While I have had to say more than my fair share of goodbyes, three major ones stand out.  My grandfather (maternal), my father, and now my great aunt (maternal) who served as a surrogate grandmother since my grandmother departed this world when I was only 2 years old.  I was only 15 when I lost my grandfather and so I don’t remember much about it other than I cried as if my world was ending for the entire funeral.  He was a safe space for me.  Someone I could talk to about anything and I received zero judgement in return. I lost that when he went on to the next world.

I have been lucky that the two major losses I have encountered in my adult life afforded me the chance to say goodbye. One I knew was a goodbye, the other I did not.  When my dad departed, he was in the hospital with stage 4 melanoma.  We had to take him one night when the pain was just too much and he needed to be in the hospital.  He had wanted to try to die peacefully at home, but that wasn’t in the cards.  He had a constant stream of visitors coming to pay their final respects, many of whom were in shock because Melanoma doesn’t play around.  He was diagnosed and gone within a year.  During this ever evolving door of visitors, I just one day went ballistic.  I was screaming and had a fire in my soul that said it was time to say our goodbyes and so we did.  We stopped the visitor train and we each had some time with him to tell him everything we wanted to and shortly after he passed.  I am so glad I had that time with him.  We did not have the greatest relationship.  I did love him and I still do, I just wasn’t able to show it while he was alive.  I was deep in my addiction and it would be many years before I finally broke out of it.

My great aunt/surrogate grandmother just passed this week.  The last time I saw her was last year at the end of May.  She was a skeleton then, but still living in her home with her husband who passed a few months later.  Over the past year she moved into a facility that she did not want to be in and we lost the ability to communicate with her because she was not given a phone by my two aunts who put her in that home.  My mom is really struggling because she thought about making a trip out to see Betty (my great aunt) and check out this place she was in, but she also didn’t want to start something with the two aunts who had been dealing with all of the issues that come with caring for two aging adults that really should either have around the clock care in the home or be in a facility that provides around the clock care.  My mom even had a prompting to go last month, but decided against it as she, herself has been dealing with a myriad of health issues.  Nevertheless, Betty passed this week.  We did not get to see her and we are not even sure if she understood why our phone calls suddenly stopped over the past few months.  This didn’t sit well with me either, but while talking to God about it, it occurred to me that I was able to say goodbyes that I didn’t know where goodbyes over this past year.  Different phone calls where I went over how I have utilized things she has given me, and why I will always make sure she has some Christmas goodies (because she brought Christmas to me every year growing up).  I got to thank her for the gifts, the time spent, and the determination to be a grandmother two her sister’s two grandchildren.  And this is what gives me comfort.  God knew there wasn’t going to be a goodbye so he sprinkled in goodbyes throughout her last year on this planet.  And for that I am forever grateful.

I am at that age where you really start realizing all of this temporary.  Where you start doing the math regarding parents and what not and you realize you don’t have that many more Christmas’s or Birthdays left with your loved ones.  I am allowing it to remind me of what matters most in this life.  I am allowing it to make me rearrange some of my priorities.  I am allowing it to help me cherish time spent with loved ones whether I am enjoying it or not, because one day I won’t even have the option.  I guess it is also a wake up call to just enjoy life more.  Find the good in who and what you can and focus on that good and allow that good to lead you forward.  We come into this world with nothing and we leave this world with nothing.  The middle is the experience of being fully human.  What kind of human are you?  What kind of human do you want to be?

Changes are coming, but they are not mine.  And that sucks.  My closest friend is looking like she might be relocating earlier than expected and I guess that is alright, after all I am trying to relocate too.  It’s just not working out right now.

My car gave me a scare this week and it has me thinking about when I am going to unload it.  I mean it needs some tender loving care and I am wondering if I should have sold it when I had someone willing to take it on.  The longer I have it the more the issues and the more unattractive it becomes and there is the fact that waiting till I get another job could pose a problem especially if that job is a relocation.  Moving and buying a car can be a bit expensive.

I just keep thinking something is going to give, but it seems more probable that a pig might fly, at least that’s how I feel right now.  I had options, but they all came with a red flag so I passed and now the well seems to have run dry and the options I have now are for a lot less and in less attractive areas.  Again, did I hold too long, like I might be doing with my car?  I just don’t know.

I had a great vacation.  The only problem is that every time I get away from work I come back more determined to leave said work and said city.  It’s not getting any easier.  I am ready for a new adventure and I hope it is somewhere near a coast.  I do better on the coast.  I don’t have any water in my astrological chart so I need it in real life.

