Clarity

I have really been thinking a lot about what I want in my future.  Obviously, I am aware that I don’t have full control, but I do have some control.  I can direct the sails of the ship so to speak and I must leave the rest to the Creator God.   ​

I think I have been afraid to direct the sails for the most part.  I get afraid way too early as was mentioned by my 2024 tarot reading.  It’s true.  I do get afraid way too early and forego everything to appease my fear more often than not.  I actually feel like I am in some time warp because I am exactly where I was twelve years ago and I about to do the exact same thing I did twelve years earlier.  I’m trying to see it as a positive that maybe I really do get a second chance.  I am one of those people who tend to need several trial runs which life doesn’t usually afford.  Now what would really knock my socks off is if I ended up moving the exact same weekend to the exact same place.  That would be insane and a definite nod from above.  We will see sooner than later!

Anywho, back to getting clear about what I want.  Maybe I needed to run the first time.  This idea definitely relates to my on again off again relationship with alcohol.  During my first nine years of sobriety I had a really hard time and I think it was because I needed to show myself why I needed to be sober.  After three years of drinking myself into oblivion and putting myself in an insane amount of debt (all the isms came out to play) I can definitely say I am just a better me without the alcohol.  I am finally at peace about it.  I understand it in a way I didn’t understand it before and as a result, I am not struggling with my sobriety anymore.  It is what it is.  Me with alcohol means me on a couch or a patio with a drink in my hand and that’s pretty much my entire existence.  Me without alcohol is me hiking, painting, exploring, photographing the beauty around me, road tripping, sightseeing, and learning all kinds of crafts, trying new forms of dance… Me without alcohol means an ever expanding experience and so now I know.  I just can’t do the alcohol.  I’m good.  So what does this have to do with the thought that maybe I needed to run the first time around?  I needed to see and experience my life in that industry and outside of that industry.  That industry is hard and it comes with a lot of concessions and I understand now that I need that industry which makes the concessions much easier to handle and navigate.  I guess to take it deeper, I needed to experience both worlds - the one where I let fear drive many of my decisions and the one where I sit with the fear and let it know it is going to be okay because whether this makes sense or not, we are doing it.
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They say everything is for you even when it feels like it is not.  I feel like maybe the detours I took myself on were a necessary part of my journey.  I needed them.  I needed to choose a road, walk all the way down it and realize what I really needed after all, was the other road. I mean let’s be honest, I am known for going off trail so I should have no problem making my way back over to the other road no matter how much wild terrain I have to cross.