“That's the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.”
― Charles Bukowski
The quote above is a great recap for what inevitably happens if I decide to allow alcohol back into my life. It just somehow becomes the thing I do pushing all of the other things I was doing out of my life. And I don’t like that. It has always been all or nothing with me, but then again I am an all or nothing person.
It is amazing when I look back at all of the wonderful things that have come into my life while I was sober. Hiking, photography, creative writing, stand up paddle boarding, yoga, travel and exploration, reading a ton of books, working on major side projects I want to share with the world, learning new crafts and trades, taking up golf and ballet… just to name a few. And then there is the other me. The one who drinks alcohol. This last stint I only drank wine as I didn’t want anything stronger, but it turns out the wine was strong enough to slowly take over all of my other things and I slowly turned into the girl who doesn’t want to do anything if wine was not involved meaning I either sat on my sofa, sat on a patio, or sat in a bar. The sober girl is way more interesting, wouldn’t you agree?
And I like who I am these days too. I like who I have become. It might be the first time in my life I can say that. I am very intentional with my life and my time. I look for quality friendships with people who will appreciate me for who I am and what I have to offer. I am no longer okay being around people who tolerate me. I may not be content with where I am in life right now, but I am content with who I am in life right now. I like me.
I don’t think I ever realized what all alcohol was taking from me. I just couldn’t see it. I mean back when I was really bad off I could see my health fading, and after I got sober the second time around I could see how my love affair with alcohol had taken my career, my friendships, and chances at love, but I never realized what else it was taking on a day to day basis. It took my peace of mind and replaced it with insane emotions and a whole lot of anxiety. This I found out recently, when I decided to have a glass of wine after a few months of not drinking. The next 48 hours were shit. I was an emotional rollercoaster and my anxiety went through the roof. I couldn’t resonate with my affirmations or keep myself on a lighter vibration to match what I am calling into my life. I really felt horrible. I have always heard that people with anxiety or depression should not drink but this was the first time I experienced it living color. It made my decision easy. I walked alcohol back out of my life. I don’t need the emotional and mental torment. I don’t need to forget about all of the stuff I want to do and accomplish and I don’t want to lose the woman I am right now. I like her and I want to keep her around.
PS. If you are sober curious and would rather have an alcohol replacement instead of just going cold turkey - try these: