I always tend to get depressed around my birthday.  Even when life is going really, really well.  This year that is not the issue.  I mean I am mentally, and emotionally well.  I really am.  I am creating healthy habits in all areas of my life and making a lot progress.  It’s just that my patience is wearing thin.  I am about one year into a three year deal and persistence has never been my thing.  I try hard for a little while and then shrug my shoulders and move on to something else.  That’s just who I am.  Only this time I cannot move on.  I must stay the damn course!

I recently looked at the Intentions I had set to be completed by my birthday - the things I was wanting to manifest.  I got none.  I could cheat and say I got part of one because I said I wanted to be healthy and stronger and I have lost over 20 lbs at this writing and one could deduce that to get healthy and strong one has to lose weight and then put on strength so I am giving myself half of that one.  But, yeah, I got nothing else.

I am reading a book called Trust Your Vibes.  I’ve read it before, but it is hitting different this time. In the book, Sonia says something along the lines of asking what your story is now and stay focused on that instead of getting overwhelmed by the future or caught up in the past.  So I have been asking God what is my story now?  What is it?  Hello??? HELLO???  The other day I finally got a response and it wasn’t what I wanted to hear.  It was what I am doing.  Paying off debt.  That’s it.  Nothing more and nothing less, just pay off your damn debt.  You see I am getting bored.  I need something else to work toward, but what can you work towards that costs zero money?  Nada, that’s what.  So my life is apparently going to be paying off debt and looking for a better job or a second job to pay off that debt for the next few years???  This is the pill I am swallowing right now.  It’s one of those giant, grainy pills that somehow never goes down with the water and when it does finally go down it always gets caught in your throat and you feel it for like 20 minutes after it finally sails on down the pipe.

This is my life right now.  My friends are living their best lives going vacation hopping and I am trying to dig myself out of a crater with a tiny plastic spoon.  I just keep telling myself that I must be learning all of these lessons for a reason.  There must be something coming into my orbit, into my life that requires the new and improved Jessica.  There will be good out of this, it’s just that I am far enough into the tunnel that I can no longer see the light from which I came and not far enough in the tunnel to see the light to which I am going.  I am in the dark, but if I keep walking, I know I will eventually begin to see a little light and that little light will grow and grow and grow until I am walking out of the tunnel and into a brand new life.  Until then, you know where to find me - in the pit with my tiny plastic spoon maybe even signing a little tune.

​The Next Iteration: What does one do while waiting for next?

Well one does what one would be doing if next was here!  I am waiting on my next career iteration and while doing so I am doing exactly what I would be doing if I had that next position.  Grant it, I am still currently employed and learning a lot and getting a lot of experience, I just don’t have a salary I can live with.  And trust me I have applied to like a million jobs, but for whatever reason, the door to my next career iteration is closed!  Instead of wallowing in the why me saga, I am moving full steam ahead with my main two focuses for this year: financial wellness and physical wellness.  The interesting part is that my mental and emotional wellness is improving too.

I knew this year was going to be a hermit year, but I didn’t know that would be a positive experience.  I am hermiting so to speak, but with a purpose.  And it is interesting how one purpose is bleeding into the other purpose.  It is indeed true that sometimes we just need to stop and be still and interrupt our routines to find what actually serves us.  It wasn’t until I had forced time alone due to snow storms and holidays that I realized I needed to make some changes.  My current life wasn’t serving me at all.  In Tennessee my friends are all about being at the next restaurant, the next bar, the next festival, the next boutique and of course all of that costs $$$$.  I realized that in both California and Florida my friends were more about going over to someone’s house or meeting at a trail and catching up.  Friend time in California and Florida didn’t have to include all the other stuff.  And it’s not like I don’t go out at all, I am just limiting myself to one or two things a month that cost money.  Which brings me to my first focus: financial wellness.

