Jessica Lynn Lee
  • Home
  • Mental Health
  • Spiritual Living
  • Blog Archives

Let the Lion Roar

3/1/2017

0 Comments

 
It’s been a year since I penned Corralling Part 1 and I never wrote a part two, but then again, this special one is still in her holding pen.  I was driving the other day and reflecting on life in Florida and life in Los Angeles and the vast difference between those two lives.  I was also reflecting on my financial situation, which as we all know was just re-torn to smithereens. I was thinking, ‘how can I be in this situation again! How is it that I keep winding up here.  Why can’t I get anything going for myself!’  And just before I would come to a place of movement, I would think I guess I am just in a burning season.  I have thought this many times before, but this time God had something to say about it.  Abruptly and with force He interjected the following:  You are not in a burning season.  You chose this.  And you keep choosing it.
 
I knew exactly what He meant.  You see, I have a history of talking myself out of amazing opportunities and shrinking back into my little shell.  I also have a great talent when it comes to pulling out all the stops for a job that I won’t like and won’t pay me near what I am worth or need. 
 
I have been going through a CR Step Study so that in the future, I can lead a CR Step Study and we just had our burning party.  In this particular CR, after Step 4 and 5 are complete, we burn our inventories.  Since my focus for this step study was to rip out all of the lies I have believed about myself, I wrote all of those lies down on a couple sheets of paper and threw them into the fire and watched them turn into ashes.  It was only a few days after this that God told me that my so called burning season is due to my own choices and those choices have been rooted in fear due to the lies I have believed about myself for so long that I don’t even know where I first heard them.  Or perhaps I do know where they come from – experiences and events that scarred me and made me think less of myself.
 
This brings me back to that sermon from Erwin McManus that I seem to recount over and over again on this blog and in my life.  That sermon where he asked,  “whose voice are you listening to?”  Whose voice is getting the last word in your life?  Is it God’s voice or someone else’s? 

Well, if you want to know if you are listening to God’s voice then you have to know what God says about you.  While I am not the best at knowing scripture, I do know that according to scripture God delights in me.  He knit me together and considers me a masterpiece.  He loves me more than I will ever understand and while He is not always proud of my actions, He is always proud of the lady I am becoming while I venture through life with Him.  I also know that the Bible says we can do anything He has called us to do.  Maybe that is my hiccup.  Maybe I don’t know what I have been called to do.  I do know that we all have a calling to love God and to love others, but I believe we each have personal callings that match a passion burning within us.  And I am a lady of a million passions so maybe as Kim McManus said the other day, I am overwhelmed by choice so I keep not choosing.  I fear I don’t know how to choose correctly, or I fear I am biting off more than I can chew or maybe my fear in choosing allows the voices that aren’t God’s to flood me with lies and so I choose wrong again.
 
My life is about to get turned upside down all over again.  My roommate situation is ending at the end of March and I am desperately trying to get out of my latest job choice mistake by the end of May.  I am unsure if I will be renting another room in Florida for a few more months or if I will go back to Memphis, but I do know one thing – If a good opportunity that excites me ever crosses my path again, especially in the next few weeks, I am going for it.  100%.  Let the Lion Roar.  I am done with talking myself out of amazing opportunities.  I am done believing the lies.  I know the difference between my gut telling me something’s not right and plain old fear so from now on, - I am going with my gut.  It’s what brought me to Los Angeles and it is what brought me to Florida and one of these days my gut will lead me out of this holding pen. After all, my life verse is Joel 2:25 and I do believe that God will restore the years the lies ate away.
 


Outside your comfort zone is where the magic happens.
0 Comments

Plant Me, Move Me, Just Do Something With Me

2/1/2016

0 Comments

 
What Up Folks!  So far 2016 is looking a lot like 2015 only with less sweetness because I gave up extraneous sugar for this 21 day fasting thing.  I surprisingly did not have a hard time without my fix of fro-yo every weekend.  I did, however, find it hard to not buy any sweets at the grocery store, which is why I am glad I kicked the sugar as my way of participating in a fast.  It is easy to break promises I make to myself; it is harder to break promises I make to God.  I can actually recall myself tooling down the frozen isle scoping out some new fro-yo only to remember “oh wait, this is a God promise. CRAP!” and I tooled on along down the isle and out of frozen land.  While I have not officially lost any weight yet, my stomach is flatter and this improvement is all I need to keep extraneous sugar kicked out of my life!
 
