Family is an interesting concept.  It brings both joy and sadness.  Happiness and Anger. Relief and Stress.  Some family is given to us and other family is chosen by us.  Regardless of origin, we all need some form of family in our lives.

I come from one of those families that don’t tend to keep in touch.  I lost my dad in my 20’s and I’ve never spoken to his side of the family since.  To be honest, I didn’t speak to his side of the family much before that.  My mother’s side is the only family I have known.  I have great aunts and uncles that have kept in touch with me over the years.  Mainly because one of those aunts took on the role of grandmother because I lost both of mine when I was still learning how to walk.  Even so I do have cousins on my mother’s side who have never spoken to me as adults.  So my given family currently consists of my mother, brother, four aunts and an uncle. Most of whom are 70 and above.  My mother and father had one of those whirlwind romances, the kind where you meet and within a few months you are married.  They were both only children.

My chosen family is a family that keeps growing, thankfully, and they are spread around the country.  Being as such, we don’t keep in touch like we used to, but I have a lot of soul friends out there.  We just pick back up where we left off even with years and multiple evolutions of ourselves between us.

Something I really need to work on is a local family.  People I can see and spend time with in the here and now.  I am so focused on getting out of where I am that I have stopped trying to cultivate new friendships locally.  Of course, many of the friendships I have cultivated here have already moved out of the area.  People think Los Angeles is transient, I say Memphis is transient mainly because people who move from up north or out west tend to leave quickly.  Actually, I have more friends still in Los Angeles, than those still in Memphis.

Family can also be tough when you believe opposite of each other which is my current boat.  My entire family is extremely conservative.  They all voted for Trump and are doing victory dances online and in real life.  I have always been the oddball out from day one.  I mean the entire family has birthdays within the span of a few months and I’m out there all my myself in the middle of the year.  Everyone in my family eats traditional southern cooking and I don’t eat meat or dairy.  I see everything different from those who I call family.  I’ve always been a part of my given family, but I never felt like I belonged to it.  And it has come to my attention that some of my extended family didn’t know what to do with me either.  Some of them would bite their tongue around me when I was a teenager because they didn’t want me thinking the worst of them.  This whole being together but separate happens in chosen family too.  I have friends that I connect with and have a great time with and trust and see many things the same as they do, but we also have some very big differences - mainly in how we each live our day to day lives.  I have a lot of friends that I would never do in a million years some of the things they have done.  I just wouldn’t.  Luckily this hasn’t caused any issues in our friendships.  They know who I am and I know who they are and we just roll on individually, but also, together.  Our shared values keep us connected, I guess.

Of course there is also the family we create with one other person, our life partner.  I don’t have one of those.  I haven’t even come close to having one, actually.  I think a large part of my life was just spent on other things.  I am interested though.  If anyone was going to come into my life for the rest of it, now would actually be a good time.  I am very concrete in who I am, what I believe about myself, and the world around me, and I know what I want in the other person.  Much of my life has been a constant shedding of identity and starting a new one, but I think the shedding is finally complete.  I have found me and so perhaps he can now find me too.

As we are getting closer to 2025, I am hopeful to expand my chosen family.  I want people in my corner who believe in me, appreciate me, and can help me better navigate life.  More on this next month….

I have been on an insane whirlwind of crazy when it comes to this body I inhabit.  For most of my life I was a lower energy person, but other than that I enjoyed great health.  I played soccer in adolescence, hiked great distances in my 30’s, and pretty much enjoyed life not really ever giving much thought to my health until one day when everything went sideways.

I went through about three years of colon spasms and got diagnosed with IBS-D which is a catch all phrase doctors use when they have no idea what is wrong with you, but your symptoms fit into a bucket of other people with similar symptoms that they also have no idea what is wrong with them.  I went to doctors, stopped eating certain foods, and got on probiotics and the spasms went away, but the Russian roulette with food stayed.  Every time I would eat I would never know if I was going to be sick, lethargic, bloated to the point that it hurt to walk, etc.  This has pretty much continued until just recently, but I have so much more to tell about the crazy things this body has put me though.

