Something interesting has happened as a result of quarantine. I’ve gained weight, fifteen pounds to be exact. No, that’s not the interesting part. What is interesting is that I like myself. Anyone who has read any of my blog posts knows that I have struggled with body image and self worth for eons. I have always wanted to be as slender as possible and I have really pushed myself to make this happen - limiting food intake and type along with crazy exercise. I have also shared that I had trouble seeing myself as I really was and often did not realize all my bones were showing. Friends had to tell me these things and I would try and eat a little more to make the bones go away. I am in a totally different place today.
I have come to realize through this weight gain that perhaps there is a reason I have always struggled to be “thin”. I have a misplaced rib cage and I really think the reason I absolutely love how I look sans clothes right now is because the weight hides the somewhat protruding cage on my left side. It is really strange to hate the number on the scale, but love the reflection in the mirror. I guess I need not worry about the scale… Besides, I am still on the healthy side of those pesky charts…. Hanging on the edge, but those charts have been disagreed upon for as long as they have been in existence so why should I worry about them? As long as I’m in the ball park I think I am alright.
I really have been working on accepting myself and getting closer to my higher power through a sister religion that places more emphasis on how great and awesome God is and less emphasis on how much we humans miss the mark. I have been praying and meditating on these intentions and I hope that my liking what I see in the mirror is proof that my intentions are happening.
I am also trying to open myself up to opportunities of all kinds including those in the significant other department. Many know that I stopped dating years ago after several horrific things happened to me as a result of dating. I made myself a dating profile this morning. It was very painful, but I did it. While I am still terrified, I am also hopeful that making a couple of profiles and letting them exist in the world will help me slowly open up to the idea that I can have a great someone in my life. I also intend to get back into Meetups and Facebook Groups and other ways of meeting people in person. I have never liked the online dating scene and would much rather bump into someone on the street, but as I said before I am trying to be open to possibilities.
I have also been reconsidering what it is I think I am looking for in a man and/or partner. Looking through these dating profiles has taught me a few things in this department…. One being maybe there is a reason I have always been attracted to red flags. Not that I need one, but a reformed/mellowed red flag who finally wants to have a real partner in his life to explore, play and enjoy this world with doesn’t sound all that bad at this stage of the game. After all, I have entered the 40 decade and having someone unencumbered and free to play sounds better than someone who has a lot of strings inhibiting what they can do and where they can go. Previously, I was desperate to find someone with kids and a house that I could just drop into… Now I am not so sure that is the best way to go…
I feel good about life right now, which is new for me. I feel good about all of the possibilities and I just have to make sure I keep myself open to what and who might come my way. I am (hopefully) on the brink of obtaining a new career position and with it might come a whole new life. I mean even if I stay in Memphis things will change, but I have some pots boiling on the East and West coasts and I am really hoping one of them ruptures at the right price, ya know. If not, I will stay in limbo and get another for-the-moment job, but then I am reminded isn’t all for-the-moment?
PS - I think I am going to change my blog back to its original form…. Me and my thoughts as I navigate life.
I don’t usually know what the new year has in store for me, but this year is a little different. I know change looms in the distance. I cannot continue in my current circumstances. It is impossible. I also know I might be looking at several changes this year, the timing of which are unknown to me. It’s not the change that has me anxious, it is the unknown aspect of it all. Will I like it? Will it be another ‘try to make the best of a crappy situation’ scenario? Will it bring me to a new city and if so, will I like it and the city or just one of the two? All I know is that if the change doesn’t come, I really will lose everything so the change MUST come!!!
My resolutions look different this year too! My list is more abstract than concrete. During the year of quarantine I have been doing a lot of reading. I’ve been really working on fixing some parts of myself that need fixing. I’ve also been learning more about my God from a different perspective. If you’ve read anything I’ve written, you know I am technically Christian and 100% spiritual and I’ve been diving into a sister religion this past year. It’s not the first time either. But this is a much more in-depth exploration that I’ve ever done in the past. And that’s what I am calling it, an exploration. I know a lot about God, the Son, and probably too much about the humans around Him. Who I don’t know is God, the Father, and that’s who I am getting to know and I am loving what I am learning.
As for my resolutions, it would be easy to say that it all really depends on how this year plays out, on what God graces me with in terms of employment and what not, but that’s not really true. As I sit here looking over my list, I can see how I can still work on each one regardless of whether I get saved from complete devastation or if I get swept into the trash to be chomped or burned. Maybe that’s not the right analogy, but it is how I am feeling this New Year’s Eve.
First and foremost, I want to really start combating my initial response to everything which is self-sabotage. I’m definitely one to run when I shouldn’t and I absolutely love talking myself out of everything and I am really creative when it comes to finding ways to make myself an outsider. I could seriously write a best-seller on how to make everything fall to pieces every single time. I should have played baseball because I can bat any opportunity that comes my way out of the park. And I’m good at batting people out too. These are just some of the things I need to stop doing. Maybe I will call this an exploration too! Instead of using my handy vocabulary of “No”, “I don’t want to”, and “I don’t like it”, I will start using words like “yes”, “okay” or “it’s not my thing, but I’ll give it a try”.