I have also been having to be easy with myself in all of this heat.  The main issue being it is really hot in the house I stay in and it is really hot in my office.  This is actually the first place I have worked that wasn’t freezing all year round.  I mean I use to live in Florida and in Southern California and I wore long sleeve shirts, closed toed shoes, and cardigans in the summer because it was so cold in the office.  I don’t have that right now and it is causing issues.  I overheat very easily and not having a break is proving problematic.  I usually do less outside in the summer heat, but this year I have had to completely change my workouts.  I just can’t do much in a warm indoor environment.  I have also had to be easy on myself in terms of rest.  I have been neglecting the home and allowing myself to rest more.  I just need the rest in these conditions.

I listened to a podcast called Average Episcopalian and on this episode they were talking about how to actually do the sabbath and what sabbath actually means and why we, in our modern culture have such a hard time resting.  I mean if I think about it, I can allow myself a little bit of rest, but then I start to feel guilty for not being more productive.  And I live alone with no one to nag me so I imagine adults living with family or friends feel that much worse about straight chillin on a Saturday or Sunday.  It is also worth mentioning that observing the Sabbath, a day of rest, a day of ceasing all work, is a command from God and in the 10 Commandments.  So why can’t we rest?  Why do we feel guilty?  And why hasn’t the church pushed this on us like they push the rest of the 10 Commandments?  

I invite you to munch on this with me during the rest of this summer season.  And see if you also have trouble ceasing everything for a day. 

It has been so busy that I forgot about my blog and my sober birthday.  Summer in my current position is always super busy and hectic.  The president is always making a lot of moves meaning some people are coming in and others are leaving.  On top of his moves we also have the regular higher education shuffle that happens in the Spring/Summer.  Everyone makes their moves while school is out.  This means I am very busy and what should be a catch up time or a time to work on some much needed projects turns into a hectic race to the start of the Fall semester.  We also have Fridays off in the summer, which I do love, but it makes the four days left a master sprint and I feel like a nurse getting off from a 4-10 or a 3-12.  I am exhausted and I just want to chill.

It’s also really hot here in the mid south.  I am sensitive to heat and it is just brutal outside.  I have probably done my last hike until October.  I will still try to do some walking like at 6 or 7 AM, but most of my outdoor life is reserved for patios from June thru September.  I would really like to live somewhere that allows for year round walking and hiking.  But, since I don’t - I ballet instead.

It’s also been difficult at work lately.  There are a lot of changes happening and I have been working directly with the President and trying to get a feel for how to work with someone that never shows his cards.  Not ever.  Unless he blows a fuse, and that is rare.  I really feel for his cabinet.  I don’t think I could work like that.  I need to know if I am near the mark, hitting the mark or out in left field.  I also have some people that just don’t like to listen to anything I have to say and even some who think I don’t have a right to speak.  I work in human resources, but HR at this school does not have the same authority that HR has at other schools.  It’s annoying and belittling sometimes and that is how I feel after finishing this week.  I am over talent acquisition and I have two female managers who don’t want me to be involved in their hiring process, but I have to be and they are resentful of this fact and treating me as such.  They are really giving “rude ass bitch” vibes and that does make me question both of their abilities to be effective people managers.  And I am not afraid to speak to their VP either.  I would just rather not have to have the conversation.  I would rather work somewhere where following policy and procedure is more of the norm.  And I have been trying to leave, it just hasn’t worked out yet.

I had a carrot dangled in front of me and that was really disappointing.  It was a salary above what I am shooting for and came with flexible hours. In this position, I would be over recruiting, onboarding, off boarding and people engagement. The interview went great, but I did not make the second round.  Interviews have been very hard to come by.  I had some luck at the beginning of my search and had another amazing opportunity, but it was grant funded and it scared me to relocate for a position that was grant funded so I declined.  After that it was months before I got two more interviews, one being the carrot.  It’s starting to feel like I am trapped and I am sure other people are feeling this way too.  The job market is tough right now and there is nothing in my current city except manufacturing opportunities.

And yes, my sober birthday came and went and I didn’t even think about it.  I don’t do the meetings anymore.  It has worked much better for me this time around to not do meetings.  I think I just needed to actually be done. And I am.  Having said that, I am very much an energy person and I don’t like to be around people who have the energy of needing to have a substance.  This time around in sobriety I am much more picky about who I spend time with.  Anyone in my life is either sober for their own reasons or drinks very little - like a drink and nothing else.  It has to do with the energy.  And I am happy living life this way.

I guess my goal for this summer, is to get through this summer and I am still holding out hope that I will find and land a new opportunity before faculty and students return in August.  What about you?  Do you have any summer goals this year?  And how do you handle the busy season in your respective field?

I am a May Baby.  My birthday is always around Mother’s Day and quite often the same weekend.  Perhaps that is why I am not big on celebrating it.  There’s something bigger happening.  When I do celebrate, it is usually later in the month when people are actually available.

