I used to not have so many things. I kept only what I could fit in my car and I liked it that way. Now, though, I have way too many things. I think I just got bored with life. And somehow the things were supposed to make up for what wasn’t there, what might not ever be there.
I’m ready for a change. A big change. A monumental change. I read on a LinkedIn post about pivoters. People who just keep pivoting in their professional lives. The post was in support of such behavior and told its readers it is okay to just keep pivoting if that is how you are wired. It was the first time I understood what I had been doing with my life. The challenge of course is to keep moving upwards instead of just making a lot of lateral moves. It takes some strategic thought and a lot of luck, but it can be done and it is what I am looking to do with my next career move. I have looked at a lot of avenues and have started applying to jobs that I feel I could make an easy pivot to and get a pay raise. Although any job would probably be a pay raise from where I am right now. I was told by a tarot reader and medium that I have a poverty mindset. My friend had gone to see this person and she was spot on about her situation over the first half of this year and so I tagged along. She wanted to know where this poverty mindset came from. I told her I wasn’t sure. The only thing I could think of was I grew up as the poor kid on the rich block. I lived in the sought after neighborhood, went to the sought after school, and probably never should have been there. Everyone was always wearing designer clothes and a new outfit everyday and I was in clothes that well weren’t name brand. She suggested that this feeling of being less than was created in me during my adolescence and that I needed to shift to an abundance mindset as quickly as possible. She recommended a book and I bought it. I plan on reading after I finish my current book. She also literally repeated some things I was told by the psychic from the beginning of this year which floored me. I guess that is what spirit or in her words the ancestors wanted me know. She also said I didn’t need to be afraid to pivot or follow my heart. She said everything in my life that I want really boils down to me following my heart. The pivoting will lead to something and someone that is good! I can’t help but wonder if my growing up in such an affluent neighborhood has something to do with all the stuff I have somehow collected. I do know the poverty mindset is a part of it. I have trouble letting go of items. I am so afraid I might need it later that I don’t want to let it go. I am so afraid I won’t be able to afford it again so I don’t want to let it go. But you know what? I threw out all of my sweatshirts when I moved to Florida and then I moved to Tennessee where I needed them and I just got new ones. It wasn’t a big deal. I am trying to remind myself of this as I go through all of the things I have collected. I am literally getting rid of an entire boutique. Some will go to nonprofits, some will be recycled, and some I might sell. I wish the universe would just throw a move in my face because I am really good at just letting go of everything when I absolutely have to and am too tired to care. I also think my never finding a partner or having my own little brood has something to do with it too. I think, at one point, I became addicted to the things to prevent me from dealing with the feelings of realizing some doors are just closed. I have never been one of those women who just had to have kids, but the option going away is still hard to digest. I technically still could, but wouldn’t want to at this age and to be honest, I’m not sure I would want to leave my offspring to this world. In all reality, and at this stage of the game, I just want someone to do life with, someone to play and travel with…I don’t need all the extra. Still, I do think part of my radical spending these past few years was in part a distraction from many feelings and realizations I was dealing with internally. I don’t think I have ever been more sober in my life. I am very wide awake right now. I am very aware of my mental, emotional, and financial situation. I am very aware. I like that phrase But God because it means my situation doesn’t really matter. I like that song the Goodness of God where it says His goodness is running after me. Because it means His goodness might and probably will catch up to me. And I need it to. I need a change. My soul needs a change. It is time to evolve. I’ve always been an experiences over appearances girl, but now I am also an experiences over things girl. I am looking to simplify. I am looking to grow. I am looking to transform. I need to pivot.
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I have really been thinking a lot about what I want in my future. Obviously, I am aware that I don’t have full control, but I do have some control. I can direct the sails of the ship so to speak and I must leave the rest to the Creator God.
I think I have been afraid to direct the sails for the most part. I get afraid way too early as was mentioned by my 2024 tarot reading. It’s true. I do get afraid way too early and forego everything to appease my fear more often than not. I actually feel like I am in some time warp because I am exactly where I was twelve years ago and I about to do the exact same thing I did twelve years earlier. I’m trying to see it as a positive that maybe I really do get a second chance. I am one of those people who tend to need several trial runs which life doesn’t usually afford. Now what would really knock my socks off is if I ended up moving the exact same weekend to the exact same place. That would be insane and a definite nod from above. We will see sooner than later! Anywho, back to getting clear about what I want. Maybe I needed to run the first time. This idea definitely relates to my on again off again relationship with alcohol. During my first nine years of sobriety I had a really hard time and I think it was because I needed to show myself why I needed to be sober. After three years of drinking myself into oblivion and putting myself in an insane amount of debt (all the isms came out to play) I can definitely say I am just a better me without the alcohol. I am finally at peace about it. I understand it in a way I didn’t understand it before and as a result, I am not struggling with my sobriety anymore. It is what it is. Me with alcohol means me on a couch or a patio with a drink in my hand and that’s pretty much my entire existence. Me without alcohol is me hiking, painting, exploring, photographing the beauty around me, road tripping, sightseeing, and learning all kinds of crafts, trying new forms of dance… Me without alcohol means an ever expanding experience and so now I know. I just can’t do the alcohol. I’m good. So what does this have to do with the thought that maybe I needed to run the first time around? I needed to see and experience my life in that industry and outside of that industry. That industry is hard and it comes with a lot of concessions and I understand now that I need that industry which makes the concessions much easier to handle and navigate. I guess to take it deeper, I needed to experience both worlds - the one where I let fear drive many of my decisions and the one where I sit with the fear and let it know it is going to be okay because whether this makes sense or not, we are doing it. They say everything is for you even when it feels like it is not. I feel like maybe the detours I took myself on were a necessary part of my journey. I needed them. I needed to choose a road, walk all the way down it and realize what I really needed after all, was the other road. I mean let’s be honest, I am known for going off trail so I should have no problem making my way back over to the other road no matter how much wild terrain I have to cross. Crushes are a funny thing aren’t they? You literally find yourself enamored with someone you have never met! I think they are peculiar to say the least. For me, attraction is so much more than a pretty face. I need to hear your voice, discover your vernacular, study your thoughts, your actions, your expressions… All of this together forms the crush. But even so, there might be crickets if I ever got the chance to meet a crush. Could we carry on a conversation over dinner? Would we vibe? Or would it be forced conversation and painstaking silence? Would we get each others jokes and sarcasm or would we take every phrase the wrong way? There are so many men I would like to have dinner with to just find out. I’m a curious cat.
Crushes for me aren’t always just some weird looking guy who catches my attention. Many of them seem to have a purpose. Many of them bring something into my life I might not have otherwise had if it weren’t for the stupid little crush. “Billy” for instance, this crush goes way back. But something I read stuck with me and served me when I moved to LA. He said, whatever you are looking for you can find it in Hollywood, in Los Angeles. He also said the key is to be very intentional about what you are looking for. If you want social climbers, you can find them everywhere. If you want fair weather friends, you can find them all over the place. If you want some of the best quality people and friendships that will last a life time - you can find them there too. But you have to be intentional about it. And that is what I did. I set my intention to cultivate lasting and quality friendships and that is exactly what I found in LA. The best friends, the best people, I often wonder why I left, like I really wonder that a lot! I’ve stayed in touch with almost all of them! Another crush taught me the “Shh”. I was going through a lot of mental and emotional stuff at the time. I read several articles and watched some interviews and videos where “Steve” used this “Shh” to quiet his mind, to quiet his thoughts when they were racing out of control and taking him down a bad path. I started using the “Shh” myself. Then the “Shh” became something that worked a little better for me - “I can see you”. Have you ever tried telling your thoughts you can see them? Telling your mind you can it? For me, at least, it has a silencing effect. All thoughts cease immediately for enough seconds to make me forget what was going on in my head and I instantly feel better and lighter. I wouldn’t have gotten to where I am now without the “Shh”. More recently, there was another “Steve" that garnered my attention. I had gained a bunch of weight, had lost some hair, was just going through it as a woman in her early 40’s and I read about this dude and his love for ballet. I recall him talking about how great of a workout it is and how he only started taking ballet for pure vanity. He had seen some male ballet dancers and wanted to try to look like them. I thought, well, hell, I’m gonna try it too. Something very out of the ordinary for this tomboy who played soccer growing up. My claim to fame is having to intercept passes from Team USA’s, Cindy Parlow. That girl had cannons for legs and I had to shake off every pass I successfully intercepted. So, any who, I’m not the girliest of girls and I don’t exactly have a right and a left foot if you know what I mean. But ballet? I have fallen in love with ballet! I found Ballet Misfit on YouTube and took her Complete Beginner series and then her Beginner series and I will be taking her Intermediate Beginner series later this year. I am also loving a ballet fitness program by YouTuber, The Lazy Dancer. Dansique Fitness is another favorite. I highly recommend anyone wanting to learn as an adult to start with Ballet Misfit. She will teach you everything so you can do other more advanced videos or take in person and be able to keep up - something else I plan on doing later this year. The interesting thing is the ballet has started some sort of renaissance in me. I am getting back into my writing, and my photography and I am just all around getting back to the creative self I seemingly left in LA. I cannot imagine my life without ballet! It saved me. And now there is “Mr. Fantastic”! He’s a doll isn’t he? And he is definitely living his best life right now. His love of theatre and reading up on all of his theatre background reminded me of how much I loved being a part of a show! I have done live show production in a previous life (this one, but it seems like another life time at this point). I have worked in the control room too. I loved it. I loved creating the experience. I loved working with whoever was on stage. I loved being a part of a team, of a family? I loved being a cog in the wheel of putting on the show. I miss it, actually. I had a lot of fun, and a lot of laughs, a lot of sheer terror when everything was on me with a live audience, but I really did have fun. I say all of this to say I am being reminded that it is time to make myself a part of the show again. I guess “Reed” is layering on to the renaissance I am experiencing. I don’t fully know where this crush is taking me, but I am excited to find out. Note: If any of the “superheroes” mentioned above are reading this and spot themselves - I’m always up for some good conversation! 😊😉 If there is one thing a bull doesn’t like, it is being cornered. And this bull is 100% cornered. As much as I would like to blame the circumstances of the last decade, I really only have myself to blame which makes it all the worse. I mean it is much better when there is someone or something to blame other than you. Defeat goes down a little better when it is not your own fault.
I don’t really know what I have done over the past five years. I have never been good at executing. I wasn’t good at it on the soccer field, and I haven’t been good at it in life. Making plans is the easy part. Executing them? Well, I tend to get lost on that part. I get caught up in life and forget about the plans I made. Something comes along and off I am to whatever has my attention at the moment and plans fall to the ground until something makes me remember them. I guess this is the set up for my 2024. When I first moved back to Memphis, I got caught up with old friends and old habits. I even regressed to old spending, old melancholy and old mental patterns. It’s like I regressed 10 to 12 years back and stayed there. I forgot all about my plans. I tried to make a place home that was never meant to be home. Somewhere along the way I forgot about what I wanted for myself and for my career. And then I was ready to roll, ready to do something different, ready for next only next can’t come, can it? I am in a hole not even the biggest and best excavator could get itself out of. 🤦🏻♀️ That’s not to say I wouldn’t risk it all if the right opportunity came along…. For someone who has such a nervous disposition I sure do like rolling the dice! I mean every move I make is a giant leap against all odds and advice. 🤷🏻♀️ The stress of it all is really getting to me. I just need one of the areas to start showing some movement to give me a little hope, a little room to breathe, a little freedom is all I need. Do you ever talk to God expecting Him to be nice and caring? Well, lately I’ve been bleeding my heart out to Him and He tells me to shut up every time. He uses “Shh”, but same difference really. I decided the other day to write down what I feel like I know is from Him right now and it wasn’t much and it didn’t have much to offer either.
And so this cornered bull has to stop bucking. I can buck all I want, God simply isn’t having it. I am working on changing a lot of the habits that got me into the mess I am in right now. I am continuing to shoot for the stars in terms of employment and will aim lower this summer and eventually aim for the gutter (staying here) in the fall. I am just going to work on me and try for build a ladder out of thin air and just see what happens next. I have a lot of guns pointed at my face right now and any of them could go off any moment and while it looks like I am in pure and total defeat, I would like to think , or maybe I simply have the audacity to think this could be a But God moment. Yes, I am learning so many lessons right now, but God could pull a surprise out of His hat and make this the best year yet. He does it all the time. I had a 2024 reading done. I am not sure why. Every time I have done one, the past and the present is on point, but the future - well, I am still waiting. I actually have two more years, but whatever. I am such an impatient person. This particular reading really rocked me in that it really sang me a song I would love to sing. I am trying to put it all in the back of my mind. I think I even figured out that what was seen as an Emperor coming in was in reality a new man crush that came to my attention a month later.
But what I have not been able to put in the back of my mind was a warning. A tempting. A repeating of a mistake I made in 2014. I know 2014 all too well. It was the year I packed up and left LA. I took myself clear across the country to the east coast. Everything seemed to be lining up and working out and it did for a while, but then everything fell apart. And by everything, I mean everything. I became homeless. Bouncing around in friends spare bedrooms until I finally just left and went back to Memphis. I wouldn’t say Memphis is home. I don’t ever want to say that. But I have some family there and so that is where I went. The decision to leave California put me on a disaster path. I went through seven layoffs. I went through every dime I had and then the pandemic came and completely destroyed me. I’ve always thought that leaving LA was the mistake. That I should have stayed there. Afterall, it is the one place where I was okay. Like really okay. Life was hard there, but it was also good. It didn’t dawn on me till this past week, that perhaps there was a bigger mistake that I had never thought of. My job was no longer working for me. I hated my boss. I wanted out. And when I want out - I only see red. I have realized I tend to stay too long in situations that aren’t serving me. I tend to put up with shit for too long. By the time I realized I really had to go, I was already gone. I waited way too long to start trying to find another job, much less give myself time to decide if I wanted to stay in my career and try doing it somewhere else. All I could see was red and red took me out of my job, out of California and clear across the country to a beach on the east coast to find an easier life and an easier pace. All this time I thought my mistake was the leaving, but I am realizing my mistake was the staying. I had stayed too long. Had I taken time to figure out what I wanted to do next and given myself time to start looking, I would have found something. I would have maybe never left the west coast and maybe never gone through seven layoffs. I maybe wouldn’t be where I am right now. And right now is repeating 2014. I originally planned on leaving my job last summer, but I stayed. Now, I am seeing red. And that red cannot take me to the same place it took me last time. In the reading, I was also told I would be running back to what I ran from. And I am doing that. It turns out easy is boring for me. I need the excitement. I need the fun. I need the challenge. I am in essence trying to run back to what I ran away from. The difference is this time around I know what I need to do and I know what I need to go after. Wish me luck, would you? I honestly can’t take a repeat of what happened from 2016 to 2021. |