The definition of corral is to gather together and confine.  Synonyms include capture, collect, enclose, lock up and shut in – in other words trap.  This might explain why I feel so trapped these days.  God spoke to me recently and He told me I was being corralled into a very tight space so He can direct me to the right pasture. His words, not mine.  His thought, not mine.  I am a Taurus through and through and trying to corral a Taurus is like trying to corral the most stubborn and aggressive bull on the planet, but I do like that word ‘pasture’. 
 
I feel like I am on a rotating merry go round of phases of corralling.  In Phase 1 I am cocky and fighting back non-stop.  In Phase 2 I realize I am trapped and I start freaking out and trying to find a way to escape.  In Phase 3 I am teary-eyed and weary with a willingness to relent, give-in and give-up.  There is a Phase 4 – the phase in which one has waved their white flag, fully given up and accepted their new reality.  In other words – they have stopped kicking and screaming allowing the Rancher to open the gate to a new and uncharted pasture – a pasture created especially for the individual walking into it.  A pasture that will be well – liked.  Unfortunately, I am stuck rotating relentlessly in and out of phases 1, 2 & 3.
 
I cannot stay where I am, but I don’t necessarily want to leave either.  I need a career and not just a job, but Jacksonville doesn’t exactly offer what I am looking for.  It can, but those positions are not numerous and are usually given to the friend of a friend, which I am not.  It sounds weird, but I like the trees here.  I also really starting to appreciate the church I attend and I really love my involvement in CR, the close proximity to the beach and the weather!  What I really like is that I feel like I can be used here, that I can have a voice here.  I didn’t feel this way in Los Angeles.  I couldn’t relate to many of the actors and entertainers I encountered there.  I can relate to people here and I think the feeling that I can be used combined with all the other things I like about Jax is what is making me want to stay. 
 
The thing is I don’t have anyone to rely on – it is just me versus the world and if I don’t make some sort of move soon – the world is going to win.  It is only a matter of time before something gives and I am ruined.  This is why I keep rotating through phases 1, 2 & 3 of corralling.  There is a large part of me that wants to stay in Jacksonville, but when I look at the larger picture financially along with the type of jobs available in Jacksonville – I feel that I am most likely facing another move.  On the one hand, I know that wherever God leads, it will be good, but on the other hand, I want to take control and stay.  I feel as though I need to choose between where I want to live and having the job I want.  I am just conflicted.  In the past when God wanted to move me, He made it abundantly clear and I was ready for it.  This time I am not ready, not very willing and not very clear.  It is more of a general knowledge that if I want a job like A, B or C – I will most likely have to move somewhere else to get it.  As I said earlier, Jacksonville has these jobs, but they are rare and given to friends, not strangers.  Of course, something could give and also force me to give up and just get another job – a much better paying one, but still another j-o-b and stay in Jacksonville.
 
The number one thing I need to do right now is stay open to what God wants to do and trust that He will direct my path just like He directed me away from the Kansas City opportunity.  I need to stop fearing that I am going to make the wrong decision and start trusting that if I do consider a misstep, that God will course correct like He always does.  I seriously want to get a tattoo that reads “Stay Gypsy”  “Stay in His Wind” on my forearm so I can read it all day every day.  I need these phrases written everywhere to remind myself to stay connected to His Wind and not necessarily this world.  And like they say – if you are trying to hold on to something, you probably need to let it go.
 
And of course the one giant elephant in this conversation that has not been broached is the fact that when one is being corralled, one is most certainly going to be doing the exact opposite of what one wants to do – otherwise it wouldn’t be called corralling.  Do you think the sheep want to go into the pen?  No, they don’t.  They want to stay out in the field even though there is no grass left for them to eat and they run everywhere except where the Rancher is trying to get them “Bahhhhing” all the way until they finally collapse from exhaustion and go in their pen only to find that the Rancher was corralling them so he could get them into a new pasture full of lush green grass and rolling hills for their delight.  The key for the sheep is yielding to and trusting their rancher and it is the same for you and me.  There is a reason Jesus is referred to as the Great Shepherd and it has nothing to do with the literal act of herding sheep.

What Up Folks!  So far 2016 is looking a lot like 2015 only with less sweetness because I gave up extraneous sugar for this 21 day fasting thing.  I surprisingly did not have a hard time without my fix of fro-yo every weekend.  I did, however, find it hard to not buy any sweets at the grocery store, which is why I am glad I kicked the sugar as my way of participating in a fast.  It is easy to break promises I make to myself; it is harder to break promises I make to God.  I can actually recall myself tooling down the frozen isle scoping out some new fro-yo only to remember “oh wait, this is a God promise. CRAP!” and I tooled on along down the isle and out of frozen land.  While I have not officially lost any weight yet, my stomach is flatter and this improvement is all I need to keep extraneous sugar kicked out of my life!
 
On another front, I can say that my excitement for church is coming back!  I have no idea how either.  All I know is that once I finally relented and started going to the church that I felt God was constantly re-routing me to – something changed on the inside.  I have found that I wake up excited on Sunday mornings even though my situation has not changed.  I still go to church alone, sit alone, leave alone and go home to hang out alone, but I have an excitement that I cannot understand, an excitement beyond all understanding if you will.  This is something I have been wrestling with while in Jacksonville.  I have told God that I don’t like not having the excitement I had in LA.  I told Him I want to enjoy my Sundays again, I want that excitement back, I want Sundays to be legendary again.  Somehow the excitement is back and I am very grateful for it.  I guess it lets me know that I can have joy in the middle of what was a situation that brought nothing but disappointment and tears.   That’s definitely something, a God something, a Philippians 4:11-13 something.  I also changed where I sit.  I like to be in the middle of the action so I sit down front now regardless of when I arrive. I used to relent and go up the stairs and found that it interfered with my participation in service.   They have these usher/bouncer dudes all over the place and I just make them find me a seat as close to the front as possible. I mean it is their job so why not let them be of service.
 
I am also trying to dig deeper in my Celebrate Recovery involvement.  While I have been a facilitator/leader for the ladies share group at the beaches, I have only been fulfilling the role in the small group session itself.  This past month I have been digging deeper in that I have been focusing on building better relationships with the women who come to the beaches CR.  Instead of talking to friends at the café afterwards, I am focusing on talking to some of the ladies in the group, trying to get more of a feel for where they are in life, where they are mentally and where they are spiritually.  I want to be an encourager, a cheer leader, an ear, and a guide for these ladies in their own battles and the only way to do this is to spend time with them and so far I am loving what I am learning.
 
I have had that Live Love Lead book by Brian Houston for a while now, but just recently started to read it.  I came home from the grocery store on Saturday and felt a prompting to go to the beach.  Due to the cold weather I hadn’t been in about a month and it was a sweet 67 degrees and already 3pm so I decided to head to the closest beach for some relaxation.  As I was leaving I felt the nudge to pick up Brian’s book so I grabbed it with no intention of actually reading it.  Once I got to the beach I was glad to see some soft sand and nestled in to watch the waves roll in and out.  I find their rhythm hypnotizing and healing.  The waves do something for me that I cannot do for myself and after my recent vacation I found that the sound of the waves can be just as beneficial and so I took out the book and started reading.  I got through the introduction and the first two chapters and feel that God was trying to re-confirm His plans for me, my ministry calling and His promise in the verse He has gave me last year. (Joel 2:25) 
 
Life has just been hard and it is getting harder.  The pressure is on at a level that I have never experienced.  I know I have to make a move, but the move I want to make and the move that is most likely going to be available are not the same.  To make matters worse, I am conflicted about staying in Jacksonville.  In Los Angeles I had everything I wanted, but felt that something was off, that I wasn’t supposed to stay and that prompting turned into busted fire hydrant pressure.  Here in Jacksonville, I have nothing that I want, but feel complete peace and have absolutely no prompting to do anything except focus on the tasks I feel God has given me like this blog, the new video series, a possible memoir and continuing with ministry leadership training.  It is so strange especially since I know that I have to make a career change due to impending financial ruin.  Jacksonville does not seem to offer the career options I am looking for and I feel very conflicted about leaving and more frankly I don’t even know if I can leave at this point.  You could say that just like I relented on the church I felt God leading me attend, I am ready to relent on Jacksonville and so I tell God daily – If you want me here – then plant me.  If not, then move me.  But whatever You do, do it quickly - One thing I am looking forward to is the job hunt being over!  I need to focus on the video series and I cannot do that if I am spending an hour a night job hunting.  That hour should be creating time if not resting and relaxation time.  I can’t keep going on all cylinders all day and all night, especially with a job that drains ones soul like mine does.  To be frank, I need a minute and some fun to boot.
 
Overall, I do have a good start to the new year.  Eating is going better thanks again to the fasting thing at church.  I am delving deeper into ministry leadership, looking for a better paying job, making an effort to venture out more via local Meetup groups and in a few weeks I will be participating in a small group and the women’s ministry stuff for the spring semester at my church.  All of these are in my goals for 2016 and to quote my calendar for the month of February…

I have written so many versions of this blog that I am not even sure what number I am at this point.  God has been doing a lot of talking and I have been listening for a change. 
 
A couple of months ago I started a frenzied job hunt that resulted in a possible position with a Christian non-profit in Kansas City.  As soon as that happened I started questioning whether or not I could actually leave the coast.  I also started looking into the reason why I felt like I should be so thankful that an organization across the country felt that I was a qualified top candidate.  Why was I risking everything to move across the country to what as might as well be the tundra to my SoCal-Flori skin?  The answer was fear.  I realized that I was afraid that nothing else would come along.  I was afraid that no one else would want to hire me.  I was afraid that given my current state of financial crisis I should just take whatever I can get wherever I can get it or else anger God.  I was afraid of past so-called mistakes like that job in Nashville I rejected.  I was afraid that I was making another mistake by not going for it and I was afraid I was making a mistake by going for it.  I was just afraid and while I don’t know much I do know that making a decision based on fear will almost always lead you somewhere you don’t want to be.
 
I spent the day after Christmas on my front porch.  I just sat outside and enjoyed the 79 degree day and the sweet breeze available on the front porch.  As I sat there sipping soda (something I don’t normally drink) I felt God enter into a conversation with me.  He began with “You know it’s not too late to live out your dream of living on the water?  With the right opportunity and your continued financial management, there is no reason why you can’t begin your own beach front bargain hunt in ten years or less.  As long as you are either working on or near (within an hour or two) the water you could have your primary residence on the water!”  In all honesty, I had forgotten about this life long dream of mine.  But God hadn’t forgotten at all, in fact, it never slipped His mind.  He really does know my heart better than I do.
 
I guess I had kind of given up.  I am 35, single and in a financial pit in the middle of a financial desert with no help in sight.  One unfortunate instance could have me packing up a rental car and heading back to Tennessee in defeat.  Those reading my blog on the regular know how hard the move to Jacksonville has been on me.  I left a great church and great friends in Los Angeles only to find myself unable to find any sort of community in Jacksonville.  I have been straddling two churches and trying to get involved at both and my efforts have frankly been a giant disappointment.  No one seems to be interested in knowing me.  I do have one friend here that I am very grateful for and we do hang out most weekends, which helps a lot, but my happiness cannot depend on one person and it never should.  I need a community and I cannot seem to find one no matter how hard I try, no matter how many groups I join or events I attend.  I didn’t have to try in Los Angels – everything just kind of fell into place.  Jacksonville has been quite the opposite and my job has been the worst part of it all.  I am use to being in a rather mobile position that includes a lot of social interaction, but my current job involves me sitting at a desk all day long and staring into a computer without so much as a peep from my co-workers.  YUCK!  Of course, I never meant to be in this job this long – it was a till I get myself sorted out and find something good sort of job that somehow has almost lasted a year.  The people are bad, the work is bad, the hours are bad and the money is really bad as is the vacation and holidays.  I know I am worth so much more.  It is just a matter of finding someone else who thinks so at this point.  Of course I also want to make sure the next position I take is a better fit for my personality and financial future.  I want something I can stick with for a while.
 
The interesting thing that came out of the KC option was that I found a new appreciation for where I live regardless of how disappointing my daily life.  I live in a city on the beach.  I can sit with the waves any time I want.  I even have a new appreciation for the church I find myself going to these days.  While it is no Mosaic, it is a good substitute.  I cried through most of the service today.  The guy speaking ( don’t know who he was as he forgot to introduce himself) spoke on what happens when the escalator stops and you have to make a move.  It was about endings, seasons in life and how sometimes you don’t know what to do, but it doesn’t mean you should stop either.  He talked about how many of us feel like we are on plan triple Z when in fact, we are actually on Plan A.  If God knows everything, then He knew every decision, mistake and stupid action we were going to make and it is all included in His plan.  We didn’t run a million miles in the wrong direction only to miss out on His blessings.  As long as we strive to keep Him first in everything we do – we are on plan A.  I guess I needed to hear that.  I mean if I had said yes to that Nashville job,  I would have never gone to Los Angeles and if I hadn’t gone to Los Angeles I would have never gotten sober around the best recovery in the world and I would have never found Mosaic and never been lit on fire by Erwin and Hank and never met the amazing friends who love me for who I am and taught me that I am lovable.  Had I never gone to Los Angeles, I would have never learned how to survive the entertainment industry, which taught me so much in life and in work.  Had I never gone to Los Angeles, I might not have heard of Celebrate Recovery.  Had I not left Los Angeles when I felt called to Jacksonville, I would not have had the time to get involved in CR, become a small group facilitator, write and give my testimony and I wouldn’t have been open to going through the Redeemed Esteem class at Celebration.  If I hadn’t said no to Nashville and yes to Los Angeles – I don’t know who I would be right now.  Maybe the decisions we look back on as our biggest mistake are actually the best decisions we ever made. 
 
God said something else to me recently and it was not sweet or reassuring.  The pastor from Celebration Orlando spoke in Jacksonville recently and while I was minding my own business (my antennas were erected) keeping watch on a guy who peeked my interest and partially listening to this dude named Josh tell a story about a conversation he had with his wife, a bomb detonated.  The story was something about his wife asking why it had taken this long for him to get an opportunity like the one he was about to embark on (I think he was about to speak at one of the Hillsong locations) and he claims that the Holy Spirit immediately told him that his character could not sustain the platforms he was seeking.  This catapulted me out of dreamland and into the reality that this little nugget was for me.  Insert frownie face.  I immediately wrote that quote down and a few other things and haven’t looked at the page since.  I didn’t need to, I know exactly what God was referring to – my inability to not act like a 35 year old going on the terrible twos on a really shouldn’t be regular basis.  Ever since that sermon, I have been acutely aware of everything I do that has to change!  It’s horrible.  I really do have to find a way to ride the wave of life without say throwing the church program down, pouting through worship, refusing to greet anyone and yelling at the traffic guy for trying to direct me around the traffic circle (I’m not stupid!)  In other news I might have had a complete melt down at a Christmas Eve service this year and it pretty much included every verbal and nonverbal thing I do that has to stop!  I like to blame my little outbursts on being a Scots-Irish Taurus Female who is diabetic and sober and trying to deal with it all, but I guess it is time to put my big girl britches on and stop acting a fool.  I have to if I want to step onto the platforms for Christ that I desire.
 
And with that I give you my 2016 Resolutions.  Some of you may find them a bit vague, but for where I am right now, they are exactly what I need to make my focus for 2016:

1. Get my health back via proper eating and working out as I have fallen into quite a few bad habits in my seclusion here in Jacksonville.
2. Obtain a good paying job I will enjoy and stay with for a while. (Jesus has a big part to play in this, but I have big part too seeing as how I should know what works and what doesn’t by now.)
3. Successfully launch my new video series/Youtube Channel – I am still in the content creation stage.
4. Work on my character (errr outbursts) so that it can sustain the platforms I desire.
5. Go to the beach more!  I live here.  It is my peace.  I should enjoy it more often.
6. Do more adventuring – hiking, kayaking, SUP and visiting neighboring towns.
7. Get involved at Celebration since that seems to be where I am landing.

 
All in all, I want to appreciate the people, places and things in my life and continue striving toward the dreams God has placed in my heart while staking a claim for my own place in the sun/sand.
 
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

As I sit here staring out the window on a warm and dreary day in Northeast Florida, listening to the sound of rain falling onto the trees and grass, I really can’t believe it’s almost December!  Time sure does fly whether you’re having fun or not.  Seriously.

