Several years ago I set out on what would become a spiritual journey. Throughout this journey I was practically guided. I knew when it was time to leave and journey on to the next destination and I knew the identity of the next destination. It was like God was holding me by the hand and saying “now go here”. While I didn’t always know the why - I always soon found the why. Then a couple of years ago I got plopped back at my starting point and the guidance disappeared.
Fast forward to today. I still have no clue what is supposed to be next. I don’t know if I am supposed to stay or go. I don’t know which direction to look for career, love, friendship or anything else. I couldn’t even title this post. I am beyond lost.
Over the past two years I have made friends only to loose them to other cities. I have found jobs only to loose them to lay offs for various reasons. I have tried hard to find community here, but I always come up short. I am a roaming bull - otherwise known as a Taurus with some traits from my chatty neighbor the Gemini. I don’t exactly make friends easily and I have a double dose of independence, but I do NEED community.
I am confused. I have been in a fall apart circle since I left Florida. Things fell apart there. I didn’t have a pull to come back to Tennessee, but I didn't really have a choice either (that I know of). Since I came home, things have just continuously fallen apart in every area of my life over and over again. It really is a problem when you are trying to love and trust yourself! I mean I’m not giving myself much reason am I?
I just don’t know why the guidance stopped. Am I at the end of that particular spiritual journey? Did I learn all I needed to learn? If so, why don’t I know what to do now?
A part of me feels that the journey was great and awesome, but also too late. I worked really hard over the past eight years to learn to love and accept myself and be able to see myself as I really am - something I couldn’t do before. I worked hard. I got sober. I went through a couple of programs specifically designed for women with my issues. And I actually got the spiritual healing I was seeking. I can see myself as I actually am - I no longer live in a fun house with crazy mirrors that warp my appearance. I love myself, accept myself and feel that I am ready to enter into a healthy relationship for the first time in my almost 40 years on this planet.
But I find myself in a void. Nothing is working out. And worst of all, I have no guidance, no promptings, nothing pulling on my soul to indicate the next step and every step I have taken has appeared to be the wrong step.
Why take me though all of the spiritual healing if only to leave me alone and forsaken? That’s how I feel right now. Very alone and Very forsaken.
I could have played my cards differently in my current situation, but I still wouldn’t really know where to go or what to do.
I do think my turning 40 in a couple of months is also playing into a lot of this. I always thought I’d find something I love and I’d do it for a living. I always thought I would come across a man to marry and have kids with. I always thought everything was just going to work out. But it hasn’t.
I guess the one thing I can take comfort in is that I am living out my worst case scenario. I mean if you can live your worst case scenario - then nothing can really get you can it? I mean if you are already in free fall does it really matter where you land?
I feel like I’ve been unemployed more than I’ve been employed. I have stayed sober for 7.5 years and I am still sober today. Living my worst nightmare like a champ! That’s something.
And I know what I have to do. I have to put myself at the mercy of the universe once again and take whatever lackluster, crapshoot of a job I can and I am going to have to stay in that job, wherever that job is and deal with it for a while because I and my resume need some stability. And a dog.
I don’t know if the healing was too late for what I wanted out of life, but I do know that if it was - then it will lead me to a place of surrender and acceptance and most likely on a farm somewhere with 100 dogs or a Mars Commune - if that were ever an option. (not the planet, the band #echelon)
I am hopeful for many explorations ahead. I love to explore and try new places and new things. And who knows - maybe this void will empty me into a whole new level of being and I will find my way again.