I am so focused on getting rid of this debt that is hanging over my head.  I am literally putting all of my bi-weekly check into paying off debt.  Maybe even a little too much, because I need to be rebuilding my savings account as well.  I just want that debt gone so bad!  Yes, I know there is debt consolidation and debt relief, but that stuff comes with strings attached and lingering issues and I don’t want any of that.  I got myself into this mess and I can get myself out of it.  When a Taurus decides to do something, even if it seems impossible, stand back and watch us move mountains!  That is exactly what I am doing right now.  If the job situation stays the same then I have two years left on this track.  If it changes for the better, maybe one year.  If it changes for the worse? Well , we aren’t talking about that right now.  I am just laser focused.  I started doing curbside pick up for all of my groceries which is helping too because I can watch my total as I add items to the cart.  I have also noticed this is helping me to buy quality and healthy food. I just don’t think about the sugar when I am searching for items on the grocery website.  It doesn’t even pop into my mind.  My grocery bills are lower and I am eating better than I have in a long time which bleeds into my next major focus: physical wellness.

I mentioned in an earlier blog that I came out of a major, major depression season and upon doing so I tried some workouts from Brie Larson’s trainer, Jason Walsh on the Playbook App.  These workouts were what I still call sneaky effective and sneaky hard.  They were exactly what I needed to get me back into working out and gave me just enough strength to do so really.  I can say that I am back into my daily routine of yoga in the morning and a workout in the evening.  I do a lot of pilates, barre, and straight strength as well as ballet and other forms of dance.  I stopped caring about whether the scale was ever going to change or if I was ever going to see any results on my body and just focused on doing what felt good to me and made me happy.  Food wise, I have completely changed my diet.  I kicked dairy and sugar to the curb - I should have never been eating dairy anyhow - and have finally started to see some results.   It’s not anything to write home about, but the scale has moved down about 15 pounds and I didn’t think that was possible. I am also cognitive of my protein intake which is new for me.  I can also thank Jason for that - I started using his protein powder in a shake for breakfast each day as an easy way to 30 grams of protein and a complete amino acid profile, which I probably rarely get with my diet. The protein powder had an interesting side effect for me - calmness, which made me look at stress supplements to keep that calm going all day. I am keeping stress at bay with adaptogen mocktails and a very small daily dose of Ashwagandha. I am staying more hydrated by taking in less caffeine and adding things like coconut water to my regimen and you know what?  I haven’t had a vertigo attack in a while.  Hmmm…. I have also changed  my vitamin and mineral supplements and am noticing a big difference in mental clarity and daily energy. People are even commenting that something is different about me.  I have a glow, I seem really happy, whatever changes I am making are working for me, etc.

The funny thing is I’m just focusing on bettering myself financially and physically and making the necessary changes in my life to do so.  I am no longer striving for the right man, the it job, the full calendar, the right clothes or any of it.  I just want to pay off my debt, fill my savings account back up, and be a healthier version of me.

Actually, it’s occurring to me that I have been praying for mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health and that is exactly what I am getting!  I guess God is answering one of my prayers after all…

It’s where I am right now in every area of my life.  What does one do when one is stuck and no help arrives?  This is where I feel I am right now.  I am stuck in a low paying job I cannot get out of no matter how hard I try.  I am stuck with a car that repeatedly gets broken into causing me to spend money and time to fix it over and over again.  This car also has an engine oil consumption issue causing me more money all the time.  I am stuck financially mostly thanks to my own doing and have a mountain of debt I am paying off.  I am literally paying in debt what I would be paying for a large apartment in a great and safe neighborhood and thanks to that hole I cannot do anything about the car and am limited in what I can do about the job.  Hence, I am stuck.  And don’t even get me started on some health issues that were once rare and weird occurrences that are now par for the course in my life that make me feel even more stuck.

So again, what does one do when one is stuck and no help arrives?  Well for one, I am going back to basics because I cannot handle much right now.  I am also just taking things as they come like one would do on a trail or a golf course.  I am also allowing myself time to breathe and I am practicing the art of self-forgiveness.  I have a lot to forgive myself for.  But like I said in the last post, I just don’t seem to realize the situation I am in until it is way too late.  I just kept assuming everything would work out and then it didn’t.  I feel like I am learning a necessary lesson way too late in life.  I am thoroughly not prepared for this whole things not working out experience.