Second, I really want to get back to more of who I was before I quit drinking eight years ago. I want to CDE as I call it - Create, Design, Explore. I need more of that in my life and it doesn’t have to necessarily be in the way that I perceive it either. I just need that energy back in my life. I had all of these ideas that I never moved on and they are all still good ideas so maybe this year I can at least move toward that energy since a lot of it is dependent on my financial status.
And last, but not least, my finances are my final resolution for 2021. I really need to dig myself out of a rather large hole that is getting bigger and bigger as each day passes. Yes, a fair amount of this resolution is dependent on my next job, however, there are some things I can do on my end to at least keep the hole from getting any bigger and I am prepared to do those things. I’ve actually been mentally preparing for a month.
So here’s to a happy, healthy and rewarding year ahead. May what we write on paper become our new reality. Much love and light and laughter to you and yours!
Oh my, it’s been a minute! 2020 has been both good and bad to me. How about you? On the good side, my entire family has been able to remain COVID free. On the bad side, I have been unemployed for over a year at this point. I am working for a big box retailer doing online order fulfillment making like 20% of what I did make. Ouch! I don’t really have enough to spread around, but I am trying. Another plus that is also a minus is my holiday 6 days a week and can you always stay much later than scheduled schedule. I like what I am doing in that the hours fly by because I am so busy, but my body is taking a beating. Being on my feet and walking and stooping and lifting and all for 8+ hours a day is absolutely brutal. I had just started a workout and eating program to try and loose the weight I have gained too! I can only try to eat right at this point because my body can’t do much beyond stretching and resting. And so this extra weight isn’t going anywhere just like my debt. I’m trying not to let my circumstances get to me, but it is difficult. I am beyond scared for myself and my future and my ability to take care of future me, which is non-existent right now. I have always joked about not having a funeral and just plunging off a cliff into the sea to become fish food… Perhaps I should not have joked about this… it might be my future. In the same way I should have never joked about my tanning bed being my bright, sunny coffin - that’s how melanoma came into my life.
Anywho, I don’t want to be too down because there are some good things coming out of what I am going through. And I am learning how to make the most of what is right now. Like something simple I could have done months ago was flip my schedule. I have always been a yoga in the morning and a workout at night kinda girl. But I have flipped my schedule and am trying to do pilates or simple weight training in the morning and stretching out my body at night with recovery yoga. IDK. Sometimes intellectuals have the biggest problems with the most simplest things.
I have also finally relented and am taking something to help with my EXTREME temper. One day I came home from this job I have ready to kill everyone. I was crying every morning and crying at work and crying when I drove home. The stress was palpable. I’ve been told many times in my life that I care too much in the wrong way. I’ve never really been able to understand, but one night driving home it clicked. I know that many people in recovery take prescription or herbal medications to help take the edge off or help with that part of them that cannot deal with reality. Anyone who has read my blog all the way back knows that I have major PTSD type symptoms from a prescription drug that gave me a psychotic break and so I don’t like prescription drugs or medicine in general. I just kept thinking that at some point I would get enough healing or growth and be “okay” like other people. Eight years into sobriety I was pushed past my edge and relented. I obviously don’t have insurance right now (another issue because I have something I need to see a doctor for and I can’t so prayers - PLEASE) and so I went to Sprouts and looked in the emotional well being isle and just prayed that I would pick the right one. I ended up with a Stress Response bottle from Gaia Herbs and it has changed my life. I have no idea how it works or what it is doing other than the fact that I am me - only better. Stuff doesn’t bother me anymore. Heck, I can even go to the grocery store and run ten errands after work if I need to and I am not bothered by it at all. (I have previously mentioned my sincere hatred for grocery stores and pharmacies). I am me, but calm. Apparently I have an over-reactive stress response to basically anything that is required of me. IDK. Perhaps that’s why I’m an addict. I don’t know. But I am hopeful that this herbal supplement will continue to work for me because it is doing what I cannot do for myself. It also lets me know that it wasn’t me and no amount of will power would have ever changed me - it’s a chemical and/or biological response that I cannot control on my own. If it weren’t for this whole crazy 2020 situation I am in - I don’t know that I would have figured this out. And that is priceless!
I am also working on being really grateful right now in all things. One night at work, I helped a disabled man out of the store. I found out he also works in retail for a different big box retailer. He actually does some of the same things I do just a at a much slower pace. He is so grateful to this retailer (Kohls) for giving him this job and allowing him to do it in his best way. It made me think that I should be grateful for my job too. After all, as much trouble as I am having physically and financially he is doing a similar job with a physical handicap that probably makes it even harder on him and he is grateful and I am not. God really slapped me in the face with that one. God gets you like that sometimes.
