Well, one thing I have learned through current books and a meditation series is that I have a problem with uncertainty. It is true that I don’t feel okay unless I have a plan for everything. The plan can be absurd and not make any sense - it’s just having the plan that matters. The universe is apparently done putting up with me and my plans - at least for the time being. I am living on breadcrumbs. Every time I get to that point where I might actually default on everything I get just enough to keep me going for another week or two or three. It’s like I really am having to surrender anything and everything I could ever want to God and the Universe. I am being forced to have no plan.
My part-time job came back in a big way giving me full-time hours out of the blue and I was so happy. Finally, I thought, I can start tackling my debt again and start making the interest payments on my car again and you know splurge at the grocery store! I thought the pressure was off and I could wait for more things to open up so I could land myself somewhere good… Then I learned through conversations that what had been presented by management was not the actual truth. That if anything, I was hired back on to do a bunch of grunt work until store management was sure about the business staying open, then all of the regular employees would come back and I along with the few others in my classification would loose our hours again. It’s just heart breaking. And that’s not all. I have a foot problem. A problem that might diminish my one joy in life - hiking. A problem that might require surgery. A problem that is keeping me in excruciating pain while I am taking these few breadcrumbs that have been dropped in my lap. I can’t even!…
Had I gotten my new part-time job a few weeks before I would have been eligible for that $600 COVID paycheck, but I’m not. The good news would have been that if businesses are able to start staying open I can look for more part-time jobs with guaranteed hours, but all of those jobs will require standing and walking for several hours a day…Something that will make surgery my only option with my new foot issue. I think I am being taught how to truly live one day at a time trusting that God and the Universe will provide what I need when I need it. Perhaps I am also being taught a serious lesson on trust…. Or God’s just removing my hands from the steering wheel the only way He can… That could totally be it too. You know they say when you are drowning you have to stop fighting to survive just long enough for the lifeguard to get his arms around you and start taking you back to shore. Maybe you have to do the same in life…. I am certainly there. I don’t even have the will to try anymore… I just want to give up, but I can’t even do that… all I can do is take the breadcrumbs given. Wake up every day and tell God and the Universe (I don’t use these interchangeably) what I need and wait and see what happens. Like right now I apparently need a job that does not require me to be on my feet all day and I need health insurance like yesterday. But what job is going to do that and then let me take time off ??? Especially, in this current economic climate? I don’t know, but it is what I need and so I leave it at the feet of God and the Universe.
All of this has me thinking about who I am on the trail and my never ending pursuit to become that person all of the time. That person never worries about anything when on a trail. She don’t even have a plan when she is out in nature. She just picks a trail and she does it. She doesn’t worry about what she might encounter either. She just lives moment to moment in pure joy as she explores all that nature has to offer. Maybe I need to let my trail life become my blue print for my everyday life. I do some planning, but not much. I look at the mileage, the terrain, the weather and then I take what I deem appropriate and I just go. I leave everything else and I trust I will be okay. Something else I always do before starting out on a trail is wonder aloud: I wonder what nature has to offer me today? Will I see any cool wildlife? Will I encounter any unexpected obstacles? Will I see something beautiful? Maybe I should start each day with the question What does life have to offer me today? Maybe it will help me open up to the possibilities and opportunities around me during this trying time. Maybe this is the reason for the trying time…