I felt like I had been on pause. Like I was standing still and everyone else was moving around me. I was tired. I was sleeping 10 - 12 hours a day. I was extra late for work every day. I couldn’t focus on anything. I forgot assignments and projects that had been handed to me. Workouts that used to be easy felt impossible.
That is how my November, December and January went. I was on pause. I wondered if I suddenly had Seasonal Affective Disorder. I wondered if my hormones were out of whack. I wondered if this is just my new thing for this year as I have had a crazy medical issue every year for the past few years. I never realized what was happening. My brother called me worried about the polar vortex and snow storm coming our way. He told me to go get food and figure something out for if power goes out. He said I might not survive if I lost power. I told him it was okay. I told him I had had a hard life and things just never panned out for me. I told him I didn’t want to fight anymore. I told him it was okay if he let me go. I told him drifting off to sleep in the freezing temperatures sounded like a good way to go and the thought gave me peace.
A couple days later I realized I was very depressed. I guess it came on slow. I just became more and more tired. My mind got fuzzy. I lost interest in almost everything except the one or two things that made me smile. Since I have had some interesting health problems over the past few years I just assumed it was something else creeping up and making it self known. I had no idea I was experiencing depression.
I went to God. I didn’t pray for it to go away or have it taken from me. God knows I have prayed for so many things over the years that He has seemingly ignored. I just wanted to know what I was dealing with. So I asked, Is this physical or is this spiritual? I asked, if this is spiritual, take it away for two days so I know. If it is physical leave it be so I know I need to go see someone and figure out what is causing this.
You know when a thought comes into you head that is not yours? Have you had that before? Like you know it is not you? Not your voice, not your chatter. It startles you because it is not you? I had that in that moment. The voice said, it will be lifted off of you as you move into February and it was.
I don’t know I thought that was crazy. I watched a church service online today and something said got me thinking about the prayers God has recently answered and the ones He seems hell bent on ignoring:
Prayers Answered - Recent and some long term
Prayers God seems to Ignore - all long term
I don’t know. I thought it would help to write some down and look at what He answers and what He seemingly ignores to try to piece together what He’s actually doing. One thing I do see is God is definitely the dad on the front porch holding a rifle when it comes to me. And that is something I asked for when I lost my dad many years ago. I also see Him keeping me in a position of opportunity as in He is keeping me physically and mentally well so that when doors open I can walk through them. Like a dad he watches out for me, but He is leaving the real work up to me.
I have come a long way in terms of my addiction, my anxiety, my self doubt… Fear is something I still have some work to do on. As far as a life partner, I honestly don’t go on a bunch of dates and I really don’t want to. I am not on any dating apps and I don’t want to be either. I know it is so cliche, but I want someone amazing to pop into my life. I’ve always been one of those people who says we are either going to intercept each other or we’re not. I mean I spent most of my twenties and part of my thirties going to all the places and doing all the things and nada. So I know if I am meant to meet that special someone I will. I just haven’t and maybe I won’t. I am in my 40’s now and I have to accept that as an option. I don’t know what will become of me if I don’t have someone in my life, but I can’t worry about that now - it is too far off. Too many roads between here and there and who knows what could be on any of them.
I guess in making my list, I have received the God I actually asked for - the dad on the front porch with rifle ready to strike anyone who does anything to his precious daughter. As much as I love that version of God in my life, I need to let God be God in my life and maybe realize I don’t need the Father figure like I feel like I do.
I don’t know that I can do God justice. I don’t even know if I know God at all. Isn’t this the human condition? I have heard the phrase ‘aren’t we all little gods running around and making chaos out of nothing’ and I am beginning to realize the phrase might be true. There are tons of scriptures overlooked by the church because those scriptures don’t serve their purpose. One of these scriptures is Proverbs 23:7 - For as a man thinks in his heart, so is he. There is also Philippians 4:8 which says to think and focus only on pure, noble, and lovely things. But one of the most troublesome verses comes in Mark by the lips of Jesus, Himself, and says if you tell this mountain to get up and move, and you have faith, that mountain will rise up and go where you told it to go! WHAT????????????????????????????? Do our thoughts really inform our future? Do we really have power over this physical world? And the really icky bit, is my current experience a direct result of my thoughts, feelings, and words spoken up until this point???
I am a very spiritual person. I spread myself across two religions and some new agey things as well. I grew up Christian, but I have an affinity for Judaism. I also have an affinity for astrology and mysticism. I am actually in a Kabbalah class right now. And I have trouble going all in with one. Like right now I am streaming a church service online, but I miss the Judaism. And if I go all in with Judaism, I miss the Christianity. And regardless of the two, I always add in a few other fringe perspectives. I do feel that Christianity could bridge the gap if it wasn’t so afraid of really delving into the words of Christ and the other teachings that are considered valid, but too controversial to include in mainstream religion.