Out of the blue one day I started having blood in my urine.  If you look that up, you will find per the internet that you should start making your final arrangements. 🤯. I went to see doctors, had tests done, had invasive and embarrassing procedures done and all anyone could tell me was there was no answer.  Approximately one year later the blood simply disappeared.  The next year would bring a new harrowing experience in the name of vertigo attacks, at least that is what I call them because I feel attacked.  All of a sudden everything goes upside down and starts spinning and I am brought to the floor, unable to move, with my forehead on the ground and trying desperately not to vomit.  These episodes which is what the medical community calls them can last a while and leave a horrific wake that can last for days.  I again went to the doctor, had all kinds of tests done checking every possible culprit with yet again no answer.  The ultrasound tech who was checking my carotid artery said something along the lines of your thyroid looks weird, but other than that there was no answer.  (Thyroid tests have been normal and continue to be normal). I now carry anti-vertigo medication with me at all times.  Even when I have an attack, it takes approximately one hour to recover my ability to function and the aftermath of extreme lethargy and brain fog can last upwards of four days.  I was having one vertigo episode a week that year.  It was a tough year to say the least.  But again, the vertigo attacks just disappeared about one year after they started.  A lot of things started to return to normal and I thought well, maybe I am out of whatever that was…. Only to be hit with the worst  of them all!  Winter came, well not winter, fall, really.  But it might as well have been winter because I could not tolerate the cold.  Even 60 degrees was killing me.  It wasn’t a bone chilling cold, it was a soul killing cold I felt and I could not function at all.  I was in pain.  Physical pain, emotional pain, spiritual pain.  I became super depressed and even suicidal.  I had never been through something like this before.  I used to hike in 20 degree weather.  Now I cannot be outside in 60 degree weather.  I wondered if I was experiencing some sort of Seasonal Affective Disorder out of the blue.  Just when I thought I couldn’t hang on much longer, we had an early spring.  The sun was out more and the weather was warming up and this time the 60 Degrees felt wonderful.  As the temperature rose so did everything else in me.  I began to feel good again until it was too hot outside.  I literally spent the entire summer indoors.  I could’t take the heat this year.  I was lethargic all summer and guess what has been trying to return?  My vertigo attacks.  I have only had one full attack, but I have also had like 50 instances of feeling one try to come on, but it didn’t.

What also doesn’t help is that during the middle of this mayhem I gained over 30 pounds and had trouble doing things I normally did without any issues.  Despite all of this insanity I was in the gym working out and doing what I could, but the weight just kept coming.  It got to the point that I hated the gym because of all the damn mirrors. I hated what I looked like.  I didn’t recognize myself anymore and I decided to just quit.  Nothing I did mattered anyway, right?  So I just did yoga and little walks and dealt with the above medical mysteries until this past summer.  This past summer was the summer I stayed inside because I found that this year’s crazy issue was not being able to tolerate cold or heat.  Being stuck inside, not being able to play golf, or go on hikes, or do anything I enjoy really started to get to me.  My body was weaker than ever because I was doing nothing for it.  I was a fraction of who I used to be.

I’m trying to remember how this desire arose in me to get some of my strength back but I honestly don’t recall.  I know I was watching NWSL games on TV and reliving some of my past life wondering how the hell I ever played flank midfielder while watching Alyssa Thompson fly from one end of the field to the other even though she’s not a midfielder she certainly seems to come out of nowhere sometimes. I also had listened to a podcast from Dave Asprey about a guy named Jason who trains celebrities out of his own studio in Los Angeles.  Jason was the guest, I guess and I enjoyed that particular episode.  It left me wanting to know more about this Jason guy.  So I started looking him up. I found out about his studio, the celebs he has trained, his protein powder that he sells to the masses and a workout program he put on the PlayBook App that is similar to how he trained Brie Larson for her role as Captain Marvel.

And then he blocked me. Interesting thing was I was going to cancel my order of his protein powder and nix trying his workouts when God very sternly told me, “Don’t let him deter you.  I brought you to him for a reason”.  And by getting the protein powder and doing the workout program, I did indeed find out the reason.

First, I was getting fed up with not being able to do anything anymore.  I decided I needed my strength back and that I would focus on tstrength and leave the mirror alone.  I committed to doing his program even though I didn’t have all of the equipment.  I know enough to figure out how to do some of his exercises with the equipment I do have and I did the whole program at my house.  I can honestly say his workouts are very sneaky and very effective.  I am doing things I didn’t think I would ever do again thanks to this program.  I can also say I am hooked and back into strength training again.  The amount of change that took place in a four week program is just nuts. No wonder he is who all of the celebrities go to!  Jason, if you are reading this - please put another program or two up for us who can’t train with you!  I know we are supposed to circle back through the program adjusting weight and moving from modified exercises up to advanced versions. I do.  But why not drop a couple more programs?  Just saying.

