It’s where I am right now in every area of my life.  What does one do when one is stuck and no help arrives?  This is where I feel I am right now.  I am stuck in a low paying job I cannot get out of no matter how hard I try.  I am stuck with a car that repeatedly gets broken into causing me to spend money and time to fix it over and over again.  This car also has an engine oil consumption issue causing me more money all the time.  I am stuck financially mostly thanks to my own doing and have a mountain of debt I am paying off.  I am literally paying in debt what I would be paying for a large apartment in a great and safe neighborhood and thanks to that hole I cannot do anything about the car and am limited in what I can do about the job.  Hence, I am stuck.  And don’t even get me started on some health issues that were once rare and weird occurrences that are now par for the course in my life that make me feel even more stuck.

So again, what does one do when one is stuck and no help arrives?  Well for one, I am going back to basics because I cannot handle much right now.  I am also just taking things as they come like one would do on a trail or a golf course.  I am also allowing myself time to breathe and I am practicing the art of self-forgiveness.  I have a lot to forgive myself for.  But like I said in the last post, I just don’t seem to realize the situation I am in until it is way too late.  I just kept assuming everything would work out and then it didn’t.  I feel like I am learning a necessary lesson way too late in life.  I am thoroughly not prepared for this whole things not working out experience.

I know something will break at some point.  The car will finally get stolen, or jacked up beyond repair. Some entity out there somewhere will give me an opportunity to join their workforce at a better salary.  Hell, I might even meet someone one day that can alleviate some of the pressure I feel - in the form of him having his shit together, not in the form of him clearing my debt - I would never allow that any way.  Actually that’s a red flag.  I don’t need a savior, I need a partner.  I already have a savior anyhow.

Since I am overwhelmed and feeling way too much stress and pressure, I am taking everything back to the basics.  Giving myself one personal project a month and just focusing on paying that debt, keeping my fingers from clicking “buy now” and cleaning stuff out.  That’s it.  Nothing more and nothing less. My fun time will have to be going on hikes or playing some sporadic golf.  I might even go back to church or synagogue.  I feel like I was right about a hermit season this year, but it is a purposeful hermit season, a grounding season.  A time to withdraw to reflect, to learn and to grow in a new direction when opportunity arises.

It hit me the other day that perhaps I am in what I would call an Adult Pruning Season.  A few years ago, a neighbor whacked the trees in their front yard.  And by whacked, I mean they left only the trunk and the stubs of the limbs.  It looked so weird and I laughed at it and wondered why they did that, to those beautiful trees.  Later that year, my mother whacked the rose bush in her front yard and I mean that thing looked like she had flat out destroyed it.  She also took it down to its stubs and I thought it would never bloom again.  But, I was wrong.  I was wrong about both, actually.

Am I those trees or that rose bush?  Have I been whacked to the point of stubs?  Am I to bloom again?  Will my life bloom again?

If you asked me these questions even a couple of months ago, I would have said no. God has been giving me the silent treatment and showing me all of the things I need to fix in my life. Now, I’m in Maybeville. I was crying out to God about one or all of the many things lacking in my life (I don’t really remember) but I do remember a thought that came into my head that wasn’t mine. That thought said, Didn’t you ask to be expedited?  Didn’t you want the fast version?  And the answer is yes, I did ask for just that.  I’m too old to take the slow route!  I need shit to come together.  I don’t have years and years to figure this crap out.  And then I thought about those trees and that rose bush.  The ones I laughed at and wondered why they did what they did to those beautiful trees.  I felt bad for the rose bush.  It was once beautiful and it had been turned into a sad heap of sticks poking out of the ground. I feel like I am that rose bush right now.