Okay, so going back to the questions above. Do we really have way more power than we realize? Are we literally co-creating our reality with God with every thought and every word? Is this why Jesus says the heart is so important?
I can say that I have been diving deeper into this phenomenon both in Kabbalah and via a book (Project 369). I have been watching my thoughts and my feelings and as Joyce Meyer would say, I have been taking them captive to Christ meaning stopping them in their tracks and reminding myself of the truth of myself, the situation, God and so on to infinity. And what I have found, in the short time I have been doing this, is that perhaps my thoughts and feelings and words do have power. I have been having more serendipitous moments. I have been in a better mood and I have had more things work out. This does not mean everything is rosy. I actually had a man come at me with his truck, slam on his breaks, get out of the truck and cuss me out the other day. But instead of seeing it as a “why me moment”, I saw it as an opportunity to remain calm and wonder what sad woman he belonged to. 🤣
This takes me back to the power of intention. I used the power of intention when I moved to Los Angeles many moons ago. I had read a celebrity say you can find anything you want there so you need to be very intentional about who and what you want to find. And I was, very intentional and I found what I was looking for in terms of the greatest group of friends I have probably ever had. Friends that appreciated me for who I am quirks and all. It turns out I had never experienced that kind of friendship before. I was intentional and it worked. I am now using the power of intention to transform my current situation. I write my three intentions and I speak my three intentions and I pray over my three intentions and I trust the universe and God (the two might be the same) to deliver what is in my best interest.
My intentions for 2024 are quite exquisite, but why not? I’m in a situation that requires full transformation so let’s do this!
Wishing you all a very lovely holiday season and a Happy, Happy, New Year!
Gratitude is a funny thing. It can be so hard to have any of it at times, but if you force yourself to make a list, you often find you have so much more to be thankful for than you could ever imagine. Don’t believe me? Try it. Make a list. It might start out with something simple and stupid like…
1.Roof over head.
2.Car that runs.
3.Food on table.
You might feel stupid. You might feel shame. But often you find yourself starting to add more to your meager little list…
4.Trails near by to hike
5.Online Ballet classes to make my inner child smile
8.Beautiful skies, deer, and butterflies
9.Smooth Jazz and Solfeggio Frequencies
After listing some things that bring you joy you might start to list things that don’t bring you joy but also are working well for you like…
10.My boss lets me come in late every single day.
11.Even though I hate my commute, I am glad I have started listening to K-Love again
12.The new cafe at work so I can grab coffee a couple of times a week
13.The Kabbalah class that is helping me overcome my main issue
14.My little suburb - it is far away from everything but it has some nice stuff too and it is safe!
After you have listed some things that are helping you even though you wish you didn’t need that help you might find yourself going deeper and listing what you don’t like because you now see how it is being used to propel you forward…
15.My job - it is setting me up for a career in a field with great hours and time off and it is a field that is good for women
16.Lack of Quality Friendships - the quit space has allowed me to turn inward, to read, to write, to dance and to flow. The quiet space has provided a needed transformation. I am at peace with what is and what will be for maybe the first time ever.
17.Memphis - the journey my soul has been on here is unreal. I have changed so much since I came back and I know I will be leaving much stronger, smarter, and more soul centered than ever. I can say with confidence I am ready for whatever lies ahead.
And then you realize everything good and bad has been happening for your growth, for your benefit, for what lies ahead of you… And you can’t help but smile in the warmth created by realizing it really is all for you.
After I moved back to the very flat land that is western Tennessee, my brother suggested I take up golf. His argument was that if you like being outside in nature, golf is one way to do that. The golf courses are usually very nice and pretty with trees and ponds galore. It was his way of helping me find something to do in the area since I was no longer in the land of mountains and lakes and oceans. And so I got a couple of used clubs and ventured over to a driving range and tried hitting some balls. It would be a couple of years before I started to really grasp the game and the different swings with the different clubs and irons, but I did eventually catch on and I liked it.
Golf is a mental game. Most people who become golfers are attracted to the mental side of the game. I refer to it as more of a mind fuck these days, but it does teach you a lot about life.