The second thing that God was talking about was the protein powder!  It’s plant based with a full amino acid profile and contains digestive enzymes and it actually tastes really good.  This protein powder has done for me what I cannot seem to do for myself.  I am a teapot always going off.  I am highly emotional thanks to my Aries moon and my sun is Taurus so I have double the spice and double the nice.  This protein powder calms me!  Like I’m not as volatile as I used to be and I am not sure why.  The other thing it does for me is it has really helped with my daily bloating and I haven’t had as many issues with food since I started taking it.  I even got a bottle of the digestive enzyme blend it contains to have at night because I noticed by dinner time I was having some issues again with food.  How crazy is it that a protein powder fixed an issue I was seeing doctors for for years?  Maybe my issue is I lack some digestive enzymes.  Still I don’t know why it calms me, like it does and so I don’t want to ever be without it now.

Anywho, I credit Jason Walsh for getting me back into strength training and helping to pull me out of the desperation I was in even though I’ve never met the guy and he blocked me on social media.  Jason may have made this protein powder (Rise311) for his clients, but I think God had other plans for it and one of those plans was me as it is seemingly Jessica Proof.

So what’s next for me?  Well, I am definitely going to continue working out and keep up the strength training despite what comes my way next.  I plan on doing Jason’s Brie Program again in a couple of months after I do a couple of other ones.  I am worried about this coming winter because I don’t know if there will be a repeat of last year, but I am trying to just take each day as it comes and enjoy some of my new found strength.  I honestly spent all summer trying to get back to a more moderate climate and it is just not happening right now.  I am where I am and I guess for a reason.

It’s funny that we never think about our health until something life altering happens. I am trying to be more proactive these days.  My mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health is important and I am paying more attention to it and moving stuff around in my life as needed.


What about you?

With a name like adventure, you might be surprised as to what this post is about.  I know I am.  I am on an adventure of sorts.  An adventure of the soul where I am fully embracing my past, my present, and my future - whatever it may be.  I am accepting realities I don’t want to accept and trusting that God has something in store for me yet.

I was doing a self love exercise this weekend and my answers to some of the questions floored me.  It is so easy for me to remind myself of everything I have done wrong and every single little thing I do wrong in the present, but I have not allowed myself to realize the wins.  When I started this blog up again, my very first post was on alcohol and how I came to realize it just doesn’t work for me.  I talked about how it just slowly takes over every time I start drinking again.  What I did not share is that I battled addiction on and off for most of my life.  I actually often wonder what my life would have been like if I had not had to quit soccer so early.  It was the only thing I loved more than what a bottle could do for me and it kept my addiction at bay for many, many years.  What came up in the exercise was the simple fact that I am forgiving myself for my addiction and someone chimed in and you conquered it.  I know some people reading this might not like that thought or language and if it isn’t safe for you - then please stop reading and click off the page.

It’s true.  I did finally conquer it.  I cannot explain it.  I came to an understanding about myself.  I have done life with it and I have done life without it and I finally understand that I cannot have it in my life.  The yearning is gone.  The desire is gone.  I’m good.  I’m a different person.  A person who does not drink.  I can go to bars and breweries and sit with people having a drink and it doesn’t phase me.  It’s just not something I do.  I don’t want to.  I love who I am.  I love myself more.  I’m just as happy ordering a hot tea with flowers floating in it and I know what I’m  saying, who I am with and I can drive myself home, get up early the next morning and do whatever I need to do the next day.  I love sobriety, actually.  I am very discerning about who is allowed into my life these days.  I even snoop on people a while before following them on social media.  I am that guarded with my energy.  Only good energy allowed.  Only good people, healthy people, positive people, people growing and flowing in the same direction as I am - in my life and online.

I also conquered crippling anxiety.  I don’t think I’ve given myself credit for that one either.  Now days, I understand how to push through it instead of letting it destroy my life.  I mean I spent an entire New Year’s Eve in a bathroom one year because I was hyperventilating and couldn’t stop myself!  I went from being that girl to being someone who can give talks on stage to a large audience.  I even served as a host for a celebrity filled event that had me constantly finding new ways to remind the audience of why we were all there (it was for charity) and trading jokes with the celebrity speakers both on and off stage!