The thing is that rose bush did bloom again.  In fact it is the bush I routinely take pictures of because it seems to be on its own bloom schedule and blooms throughout the year in the weirdest times.  It’s very pretty these days.  And those trees?  Well, they are growing, and they were fun to watch grow.  The next spring the stubs sprouted leaves and each year after they began to take more shape until they looked like little trees with a giant trunk.  Who knew the whacking would spur the growth needed to ensure a healthy and beautiful tree and bush.  I guess if you are into gardening you might know that, but what I did not know is that the same applies to us.  At least that is what I am hoping.  That is what the thought that wasn’t mine insinuated.  Perhaps I am learning a lot of lessons at once so I can move forward into the life that is waiting for me.  I can’t see it yet, I can’t even envision being anywhere other than where I am right now, but I am starting to feel that the lessons must be for a reason.  I am working on some defects of character right now.  I am working on focusing on some responsibilities that I just pretended didn’t exist for far too long. I always kept thinking something would happen and I would’t have to worry about those responsibilities, but it turns out I do.  Again, Eminem and one of his songs has become my mantra for 2025.  I literally listen to it every day because I have to otherwise, I forget what the song is teaching me. I do vaguely remember thinking he was cool back in the day or at least I remember my friends and I using the phrase “watch it, I’m from the Eminem generation” that was apparently a threat we would make on the regular.  I don’t remember much else.  Looking into him now, he is a great example of someone who got their shit together, is he not?

My prayers are changing too.  I’m done asking for certain things and getting into specifics with God.  It’s not like it has ever worked anyway and all I do is run my life into the ground over and over again so why am I still trying to be in control?  I’m leaving the specifics to God these days.   I actually got one of these payers from psychic Chip Coffee (again it takes all kinds).  I have begun praying his HASH prayer: I pray to be Happy, Abundant, Safe, & Healthy.  I also pray to be Mentally, Emotionally, & Spiritually Well (& Financially Well too).  I pray this for myself, my family, my friends, and whoever else comes to mind.  Again, a lot of the changes I am seeing in myself right now are internal changes, but those are the changes that make all the difference.  The internal changes are what allow for the external changes.

With everything that is going on in our country right now, and the circumstances of my life right now, I don’t even know what to pray for but those two prayers I shared above seem like a good place to start.  I mean if I am mentally, emotionally, and spiritually well… if everyone around me was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually well…

2025 doesn’t feel like a fresh start, if anything, it feels like the last three years continued.  I have been brought face to face with my inability to realize the situation for what it is.  I am being reminded of each and every time God has provided a miraculous way out and I swatted it away.  I am being reminded of the many times God has tried to set me up in careers some only dream about and I said No.  I am being reminded of the insanity of my own mind and my own inability to surrender no matter what situation I am putting myself in.  I am being shown just how blind and defiant I am.  This has been my last month of 2024 and so I ask why?  What am I to do with this knowledge of my own ineptness?

I fee like I am entering a time of withdrawal. I am letting go.  I am giving up.  I am of a singular focus.  I am entering a hermit season.  2025 is the year of the hermit for me.  I have one focus and that is to get a better paying job and pay off around $10K of my debt.  And then repeat that for the next three years.  The problem is I always get side tracked.  I can never stay on course.  Life happens and I get caught up in it and forget the goals or aims I had.  Like when I first moved back to Memphis, I was only supposed to be here for like a year or two tops to regroup and zoom right back out to one of the coasts. But I got caught up in friendships and jobs and hobbies and family and I just forgot all about saving money and leaving Memphis.  I have never been good at staying the course which is where the hermit part comes in.  I need to have one singular focus.  I can’t care about anything else.  I am realizing I can only focus on one thing at a time and right now it has to be my own financial well being.