I know something will break at some point.  The car will finally get stolen, or jacked up beyond repair. Some entity out there somewhere will give me an opportunity to join their workforce at a better salary.  Hell, I might even meet someone one day that can alleviate some of the pressure I feel - in the form of him having his shit together, not in the form of him clearing my debt - I would never allow that any way.  Actually that’s a red flag.  I don’t need a savior, I need a partner.  I already have a savior anyhow.

Since I am overwhelmed and feeling way too much stress and pressure, I am taking everything back to the basics.  Giving myself one personal project a month and just focusing on paying that debt, keeping my fingers from clicking “buy now” and cleaning stuff out.  That’s it.  Nothing more and nothing less. My fun time will have to be going on hikes or playing some sporadic golf.  I might even go back to church or synagogue.  I feel like I was right about a hermit season this year, but it is a purposeful hermit season, a grounding season.  A time to withdraw to reflect, to learn and to grow in a new direction when opportunity arises.

It hit me the other day that perhaps I am in what I would call an Adult Pruning Season.  A few years ago, a neighbor whacked the trees in their front yard.  And by whacked, I mean they left only the trunk and the stubs of the limbs.  It looked so weird and I laughed at it and wondered why they did that, to those beautiful trees.  Later that year, my mother whacked the rose bush in her front yard and I mean that thing looked like she had flat out destroyed it.  She also took it down to its stubs and I thought it would never bloom again.  But, I was wrong.  I was wrong about both, actually.

Am I those trees or that rose bush?  Have I been whacked to the point of stubs?  Am I to bloom again?  Will my life bloom again?

If you asked me these questions even a couple of months ago, I would have said no. God has been giving me the silent treatment and showing me all of the things I need to fix in my life. Now, I’m in Maybeville. I was crying out to God about one or all of the many things lacking in my life (I don’t really remember) but I do remember a thought that came into my head that wasn’t mine. That thought said, Didn’t you ask to be expedited?  Didn’t you want the fast version?  And the answer is yes, I did ask for just that.  I’m too old to take the slow route!  I need shit to come together.  I don’t have years and years to figure this crap out.  And then I thought about those trees and that rose bush.  The ones I laughed at and wondered why they did what they did to those beautiful trees.  I felt bad for the rose bush.  It was once beautiful and it had been turned into a sad heap of sticks poking out of the ground. I feel like I am that rose bush right now.

The thing is that rose bush did bloom again.  In fact it is the bush I routinely take pictures of because it seems to be on its own bloom schedule and blooms throughout the year in the weirdest times.  It’s very pretty these days.  And those trees?  Well, they are growing, and they were fun to watch grow.  The next spring the stubs sprouted leaves and each year after they began to take more shape until they looked like little trees with a giant trunk.  Who knew the whacking would spur the growth needed to ensure a healthy and beautiful tree and bush.  I guess if you are into gardening you might know that, but what I did not know is that the same applies to us.  At least that is what I am hoping.  That is what the thought that wasn’t mine insinuated.  Perhaps I am learning a lot of lessons at once so I can move forward into the life that is waiting for me.  I can’t see it yet, I can’t even envision being anywhere other than where I am right now, but I am starting to feel that the lessons must be for a reason.  I am working on some defects of character right now.  I am working on focusing on some responsibilities that I just pretended didn’t exist for far too long. I always kept thinking something would happen and I would’t have to worry about those responsibilities, but it turns out I do.  Again, Eminem and one of his songs has become my mantra for 2025.  I literally listen to it every day because I have to otherwise, I forget what the song is teaching me. I do vaguely remember thinking he was cool back in the day or at least I remember my friends and I using the phrase “watch it, I’m from the Eminem generation” that was apparently a threat we would make on the regular.  I don’t remember much else.  Looking into him now, he is a great example of someone who got their shit together, is he not?

My prayers are changing too.  I’m done asking for certain things and getting into specifics with God.  It’s not like it has ever worked anyway and all I do is run my life into the ground over and over again so why am I still trying to be in control?  I’m leaving the specifics to God these days.   I actually got one of these payers from psychic Chip Coffee (again it takes all kinds).  I have begun praying his HASH prayer: I pray to be Happy, Abundant, Safe, & Healthy.  I also pray to be Mentally, Emotionally, & Spiritually Well (& Financially Well too).  I pray this for myself, my family, my friends, and whoever else comes to mind.  Again, a lot of the changes I am seeing in myself right now are internal changes, but those are the changes that make all the difference.  The internal changes are what allow for the external changes.