While my time in Jacksonville hasn’t been the most exciting of times, it sure has been a necessary time of personal healing.  When I came here, I was confused about everything and that confusion spilled over into my confidence both personally and professionally.  It is really amazing when you can look back and see God’s hand leading you through the past year and I can definitely see Him in mine.
 
I had an opportunity to get on with the major media player in town, but due to my mental and emotional state it would have been a disaster and I can see God’s hand in leading me away from that job in a miscommunication of interview times.  Even though the job I did land barely allows me to make ends meet, I have yet again enjoyed favor in the company and have been able to chart my own course in hours, lunches, time off and the lateral move into a better fitting department.  Looking back, I can say that I needed a lower key job while I was going through a time of personal healing so that I could make my way back to the confident, intelligent, go-getter that I am. 
 
So much has happened on the spiritual side that I don’t even know where to begin.  God has been speaking into my heart through some of the pastors here in town as well as my home tribe in LA.  Don’t you love it when the devil comes at you with brute force and God leads you to a church service where the pastor affirms your stance, gives you confidence and breathes new life into you?  That happened to me this past year.  I had a Stephen Minister who is part of a local Celebrate Recovery call me stupid for surrendering a certain area of my life to Jesus and actually abiding by His word in this area.  He did more than just call me stupid, he was actually trying to coerce me to see things his way so he would have an open door, which I shut and dead bolted immediately.  To say this caught me off guard is an understatement.  At the time I was going through Redeemed Esteem at Celebration Church, which is a book and corresponding program for those who have past abuse in their lives. I was already in extreme emotional upheaval due to the class, but the devil likes to strike when he thinks we are weak.  The trick is – if we are surrendered to Christ and actively putting Him first in our lives – we’re actually stronger than ever regardless of what we might look like to others.  I let this man steal my joy for about a month.  I had an opportunity to lead big group one night and I couldn’t do it because he was there.  I hadn’t fully digested what had happened, how it affected me, why it affected me that way and fully given it to God so I just wasn’t ready.  While I do disagree with the fact that he is a Stephen Minister – limited Stephen Minister I should say – I can be in the same room with him now and I pray for his spiritual maturity because he needs it.  I kind of drifted, what I meant to say is that the very next day – I went to hear Russ Austin over at Southpoint Community Church and he spoke an entire sermon on the issue with which I had just been challenged.  My friend looked at me and said, “ That was for you!”   
 
The last minute, last seat in the Redeemed Esteem class at Celebration was also intended for me.  It might even be one of the main reasons I came to Jacksonville.  A lot of healing took place in that class.  Strongholds that I have had for years vanished in that class.  I have shared previously that I have never been able to see myself correctly in that I tend to see someone much heavier in the mirror.  I literally freaked out one day because my wrist looked so small.  Truth is I think I was seeing as it really is for the first time that day.  I like what I see when I look in the mirror these days too.  I have a new confidence that I didn’t have before participating in that class and I am grateful for it.  I told the leader / author, Patricia Newton, that I am interested in facilitator training so that might be something  on the horizon in the new year as she is working to get the corresponding study guide published and on the market.  The book is available online and in select stores for those interested.
 
I have also been challenged to start tithing.  I have to admit that I have never been a tither.  Namely because I tend to be on the poor end of the prosperity spectrum, but in a recent sermon by a guest pastor at Celebration I felt God hit me over the head.  I knew it was my time.  I know that when you put God first, God blesses that area of your life and the one area I have yet to give Him is my finances, which by the way, are at a level of devastation that I didn’t even experience in LA!  And so I tithed for the first time a week ago.  It hurt.  I cried.  I’m a gluten-free, diabetic who needs to eat.  I have a car that is literally on its last leg.  I have too much debt to mention.  My identity was stolen earlier this year creating more debt that I am fighting.  My job is not sufficient, but I knew that when I took it – it was suppose to be a get my wits back and move on sort of position.  I didn’t think I’d be there this long and so with all of this going on – I have started tithing!  I mean with all of that facing me it seems like a no-brainer – I need to put God first in my finances and I am doing just that despite the fact that I have no idea how I am going to make it through each month.  From now on I do the following with each check I receive: pay God, pay myself,  and manage the rest. Period. End Point. Ditto.
 
