I turned 2 on August 26th.  I have officially been clean and sober for two years.  While I still have cravings and yearnings of times gone by, I can most certainly say that I do not have any desire to go back to the life I used to live.  I cannot even imagine being that person again.  When the cravings and yearnings come for that so called simpler time, I am immediately reminded of my inability to control my drinking and who that drinking made me become and the yearnings disappear. 

What seems like an easy answer is often times nothing of the sort.  More often than not, easy answers lead to even more trouble and don’t actually do anything to help one out.  The way I see it, the use of drugs and alcohol is a self-induced mirage.  Dude has a bad day, Dude goes to bar to blow off some steam, Dude forgets about how stressed out he is for a few hours, Dude crashes into bed, Dude wakes up and is stressed beyond belief all over again.  Another example of this self-induced mirage is a woman getting over a heart break by going to the clubs and getting smashed out of her mind and going home with someone she won’t even remember, she forgets everything for a few hours, but come morning she is sneaking out of an apartment and trying to figure out where she is and how to get home and the heartbreak and loneliness return a few minutes later.  Both scenarios are culturally accepted ways to deal with heartbreak and stress; the problem is that neither of them actually solves anything.  They are easy, temporary bandages that take us farther down the rabbit hole.  Only problem is that we don’t recognize our being in the hole until we find ourselves stuck at the bottom. 

We as a society love self-induced mirages.  We are all about distraction instead of answers.  Don’t get me wrong, it is good to take a break from life and get into a good movie or go out and dance the night away. The question at large is the intent behind these and other distraction actions.  Are you desperate for a distraction from feelings and thoughts you don’t want to feel or think or are you just allowing yourself a needed break?  There is a giant difference and unfortunately, you often need a clear heart and a clear mind to tell the difference between the two.

The real answers to our unwanted thoughts and feelings involve facing them head on, sitting with them, getting comfortable with them and learning how to accept them as a part of life.  Once we are no longer afraid of these feelings, their power lessens and we are able to navigate around them in a healthier way.   Many of the greats say that if you feel lonely – you should do something for someone else; if you feel alone – you should become a part of something of significance; if you feel not worthy – you should lift someone else up; if you feel heartbroken – you should find a way to help mend someone else’s heart.  The only distraction God has ordained is our focus on Him, his Goodness and His fierce love for each of us.  For it is by focusing on Him and the giving of ourselves to causes that provoke positive change in our world that we receive healing.  It all starts with a relationship with Jesus and a few good friends who are speaking truth into your life.  If you don’t have either of these, then I suggest starting that relationship and getting involved in a good church or faith-based community.  After this, I encourage finding a few more ways to connect.  If you like hiking – join a hiking group.  If you like painting – go to some painting classes to find others who enjoy your craft.  If you love animals – volunteer for a local shelter or rescue group.  In other words, get a grounding group of people around you, belong to a community and make sure you are involved in something that makes you come alive.  And lastly, when those unwanted thoughts and feelings rear their ugly heads, share them with your grounding group of friends and be willing to let them carry you through when needed.   

Happy Labor Day from a quiet cove in Malibu:

I have been plagued with sickness this past month.  My mind, body and soul have been rather weary and the heat isn’t helping.  I am also not getting enough rest, which is something I have struggled with my whole life.  I am really good about sleeping on the weekends, but the weekdays are an entirely different story.  I guess I am feeling pressure in regards to getting a new career going, but I can only do so much and I really need to listen to my body more often.

On a positive note, for what is sadly the first time in my life, I recognized a player for being a player.  It took three months and constant prayer for discernment before I realized that I was completely being played, but I was able to see the truth in the situation before any strings got attached if you know what I mean.  What’s even more amazing is the fact that I was able to realize that I do not want someone who has the qualities I see in this guy.  I actually want a good guy who will treat me right.  I am actually looking for someone who is honest, kind, gameless and has an active relationship with Jesus instead of the normal slap-me-in-the-face carnal attraction player types for which I usually fall victim.  Now, hold your excitement, because while I want a guy with these characteristics – I am obviously not yet attracted to this type of guy.  But, I can say that I have turned onto the road that will lead to my being attracted to someone who is actually a decent human being.  So there is growth happening in this 34 year old who is sometimes going on three and a half.