This year’s birthday is hitting a little harder this year.  It’s been a tough year with a lot of ups and downs and bad surprises so I am a little tired.  I am also going through a lot of bad surprises and sharp turns at work, which adds to the stress of it all.  Like much of my life, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and it complicates things.  I have been looking for a new opportunity for what feels like forever with not much luck.  It has me wondering if I need to change what I am searching for.

This afternoon I used a deck of oracle cards I have and asked a simple question: What should I manifest (or focus on) right now?  I pulled the following cards:

Free Your Creativity
Embrace Your Inner Guidance
Let Go
Pivot - answer

I have been trying to do more of what I like.  I find I often trap myself in a whole bunch of “shoulds” to achieve ends I don’t end up achieving so why not just do what I want instead?  I have a lot of stressors right now (stubborn weight, health of myself and a family member, a new new boss I don’t trust, budget cuts, my own financial crisis)  And I haven’t been able to make headway on any of my goals for this year.  I do, indeed need to Pivot and probably in more areas and in more ways than I am currently thinking.  The picture on the card has a woman who appears to be dancing or frolicking on a mountain road.  All of the cards together invoke a sense of play so maybe I need to play a little more in life and play a little more with life and see where all the play takes me.

Have I mentioned that in the past I did a little rock climbing?  Back when I was much lighter and in much better shape.  A friend in LA got me into it.  Between my fear of heights and my lack of any grip at all - it was a challenge I was willing to take on and I loved it.  I don’t know - the whole rock in a hard place got me thinking of my rock climbing days and that perhaps there is an answer there.  I went on a hike yesterday and it was one of those looks super easy, but as you venture down the trail you realize there is quite a bit of delicate foot placement.  I actually had someone apologize for having so much trouble and wished she could effortlessly flow over all of the tricky spots like I did.  I brought up my rock climbing days and boulder field days and explained that in rock climbing you are always surveying the terrain to find the next spot that a toe, heel, thumb, or finger can go and I do the same on the trail - it just comes naturally to me.  I explained it is just a different way of seeing the terrain that comes with trail experience and that she had nothing to apologize for.

I have always said I wanted to take who I am on the trail and make it who I am in everyday life and maybe that ’s the pivot.  It sounds crazy, but I’ve never connected that particular dot until right now.

Daylight is back!  But it came with unseasonably warm temperatures and I don’t know how I feel about it.  I’m conflicted, which is my usual state of affairs.  Summer and Winter are very different seasons with very different activities for me.  And I am, I guess, grieving the sudden loss of some of my winter activities.

I love summer.  I really do.  I need the sunlight and I love the sunlight.  I am a sunlight fein.  Unfortunately, I am also a melanoma survivor which means I have to be careful in the sunlight.  I have to wear hats, use UV Shampoo and Conditioner, wear SPF skin tints and lip balms, and put SPF on every square inch of my body that might get some sunlight.  I also have a predisposition to easily overheating which can cause migraines and episodes of vertigo.  So you see even though I love the sunlight and need the sunlight, I actually stay indoors more in the warm summer sunshine months.  If I do hike, play golf, or go for walks it is usually early in the mornings.  I tend to shift to doing more dance and barre and pilates since they are indoor activities.  My outside time is usually sitting on a patio in the shade or walking around town with friends in a cute dress.

Winter is my true outdoor time.  I will hike, climb, and explore anything and everything when it is cold outside.  I still have to wear SPF, but not as much of me is exposed.  I can go much longer and farther since overheating is not a concern.  I just throw on some gear and go.  Winter has always been my favorite time of the year until I started getting Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I had a little bit of it this year, but I made a concerted effort to mentally and emotionally enjoy winter since it is my time to explore the outdoors.  I have always wanted to live in the pacific northwest - it has always been a dream destination of mine.  I just don’t know if I would survive now, but I am determined to take back my love of winter.

I have always thought we have the time change backwards.  Don’t we need less light in the summer time to help cool off the insanely hot temperatures and more light in the winter to help us survive the crazy cold temperatures and overcast skies?  I just think it makes more sense to flip the whole daylight savings thing.

Daylight savings and Spring is about new - new blooms, new life, new everything.  And I am hoping this spring brings some much needed new in my life.  Specifically, a new opportunity, some new friends, and while I am not looking for a man,  I would’t be bent out of shape if one showed up, probably more surprised and caught off guard than anything. I honestly wouldn’t know what to do with one.   I am just more focused on fixing my finances, and fixing my body at the moment.  It seems I am part squirrel and put on weight every winter and get it all back off by every fall.  I need to figure out how to not be a marshmallow in the summer months.  One could also deduce, that my putting on weight as soon as I start to look like a snack could also be a form of self protection.  It is true I feel safer if I think I ‘m not attractive and less safe if I am looking like a snack.  But this is a story for another day.

I hope everyone is enjoying the new light, the new blooms and all the new that finds each one of you!