Celebrate Recovery has been another major healing factor in my life and I also believe this to be one of the reasons I came to Jacksonville.  I was just too busy in LA to get involved in CR, but once I moved to Jacksonville, I had all the time in the world.  Celebrate Recovery has been the other major component in helping me get my groove back so to speak.  After attending the same CR for a while, I was able to move onto the leadership team and start being the women’s small group facilitator.  I also help out in big group on occasion and was able to give a mini-mony at this CR’s Anniversary party.  After giving my mini-mony, I was approached by a couple other CR’s in town to give my full testimony at their meetings.  A few months later I received a surprise email asking me to give my testimony at the Mandarin area meeting and I said yes even though I hadn’t bothered to flesh out a 20 minute testimony and would only have a few days to get it written in order to submit it for review.  I am so glad I said yes!  I was able to flesh out a close to 20 minute testimony and really enjoyed being able to share my story of transformation with others.  That first night is special to me and the crew over at Mandarin UMC were so welcoming.  An interesting thing happened that night that I want to share:  During the pre-service prayer, where leaders pray for the band, host and speaker, I felt the room grow warm to the point we were all flush.  A wave of calm swept over me that was so powerful that I had to ask the angels present to take a few steps back because I felt like I had swallowed a chill pill or muscle relaxant and needed this calming energy to fade just a little bit or my testimony would be rather interesting!  The amazing thing is that the energy dissipated just enough for me to be fully there, but also be fully calmed.  My nerves left and did not return.  I was fully comfortable up in front of everyone and was able to maintain a good speaking flow and a lot of eye contact with the audience.  It truly is amazing when the angels come close!  Another cool thing about that night is that there were about ten female newcomers all my age in the audience.  I, of course, did not know until afterwards when the group walked over to CR 101 and I over heard  them saying they were all first timers.  God is so Good.  I truly hope that my story of transformation helped them to open up to the transforming love of Jesus Christ and to keep coming back to CR of course!  I am also excited to do it all again over at the Chets Creek CR in the new year because if there is one thing I love talking about – it is Jesus and what all He continues to do for me.
 
Hillsong came to Jacksonville for their Hillsong NIghts tour and it was incredible.  I tried to explain to my friend that the energy of that night is what it is like to go to Mosaic every Sunday.  She couldn’t quite believe me, but its true.  I miss the energy of Mosaic and it was nice to have that energy back at Hillsong Nights.  The next day I went to Celebration to hear Brian Houston speak on what would become a talk for the dreamers of the world.  At the end, my friend, yet again, turned to me and said, “That was for you!”.  Little did she know that during that sermon God breathed a new project into my life.  
 
I have only been in Jacksonville a year, but a lot has happened.  God definitely had a reason for ripping me out of Los Angeles and bringing me to a moment of stillness so that He could take me up a level so to speak.  I am hoping to refresh my website over the month of December revealing a new look and vibe for the January 1st 2016 post.  I am also going to be expanding into the vlog/video world in the new year.  This is the project that God breathed into me over Hillsong weekend.  I have finished the brainstorming phase and am moving into the content creation phase which will be followed by deciding on a home for the content and of course, production.  I do not yet have a launch date as I don’t yet know if this content will be on my site, on YouTube or somewhere else so stay tuned as info becomes available.  Lastly, God has laid it on my heart to work on a memoir in the same vein of my CR testimony only on a much larger scale.  I probably won’t start on that until the video content is off the ground, but you never know because God’s time table and our time tables are not always the same. 
 
I guess it is sufficient to say that I am grateful for 2015 and excited to see where God takes me in 2016.  My motto is always Stay Gypsy… Stay in His Wind.
 
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all of You!
 
P.S. my friend Ruth is currently trying to fund a well through Generostiy.
Her project page is give.generosity.org/ruthwarner
Feel free to read up on all the amazing work of Generosity Water, donate to my friend’s Well, spread the word, buy some goods or start your own Well Project!  If you’re not the charity type, 2016 is a great time to start on a new path.

 November, the month of Giving Thanks, Creating Families and most importantly the month of Jessica getting her groove back!