Another positive from this past month is the confirmation that I definitely want to make a career transition to a non-profit ministry.  I know I shared that I was giving this idea serious thought last month and can confirm this month that I am now concentrating my job search efforts in this direction.  I feel that my writing is faith based, my stories are faith base, that everything I create is faith based so I might as well transition to a career that aligns with where my heart apparently resides.  I actually had an opportunity to interview for one of the few faith based non-profits in the San Fernando Valley.  I cannot lie and say I was not crushed when I literally slept through the interview, was able to reschedule only to get lost beyond belief and still able to reschedule a third time only to not check my email in time to confirm the appointment!  However, I can say without a doubt that it was not I who sabotaged this opportunity.  After the events of this past week, I feel that God slammed that door in my face so that I could have closure regarding the player mentioned above.  I guess I needed to tie up some loose ends and receive some confirmations before moving forward.  Sometimes receiving clarity is best gift one can receive.

I apologize for this being a short and not at all poignant post.  I set aside an entire weekend to focus on this post, but ended up in bed the entire weekend with a fever and extreme fatigue.  While I am better, some healing thoughts my way are definitely welcomed as the Southern California inland heat is not making things any easier.  I am definitely better, but I am either suffering greatly from the heat due to lack of air conditioning or I am experiencing a drop in my potassium.  Both cause one to be fatigued, have a low-grade fever, muscle weakness, shortness of breath and an all around feeling of blah.  May you and yours have a lovely end to the summer season and I will catch you in September.

I am a Rom-Com geek if there ever was one.  When I say Rom-Com, I am referring to the film genre of Romantic Comedy.  In fact, if a movie is not a romantic comedy, then I most likely have not seen it.  What can I say? I just love romantic comedies. 

If you are not familiar with this genre, I can enlighten you on the main plot points.  (Note: men can be leads in this genre, but to simplify things I am using the common female lead) We usually meet the lead character in a low point in her life.  She is usually single or in a bad relationship and she is usually battling some sort of career dilemma.  She almost always has some character flaws that need to be tweaked as well.  More often than not, the lead character will go through a small metamorphosis brought about by an external situation, whether it be a new job, a break-up, the marriage of a friend, the death of someone close, etc.  This small change usually brings about a determination to focus on what can be controlled in life, like a career or a long-standing passion that has been ignored.  Once the lead character is on this new journey, we see her begin to change on a deeper level as she struggles to make her dream a reality.  Sometimes the main character struggles so much, that she wants to give up, but she usually preservers thinking that this undertaking is all that she has left in life. 

I pause here because God recently made it very clear to me that this is where I am.  I feel lost.  I do not see anything changing on the career front or the personal front.  And so I have done the one thing I can do, and that is put my writing back on the front burner.  I mean, if God keeps telling me that my job is to write and that He will handle everything else; then I should write, right?

I cannot lie and say it has been all roses because it has been anything other than roses.  I have not been able to open a door much less a window and I cannot give an answer as to why this is the case. I am trying to count my blessings, but I am facing the grim fact that I might be spending a very hot summer in a condo without air conditioning.  I have been tossing around the idea of getting my own place, but after crunching numbers, I have come to realize that I can actually afford to be in the exact neighborhood I want to be in provided that I wait one year and pay off all of my debt.  Insert sad face here. 

I can say that I do have a decent day job with a laid-back company that has the high-class problem of growing by leaps and bounds.  This company also allows for flexibility as long as I am getting my job done and that is a major plus too. I know there are many more pluses in my life, but this whole not being fulfilled at work and wanting my own place and needing to make more friends and not being in a relationship and turning 34 in a couple of weeks and watching my chance to have my own family fade away and missing the family that claim me as their own and wanting a reason to be 2800 miles away other than the fact that I like it better than the South… all of it has really had me beat down this past month.  There were days I did not even get out of bed.  I was just in a deep depression.  Nothing in my life makes sense and on top of that, I have felt that I am in an answerless season.  A season where I just have to trust that everything I am doing right now is going to lead me somewhere good. 

