Prayer

I felt like I had been on pause.  Like I was standing still and everyone else was moving around me.  I was tired.  I was sleeping 10 - 12 hours a day.  I was extra late for work every day.  I couldn’t focus on anything.  I forgot assignments and projects that had been handed to me.  Workouts that used to be easy felt impossible.

That is how my November, December and January went.  I was on pause.  I wondered if I suddenly had Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I wondered if my hormones were out of whack.  I wondered if this is just my new thing for this year as I have had a crazy medical issue every year for the past few years.  I never realized what was happening.  My brother called me worried about the polar vortex and snow storm coming our way.  He told me to go get food and figure something out for if power goes out.  He said I might not survive if I lost power.  I told him it was okay.  I told him I had had a hard life and things just never panned out for me.  I told him I didn’t want to fight anymore.  I told him it was okay if he let me go.  I told him drifting off to sleep in the freezing temperatures sounded like a good way to go and the thought gave me peace.

A couple days later I realized I was very depressed. I guess it came on slow.  I just became more and more tired.  My mind got fuzzy.  I lost interest in almost everything except the one or two things that made me smile.  Since I have had some interesting health problems over the past few years I just assumed it was something else creeping up and making it self known.  I had no idea I was experiencing depression.

I went to God.  I didn’t pray for it to go away or have it taken from me.  God knows I have prayed for so many things over the years that He has seemingly ignored.  I just wanted to know what I was dealing with.  So I asked, Is this physical or is this spiritual?  I asked, if this is spiritual, take it away for two days so I know.  If it is physical leave it be so I know I need to go see someone and figure out what is causing this.

You know when a thought comes into you head that is not yours?  Have you had that before? Like you know it is not you?  Not your voice, not your chatter.  It startles you because it is not you?  I had that in that moment.  The voice said, it will be lifted off of you as you move into February and it was.

I don’t know I thought that was crazy.  I watched a church service online today and something said got me thinking about the prayers God has recently answered and the ones He seems hell bent on ignoring:

Prayers Answered - Recent and some long term

• Kicked a very dark depression as soon as I asked
• Showed me within 24 hours of meeting a man I had some interest in that he was 100% not it
• Led me to a herbal mixture that is helping with mood stability
• Has kept me cancer free
• Small prayers like wonderful parking spots under lights and cameras while in the city (my car has be ravaged by hooligans)

Prayers God seems to Ignore - all long term

• Removal of addiction tendencies and desires
• Removal of sometimes paralyzing anxiety and fear
• Removal of sometimes extreme self doubt
• My Life Partner

I don’t know.  I thought it would help to write some down and look at what He answers and what He seemingly ignores to try to piece together what He’s actually doing.  One thing I do see is God is definitely the dad on the front porch holding a rifle when it comes to me.  And that is something I asked for when I lost my dad many years ago.  I also see Him keeping me in a position of opportunity as in He is keeping me physically and mentally well so that when doors open I can walk through them.  Like a dad he watches out for me, but He is leaving the real work up to me.

I have come a long way in terms of my addiction, my anxiety, my self doubt… Fear is something I still have some work to do on.  As far as a life partner, I honestly don’t go on a bunch of dates and I really don’t want to.  I am not on any dating apps and I don’t want to be either.  I know it is so cliche, but I want someone amazing to pop into my life.  I’ve always been one of those people who says we are either going to intercept each other or we’re not.  I mean I spent most of my twenties and part of my thirties going to all the places and doing all the things and nada.  So I know if I am meant to meet that special someone I will.  I just haven’t and maybe I won’t.  I am in my 40’s now and I have to accept that as an option.  I don’t know what will become of me if I don’t have someone in my life, but I can’t worry about that now - it is too far off.  Too many roads between here and there and who knows what could be on any of them.

I guess in making my list, I have received the God I actually asked for - the dad on the front porch with rifle ready to strike anyone who does anything to his precious daughter.  As much as I love that version of God in my life, I need to let God be God in my life and maybe realize I don’t need the Father figure like I feel like I do.