My brain is a noisy place. The constant chatter can make it easy for me to feel confused about something as simple as what I want to eat. How am I supposed to make major decisions when I can easily become confused about eating? This is something I have been contemplating lately. I just feel lost. Very lost. So lost that I don’t even know if I am capable of being found. Life hasn’t turned out the way I wanted it to and I am finding it harder and harder to navigate. I feel like I wouldn’t know what I wanted even if it was staring me in the face! All the voices of the world keep telling me I am capable and I am strong and I can become anything I want to be - Well, what if I cannot choose? What if every choice I have made has been a wrong turn? What then? How do I stop manifesting what I don’t want? How do I find out what I do want? It’s like I’ve gone down so many wrong paths that I can’t even make myself choose anymore because I know it will be wrong!
This isn’t new to me. I have done the same thing with dating. I just stopped. I gave up on the fairy tale because every man I chose was very, very bad to me. I’m not talking douchebaggery here, I’m talking ill intentions of the worst variety and I chose them every time! Do I still want to get married - yes. Do I still want a family - yes. But I don’t trust myself and I’m sure not going to go looking for trouble until I can prove to myself that I can start liking guys who at least aren’t going to intentionally do things to destroy me.
Still - I have a problem choosing. I need to choose better. But how?
I think it has something to do with that still small voice deep inside me. Some people call it the God voice, others call it the voice of the higher self or one’s intuition. Whatever it is to you - it exists. But can it be heard over all the noise?
I’ve been trying to listen for it more intently and what I have discovered is that this still small voice is always there and always speaking. I just don’t always hear what it has to say or I shrug it off or I bat it out of my thoughts. That still small voice is so small it is easily missed. Often times it is nothing more than a thought that doesn’t make sense. And I also have noticed that the thought often comes with a barely noticeable string to my heart or soul. It is hard to explain - like I hear or see the thought and feel the thought in my heart region. The problem is it is often a fleeting millisecond of an experience.
One day I had gone outside to put tags on my car. As I walked back up to the front porch I saw and felt the word “mail”. It came out of nowhere and seemed out of place. I started to shrug it off and go inside as it was freezing out, but I turned around and made the trek down to the mail box. After all, I was trying to listen to that still small voice. It turns out, all of my tax documents had arrived in the mail that day. Point - still small voice.
Another recent incident involves my phone. I was worried. I had noticed that it was taking a lot longer for my device to charge and that it wasn’t holding its charge very long. Financially speaking, I did not need to need a new phone right now. I was going to research it - the phone, the battery and what not, but I just heard and felt the word “cord”. Again, I didn’t think it meant anything, but since I am trying to pay attention to that still small voice I decided to find some other USB cords I had around the house. Interestingly enough, the old cords worked. The phone started charging fast again and held the charge like it used to when it was new. It was indeed the cord - point still small voice.
These seem like simple moments, but my question to myself right now is how can I harness that same knowledge for the bigger things in life? I mean if my life is not how I want it - how can I harness that knowledge to make it what I want? I keep feeling like there is so much more inside me. That I have completely missed my path in life, lost my potential and am literally sitting in the middle of a field yelling how did I get here! What I should be yelling is how do I get out of here and how do I tap into my potential.
This post isn’t for any of you - it’s for me. I just felt led to sit down at the computer and write about that still small voice. I didn’t feel like I could. I haven’t been logging my experiences like I wanted to - but maybe I didn’t need to - Maybe I just need to start listening for and following that still small voice and see where it leads. I guess that’s gonna be my spiritual cultivation for 2020. Acknowledging and honoring that still small voice. What about you? What is your spiritual cultivation for 2020? Care to share?