What do I want to write about?  I don’t know.  I got nada in my head.  Nada.  I got nada in my life right now too.  Nada.  I feel like I am slowly going insane with all of the nada happening right now.  There is too much nada, but this is how it has to be right now.

The weather is so hot and humid and thick and gross and I have been staying indoors.  Interesting thing is I’ve only had one migraine this summer and one vertigo attack this summer.  I am assuming it is due to the fact that I am staying inside and losing my mind.  My outdoors time rejuvenates my mind and my soul.  It also provides social time and has always been a way for me to make friends.

I am definitely struggling this summer.  Work is absolutely insane right now and I don’t make enough money to be putting up with this shit. It is partly par for the course in higher education.  Summer is always the time of year everyone jumps ship so to speak.  Throw in a restructuring and a lay off and well you have insanity.  I have had to basically recruit, interview, and hire for the entire Athletics department, a quarter of faculty across campus, and many staff for departments that are rebuilding, plus I have all those other day to day things I do that are just not getting done.  Good news is by middle of August everything should calm down.  Bad news is I have to continue this sprint until middle of August.

I really need my nature time, my social time, my go on a little trip time, but I don’t have any of that right now.  I am having to keep in mind that in 6 - 8 months I will be ready to blow this popsicle stand and hopefully enjoy a new little adventure both in career and in everything else.  I’m in the home stretch!  I keep screaming at myself.  The wait is going to be worth it I keep telling myself.  I mean I must have some good Karma coming my way, right?.

The movies lie don’t they?  So do books.  You always see characters hit the home stretch and BAM! Second Wind!  Renewed Strength!  Renewed Determination!  Of course you hear runners say this too and I was never that kind of runner either.  Maybe its just not in my blood to fight so hard.  Maybe I am more of a float on down the river and discover what I discover kind of person.  Nevertheless, I am staying the course and losing my mind in the process.

I’m really hoping for an early winter this year.  Or maybe I should say an early fall.  Here in the mid-south, it will be ugly, humid, and hot until middle of October.  I am really hoping that Old Man Winter pisses everyone else off and comes in early.  I need him!  I need to be back out on a trail, a path, a waterway…. And to do that I need the frying pan turned down a bit.

I don’t know.  This is probably why I have never really tackled all of my debt because to do so means this right here: doing nothing but work.  I need to change my scenery often.  I need to explore a city, a park, go see a show, go be a show…I need to live life and I will do so again… in 6 - 8 months.

​Well, when I post this publicly, it will be my other birthday, some call it the non-belly-button birthday.  Mine used to be in August, but now it is June 10th.  Everything I am going through right now is because I lost my August date.  However, had I not lost my August date,  I wouldn’t have the peace I have around my own sobriety.  I guess I was one of those people who needed to relapse, which is weird to say since it is the one thing you are not supposed to do, but I needed it.  I bare knuckled it for 10 years and now I understand why it was so hard for me - I wasn’t done yet.  I hadn’t really proven it to myself.  I’m a Taurus with an Aries moon to say I am stubborn is an understatement.  I had to really prove to myself why I just can’t with alcohol or any other mood altering substance and I finally allowed myself to do just that.

It is weird to be in such a good place mentally and emotionally and such a bad place personally and financially.  On the one hand life is so much easier and on the other life is so much harder.  I am working on tackling the spending spree I went on for almost four years and wouldn’t you know that right as I was starting to buckle at the knee something happened!  By the end of this year I will have over 75% of the debt paid off.  That’s insane.  Especially if you consider my current salary.  I literally do nothing outside of work.  Thank God for NWSL on ION and LPGA!  But the light is starting to shine and the end of the tunnel is coming into view just when I needed it to!  These are the kinds of things they talk about in the rooms.  You keep doing you and keeping your side of the street clean and God will keep being God and things will start happening for your continued growth and development.

My timeline and God’s timeline are apparently about a year apart, but I am getting excited about my next adventure.  It is still a little ways off because I am getting to 80% debt paid prior to considering a move, but I am coming into that home stretch over the next 6 - 10 months.  Besides the last 20% will be a breeze.  I can’t believe what I’ve done thus far!

I also think I am adulting late in life.  I’m adulting in my 40’s.  I’m just thinking about everything very differently.  I can’t really explain it, I just have different priorities and I am wholly based in reality at this juncture. It’s not a bad thing.  I’m evolving a lot right now.  I am a healthier version with straight up boundaries and I am at peace with things I have never been at peace with before.  I don’t know what is coming, I don’t know what my next move will entail, but I am excited to learn and grow some more and I am excited for what I can’t see coming for the first time in a long time.  One thing I have learned this past year is that sometimes surprises are really good!