So what adventure am I on?  The adventure of learning to love myself and my life no matter what it looks like.  I forgave myself for many things in that exercise.  I cried for a couple of hours a cry that was from so deep within it startled me.  I forgave myself for being terrified of all men because a few were severely cruel to me.  I forgave myself for never realizing how pretty I actually am.   I forgave myself for using money like some people use sex and as a result living in the deepest financial hole imaginable and not being able to move back to the coast or travel with friends.

I believe in giving credit where credit is due.  I am a writer and a photographer and I come from a songwriter and have some poets in the family.  It is just ingrained in me to always give credit where credit is due, but I haven’t given myself credit for what I have done right, for what I continue to do right.  I haven’t given myself credit for the wars I have won and I have won many besides the two I mentioned above.

The adventure I am on is one where I embrace my wins more than I fret about my falls.  The adventure I am on is one where I look up to God and ask what’s next, instead of looking down and asking what now.  The adventure I am on is becoming a very exciting one.

When did churches stop preaching the words of Jesus?  And why are so many Christians falling hook, line, and sinker for outright lies about the teachings of their own God?  Their own Savior even?

Take for instance the hot button topic of abortion.  Did you know the abortion debate was settled in the Old Testament?  If you are unsure about the Old Testament - that is the Father part of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.  The Father whom Jesus prayed to and sits at the right hand of.  The scripture I am referring to is Exodus 21: 22 - 25 (CJB):

“If people are fighting with each other and happen to hurt a pregnant woman so badly that her unborn child dies, then even if no other harm follows, he must be fined.  He must pay the amount set by the woman’s husband and confirmed by judges.  But if any harm follows, then you are to give life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound and bruise for bruise.”

This tells us how God sees the unborn given that a fine is given for killing a fetus, while capital punishment is required for killing a woman.  God, Himself, sees the unborn as potential life and not actual life.  God says it is ethical for a living, breathing human to take precedent over a non-living, and non-breathing fetus.  It’s in the Bible.  One can deduce from this law that it is actually a sin to do anything otherwise meaning that all of these abortion bans that are doing grave mental, emotional, and physical harm to pregnant women in the name of God are actually sinning against both God and Man.

Another hot button topic these days is the border.  While I am in full support of a strong and healthy border, we also need to make sure the people we do let in this country have our full support.  The Bible is also clear about this.  Both the Father and the Son repeatedly say to treat the stranger in your land with care and do unto them as you would have them do unto you.

Actually, Jesus declares that His people will be known by their love.  That His people will be a people who look after not only themselves, but others. Who show kindness to the poor and the needy, who assist the strangers in the land, and who care for the children.  And this sentiment is not Jesus’s alone, His Father has the same sentiment.  In the Old Testament it was routine for the wealthy land owners to not reap all of their harvest.  They would instruct their workers to leave some in the fields, to not pick up any they dropped or missed, but to leave it for the poor and needy who would come through the area after to obtain food to feed their families.   Yes, the poor had to work, but the wealthy made sure there was enough for everyone.  In the Old Testament, people did not go hungry.  There was a system in place to make sure everyone ate.  As in with more power comes more responsibility, the wealthy took on the role of provider for all.

And of course, I have to talk about all these ideas that in Christianity women belong in the home.  Um, no. The Father and the Son consistently challenged the status quo in this department.  In Numbers 27 we see the Father God, have to tell Moses that if a male dies and he only has a daughter, then the land shall pass to the daughter!  God, the Father, had to tell the ancient Israelites the same thing we are having to tell men today.  God saw women as full human beings with the same rights as men and His laws prove it. In the Book of Ruth, we have Naomi, a woman working in the fields to provide for herself and her mother in law.  Many of the women the apostles encountered and the women Jesus encountered worked.  Women working is nothing new. We’ve been working since we came to this planet and men have been trying to sideline us and God, the Father and God, the Son have been battling for our rights and overturning laws ever since.