A rabbi recently spoke on Jacob and how he always tried to put conditions on his good deeds. Like if he was trying to barter with God to get what he wanted by saying if You do blank ,then I will do blank for the rest of my life or the rest of this year, etc. The rabbi mentioned how disgraceful this was and how Jacob should not really be a hero at all other than the fact that we slowly see him change and grow through all of his mistakes and wrong choices. You can’t please God my bartering with him and you can’t please God doing good deeds because you are trying to get a certain outcome. The only way to please God is to do what is right because it is the right thing to do. End of story. No questions.
And so I am trying to be grateful in all things and I am trying to do what is right in my encounters with my fellow humans for the sake of doing what is right and nothing more. Especially, now that I am not a raging lunatic ;-) Besides, doing good deeds to try and get a certain outcome only makes you bitter and resentful. It’s a trap I have found myself in too many times. And so I guess that is another vicious cycle I am being freed from in crazy 2020. My hope is that I can keep these lessons with me as I continue to adjust to my circumstances whatever they may be in the future.
How about you? How as 2020 kicked you butt? How has it blessed you beyond measure?
Everyone is up in arms about the latest African American to become a victim of police brutality - George Floyd. Violent protests are commencing in many of America’s major cities. Unfortunately, the toll of these protests might not be felt at the white house or by the police who were involved; instead, the toll will be taken on innocent members of the community who are losing their livelihoods, neighborhood stores where they buy necessities and some are even losing their life. The toll will also be felt among innocent officers who do not use the tactics depicted in Minneapolis. The toll will be felt across America as tensions among races escalate and while tensions between police and civilians continue to create an us versus them mentality. There is no winner in this environment.
It seems like this is about race, but it really isn’t. Racism is a symptom of a much greater and deeper rooted evil in our society. The hard truth is we don’t respect ourselves, we don’t respect each other, we don’t respect the animals and we don’t respect the planet. You cannot respect life and create violence at the same time. A society that respects all forms of life has no violence.
The problem is that we think there is a difference between a human and an animal, between a white man and a black man, between a man and a woman. And yes, on the surface, there are some key differences that we allow to become our focus. What we should be focusing on, where respect for all life lies is in our sameness. We all have a spirit inside of us and that spirit does not age. Ask anyone who is in their elder years and they will tell you that while their body feels old, their spirit still feels like a little kid. It’s a weird phenomenon, but it points to an eternal truth. We each came to this planet, but before we could “arrive” we had to be given an earthly body. I liken the differences of our bodies to the differences one might find driving down a street looking at homes. There are blue ones and green ones and red ones and white ones and yellow ones and even purple ones. Some of the houses are short and slender while others are compact and tall. Some are dirty and others are pristine. Some have protrusions while others have a smooth surface. While all of the houses on this street are different on the outside, they are all the same on the inside in that they provide shelter for people and some animals. The outside doesn’t really have anything to do with the inside.
We are the same. We all have an earthly body or as I like to call it a “carcass” because that is what it is - it’s a temporary home for the spirit that inhabits this body while on planet earth. It is nothing more. And just like the homes, there are brown bodies, black bodies, beige bodies, red bodies and white bodies. And each body has a spirit living inside of it while it is on this planet. It is the same with the animals too. All bodies are temporary homes for life on earth. The outside doesn’t mean anything - we just want it to and thus we begin to create divides that aren’t really there at all.
The only answer to prejudice in any form is to acknowledge that we really are all the same and thereby start respecting each other. No, you aren’t going to love everyone and there are going to be people who get on your nerves or who you just don’t like for one reason or another, but you can still respect the being inside them. The one you might know and spend time with long after this earthly body turns to dust. You don’t have to like someone to respect them.
This lack of respect keeps cycling through our planet, generation after generation. Slavery in all of its forms, genocide, the Holocaust, civil wars, gang violence, political upheaval, racism, religious wars, deadly road rage, mass shootings, etc… all of these horrific events boil down to a lack of respect for others you deem different from yourself. The awful truth is - it is a lie. There is no difference. We are all the same. To rip it out at the root we must bring respect back into society. If we don’t… we will bully, torture and murder until the earth blows up. What kind of world do you want? It really is up to you.
Everything is temporary if you give it enough time - Jewel
This strangely gives me comfort. No, I’m not afraid of commitment - it’s just that I am a Taurus and I tend to assume that this is it forever every time I hitch my cart to anything. Probably because I want so badly to hitch my cart to something and someone I actually want and anything outside of that is putting what I want another couple of years away or so I think.