During a recent bawling session, my Creator finally spoke.  His words were few, but they were powerful. My Creator, the ultimate screenwriter,  simply wanted to remind me that I have not arrived at the twist.  No, I am not talking about Chubby Checkers.  I am talking about the twist in plot that comes in every Romantic Comedy on the market.  You see just after loosing hope for the upteenth time and somehow finding a way to continue in some form an existence, the lead character encounters a twist of fate.  This twist of fate usually happens after the lead character has cleaned up some of her character flaws and started chasing whatever dream is in her heart.  This twist of fate can come in the form of a person, an opportunity or both.  The main thing you need to know about this twist of fate, this chance meeting, this divine appointment… is that it changes everything and instantly connects all of the dots. 

God was revealing my place in the movie that is my life.  He was letting me know that once I arrive at the twist, everything will make sense.  And I have to say that judging by my own decisions (the decision to get clean and sober, the decision to come back to God, the decision to make my writing a priority, the decision to be more aware of my attitude and make a moment by moment effort to be a light to those around me) all of these personal transformations point to one thing – the twist is on the horizon.  I know where I am in the script of my own romantic comedy and I have a peace and a joy that I cannot even explain.  Might I dare say, that I am HAPPY.

So the question I leave you with is where are you in your life script?  Wherever you believe you are, please do not forget that while you cannot control everything that happens, you can control the overall theme, tone and message of the script that is your life.

I feel like I am in the middle of an uprooting.  Just how much of an uprooting I do not yet know, but I am definitely being pulled up and out to something, someone and somewhere new.  Over the past month I have had some mind bursting revelations in regards to promptings.  It seems that I may have been confusing certain promptings for panic attacks or crazy and unfounded fears. 

It all started a few weeks ago.  I started having intense panic while driving to church.  My muscles would tighten, my breath would shorten and my mind would desperately search for the “why”.  Nothing was causing this reaction.  There was not any beliefs or bad thoughts or fears.  It all just seemed irrational.  It got to the point that when I would step back into my car afterwards that my mind would utter “Whew.  I got in, I got out and they didn’t get me.”  Who is “they”?  I wasn’t sure and I did not know why this was happening.  This same strange phenomenon was also happening at a mission class I was involved in at this same church and it was beginning to happen at my long-time home AA group.  The question as to why remained. 

I can recall having panic attacks prior to my decent into alcohol absurdity so my natural inclination was to think that I was right back to my starting point and had to figure out how to handle this panic without alcohol.  The problem was that I only had this phenomenon in certain situations.  So, why these situations?  I for one did not have an answer. 

Here is where it gets interesting.  One night God was pulling me to the computer to write.  He does this often.  It is a particular pulling in my soul and I know exactly what it is when I feel it.  The only other time I have felt something similar was that day in the hospital when my soul was set on fire and I knew I had to kick everybody out because it was time for my family to say goodbye to my father.  That fire in my soul feeling was not instantly understood.  I remember just knowing that it was now, it was urgent, it was time to say goodbye.  I did not understand it, but I had to act.  I have only experienced this one other time in my life and that also centered on an earthly departing.  It was in the recalling of these experiences that a key piece of information hit my brain.  All of these promptings centered in that area near the heart that I refer to as my soul-self.  Anyone who has experienced these soul promptings knows that you just can’t put these experiences into words.  They are not readily explainable, but you somehow know what they heed and in that moment you realize that you really are much more than this existence. 

That key piece of information was this:  These so-called panic attacks center in the soul.  The same place I get pulled to sit down in front of the computer and the same place that got lit on fire that day it was time to say goodbye.  In this same instance my mind went back to the previous “panic attacks” and I realized that every place I had experienced this phenomenon something very bad ended up happening to me.  It was in this moment that I realized these are not panic attacks.  These are warnings.  God, Himself is sounding the warning alarms in my soul and my body is responding.  The tightening of my muscles which make it hard to drive and walk, the shortness of breath, the inexplicable uneasiness in my soul pulling me up and out of the situation – trying to prevent me from even being in the situation.  I am not having panic attacks, people.  My soul’s alarm is sounding because impending doom is ahead if I continue in these situations! 

