New Year's Eve: A Look Back and A Look Ahead

I am sitting on the floor in my room with my MacBook in my lap with a hot cup of water beside me.  It is Tuesday, December 31st of 2019.  My festivities for the night include writing out some new year resolutions to guide me in 2020 and to veg out in front of the television for the rest of the evening.  Tomorrow, January 1 of 2020, I will be attending a First Day Hike - something state parks around the country do ever New Year’s Day.  This hike includes some presentations on birds of prey as well as a chance to get a picture with an owl!  Since the owl is one of my power animals - I am stoked!  I am starting off the New Year on a trail with some friends and an owl!  Sounds about right for me.  What about you?  How are you starting off 2020?

I found my resolutions from last year and looked them over.  I, apparently, wanted to be more service minded and find another good service position.  I do recall starting off last year with an AA chair commitment that ended up lasting two months.  I also recall having a meeting with someone at my church to try to find some service opportunities within the church.  Aside from assisting in service every once in a while - that meeting fell flat along with any attempts at being of service to anyone except myself.  Funny thing is I have recently come to know a few people who have the best presence or energy ever.  The kind of people that just lift you up whether you want to be lifted up or not!  I was just speaking with my Higher Power about how I’d love to be one of those people, but I have no idea how to get there!  I’m thinking last year’s resolution is coming back in a slightly different form for 2020.

Another thing I lost sight of was my debt.  I did have it all paid off at one time.  Then things went sideways.  In all actuality, I lost myself in the day to day.  I forgot about my plan and I forgot about what I ultimately wanted.  Execution has always been an issue for me, but these days it is killing me.  Two and a half years ago, when I moved home - I did so with the intention of getting a job that could propel me forward while I paid off my debt, saved up money and would then jump back out into this crazy world - preferably somewhere on the west coast.  What had happened was…. Propeller Job combusted and I got laid off and so I found another job (not a propeller job, but was decent money) and then that combusted and I found myself laid off again.  While working the second job I was bored out of my mind and I found myself spending money like it was growing on a tree in my back yard.  To be fair to myself, I have to admit that half of my debt was from medical bills for two separate, but costly medical issues but still - I spent a lot of cash.  My main takeaway is that I let circumstances dictate my reality and interrupt my plan.  In other words, instead of swerving, I got on a totally different interstate and I drove in the wrong direction!  My second lay off in a row comes at a time when I have a lot of debt, which means the salary has to be that much higher for me to relocate.  And relocate I probably could have - if I didn’t have this debt! Out of all of the jobs I have applied to - only a couple of opportunities have come up in or near my current city.  All of the rest of the opportunities have come from the west coast, which is where I intended on going mind you!  I should have never let the circumstances change my plan!  I had three ops in California and seven in the PNW.  Oh it stings!  I’d love to live there - the cooler weather, the hiking, the beauty right outside your door. Ugh.  I don’t know what happened… I kinda gave up I think.  I don’t have friends here so I am very lonely and that loneliness is translating to depression.  I have my family and I love having my family, but I need more than that to be happy.

One thing I did do that was on my list was plan a trip - an actual vacation.  It’s been a long time since I could have any sort of vacation since I keep having to start over - over and over and over again.  This last lay off was my 4th.  I had wanted to go on a yoga retreat, an excursion and see my favorite band if they were in the US this year.   I kind of combined it all into one short vacation to Los Angeles.  I went to Camp Mars and saw my dudes, well, one of them and I made new friends and I got to see some old friends from LA.  I went to the beach, did a beach cliff hike and enjoyed a yummy dinner.  It was sweet and nostalgic.  I used to drive the 101 from Encino to Agoura Hills every day.  There’s just something about LA.  Maybe it is who I was when I was there.  I felt empowered, I had great friends, a great spiritual home (Mosaic) and adventures in the mountains or on the sea every weekend.  Maybe it’s not that LA is magical.. Maybe I was magical while I was there.  Maybe that is what I need to get back into my life - the magic of being alive!  If I am going to be staying put for a while - which it looks like I am - maybe I need to do whatever it takes to find my people and create some magic in this town.  I mean I did like living here at one point.. .Maybe I can like it again.

Okay so that was my wrap up for 2019.  Now looking forward into 2020 and what do I want to see?  Well, I know Mars is out of the question this year so maybe a yoga retreat? I also want to go see the Redwoods and maybe Lake Tahoe.  I’ve spoken with a friend who lives in central California about a possible girls trip.  Once I have a new job, I will reach back out to her and see if we can plan something.  As for the yoga retreat - I know of one I want to go on - I will just have to see what the job brings in terms of leave benefits and what all I get during my unending first year.  On a personal level, I do want to be better about being intentional with my interactions.  I want so badly to be one of those people who has that unmistakable and contagious energy.  That, I will have to leave up to Jesus - I can’t even fathom how to get there from where I am right now.

So in more clear terms my resolutions/goals for 2020 are below:

1. Be more intentional with my energy and interactions (like those two people who will remain unnamed)
2. Write a damn book already.  (surprise - I didn’t mention this, but i know what I am talking about)
3. Go see the Redwoods and possibly Lake Tahoe - hiking and glamping, please!
4. Yoga Retreat would be nice.
5. Pay off all that pesky debt again! Ugh!  And for good this time!!!  This debt cost me Seattle & Santa Barbara!!!
6. Right spiritual community, Right friendships, Right Next Job - stop forcing it all and go where I am appreciated and feel at home.
7. Do more hiking in 2020 since I am on the mend from my medical issues.
8. Sobriety & Jesus first - everything else second.