There is a lot I am not saying here.  And it has to do with my being in and out of sobriety and even when I am in sobriety my own isms will run riot me into a grave. I have been sober for a year and six months as I type this and it was a year and some months into my sobriety this time around that I started realizing my isms are killing me way faster than any substance ever could. I came to this realization through music.  I had a dream and Eminem was in it.  The blonde, cocky, asshole Eminem from Eight Mile, not the cute one Mike Tyson punched.  I don’t typically dream and usually deem any dreams a message, but this one I chalked up to WTF.  A week went by and I recalled the dream again and decided to look him up to see what he’d been doing since Eight Mile and it was a hell of a lot. Every song I decided to check out had something to do with his own reflections on addiction and those songs got me to see my own story in a very different light. He even posts his chip every year like I used to.  And so I decided to check out some Zoom meetings.  I actually love hearing from people all over the world and the country.   While I don’t need the program to stay sober, I do need the program to fight my isms.  They apparently require constant attention.  Looking back, I have always been a better me when I was in the program and so I will give the program another go this time for the isms, because the obsession that plagued me for my first ten years of sobriety has finally been lifted.

But I guess all this goes back to my inability to see the situation for what it is.  I have thoroughly run my life into the ground yet again.  But it’s okay.  I am actually okay.  I am glad I learned the lessons I finally learned.  I am glad I finally proved to myself that I cannot drink and need the program for my isms and I am glad I understand my insane impulsiveness and consumption tendencies. All of this is good.  I am glad I understand I have an issue seeing the situation for what it is.  I am glad I understand I don’t know how to do life on life’s terms. All of this is setting me up for what is coming next. Now, I can actually start getting somewhere. I don’t need to walk into 2025 defeated. ‘How easy can I let it be to pay off the debt I have created’  How Easy Can I Let It Be….This is the energy I restarted this blog with (and subsequently forgot about) And this is the energy I need to carry into 2025. Besides, God has been talking to me again.  That still small voice is there again and I have listened.  The other day I wanted to make a Zoom meeting I pretty much always enjoy, but something told me to not rush it.  And so I did not make the meeting.  I ended up in another Zoom meeting later in the day, where I listened to a guy tell quite a story, and I knew without a doubt I was supposed to hear him.  I immediately knew that while it is important to know where all I have gone wrong, it doesn’t end there.  He is the God of a million chances and maybe even a million more. Thanks for letting me share.

I have been reflecting a lot lately.  I feel like the fall and winter are perfect times to reflect on what has worked, what hasn’t and what direction the winds seem to be blowing.  I can say that I spent the majority of this year trying to be somewhere else.  It didn’t happen and now I am thinking it might be for the best.

I feel like I am coming to a spiritual surrender of sorts.  I am in one of those moments where the mess I have created could swallow me whole.  I tried may darnedest to make several things happen or change this year and none of them did.  And perhaps the aforementioned mess is why.  I really am in between a rock and a hard place and there are several bubbling disasters that could put me in ruins depending on when they finally boil over.

I was listening to K-Love one day and the radio personality, as they call them these days, was sharing about a prayer she had prayed and how a few years later her life was completely different in the best way.  It wasn’t what she wanted or planned, it was entirely different and entirely better.  I thought to myself at the time, this is what I need!  And so I prayed the prayer too hoping for something to come and make this life of mine worth something or at least more fun.  I cannot remember the prayer for the life of me and maybe I’m not supposed to.  Maybe if I did I would start editing it or obsessing over it.  I know it was something along the lines of do with me what you will or make my life what you want it…you know similar to the Jesus take the wheel scenario, but it was somehow very different at the same time.  Anywho, it has been a few months now and while nothing in my life has changed, I, myself, am starting to change.  Some of the things I have been chasing, I don’t want to chase anymore.  I’m evolving. It could be my desires are being aligned with God’s plans or it could be that desires I never realized I had are being revealed.  I do tend to get blinded by the light so to speak.  Maybe I’m starting to see clearly.  All I know is the only thing changing is me.

I’m getting more focused too.  I have been using my intentions again and I started off with three ever important intentions: financial freedom, meet husband, have more fun.  I was later guided to focus on one and I picked the financial freedom.  I’m in the process of paying things off and shedding belongings and simplifying everything really.  I have been doing this for the past year and will be doing it for the next year or two or three depending on what happens work wise.  This is my main focus and the biggest stressor I have so if I can get it knocked off I will be better able to have more fun and meet someone.  It would take a very understanding person and probably someone with a recovery background of their own to even entertain my life right now.