I have an opportunity to step into a management position with the retail store I have been working at part-time. On the one hand it is the exact opposite of what I want: weird hours, no weekends, no holiday time off and all that standing - ugh. It’s also in Memphis - that place I don’t want to be. I mean I refuse to ever buy any property here and I feel that as long as I am here I will have zero friends and no man! I know I supposed to be giving up on that man part per my previous post, but while I am not actively seeking I am also very open to the right person showing up in my life.. ya know? Any who, I want to go north. My winter skin came back and it is not leaving. Northwest or Northeast and on a coast! I miss the ocean. Even though I only went at sunset or at night - I still love and need that big beautiful body of water. I want rolling hills or mountain tops and tall trees to give me shade. I want ALL of the seasons and a cooler climate. Memphis is flat, dangerous and only has two seasons. I live out on the outskirts and have not had much luck in making friends here. The ones I do make leave soon after and are usually from out west or up north and that is where they return.
Okay so getting back to the opportunity… On the other hand, this position would take the financial pressure off of me and allow me to knock my debt back down and take care of any medical needs as needed. This position would also look good on my resume since it would be a management position that deals with HR, Finance, some Operations and the sales floor. It just means staying put. Staying in Memphis and slamming the door on well…. Everything I ever wanted - not that I would get it, but staying put sorta makes it a 100% NO in my feeble little mind.
I don’t know. I think the no marriage and no kids thing is really starting to weigh on my soul. It has been made clear to me by others that I constantly try to invent “traditions”. And I am reminded over and over again that just because I do something and I like it and its a holiday - doesn’t mean it becomes a tradition. I apparently try to rope friends and family members into my so called traditions and they really wish I would go find someone to do “my traditions” with and leave them out of it. I have to say it is kinda true. I have held a tradition of seeing the play A Christmas Carol every Christmas season and no matter where I am I always rope someone into seeing it with me and then I make them go to dinner after and listen to me talk about how great it was and what the story means to me that year. My family went to the beach over a couple of Thanksgivings and I tried to make that a tradition. I was like this is awesome and its our new Thanksgiving tradition and they all yelled in unison back - No! It’s Not! Leave us alone, Jessica!
I digressed again. This is what happens whenever I am faced with any sort of decision. I don’t know why I make everything into an end all be all type of situation when I am the Queen of Departure. I guess my age is throwing a wrench in everything right now. I suddenly feel as if I have to absolutely get it right or it’s all over for me.
In the book I am reading, The Power of Now, it talks about surrendering to what is and not allowing any resentments or irritations to crop up. If you can’t shake the irritant, then allow it to pass through you. Well the past few days I have been allowing a giant irritant to pass. I don’t know I can’t just snap my fingers and surrender. I have to treat it like “Lady Time” in that I understand that I am going to feel like death and be depressed for about three days and then I’ll be better. I find myself doing the same with irritants. I cannot just surrender to them. I have to allow them to pass through me understanding that I am going to feel sick and depressed for a while, but it will eventually pass. I am trying to do that with this job opportunity. I am willing myself to see it as a possible answer for me right now. I have been doing a visualization that I learned from an Abundance Challenge from Deepak Chopra. You imagine yourself sitting on a beach and you have a pen, a piece of paper and a bottle with you. You write down your main intentions on the piece of paper, roll it up and stick it in the bottle and cap it. You watch yourself stand up and hurl the bottle and your intentions into the vast ocean of possibility knowing that the Universe (and God) will do the delivering. I guess it is a manifesting technique. I have been doing this with my top three intentions: Right job for me right now; meet, befriend and marry my life partner; write and create from home and be very successful at it.
I am trying to understand that this opportunity might be the right job for me right now. It might be what I am supposed to do. It’s not like it is easy to get a job across the country right now or get a work from home job right now or get any job right now. Maybe this is my next right move. I was just really hoping to relocate and get back into higher education which has great hours, great time off (especially around the holidays) and is typically a great long term place for women. Of course, the higher education industry has been hit extra hard by COVID-19 and most universities are on hiring freezes for anything except absolutely necessary positions. So maybe this is the next right move for me right now. Maybe this leads somewhere I cannot see… maybe this is a stepping stone and not a rock to be kicked out of the way. It is out of left field that they are even thinking of me for the position. I will have quite a learning curve ahead of me. And I mean if I keep saying I need to get my hand off the steering wheel aren’t I supposed to let go and let God and the Universe steer? Right now I am in the let’s just allow it to pass through me stage which means a lot of crying about not moving, not getting my own place, not getting a dog and not getting anything else I desperately want. I am allowing myself to feel these things understanding that I don’t actually know anything. I have judgements, not facts, and so I let go of the wheel and say yes to what is.
A slight understatement, perhaps… I think I stopped trying to save myself for about a month because what’s the point? I can only accept a work-at-home position unless I relocate and nobody is offering that up right now! The only positions I do get calls for are in office. What am I supposed to do with that? Risk killing my relative for a pay check? Even if I did do that, my relative would put me on the street. And so I stopped trying for a while.