Now I don’t know about you, but that is what I call a mind-bending revelation.  All I can do at this point is acknowledge and heed these warnings and see where they lead me.  As a result of this new information, I am taking a step back from my current church and from my AA meeting. These two places and the people in them have been my LA home for the past year and a half, but I am heeding the warning and letting go.  I know you have to be willing to let go of what does not completely serve you in order to receive what does, but that does not make the letting go any easier.  So here’s to seeing where this Wind is blowing as I march into the month known for its changing of the seasons.

Well, it seems as though 2014 is going to be another year full of change.  I say this due to the fact that my current landlord gave me notice the day after returning from Christmas vacation.  This has to be the absolute worst time to have to dig up two months worth of rent, but I trust that everything will work out – at least most of me does.  I recall that when I first found out – a whole four days ago – I got excited because whenever I have been placed in an almost impossible situation that could be my “end” it is these times that God tends to do some amazing things.  In my life, at least, it seems to be His calling card.  Impossible situation that should destroy me usually means God is about to do something major and it always involves major change too.  So I am trying to stay excited and not dwell on the whole what if I don’t find a place in time scenario. 

Apart from that chaos, I am transitioning to a new volunteer position at my local church due to several reasons that will remain with me just in case anyone from the church reads this blog.  Oh, all right, I’ll tell you this much: it is similar to my living situation only there was never an actual notice given.  All in all, I think it is best because I continually butt horns with someone involved in my old position and I frankly don’t need any additional stress, in fact, that’s the one cup I can say is abundantly overflowing these days.

As far as work goes, I am still employed by the Encoding House and have been promised an end of year bonus (would seriously come in handy if it came this week) and a decent pay increase.  Even so, I am still looking for a new position that is closer to my industry career goals and am hopeful that wherever I land house-wise, will be convenient to wherever I land career-wise. 

As for 2014, I do have some resolutions:

Set 1 = resolutions that can be measured and accomplished

1)     Finish paying off my debt and don’t restack it
2)    Set up sole proprietorship
3)    Set up social media for said company
4)    Make my writing a priority again

Set 2 = resolutions that are easier said than done and measured by others

1)     Do my best in all situations regardless of how I feel
2)    Keep God first
3)    Make the best of things instead of the worst of things
4)    Obedience, Obedience, Obedience

Obedience is not a word people are into these days.  Nobody wants to be obedient anymore.  It is a My world, My life, My Decision, My want, my need, my whatever.  We don’t want to even consider the fact that we really aren’t the ones in control or that Someone Else might know better and I am just as bad as all of you. 

During one of my focused quiet times where I worship, meditate, read God’s word and plead for Him to talk to me – I asked why He always seems to give immediate answers when it comes my sobriety and my tithing, but stays silent on all IMPORTANT matters.  His response was unwelcome and completely silenced me and it was this: I lead; you obey.  It’s not your world, It’s MINE.  I mean how do you respond to that?  You don’t. 

God is teaching my Taurus butt to obey because it is His world and He is my Creator and Sustainer and He does know better than you and I ever could, yet you and I constantly try to rewrite the plan and try to explain why it would be better our way.  How He puts up with us I will never know, but I am glad He does.  Heck, these days He doesn’t even get mad at me.  He just touches me on the shoulder and says “Really?” and I just stand there like a two year old who just got caught with her hand in the cookie jar, glancing from jar to parent waiting to see if this is a reprimand situation, a go-to-your-room situation or a get-the-belt situation.  I recall reading an interview from Zachary Levi’s earlier days when He was much more apt to speak on his faith.  In this interview he mentions asking God why things weren’t moving forward with his acting career.  God’s answer, he said, was that God needed to know that He could trust Zac with the blessings He was ready to give him.  That he (Zac) had some changes to make in his personal life before such blessings could be bestowed.  I believe this to be true for all of us.  God is just trying to prepare you and me for the awesomeness He has in store, but before He can bless us, He has to know that He can trust us with His blessings, that we are ready and equipped for proper action and this is where most of us fall short – we get mad when things aren’t going the way we want them to and fail to ready ourselves for the blessings that God has set aside for each of us.  How sad indeed.  So, to make a long post even longer, I guess you can say that my main goal for 2014 is to make sure God knows that I am finally ready to be readied because the last thing I want to do in Heaven is go through all of the gifts God wanted to give me, but couldn’t.

