detailed itineraries and I like to know in advance what I need to do, have and be for whatever is happening. I had to fight that part of myself a lot at camp. And I even had to fight that part of myself on the rest of my trip. Plans kind of kept shifting with friends I had planned to see and I had to stay flexible and let the trip be whatever it became. And what it became was absolutely amazing. I said goodbye to all of my new friends at Camp Mars and ended up having a late lunch by the ocean in Malibu with an old friend. After lunch we went hiking on the coast. We have never been ones to stay on the trail and so we found ourselves carefully trudging down a sandy sea cliff to enjoy the views of the vast Pacific Ocean. We even got to see some dolphins and seals. I thought I was going to have to Uber all the way back to Burbank for dinner, but my friend ended up taking me since she was heading in that direction anyway. Later that night, I saw another old friend from LA and had an amazing dinner while catching up on life.
I was told before I left on my trip that I would get what I came for. One day in I thought that was absurd, because I had come for a hug and a drum circle with may favorite drummer - neither of which happened due to personal illness. It was when I was leaving that realized I had gotten what I came for - I learned first hand how to become the person I am on the trails. I’ve been chewing on this notion for over a year now - I hadn’t been able to grasp how to take who I am on the trails and translate it to everyday life. I now have a real life example to lead and guide me along my journey. I did indeed get what I came for - I learned how to lessen the death grip I have on life and ease the anxiety of most of my moments - I learned how to let it be what it becomes. And I am using this lesson right now to guide me through a season of change in terms of my career and possibly place of residence. Just like at camp, I want all of the answers right now, but as I have learned I just have to do my part and let it be what it becomes.
Self Love. Oh just those two words bring up volumes. Self Love is something that has been just out of reach for most of my life. It seems like every time I start to like and appreciate myself something happens to show how stupid I was to ever think that I had any worth or value at all. I guess self love is one of those things that goes along with that line about being like the fish - surrounded by the crashing waves, yet completely unbothered by it. To have self love, self worth and self acceptance - you just can’t let what other people think or your own preconceived notions of what other people think about you, take root in your soul. You have to be surrounded by the noise, but tuned into your own frequency.
Over the past couple of months I have finally begun to grasp some self love and like many ever important moments, it occurred in the midst of the most mundane. I was trying on some new dresses I had purchased online. When I put one of them on and looked in the mirror I just felt a warm glow surround me and I realized that this is who I am! This is me. I don’t like high heels or wearing cocktail dresses or 10 pounds of makeup. I don’t "do" my hair either. I’m an adventure gal. While I love dresses, I go more for the casual flair. I prefer comfort and utility to high style. I’d rather go on a hike or go crafting rather than the proverbial high end dinner date. I like to have experiences; not appearances. Another thought soon followed - why am I trying to fit into someone else’s world, when I should be looking for someone who wants to fit into mine? I always seem to go after friends and men who just want something different for their life. And I wonder why no one ever wants to do the things I want to do! I’ve decided that I just need to start doing what makes me happy and hopefully somewhere along the way I’ll find some friends who like those things and who knows maybe even a man too.
The hard part is being okay with doing things on your own for a while. Sometimes life doesn’t leave you any choices. You either sit back and watch life pass you by or you forge out on your own to have the experiences your soul craves. It can be hard having an experience you wish you could share, but that’s where gratitude comes into play. Gratitude says “you get to see this, do this and experience this - enjoy it! No Matter What!”
And this is where I am with Self Love - I know who I am and I am happy about it. I am also going to start doing some of the things I have wanted to do, but haven’t because I didn’t want to do them alone. Some of them small like renting kayaks at a local city park and paddling around the lake. Some of them are a little bigger like exploring a nearby state park. Some of them are really big and somewhat scary like traveling - I personally want to go explore up the northeast coast, the Great Lakes, Lake Tahoe and the Red Woods. I plan on tackling the small and medium sized ones this year and make plans to tackle one or two of the big ones next year.
I guess the best thing about starting to love and accept yourself is the sense of freedom and gratitude that begins to emanate from your soul. The things that used to bother you don’t and you don’t feel so lost anymore - at least I don’t. My situation isn’t great, being friendless in your current city of two yers isn’t fun, but if this is where I had to go to grasp self love - then it was worth it.
I had been feeling rundown for over a week. I was just exhausted. Everyday tasks seemed daunting… I felt overwhelmed by life and that overwhelming feeling had taken on a new form… oppression. I felt oppressed. I enjoyed nothing, had energy for nothing and only wanted my comfy mattress and warm covers. I wanted an escape, but I didn’t know what to escape to… I started praying… asking for help because I didn’t want to feel the way I felt anymore and I didn’t know how to fix myself. Then it hit me: spiritual problems manifest as physical problems. Then I heard “I TRUST”. I TRUST, I TRUST, I TRUST… It almost had a beat to it. Over and over and over in my mind I heard I TRUST. I allowed this to become a mantra for the rest of my day. I TRUST became a backdrop in my mind.
As I went through my day at work with the mantra on automatic repeat, I realized I had been putting a lot of pressure on myself as of late. I had gained weight and couldn’t fit into most of my pants so I wanted to loose the weight as quickly as possible. I was also contemplating going back to school and felt that I was in a now or never moment to change the trajectory of my life. I was desperately searching for my next right step in so many areas of my life and I didn’t have any true clarity… or did I? I realized over the course of the that day that I had been living out of my own power, instead of God’s power. This is why I felt so powerless. I was running on my own steam and my steam cannot sustain me. Something had to change. Again the mantra “I TRUST”. As I continued through my afternoon something interesting began to happen within my mind. Those unrelenting and scary discussions I was having within began to hit a brick wall: I have to loose these 15 pounds so I can wear my clothes and go on a date or two….. I TRUST; I have to keep up with my Disciple classwork… I TRUST; I have to get these ten things done this week so I can keep moving myself forward already…. I TRUST; I have to find a new job and pick a master’s program and figure what in the hell I am going to do with my life now or I’ll…. I TRUST.
By the end of the day those thoughts and many others couldn’t even really get started in my head - the mantra would automatically kick in and kick those unhealthy and unhelpful thoughts out. I also noticed that my energy level had picked up and I was beginning to feel like myself again. The next morning I awoke feeling a million times better. It seems as though, at least for this time, a spiritual problem had, indeed, manifested into a physical problem. I wasn’t physically sick, I had been spiritually sick and my creator led me to the source of the problem. I need to trust. I need to trust God, I need to trust myself and I need to trust others and the universe to have my back. I did not have a physical ailment, I had a spiritual ailment - a trust issue. I also have to learn to stop living out of my own power and start living out of God’s power. I am still learning what this means, but for now I have the mantra “I TRUST” knocking out unhealthy thought patterns so I can breathe and enjoy life again.