What I did do is focus on the internal. I am doing a very in-depth study of the New Testament that actually aligned quite well with the Easter holiday. I am also reading The Power of Now, a book I’ve heard of several times from several different people. The latest time involved an apparently well-known male lead actor discussing this book and this “Shhh…” he gives himself when his nerves, anxiety or depression spring up out of nowhere. I don’t really recall how I came across the video, but it left me thinking. I don’t do Mr. Evans “Shhh…” for me it’s a moment of silence followed by “anything can happen”. I don’t know something he said turned a light on in my head and so I bought the book by Eckhart Tolle and am in awe of how much it is hitting me between the eyes. I feel like this book might hold the key to the actual uprooting of some strongholds that I have tried to rip out for the past seven years and while I have made progress, I have also been unsuccessful. I can’t fathom anyone not loving this book, but it is apparently a love it or hate it book so if it’s not your thing - have no fear - the rest of this post moves on to the other things I am doing.
My soul is in a cleansing mode. And I’m not just talking about some spring cleaning although I am hard at work at that too. I have been going through everything I own: clothes, books, jewelry, journals, pictures, notes, makeup, perfume… if it exists and I have it - I am going through it and getting rid of a lot. My soul is craving simplicity. Heck, I don’t even know if I will ever wear makeup again. Ok, so maybe some primer and a light skin tint for that SPF, but not much else. You know why? Because not wearing makeup for the last few months has made me aware that I don’t look so bad without it. I guess I only saw myself for a few minutes each day without it and since it can be quite a contrast between made up and fresh faced for this porcelain queen I always thought I really needed the makeup. Like I couldn’t appreciate myself without it until I got used to seeing the real me on a daily basis.
I am also letting go of some deep seated desires due to the introspective realization that some of the things I want so badly to enter my life probably cannot. I didn’t realize what all had been stripped from me all those years ago and what continued to be stripped from me every time a new assault occurred. I didn’t understand. Of course, I was always drunk and that doesn’t tend to ever help any situation. I used to laugh it off when people wondered why I was never dating. I would always tell them I’m like Edina - all I need is my bottle and I’m good. I didn’t realize that my life was passing me by. I didn’t realize that I was losing precious years and opportunities to alcohol and that thing that happened and continued to happen in different situations and forms through out my life. I didn’t get it until I was over half way through my 39th year in a forced isolation and introspection. I don’t know how to be with a man. And I don’t know that I ever will. Mentally, emotionally & physically. I’ve never been consensual with anyone and that’s just a damn weird conversation to have with someone at my age. Now if only my sex drive would disappear. Oh, but no… it’s in full swing making me crazy.
But with the eventual letting go - new things will begin to emerge. I know this to be true. And there’s a lot of letting go going on right now. While I am back to trying to find a job, it might be too late for that too. By too late, I mean I don’t know if I will be able to keep my car. I worked so hard to get it, but it might be gone soon bringing even bigger problems into focus. I also might default on everything. I might be going back down to the bottom. It wasn’t so bad being there when I was drunk - it’s being there sober that has me worried. I don’t know if I can handle that. I’m really hoping I don’t have to find out. But let’s be honest, my rope, I’m at the end of it and I am going to have to let go. Maybe therein lies the lesson.
Please don’t think I’m distraught or upset even. I am not. I am at peace. Not particularly happy, but I am at peace with whatever unfolds. Either I get saved for the umpteenth time or I don’t. You can’t press your luck forever, right? Even if you are Scots-Irish and whatever else I am? Besides, the things I am learning during this non-working period feel kind of priceless. I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be and it’s the strangest feeling ever.
“No matter how many scars we carry from what we have gone through and suffered in the past, our intrinsic wholeness is still here: what else contains the scars? None of us has to be a helpless victim of what was done to us or what was not done for us in the past, nor do we have to be helpless in the face of what we may be suffering now. We are also what was present before the scarring—our original wholeness, what was born whole. And we can reconnect with that intrinsic wholeness at any time, because its very nature is that it is always present. It is who we truly are.”
Several years ago I set out on what would become a spiritual journey. Throughout this journey I was practically guided. I knew when it was time to leave and journey on to the next destination and I knew the identity of the next destination. It was like God was holding me by the hand and saying “now go here”. While I didn’t always know the why - I always soon found the why. Then a couple of years ago I got plopped back at my starting point and the guidance disappeared.
Fast forward to today. I still have no clue what is supposed to be next. I don’t know if I am supposed to stay or go. I don’t know which direction to look for career, love, friendship or anything else. I couldn’t even title this post. I am beyond lost.
Over the past two years I have made friends only to loose them to other cities. I have found jobs only to loose them to lay offs for various reasons. I have tried hard to find community here, but I always come up short. I am a roaming bull - otherwise known as a Taurus with some traits from my chatty neighbor the Gemini. I don’t exactly make friends easily and I have a double dose of independence, but I do NEED community.