As I approach the end of this year, I am hopeful for many changes in the year to come. Namely, my job, my place of residence (I want my own pad!) and I really need to show some people currently in my life, the door.  Just because someone has a good heart, does not mean you have to keep that person around.  Good heart or not, if they drive you insane to the point that you want to set them on fire – perhaps you need to let their good heart be good to someone else. 

They say the only way to change where you are at, is to change the actions that got you there in the first place.  A lot of people like to use this line, but they never stop to think what it actually means.  It means going against your own grain, it means doing the exact opposite of whatever your instinct might be, it means not being you – at least that’s how it feels.  This uncomfortable existence of going against my own grain has been the bulk of my reality for 2013.  I am beginning to think that getting sober was the easy part in that all of things I was evading with the alcohol are coming to light in a succession similar to that of a hundred clowns exiting a Beetle.  It’s fast, it’s quick and it’s confusing.  Walking through this new circus, I feel like I am doing more damage in sobriety than I did while drinking.  The good news is that I am starting to have fleeting moments of feeling like myself again – albeit a different version of myself and I am hopeful for a complete resurrection in the year to come.  They say that as long as you stay in the program, things will get better and I am counting on this testimony from those who have already been here and done this and have moved on to a life they couldn’t even dream of having, yet they do.

I must apologize as this post is not well put together, but neither am I at the moment.  I actually thought about not even posting anything at all.  The only thing I can say is that whatever changes are flowing into my life – I am ready and I hope to be able to share them with you soon.  I am going to try to have a better plan for this blog next year, but I do still want my life and the lessons I learn to drive its direction.  Maybe that is the issue I am facing this month.  Maybe I am in the middle of a lesson right now and having not yet learned it, I cannot yet share its wisdom.

But I can share this morsel of truth: If there is one thing you do this holiday season, make it this – do something nice for someone else, hell, go a step further and do it anonymously and then do it again! You will be the one with the present in the end.  I don’t know much folks, but I do know this to be true: it is only by helping others, that we truly help ourselves. 

To you and yours… May you have a wonderfully Happy New Year!

I find myself walking up to a fork in the road.  I am not there yet, but I can feel it coming.  It has been both a blessed and a cursed year with the curse being extreme financial lacking and it has weakened my resolve.  I am exhausted from the strain of not being able to cover my basic needs much less attend outings to which I have been invited.  I am also finding that I hate the hectic pace of my current career.  I swear I do nothing but bend over and take it in the rear all day long and for absolutely no reason at that.  But this is the glory of being in the distribution world…Not. 

The fork that I see coming is the decision to stay in the entertainment industry… albeit in a completely different part or jump ship to a stable, slower paced and financially rewarding private sector institution.  There are pros and cons to both roads.  Road 1 (the industry) has definite advantages for writers: creative environment; networking with agents, actors and producers; and privy to the inside scoop on everything Hollywood.  The down side of the industry would be the long hours, high stress and hectic work environments often supporting projects you don’t support or believe in and until you make it past a certain milestone – very not great pay or benefits.  Meanwhile, Road 2 (the private institution) has its own pluses and minuses.  Pluses would be the slower pace and non-neurotic managers, the better pay, hours and benefits, as well as better job growth and job security and a better possibility of actually supporting that for which you toil.  The only minus on this road is the simple fact that I would be out of the creative scope for a majority of my day.

No doubt to many of you it seems like the simplest decision on the planet.  Road 2 clearly has more advantages than Road 1, but Road 1 still has my heart or at least some of it.

Considering the fact that I am known for making bad decisions and passing up opportunities like they number the stars in the sky, I have thought about partaking in an experiment of sorts: Do whatever it is that I do not want to do.  In other words, if I want to go left – go right. But I struggle with this decision.  You see even with all of the hardship I have endured out here in LA, I still feel I am supposed to be here.  I still feel that I am right where I am supposed to be; I still feel that it was the right decision – It’s just not making complete sense yet. 