And so this is where I am.  In a surrender of sorts, where I can’t help but surrender because I am changing, my desires are changing, what I thought I wanted is changing and I’m not sure what the next right move is anymore and so I surrender and focus on the financial freedom and leave the rest to God.  I was told by a psychic that 2024 was a Golden Bridge year for me meaning it is the year I become who I need to be for all that God has in store for me​.  And I think she might have been right after all, just not in the way she saw it.

Family is an interesting concept.  It brings both joy and sadness.  Happiness and Anger. Relief and Stress.  Some family is given to us and other family is chosen by us.  Regardless of origin, we all need some form of family in our lives.

I come from one of those families that don’t tend to keep in touch.  I lost my dad in my 20’s and I’ve never spoken to his side of the family since.  To be honest, I didn’t speak to his side of the family much before that.  My mother’s side is the only family I have known.  I have great aunts and uncles that have kept in touch with me over the years.  Mainly because one of those aunts took on the role of grandmother because I lost both of mine when I was still learning how to walk.  Even so I do have cousins on my mother’s side who have never spoken to me as adults.  So my given family currently consists of my mother, brother, four aunts and an uncle. Most of whom are 70 and above.  My mother and father had one of those whirlwind romances, the kind where you meet and within a few months you are married.  They were both only children.

My chosen family is a family that keeps growing, thankfully, and they are spread around the country.  Being as such, we don’t keep in touch like we used to, but I have a lot of soul friends out there.  We just pick back up where we left off even with years and multiple evolutions of ourselves between us.

Something I really need to work on is a local family.  People I can see and spend time with in the here and now.  I am so focused on getting out of where I am that I have stopped trying to cultivate new friendships locally.  Of course, many of the friendships I have cultivated here have already moved out of the area.  People think Los Angeles is transient, I say Memphis is transient mainly because people who move from up north or out west tend to leave quickly.  Actually, I have more friends still in Los Angeles, than those still in Memphis.

Family can also be tough when you believe opposite of each other which is my current boat.  My entire family is extremely conservative.  They all voted for Trump and are doing victory dances online and in real life.  I have always been the oddball out from day one.  I mean the entire family has birthdays within the span of a few months and I’m out there all my myself in the middle of the year.  Everyone in my family eats traditional southern cooking and I don’t eat meat or dairy.  I see everything different from those who I call family.  I’ve always been a part of my given family, but I never felt like I belonged to it.  And it has come to my attention that some of my extended family didn’t know what to do with me either.  Some of them would bite their tongue around me when I was a teenager because they didn’t want me thinking the worst of them.  This whole being together but separate happens in chosen family too.  I have friends that I connect with and have a great time with and trust and see many things the same as they do, but we also have some very big differences - mainly in how we each live our day to day lives.  I have a lot of friends that I would never do in a million years some of the things they have done.  I just wouldn’t.  Luckily this hasn’t caused any issues in our friendships.  They know who I am and I know who they are and we just roll on individually, but also, together.  Our shared values keep us connected, I guess.

Of course there is also the family we create with one other person, our life partner.  I don’t have one of those.  I haven’t even come close to having one, actually.  I think a large part of my life was just spent on other things.  I am interested though.  If anyone was going to come into my life for the rest of it, now would actually be a good time.  I am very concrete in who I am, what I believe about myself, and the world around me, and I know what I want in the other person.  Much of my life has been a constant shedding of identity and starting a new one, but I think the shedding is finally complete.  I have found me and so perhaps he can now find me too.

As we are getting closer to 2025, I am hopeful to expand my chosen family.  I want people in my corner who believe in me, appreciate me, and can help me better navigate life.  More on this next month….