I am confused. I have been in a fall apart circle since I left Florida. Things fell apart there. I didn’t have a pull to come back to Tennessee, but I didn't really have a choice either (that I know of). Since I came home, things have just continuously fallen apart in every area of my life over and over again. It really is a problem when you are trying to love and trust yourself! I mean I’m not giving myself much reason am I?
I just don’t know why the guidance stopped. Am I at the end of that particular spiritual journey? Did I learn all I needed to learn? If so, why don’t I know what to do now?
A part of me feels that the journey was great and awesome, but also too late. I worked really hard over the past eight years to learn to love and accept myself and be able to see myself as I really am - something I couldn’t do before. I worked hard. I got sober. I went through a couple of programs specifically designed for women with my issues. And I actually got the spiritual healing I was seeking. I can see myself as I actually am - I no longer live in a fun house with crazy mirrors that warp my appearance. I love myself, accept myself and feel that I am ready to enter into a healthy relationship for the first time in my almost 40 years on this planet.
But I find myself in a void. Nothing is working out. And worst of all, I have no guidance, no promptings, nothing pulling on my soul to indicate the next step and every step I have taken has appeared to be the wrong step.
Why take me though all of the spiritual healing if only to leave me alone and forsaken? That’s how I feel right now. Very alone and Very forsaken.
I could have played my cards differently in my current situation, but I still wouldn’t really know where to go or what to do.
I do think my turning 40 in a couple of months is also playing into a lot of this. I always thought I’d find something I love and I’d do it for a living. I always thought I would come across a man to marry and have kids with. I always thought everything was just going to work out. But it hasn’t.
I guess the one thing I can take comfort in is that I am living out my worst case scenario. I mean if you can live your worst case scenario - then nothing can really get you can it? I mean if you are already in free fall does it really matter where you land?
I feel like I’ve been unemployed more than I’ve been employed. I have stayed sober for 7.5 years and I am still sober today. Living my worst nightmare like a champ! That’s something.
And I know what I have to do. I have to put myself at the mercy of the universe once again and take whatever lackluster, crapshoot of a job I can and I am going to have to stay in that job, wherever that job is and deal with it for a while because I and my resume need some stability. And a dog.
I don’t know if the healing was too late for what I wanted out of life, but I do know that if it was - then it will lead me to a place of surrender and acceptance and most likely on a farm somewhere with 100 dogs or a Mars Commune - if that were ever an option. (not the planet, the band #echelon)
I am hopeful for many explorations ahead. I love to explore and try new places and new things. And who knows - maybe this void will empty me into a whole new level of being and I will find my way again.
I am sitting on the floor in my room with my MacBook in my lap with a hot cup of water beside me. It is Tuesday, December 31st of 2019. My festivities for the night include writing out some new year resolutions to guide me in 2020 and to veg out in front of the television for the rest of the evening. Tomorrow, January 1 of 2020, I will be attending a First Day Hike - something state parks around the country do ever New Year’s Day. This hike includes some presentations on birds of prey as well as a chance to get a picture with an owl! Since the owl is one of my power animals - I am stoked! I am starting off the New Year on a trail with some friends and an owl! Sounds about right for me. What about you? How are you starting off 2020?
I found my resolutions from last year and looked them over. I, apparently, wanted to be more service minded and find another good service position. I do recall starting off last year with an AA chair commitment that ended up lasting two months. I also recall having a meeting with someone at my church to try to find some service opportunities within the church. Aside from assisting in service every once in a while - that meeting fell flat along with any attempts at being of service to anyone except myself. Funny thing is I have recently come to know a few people who have the best presence or energy ever. The kind of people that just lift you up whether you want to be lifted up or not! I was just speaking with my Higher Power about how I’d love to be one of those people, but I have no idea how to get there! I’m thinking last year’s resolution is coming back in a slightly different form for 2020.
Another thing I lost sight of was my debt. I did have it all paid off at one time. Then things went sideways. In all actuality, I lost myself in the day to day. I forgot about my plan and I forgot about what I ultimately wanted. Execution has always been an issue for me, but these days it is killing me. Two and a half years ago, when I moved home - I did so with the intention of getting a job that could propel me forward while I paid off my debt, saved up money and would then jump back out into this crazy world - preferably somewhere on the west coast. What had happened was…. Propeller Job combusted and I got laid off and so I found another job (not a propeller job, but was decent money) and then that combusted and I found myself laid off again. While working the second job I was bored out of my mind and I found myself spending money like it was growing on a tree in my back yard. To be fair to myself, I have to admit that half of my debt was from medical bills for two separate, but costly medical issues but still - I spent a lot of cash. My main takeaway is that I let circumstances dictate my reality and interrupt my plan. In other words, instead of swerving, I got on a totally different interstate and I drove in the wrong direction! My second lay off in a row comes at a time when I have a lot of debt, which means the salary has to be that much higher for me to relocate. And relocate I probably could have - if I didn’t have this debt! Out of all of the jobs I have applied to - only a couple of opportunities have come up in or near my current city. All of the rest of the opportunities have come from the west coast, which is where I intended on going mind you! I should have never let the circumstances change my plan! I had three ops in California and seven in the PNW. Oh it stings! I’d love to live there - the cooler weather, the hiking, the beauty right outside your door. Ugh. I don’t know what happened… I kinda gave up I think. I don’t have friends here so I am very lonely and that loneliness is translating to depression. I have my family and I love having my family, but I need more than that to be happy.