And so I continue to make my way towards this fork in the road, hoping with each step, that the decision will somehow be made for me, that perhaps circumstance will force me onto one road versus the other. If not, I will have to decide whether I should go with my gut like I have always done or try something new and do the exact opposite.  

In continuation from last month, I need to ask what does it mean to act like you are the answer to someone else’s prayer?  How do we break that down into bite size pieces that are small enough to apply to our lives?  I guess I can start by stating what it does not look like.  I know it does not look like complaining about the lack of or perceived lack of planning at my church or giving the worship leader the coldest shoulder I could muster this morning or coolly responding to someone who was just trying to make small talk before service.  What can I say?  I was having a moment. 

Anywho, when I think about what it means to act like I am the answer to someone else’s prayers, I am reminded of a short message given by the very person I spent all morning complaining about.  Coincidence?  I think not.  The message regarded Being Your Best For God and was the central theme of a production meeting held earlier this year.  In this meeting, our worship leader spoke about how God wants to work in us, with us and through us.  By working in us, God wants to challenge us to be on a continual path of improvement with ourselves, the responsibilities He has handed us and the people He places in our lives.  And yes, this includes, those pesky horn honkers on Wilshire, that co-worker who makes your skin crawl and that obnoxious new friend of your best friend.  Our end goal being, of course, to love our neighbors as ourselves just as Jesus demonstrated.   Once God is able to work in us, He can start working with us to build His Kingdom.  He has a role for each of us to play and has therefore, equipped each of us with a unique set of abilities and interests.  It is as we begin working with God that He is able to show Himself to others through us.  Instead of living in a world of me, we begin to live in a world of we and as a result we begin to treat others with kindness and respect.  We begin to change and so do the people around us ... in that they don't seem so bothersome anymore.  What's really happening is that  we have stopped being a part of the problem and started becoming a part of the solution.  

Yes, we are all still going to have our moments, but the goal is to have less “me moments” and more “we moments”.  More smiles, more kindness, more generosity: these are the ingredients of a much happier you and a much happier world.  So I end with asking what is God stirring up in you?  What is your first step?  Do you need to become more reliable?  Do you need to be more proactive with the responsibilities God has handed you?  Do you simply need to be more welcoming to the people that cross your path?  Whatever it is that God is stirring up in you, I challenge you to improve in that area and see what God does as a result.  One thing I do know is this:  He works in you to change you for the better so that He can work with you and through you to … well, answer prayers, yours included.  

I am not going to lie.  Life can get really hard at times.  Life can be really unfair.  Life can beat you up, tear you down and leave you wondering why God even bothers to keep you alive.  I recently found myself asking this exact same question.  If I look back on my life, there have been several “death scenes” where I could have easily made an exit.  I survived heart surgery at one year of age and countless surgeries afterwards.  I have survived a tornado or two that killed neighbors living a couple streets away.  I have walked away from a car accident that should have at least maimed me if not killed me; actually I’ve walked away from two of those.  I have successfully stayed on top of Melanoma for going on seven years at this point and don’t even ask me about those seriously drunk nights when I apparently drove home without being able to actually sit up in my car.  There’s also that potassium deficiency that dominated the last couple of years of my life thanks to my idiotic consumption of a bottle of vodka a day. 

With a track record like this, it is easy to wonder why I am still alive and breathing.  Granted, there is still time for me to make something of my life, but that does not negate the fact that I have been kept alive and it must have been for a reason.  When I made this inquiry to God, I only received one sentence and it is this:  you are the answer to someone else’s prayer. 

As I chewed on this fact, I asked God to help me create a list of all the people currently in my life for whom I could have been an answer to prayer.  The list was enlightening to say the least.  What’s even more awesome is that the list is not complete.  There are people I have yet to meet that I am already a scheduled answer to their prayer.  I guess that’s what we all are whether we realize it or not.  Every single person on this planet is an answer to someone else’s prayer.  The question then becomes are we acting like it?