Cornered

If there is one thing a bull doesn’t like, it is being cornered.  And this bull is 100% cornered.  As much as I would like to blame the circumstances of the last decade, I really only have myself to blame which makes it all the worse.  I mean it is much better when there is someone or something to blame other than you.  Defeat goes down a little better when it is not your own fault.

I don’t really know what I have done over the past five years.  I have never been good at executing.  I wasn’t good at it on the soccer field, and I haven’t been good at it in life.  Making plans is the easy part.  Executing them?  Well, I tend to get lost on that part.  I get caught up in life and forget about the plans I made.  Something comes along and off I am to whatever has my attention at the moment and plans fall to the ground until something makes me remember them.  I guess this is the set up for my 2024.  When I first moved back to Memphis, I got caught up with old friends and old habits.  I even regressed to old spending, old melancholy and old mental patterns.  It’s like I regressed 10 to 12 years back and stayed there.  I forgot all about my plans.  I tried to make a place home that was never meant to be home.  Somewhere along the way I forgot about what I wanted for myself and for my career.  And then I was ready to roll, ready to do something different, ready for next only next can’t come, can it?  I am in a hole not even the biggest and best excavator could get itself out of.  🤦🏻‍♀️

That’s not to say I wouldn’t risk it all if the right opportunity came along…. For someone who has such a nervous disposition I sure do like rolling the dice!  I mean every move I make is a giant leap against all odds and advice. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The stress of it all is really getting to me.  I just need one of the areas to start showing some movement to give me a little hope, a little room to breathe, a little freedom is all I need.

Do you ever talk to God expecting Him to be nice and caring?  Well, lately I’ve been bleeding my heart out to Him and He tells me to shut up every time.  He uses “Shh”, but same difference really.  I decided the other day to write down what I feel like I know is from Him right now and it wasn’t much and it didn’t have much to offer either.
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1. I felt a distinct knowing to go back to Christianity - I laughed and said where and I somehow found myself partaking in a virtual service from one of my former cities.
2. He brings what He wants into my life - opportunities, friends, spouse, etc.
3. Shhh - meaning stop whining and stop asking my questions.

And so this cornered bull has to stop bucking.  I can buck all I want, God simply isn’t having it.  I am working on changing a lot of the habits that got me into the mess I am in right now.  I am continuing to shoot for the stars in terms of employment and will aim lower this summer and eventually aim for the gutter (staying here) in the fall.  I am just going to work on me and try for build a ladder out of thin air and just see what happens next.  I have a lot of guns pointed at my face right now and any of them could go off any moment and while it looks like I am in pure and total defeat, I would like to think , or maybe I simply have the audacity to think this could be a But God moment.  Yes, I am learning so many lessons right now, but God could pull a surprise out of His hat and make this the best year yet.  He does it all the time.