One thing I did do that was on my list was plan a trip - an actual vacation. It’s been a long time since I could have any sort of vacation since I keep having to start over - over and over and over again. This last lay off was my 4th. I had wanted to go on a yoga retreat, an excursion and see my favorite band if they were in the US this year. I kind of combined it all into one short vacation to Los Angeles. I went to Camp Mars and saw my dudes, well, one of them and I made new friends and I got to see some old friends from LA. I went to the beach, did a beach cliff hike and enjoyed a yummy dinner. It was sweet and nostalgic. I used to drive the 101 from Encino to Agoura Hills every day. There’s just something about LA. Maybe it is who I was when I was there. I felt empowered, I had great friends, a great spiritual home (Mosaic) and adventures in the mountains or on the sea every weekend. Maybe it’s not that LA is magical.. Maybe I was magical while I was there. Maybe that is what I need to get back into my life - the magic of being alive! If I am going to be staying put for a while - which it looks like I am - maybe I need to do whatever it takes to find my people and create some magic in this town. I mean I did like living here at one point.. .Maybe I can like it again.
Okay so that was my wrap up for 2019. Now looking forward into 2020 and what do I want to see? Well, I know Mars is out of the question this year so maybe a yoga retreat? I also want to go see the Redwoods and maybe Lake Tahoe. I’ve spoken with a friend who lives in central California about a possible girls trip. Once I have a new job, I will reach back out to her and see if we can plan something. As for the yoga retreat - I know of one I want to go on - I will just have to see what the job brings in terms of leave benefits and what all I get during my unending first year. On a personal level, I do want to be better about being intentional with my interactions. I want so badly to be one of those people who has that unmistakable and contagious energy. That, I will have to leave up to Jesus - I can’t even fathom how to get there from where I am right now.
So in more clear terms my resolutions/goals for 2020 are below:
“Life is a dance between making it happen and letting it happen” - Arianna Huffington
My higher power has been giving me two main phrases over and over and over again.
I had a real life exercise with this whole letting it be what it becomes when I attended Camp Mars in Malibu this past month. I really didn’t realize what I was getting myself into and while some of it was painful for me, I ended up having the time of my life.
To start things off, I had to let go of my plane leaving the gate late. I knew I had a tight connection in Denver and did not want to miss my flight or have a repeat of Christmas three years ago which had me running the length of the Denver airport with luggage in tow to make my connection. I also had to relinquish control over the fact that I have unstable blood sugar and really needed to get a meal before boarding my next plane. I had to just trust that everything was going to work out and it did. While I did make my connection, I was not afforded time to eat or even grab a snack. I was able to get a couple of glasses of orange juice to stabilize myself until I landed in Burbank. Once in Burbank, I made a bee line for the eateries and found one that matched my dietary restrictions. I soon realized that I had completely forgotten about my luggage and promptly walked over to find no luggage spinning on the tracks. I immediately looked around trying not to freak out and as I did so my eyes landed on what looked like my suitcase behind a set of closed doors. I went over and discovered that my luggage had been brought inside the Southwest office for safe keeping! YAY!
I got an Uber and he was the nicest driver who actually lives down the street from where I used to work in LA! We talked about all kinds of places and the growth going on in that part of the city. Fast Forward to landing at Camp Mars. I had been so worried about how I would get along with others. Would it be high school all over again where I didn’t fit in? Would I have people to hang out with? Would I have someone to eat meals with? I just didn’t know what to expect and my anxiety was at an all time high. Again, I kept hearing “ let it be what it becomes”. And so I did my best to do so. I immediately met another newbie who was staying in my same building. We hung out together the first night. That night I met my two roommates for the weekend. Both were well seasoned in all things Camp Mars because they had attended all of them. Both ladies were really sweet, around my age and we had tons in common. I immediately felt at home. It sounds crazy, but I was also worried about getting showers at night and being able to get a decent amount of sleep due to any sort of stress triggering a yet to be named digestive disorder. Everything worked out fine for the entire weekend, sleep and showers included!