With everything that is going on in our country right now, and the circumstances of my life right now, I don’t even know what to pray for but those two prayers I shared above seem like a good place to start.  I mean if I am mentally, emotionally, and spiritually well… if everyone around me was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually well…

2025 doesn’t feel like a fresh start, if anything, it feels like the last three years continued.  I have been brought face to face with my inability to realize the situation for what it is.  I am being reminded of each and every time God has provided a miraculous way out and I swatted it away.  I am being reminded of the many times God has tried to set me up in careers some only dream about and I said No.  I am being reminded of the insanity of my own mind and my own inability to surrender no matter what situation I am putting myself in.  I am being shown just how blind and defiant I am.  This has been my last month of 2024 and so I ask why?  What am I to do with this knowledge of my own ineptness?

I fee like I am entering a time of withdrawal. I am letting go.  I am giving up.  I am of a singular focus.  I am entering a hermit season.  2025 is the year of the hermit for me.  I have one focus and that is to get a better paying job and pay off around $10K of my debt.  And then repeat that for the next three years.  The problem is I always get side tracked.  I can never stay on course.  Life happens and I get caught up in it and forget the goals or aims I had.  Like when I first moved back to Memphis, I was only supposed to be here for like a year or two tops to regroup and zoom right back out to one of the coasts. But I got caught up in friendships and jobs and hobbies and family and I just forgot all about saving money and leaving Memphis.  I have never been good at staying the course which is where the hermit part comes in.  I need to have one singular focus.  I can’t care about anything else.  I am realizing I can only focus on one thing at a time and right now it has to be my own financial well being.

There is a lot I am not saying here.  And it has to do with my being in and out of sobriety and even when I am in sobriety my own isms will run riot me into a grave. I have been sober for a year and six months as I type this and it was a year and some months into my sobriety this time around that I started realizing my isms are killing me way faster than any substance ever could. I came to this realization through music.  I had a dream and Eminem was in it.  The blonde, cocky, asshole Eminem from Eight Mile, not the cute one Mike Tyson punched.  I don’t typically dream and usually deem any dreams a message, but this one I chalked up to WTF.  A week went by and I recalled the dream again and decided to look him up to see what he’d been doing since Eight Mile and it was a hell of a lot. Every song I decided to check out had something to do with his own reflections on addiction and those songs got me to see my own story in a very different light. He even posts his chip every year like I used to.  And so I decided to check out some Zoom meetings.  I actually love hearing from people all over the world and the country.   While I don’t need the program to stay sober, I do need the program to fight my isms.  They apparently require constant attention.  Looking back, I have always been a better me when I was in the program and so I will give the program another go this time for the isms, because the obsession that plagued me for my first ten years of sobriety has finally been lifted.

But I guess all this goes back to my inability to see the situation for what it is.  I have thoroughly run my life into the ground yet again.  But it’s okay.  I am actually okay.  I am glad I learned the lessons I finally learned.  I am glad I finally proved to myself that I cannot drink and need the program for my isms and I am glad I understand my insane impulsiveness and consumption tendencies. All of this is good.  I am glad I understand I have an issue seeing the situation for what it is.  I am glad I understand I don’t know how to do life on life’s terms. All of this is setting me up for what is coming next. Now, I can actually start getting somewhere. I don’t need to walk into 2025 defeated. ‘How easy can I let it be to pay off the debt I have created’  How Easy Can I Let It Be….This is the energy I restarted this blog with (and subsequently forgot about) And this is the energy I need to carry into 2025. Besides, God has been talking to me again.  That still small voice is there again and I have listened.  The other day I wanted to make a Zoom meeting I pretty much always enjoy, but something told me to not rush it.  And so I did not make the meeting.  I ended up in another Zoom meeting later in the day, where I listened to a guy tell quite a story, and I knew without a doubt I was supposed to hear him.  I immediately knew that while it is important to know where all I have gone wrong, it doesn’t end there.  He is the God of a million chances and maybe even a million more. Thanks for letting me share.