One of the biggest lessons I have learned on the course that I am trying to take off the course is the idea that one cannot focus on the whole course and expect to win. Instead, you have to focus solely on the hole you are playing, the swing you are swinging, because each swing brings its own set of problems. Every swing I take on the course has the potential to make me jump for joy or writhe in disbelief and defeat - not unlike every move I make in life. On the golf course you have to learn to enjoy the game for what it is - a total mind fuck. Or I guess better words would be you have to enjoy the problem solving of it all. You have to enjoy the ups and the downs. You have to learn to manage your emotions and not take it personally if you open the round with two pars and close with eight quadruple bogeys. In golf you have to cling to that last time you had a great day or a great hole even if it was two years ago. I think more than anything golf teaches you to enjoy the journey, the journey of being alive here on this planet.
In life we have good years and bad years. We have plans we execute well and end up with a loss that rattles us to our core. We also experience moments where no matter what we do it ends up perfect and those times can perplex us even more. In golf the only end game is to get better at golf, and in life the only end game is to enjoy the time we have - neither offers a concrete end goal or path to fulfillment. Both are about enjoying the journey and I think golf teaches you the how as you continue to play. Maybe that is the caveat - you just have to continue to play - in golf and in life.
The past seven years have been tough. Out of nowhere a string of crazy, strange and serious health problems emerged and now that I am on the other side I am wondering what in the hell just happened to me? And Why?
Everything started around seven years ago. I had just left Los Angeles and was living on the coast in Florida because I couldn’t fathom going back to my home town. I had a great roommate and I was a mere 10 minutes from the Atlantic Ocean. Everything was going well until I started to develop a spastic colon that kept me, well, in the bathroom for more time than I would care to admit. I had horrible pain and cramps and sudden evacuation was non-negotiable. And to make things even more fun I started losing my hair. You know how guys tend to have that V hairline as they age? Well, I was sporting that on and off for about four years. My hair line came and went just like my spastic colon. I gave up so many foods and got all kinds of testing to no avail. Every single test came back with a clean bill of health and a physician who just shrugged his shoulders.
And just like that my colon and revolving hair line problems disappeared. A new era had begun. One that would include large amounts of blood in my urine on an almost daily basis. I again went to all kinds of specialists I would have rather not gone to. Every test, scan, wash, etc, came back clean. This occurred over the course of a year and to this day no one knows what happened. I know I probably lost some hair to that one. I mean if you look that scenario up the options are all very scary and very serious.
Just as before, the blood just vanished from my urine. And a new problem emerged shortly after. This one has left me with a lot of reverberations. Large scale vertigo attacks that came out of nowhere and would last for around an hour meaning I was on the floor of wherever I was at the time of the attack for around an hour keeping my eyes closed and trying not to vomit. It was to say the least, extremely interruptive. On top of that, I typically felt like complete shit for two - three days after an attack and since I had them on an almost weekly basis my life dwindled quickly to a very base level of survival. After an attack, I was useless. My brain was foggy, and everything felt like I was walking through very thick mud. I just couldn’t function. It was bad. I again went to doctors and had scans, ultrasounds, tests… and nothing. Not one damn thing could be found. I had a clean bill of health. These attacks would last for a little over one year and then vanish without a trace.
And then? Nothing. I was left with a body that had been through way too much and a whole bunch of weight. I had gained 30 pounds! I had yoga poses I could not do because I had a stomach in the way. Ugh. I was exhausted, fat, and unhappy. I was also different. I couldn’t do a lot of the things I had done before this almost decade of woe. My energy levels were different, my metabolism was different and my activities had to change.
And then just like that to coin the phrase again, my metabolism started to pick back up. I became ravenous, but now I could eat without fear of sudden evacuation. To date, I have only lost 10 pounds. It is slow, but also steady. I see a pattern where I drop two to three pounds then go back up and then ever so slowly slide back down and then repeat. It has to be a Guinness World Record for slowest weight loss ever, but I am fine as long as my heath issues stay away and my weight slowly descends back to a number I am more accustomed to.
So I titled this patience, which I have not spoken about. I guess I did have patience through out those seven or so years. I was so wrapped up with what my body could and could not do I did not have time to care so much about the other stuff. Isn’t it strange that life was easier when I was facing major health issues than it is now that I am not? Now is when I need all the patience I can muster. I am on the mend. Things are looking better on the health front and so now, I am keenly aware of everything else. I have never been more depressed than I am right now. I have never been more unhappy than I am right now. I have never been more shattered than I am right now. It is like I am waking up from a bad nightmare to see that I lost seven years and I haven’t made any gains in any area of my life. Now is when I need patience the most. I guess I no longer have a reason for all that has not materialized. Maybe it is not patience I need at all. Perhaps I need faith and that is something I am low on as well. Becoming homeless really jarred me and even though I am still here to tell the tale - it changed everything I ever believed about God and the Universe. Perhaps what I need right now is faith that God hasn’t decided that He is done with me. And patience to be willing to stick around to see what’s out there, to see what’s next…