Decisions

I had a 2024 reading done.  I am not sure why.  Every time I have done one, the past and the present is on point, but the future - well, I am still waiting.  I actually have two more years, but whatever.  I am such an impatient person.  This particular reading really rocked me in that it really sang me a song I would love to sing.  I am trying to put it all in the back of my mind.  I think I even figured out that what was seen as an Emperor coming in was in reality a new man crush that came to my attention a month later.

But what I have not been able to put in the back of my mind was a warning.  A tempting.  A repeating of a mistake I made in 2014.  I know 2014 all too well.  It was the year I packed up and left LA.  I took myself clear across the country to the east coast.  Everything seemed to be lining up and working out and it did for a while, but then everything fell apart.  And by everything, I mean everything.  I became homeless.  Bouncing around in friends spare bedrooms until I finally just left and went back to Memphis.  I wouldn’t say Memphis is home.  I don’t ever want to say that.  But I have some family there and so that is where I went.  The decision to leave California put me on a disaster path.  I went through seven layoffs.  I went through every dime I had and then the pandemic came and completely destroyed me.

I’ve always thought that leaving LA was the mistake.  That I should have stayed there.  Afterall, it is the one place where I was okay.  Like really okay.  Life was hard there, but it was also good.  It didn’t dawn on me till this past week, that perhaps there was a bigger mistake that I had never thought of.  My job was no longer working for me.  I hated my boss.  I wanted out.  And when I want out - I only see red.  I have realized I tend to stay too long in situations that aren’t serving me.  I tend to put up with shit for too long.  By the time I realized I really had to go, I was already gone.  I waited way too long to start trying to find another job, much less give myself time to decide if I wanted to stay in my career and try doing it somewhere else.  All I could see was red and red took me out of my job, out of California and clear across the country to a beach on the east coast to find an easier life and an easier pace.  All this time I thought my mistake was the leaving, but I am realizing my mistake was the staying.  I had stayed too long.  Had I taken time to figure out what I wanted to do next and given myself time to start looking, I would have found something.  I would have maybe never left the west coast and maybe never gone through seven layoffs.  I maybe wouldn’t be where I am right now.

And right now is repeating 2014.  I originally planned on leaving my job last summer, but I stayed.  Now, I am seeing red. And that red cannot take me to the same place it took me last time.  In the reading, I was also told I would be running back to what I ran from.  And I am doing that.  It turns out easy is boring for me.  I need the excitement. I need the fun. I need the challenge.  I am in essence trying to run back to what I ran away from.  The difference is this time around I know what I need to do and I know what I need to go after.  Wish me luck, would you?  I honestly can’t take a repeat of what happened from  2016 to 2021.