I’m so confused I can’t even title this.

Several years ago I set out on what would become a spiritual journey.  Throughout this journey I was practically guided.  I knew when it was time to leave and journey on to the next destination and I knew the identity of the next destination.  It was like God was holding me by the hand and saying “now go here”.  While I didn’t always know the why - I always soon found the why.  Then a couple of years ago I got plopped back at my starting point and the guidance disappeared.

Fast forward to today.  I still have no clue what is supposed to be next.  I don’t know if I am supposed to stay or go.  I don’t know which direction to look for career, love, friendship or anything else.  I couldn’t even title this post.  I am beyond lost.

Over the past two years I have made friends only to loose them to other cities.  I have found jobs only to loose them to lay offs for various reasons.  I have tried hard to find community here, but I always come up short.  I am a roaming bull - otherwise known as a Taurus with some traits from my chatty neighbor the Gemini.  I don’t exactly make friends easily and I have a double dose of independence, but I do NEED community.  

I am confused.  I have been in a fall apart circle since I left Florida.  Things fell apart there.  I didn’t have a pull to come back to Tennessee, but I didn't really have a choice either (that I know of).  Since I came home, things have just continuously fallen apart in every area of my life over and over again.  It really is a problem when you are trying to love and trust yourself!  I mean I’m not giving myself much reason am I?

I just don’t know why the guidance stopped.  Am I at the end of that particular spiritual journey?  Did I learn all I needed to learn?  If so, why don’t I know what to do now?

A part of me feels that the journey was great and awesome, but also too late.  I worked really hard over the past eight years to learn to love and accept myself and be able to see myself as I really am - something I couldn’t do before.  I worked hard.  I got sober.  I went through a couple of programs specifically designed for women with my issues.  And I actually got the spiritual healing I was seeking.  I can see myself as I actually am - I no longer live in a fun house with crazy mirrors that warp my appearance.  I love myself, accept myself and feel that I am ready to enter into a healthy relationship for the first time in my almost 40 years on this planet.

But I find myself in a void.  Nothing is working out.  And worst of all, I have no guidance, no promptings, nothing pulling on my soul to indicate the next step and every step I have taken has appeared to be the wrong step.

Why take me though all of the spiritual healing if only to leave me alone and forsaken?  That’s how I feel right now.  Very alone and Very forsaken.

I could have played my cards differently in my current situation, but I still wouldn’t really know where to go or what to do. 

I do think my turning 40 in a couple of months is also playing into a lot of this.  I always thought I’d find something I love and I’d do it for a living.  I always thought I would come across a man to marry and have kids with.  I always thought everything was just going to work out.  But it hasn’t.

I guess the one thing I can take comfort in is that I am living out my worst case scenario.  I mean if you can live your worst case scenario - then nothing can really get you can it?  I mean if you are already in free fall does it really matter where you land?

I feel like I’ve been unemployed more than I’ve been employed.  I have stayed sober for 7.5 years and I am still sober today.  Living my worst nightmare like a champ!  That’s something.

And I know what I have to do.  I have to put myself at the mercy of the universe once again and take whatever lackluster, crapshoot of a job I can and I am going to have to stay in that job, wherever that job is and deal with it for a while because I and my resume need some stability.  And a dog.

I don’t know if the healing was too late for what I wanted out of life, but I do know that if it was - then it will lead me to a place of surrender and acceptance and most likely on a farm somewhere with 100 dogs or a Mars Commune - if that were ever an option. (not the planet, the band #echelon)
​
I am hopeful for many explorations ahead.  I love to explore and try new places and new things.  And who knows - maybe this void will empty me into a whole new level of being and I will find my way again.