Day two is where the rubber met the road in terms of letting it be what it becomes… I guess because last year’s camp had so many activities, I was a little disappointed to learn that a lot of those activities had not returned this year. I wasn’t sure how I would fill my time between meals. I would soon learn that a lot of that time would be taken up waiting in lines to do the few activities we did have and to get first dibs on the concert lawn for shows. I really didn’t like all of the waiting, but it was something my roommate said that helped me to look at it in a different way. She said this year is more low key and she kind of liked it in a way because it gave everyone time to get to know each other. I thought about this and by day 3 I was looking forward to the next line I would be sitting in (yes we got smart) and found that I really enjoyed starting up new conversations with whoever happened to be in line around me at the time. Sometimes it was familiar faces and sometimes it was brand new faces with new stories and new perspectives. By the end of the trip, I was happy that we didn’t have all of the activities that normally take place. I feel that if we had - I wouldn’t have gotten to know as many people.
The hard part was letting if be what it became throughout each day. I wanted to take control so bad and know what was happening next and this particular camp was done more on a “be here at this time for something with Jared” level. I am a Taurus. I like detailed itineraries and I like to know in advance what I need to do, have and be for whatever is happening. I had to fight that part of myself a lot at camp. And I even had to fight that part of myself on the rest of my trip. Plans kind of kept shifting with friends I had planned to see and I had to stay flexible and let the trip be whatever it became. And what it became was absolutely amazing. I said goodbye to all of my new friends at Camp Mars and ended up having a late lunch by the ocean in Malibu with an old friend. After lunch we went hiking on the coast. We have never been ones to stay on the trail and so we found ourselves carefully trudging down a sandy sea cliff to enjoy the views of the vast Pacific Ocean. We even got to see some dolphins and seals. I thought I was going to have to Uber all the way back to Burbank for dinner, but my friend ended up taking me since she was heading in that direction anyway. Later that night, I saw another old friend from LA and had an amazing dinner while catching up on life.
I was told before I left on my trip that I would get what I came for. One day in I thought that was absurd, because I had come for a hug and a drum circle with may favorite drummer - neither of which happened due to personal illness. It was when I was leaving that realized I had gotten what I came for - I learned first hand how to become the person I am on the trails. I’ve been chewing on this notion for over a year now - I hadn’t been able to grasp how to take who I am on the trails and translate it to everyday life. I now have a real life example to lead and guide me along my journey. I did indeed get what I came for - I learned how to lessen the death grip I have on life and ease the anxiety of most of my moments - I learned how to let it be what it becomes. And I am using this lesson right now to guide me through a season of change in terms of my career and possibly place of residence. Just like at camp, I want all of the answers right now, but as I have learned I just have to do my part and let it be what it becomes.
Self Love. Oh just those two words bring up volumes. Self Love is something that has been just out of reach for most of my life. It seems like every time I start to like and appreciate myself something happens to show how stupid I was to ever think that I had any worth or value at all. I guess self love is one of those things that goes along with that line about being like the fish - surrounded by the crashing waves, yet completely unbothered by it. To have self love, self worth and self acceptance - you just can’t let what other people think or your own preconceived notions of what other people think about you, take root in your soul. You have to be surrounded by the noise, but tuned into your own frequency.
Over the past couple of months I have finally begun to grasp some self love and like many ever important moments, it occurred in the midst of the most mundane. I was trying on some new dresses I had purchased online. When I put one of them on and looked in the mirror I just felt a warm glow surround me and I realized that this is who I am! This is me. I don’t like high heels or wearing cocktail dresses or 10 pounds of makeup. I don’t "do" my hair either. I’m an adventure gal. While I love dresses, I go more for the casual flair. I prefer comfort and utility to high style. I’d rather go on a hike or go crafting rather than the proverbial high end dinner date. I like to have experiences; not appearances. Another thought soon followed - why am I trying to fit into someone else’s world, when I should be looking for someone who wants to fit into mine? I always seem to go after friends and men who just want something different for their life. And I wonder why no one ever wants to do the things I want to do! I’ve decided that I just need to start doing what makes me happy and hopefully somewhere along the way I’ll find some friends who like those things and who knows maybe even a man too.
The hard part is being okay with doing things on your own for a while. Sometimes life doesn’t leave you any choices. You either sit back and watch life pass you by or you forge out on your own to have the experiences your soul craves. It can be hard having an experience you wish you could share, but that’s where gratitude comes into play. Gratitude says “you get to see this, do this and experience this - enjoy it! No Matter What!”
And this is where I am with Self Love - I know who I am and I am happy about it. I am also going to start doing some of the things I have wanted to do, but haven’t because I didn’t want to do them alone. Some of them small like renting kayaks at a local city park and paddling around the lake. Some of them are a little bigger like exploring a nearby state park. Some of them are really big and somewhat scary like traveling - I personally want to go explore up the northeast coast, the Great Lakes, Lake Tahoe and the Red Woods. I plan on tackling the small and medium sized ones this year and make plans to tackle one or two of the big ones next year.
I guess the best thing about starting to love and accept yourself is the sense of freedom and gratitude that begins to emanate from your soul. The things that used to bother you don’t and you don’t feel so lost anymore - at least I don’t. My situation isn’t great, being friendless in your current city of two yers isn’t fun, but if this is where I had to go to grasp self love - then it was worth it.