I always tend to get depressed around my birthday.  Even when life is going really, really well.  This year that is not the issue.  I mean I am mentally, and emotionally well.  I really am.  I am creating healthy habits in all areas of my life and making a lot progress.  It’s just that my patience is wearing thin.  I am about one year into a three year deal and persistence has never been my thing.  I try hard for a little while and then shrug my shoulders and move on to something else.  That’s just who I am.  Only this time I cannot move on.  I must stay the damn course!

I recently looked at the Intentions I had set to be completed by my birthday - the things I was wanting to manifest.  I got none.  I could cheat and say I got part of one because I said I wanted to be healthy and stronger and I have lost over 20 lbs at this writing and one could deduce that to get healthy and strong one has to lose weight and then put on strength so I am giving myself half of that one.  But, yeah, I got nothing else.

I am reading a book called Trust Your Vibes.  I’ve read it before, but it is hitting different this time. In the book, Sonia says something along the lines of asking what your story is now and stay focused on that instead of getting overwhelmed by the future or caught up in the past.  So I have been asking God what is my story now?  What is it?  Hello??? HELLO???  The other day I finally got a response and it wasn’t what I wanted to hear.  It was what I am doing.  Paying off debt.  That’s it.  Nothing more and nothing less, just pay off your damn debt.  You see I am getting bored.  I need something else to work toward, but what can you work towards that costs zero money?  Nada, that’s what.  So my life is apparently going to be paying off debt and looking for a better job or a second job to pay off that debt for the next few years???  This is the pill I am swallowing right now.  It’s one of those giant, grainy pills that somehow never goes down with the water and when it does finally go down it always gets caught in your throat and you feel it for like 20 minutes after it finally sails on down the pipe.

This is my life right now.  My friends are living their best lives going vacation hopping and I am trying to dig myself out of a crater with a tiny plastic spoon.  I just keep telling myself that I must be learning all of these lessons for a reason.  There must be something coming into my orbit, into my life that requires the new and improved Jessica.  There will be good out of this, it’s just that I am far enough into the tunnel that I can no longer see the light from which I came and not far enough in the tunnel to see the light to which I am going.  I am in the dark, but if I keep walking, I know I will eventually begin to see a little light and that little light will grow and grow and grow until I am walking out of the tunnel and into a brand new life.  Until then, you know where to find me - in the pit with my tiny plastic spoon maybe even signing a little tune.

​The Next Iteration: What does one do while waiting for next?

Well one does what one would be doing if next was here!  I am waiting on my next career iteration and while doing so I am doing exactly what I would be doing if I had that next position.  Grant it, I am still currently employed and learning a lot and getting a lot of experience, I just don’t have a salary I can live with.  And trust me I have applied to like a million jobs, but for whatever reason, the door to my next career iteration is closed!  Instead of wallowing in the why me saga, I am moving full steam ahead with my main two focuses for this year: financial wellness and physical wellness.  The interesting part is that my mental and emotional wellness is improving too.

I knew this year was going to be a hermit year, but I didn’t know that would be a positive experience.  I am hermiting so to speak, but with a purpose.  And it is interesting how one purpose is bleeding into the other purpose.  It is indeed true that sometimes we just need to stop and be still and interrupt our routines to find what actually serves us.  It wasn’t until I had forced time alone due to snow storms and holidays that I realized I needed to make some changes.  My current life wasn’t serving me at all.  In Tennessee my friends are all about being at the next restaurant, the next bar, the next festival, the next boutique and of course all of that costs $$$$.  I realized that in both California and Florida my friends were more about going over to someone’s house or meeting at a trail and catching up.  Friend time in California and Florida didn’t have to include all the other stuff.  And it’s not like I don’t go out at all, I am just limiting myself to one or two things a month that cost money.  Which brings me to my first focus: financial wellness.

I am so focused on getting rid of this debt that is hanging over my head.  I am literally putting all of my bi-weekly check into paying off debt.  Maybe even a little too much, because I need to be rebuilding my savings account as well.  I just want that debt gone so bad!  Yes, I know there is debt consolidation and debt relief, but that stuff comes with strings attached and lingering issues and I don’t want any of that.  I got myself into this mess and I can get myself out of it.  When a Taurus decides to do something, even if it seems impossible, stand back and watch us move mountains!  That is exactly what I am doing right now.  If the job situation stays the same then I have two years left on this track.  If it changes for the better, maybe one year.  If it changes for the worse? Well , we aren’t talking about that right now.  I am just laser focused.  I started doing curbside pick up for all of my groceries which is helping too because I can watch my total as I add items to the cart.  I have also noticed this is helping me to buy quality and healthy food. I just don’t think about the sugar when I am searching for items on the grocery website.  It doesn’t even pop into my mind.  My grocery bills are lower and I am eating better than I have in a long time which bleeds into my next major focus: physical wellness.