 
In case you are not aware – World Adoption Day is November 9th.  Hank Fortner, one of my Mosaic pastors started Adopttogether.org, a non-profit focused on helping beat the number one barrier to families looking to adopt – MONEY.  There are a lot of families out there that want to adopt, but simply don’t have $10K, $20K, $30K or even $40K sitting around to make the adoption happen.  This is where Adopttogether.org comes in and helps secure funding for families wanting to adopt through crowdfunding.  World Adoption Day is a day of celebration for both parents and kids who won big when adoption changed their lives.  World Adoption Day is also a day of awareness for adoption so please join us on Monday November 9th by posting a selfie with a smiley on your hand to spread awareness or to celebrate your own adoption story or that of a friend.
 
Halloween marks a year since I left Los Angeles and Thanksgiving marks a year since I have seen my mother and brother.  I am excited to be able to spend Thanksgiving weekend with them at the beach this year! We will be catching up while we enjoy the views from our beach-front balcony on Florida’s gulf coast.  I am very happy for this opportunity as I want very badly to be able to spend more time with them as well as a host of other people, but my finances are just in the way at the moment. 
 
As I have mentioned previously, I now feel that I came to a much-needed standstill here in Jacksonville.  It appears that I needed to slow down and take some time to heal internally, which is what has happened.  From Celebrate Recovery to Redeemed Esteem to many other confirmations God has laid in my lap over this past year – it appears I just needed a lot of internal healing and I now feel that I am beginning to come back to life.  My focus is returning, my productivity is returning and my overall energy is returning.  One could argue that I am beginning to dream again!
 
I would also like to note that this might have something to do with a recent change in my morning prayer! In addition to praying the lyrics of Hillsong’s “I Surrender”, I have started asking God to help me release my potential each and every day to the point that when I reach the end of this life, that I would not have an ounce of my God-given potential left.  It’s a bold prayer that I am not only praying for myself, but also for my mother and brother who are also dreamers with dreams in their hearts.  For it has come to my attention that one of my biggest problems is my inability to release my potential. In other words, my inability to take the God-given dreams in my heart, put them on paper and then transform them into reality.  I have the paper part down; it’s the whole transforming dreams into reality that seems to have had me stuck for far too long.  And it looks like this new prayer might be working!
 
To kick off November, I will be sharing my first full testimony at the Mandarin area CR on the 6th and am very excited for this opportunity.  I didn’t have a 20 minute testimony written upon the invitation, but I recalled a piece of advice I read from Seth MacFarlane that echoes countless other successful people both in entertainment and in ministry – that thought is this – when opportunity knocks, don’t hesitate, just say yes and figure out the how later! 
 
I am also moving forward with a new project that God placed on my heart during Hillsong weekend here in Jax.  I am calling it Hillsong weekend because I went to Hillsong Nights on Saturday and went and heard global founder, Brian Houston speak at Celebration on Sunday morning.  He spoke on dreams and dreamers and God breathed a new project into my soul that very day.  I have been reluctant to start work on it because as with anything God gives you – it is bigger than I am and I don’t feel I can do it all alone, but I am not meant to – I am meant to create it piece by piece with my Creator.  It’s not supposed to be my thing, it’s supposed to be Our thing!  I have the outline for the steps that need to be taken and am working on step one for the remainder of this year.  I am really excited and really terrified, but I think all creators feel this way when embarking on a new project so I guess I am in good company.
 
I am also ready to get back in gear career-wise.  I know I cannot stay at my current employer as the money nor the interest is there so I am back on the hunt for a good opportunity, but this time around I have a confidence in myself, my passion and my abilities that I did not have previously.  It definitely changes the opportunities I look at and how I approach them and with any luck I will be in a new and better situation soon!  With any luck I will begin to see a little of that restoration from Joel 2:25, the life verse God has given me which reads “… He will restore all the years the locusts ate away…” which I am taking to mean that God plans on restoring all of the things I missed out on while I was caught up in my addiction, depression and self-torture and I for one, can’t wait to see what He is going to do! Er’ I can’t wait to see what We’re going to do!
 
I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and don’t forget to reach out to any singles, widows or flat broke folks that might be spending the holiday alone unless you invite them to spend it with you!