I really have to wonder about these so called Christian men like Charlie Kirk, JD Vance, Mike Johnson, Harrison Butker, and Donald Trump to name a few.  They lie about what God wants for men and women.  They repeatedly spread hate and condemnation.  They prevent people who don’t live or look exactly like them from coming to church or wanting to know God at all.  They seem to be doing everything God warned them against.  I recall the scripture in Matthew Chapter 7 where Jesus says, “…Many will say to me, ‘Lord! Lord! Didn’t we prophesy in your name? Didn’t we expel demons in your name? Didn’t we perform miracles in your name?’ Then I will say to them to their faces, ‘I never knew you! Get away from me!…’​

I have to wonder if these men and others like them… are these the men spoken of in Matthew Chapter 7?  Jesus said His church would be known by love.  Jesus said His church would be known by acts of kindness and mercy.  Where is the Church Jesus is speaking of? Where is His Church today?

I used to not have so many things.  I kept only what I could fit in my car and I liked it that way.  Now, though, I have way too many things.  I think I just got bored with life.  And somehow the things were supposed to make up for what wasn’t there, what might not ever be there.

I’m ready for a change.  A big change.   A monumental change.  I read on a LinkedIn post about pivoters. People who just keep pivoting in their professional lives.  The post was in support of such behavior and told its readers it is okay to just keep pivoting if that is how you are wired.  It was the first time I understood what I had been doing with my life.  The challenge of course is to keep moving upwards instead of just making a lot of lateral moves.  It takes some strategic thought and a lot of luck, but it can be done and it is what I am looking to do with my next career move.  I have looked at a lot of avenues and have started applying to jobs that I feel I could make an easy pivot to and get a pay raise.  Although any job would probably be a pay raise from where I am right now.

I was told by a tarot reader and medium that I have a poverty mindset.  My friend had gone to see this person and she was spot on about her situation over the first half of this year and so I tagged along.  She wanted to know where this poverty mindset came from.  I told her I wasn’t sure.  The only thing I could think of was I grew up as the poor kid on the rich block.  I lived in the sought after neighborhood, went to the sought after school, and probably never should have been there.  Everyone was always wearing designer clothes and a new outfit everyday and I was in clothes that well weren’t name brand.  She suggested that this feeling of being less than was created in me during my adolescence and that I needed to shift to an abundance mindset as quickly as possible.  She recommended a book and I bought it.  I plan on reading after I finish my current book.  She also literally repeated some things I was told by the psychic from the beginning of this year which floored me.  I guess that is what spirit or in her words the ancestors wanted me know.  She also said I didn’t need to be afraid to pivot or follow my heart.  She said everything in my life that I want really boils down to me following my heart.  The pivoting will lead to something and someone that is good!

I can’t help but wonder if my growing up in such an affluent neighborhood has something to do with all the stuff I have somehow collected.  I do know the poverty mindset is a part of it.  I have trouble letting go of items.  I am so afraid I might need it later that I don’t want to let it go.  I am so afraid I won’t be able to afford it again so I don’t want to let it go.  But you know what?  I threw out all of my sweatshirts when I moved to Florida and then I moved to Tennessee where I needed them and I just got new ones.  It wasn’t a big deal.  I am trying to remind myself of this as I go through all of the things I have collected.  I am literally getting rid of an entire boutique.  Some will go to nonprofits, some will be recycled, and some I might sell.  I wish the universe would just throw a move in my face because I am really good at just letting go of everything when I absolutely have to and am too tired to care.

I also think my never finding a partner or having my own little brood has something to do with it too.  I think, at one point, I became addicted to the things to prevent me from dealing with the feelings of realizing some doors are just closed.  I have never been one of those women who just had to have kids, but the option going away is still hard to digest.  I technically still could, but wouldn’t want to at this age and to be honest, I’m not sure I would want to leave my offspring to this world. In all reality, and at this stage of the game, I just want someone to do life with, someone to play and travel with…I don’t need all the extra. Still, I do think part of my radical spending these past few years was in part a distraction from many feelings and realizations I was dealing with internally.

I don’t think I have ever been more sober in my life.  I am very wide awake right now.  I am very aware of my mental, emotional, and financial situation.  I am very aware.  I like that phrase But God because it means my situation doesn’t really matter.  I like that song the Goodness of God where it says His goodness is running after me.  Because it means His goodness might and probably will catch up to me.  And I need it to.  I need a change.  My soul needs a change.  It is time to evolve.  I’ve always been an experiences over appearances girl, but now I am also an experiences over things girl.  I am looking to simplify.  I am looking to grow.  I am looking to transform.  I need to pivot.