I mentioned in an earlier blog that I came out of a major, major depression season and upon doing so I tried some workouts from Brie Larson’s trainer, Jason Walsh on the Playbook App.  These workouts were what I still call sneaky effective and sneaky hard.  They were exactly what I needed to get me back into working out and gave me just enough strength to do so really.  I can say that I am back into my daily routine of yoga in the morning and a workout in the evening.  I do a lot of pilates, barre, and straight strength as well as ballet and other forms of dance.  I stopped caring about whether the scale was ever going to change or if I was ever going to see any results on my body and just focused on doing what felt good to me and made me happy.  Food wise, I have completely changed my diet.  I kicked dairy and sugar to the curb - I should have never been eating dairy anyhow - and have finally started to see some results.   It’s not anything to write home about, but the scale has moved down about 15 pounds and I didn’t think that was possible. I am also cognitive of my protein intake which is new for me.  I can also thank Jason for that - I started using his protein powder in a shake for breakfast each day as an easy way to 30 grams of protein and a complete amino acid profile, which I probably rarely get with my diet. The protein powder had an interesting side effect for me - calmness, which made me look at stress supplements to keep that calm going all day. I am keeping stress at bay with adaptogen mocktails and a very small daily dose of Ashwagandha. I am staying more hydrated by taking in less caffeine and adding things like coconut water to my regimen and you know what?  I haven’t had a vertigo attack in a while.  Hmmm…. I have also changed  my vitamin and mineral supplements and am noticing a big difference in mental clarity and daily energy. People are even commenting that something is different about me.  I have a glow, I seem really happy, whatever changes I am making are working for me, etc.

The funny thing is I’m just focusing on bettering myself financially and physically and making the necessary changes in my life to do so.  I am no longer striving for the right man, the it job, the full calendar, the right clothes or any of it.  I just want to pay off my debt, fill my savings account back up, and be a healthier version of me.

Actually, it’s occurring to me that I have been praying for mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health and that is exactly what I am getting!  I guess God is answering one of my prayers after all…

It’s where I am right now in every area of my life.  What does one do when one is stuck and no help arrives?  This is where I feel I am right now.  I am stuck in a low paying job I cannot get out of no matter how hard I try.  I am stuck with a car that repeatedly gets broken into causing me to spend money and time to fix it over and over again.  This car also has an engine oil consumption issue causing me more money all the time.  I am stuck financially mostly thanks to my own doing and have a mountain of debt I am paying off.  I am literally paying in debt what I would be paying for a large apartment in a great and safe neighborhood and thanks to that hole I cannot do anything about the car and am limited in what I can do about the job.  Hence, I am stuck.  And don’t even get me started on some health issues that were once rare and weird occurrences that are now par for the course in my life that make me feel even more stuck.

So again, what does one do when one is stuck and no help arrives?  Well for one, I am going back to basics because I cannot handle much right now.  I am also just taking things as they come like one would do on a trail or a golf course.  I am also allowing myself time to breathe and I am practicing the art of self-forgiveness.  I have a lot to forgive myself for.  But like I said in the last post, I just don’t seem to realize the situation I am in until it is way too late.  I just kept assuming everything would work out and then it didn’t.  I feel like I am learning a necessary lesson way too late in life.  I am thoroughly not prepared for this whole things not working out experience.

I know something will break at some point.  The car will finally get stolen, or jacked up beyond repair. Some entity out there somewhere will give me an opportunity to join their workforce at a better salary.  Hell, I might even meet someone one day that can alleviate some of the pressure I feel - in the form of him having his shit together, not in the form of him clearing my debt - I would never allow that any way.  Actually that’s a red flag.  I don’t need a savior, I need a partner.  I already have a savior anyhow.

Since I am overwhelmed and feeling way too much stress and pressure, I am taking everything back to the basics.  Giving myself one personal project a month and just focusing on paying that debt, keeping my fingers from clicking “buy now” and cleaning stuff out.  That’s it.  Nothing more and nothing less. My fun time will have to be going on hikes or playing some sporadic golf.  I might even go back to church or synagogue.  I feel like I was right about a hermit season this year, but it is a purposeful hermit season, a grounding season.  A time to withdraw to reflect, to learn and to grow in a new direction when opportunity arises.