On another front, I can say that my excitement for church is coming back!  I have no idea how either.  All I know is that once I finally relented and started going to the church that I felt God was constantly re-routing me to – something changed on the inside.  I have found that I wake up excited on Sunday mornings even though my situation has not changed.  I still go to church alone, sit alone, leave alone and go home to hang out alone, but I have an excitement that I cannot understand, an excitement beyond all understanding if you will.  This is something I have been wrestling with while in Jacksonville.  I have told God that I don’t like not having the excitement I had in LA.  I told Him I want to enjoy my Sundays again, I want that excitement back, I want Sundays to be legendary again.  Somehow the excitement is back and I am very grateful for it.  I guess it lets me know that I can have joy in the middle of what was a situation that brought nothing but disappointment and tears.   That’s definitely something, a God something, a Philippians 4:11-13 something.  I also changed where I sit.  I like to be in the middle of the action so I sit down front now regardless of when I arrive. I used to relent and go up the stairs and found that it interfered with my participation in service.   They have these usher/bouncer dudes all over the place and I just make them find me a seat as close to the front as possible. I mean it is their job so why not let them be of service.
 
I am also trying to dig deeper in my Celebrate Recovery involvement.  While I have been a facilitator/leader for the ladies share group at the beaches, I have only been fulfilling the role in the small group session itself.  This past month I have been digging deeper in that I have been focusing on building better relationships with the women who come to the beaches CR.  Instead of talking to friends at the café afterwards, I am focusing on talking to some of the ladies in the group, trying to get more of a feel for where they are in life, where they are mentally and where they are spiritually.  I want to be an encourager, a cheer leader, an ear, and a guide for these ladies in their own battles and the only way to do this is to spend time with them and so far I am loving what I am learning.
 
I have had that Live Love Lead book by Brian Houston for a while now, but just recently started to read it.  I came home from the grocery store on Saturday and felt a prompting to go to the beach.  Due to the cold weather I hadn’t been in about a month and it was a sweet 67 degrees and already 3pm so I decided to head to the closest beach for some relaxation.  As I was leaving I felt the nudge to pick up Brian’s book so I grabbed it with no intention of actually reading it.  Once I got to the beach I was glad to see some soft sand and nestled in to watch the waves roll in and out.  I find their rhythm hypnotizing and healing.  The waves do something for me that I cannot do for myself and after my recent vacation I found that the sound of the waves can be just as beneficial and so I took out the book and started reading.  I got through the introduction and the first two chapters and feel that God was trying to re-confirm His plans for me, my ministry calling and His promise in the verse He has gave me last year. (Joel 2:25) 
 
Life has just been hard and it is getting harder.  The pressure is on at a level that I have never experienced.  I know I have to make a move, but the move I want to make and the move that is most likely going to be available are not the same.  To make matters worse, I am conflicted about staying in Jacksonville.  In Los Angeles I had everything I wanted, but felt that something was off, that I wasn’t supposed to stay and that prompting turned into busted fire hydrant pressure.  Here in Jacksonville, I have nothing that I want, but feel complete peace and have absolutely no prompting to do anything except focus on the tasks I feel God has given me like this blog, the new video series, a possible memoir and continuing with ministry leadership training.  It is so strange especially since I know that I have to make a career change due to impending financial ruin.  Jacksonville does not seem to offer the career options I am looking for and I feel very conflicted about leaving and more frankly I don’t even know if I can leave at this point.  You could say that just like I relented on the church I felt God leading me attend, I am ready to relent on Jacksonville and so I tell God daily – If you want me here – then plant me.  If not, then move me.  But whatever You do, do it quickly - One thing I am looking forward to is the job hunt being over!  I need to focus on the video series and I cannot do that if I am spending an hour a night job hunting.  That hour should be creating time if not resting and relaxation time.  I can’t keep going on all cylinders all day and all night, especially with a job that drains ones soul like mine does.  To be frank, I need a minute and some fun to boot.
 
Overall, I do have a good start to the new year.  Eating is going better thanks again to the fasting thing at church.  I am delving deeper into ministry leadership, looking for a better paying job, making an effort to venture out more via local Meetup groups and in a few weeks I will be participating in a small group and the women’s ministry stuff for the spring semester at my church.  All of these are in my goals for 2016 and to quote my calendar for the month of February…
I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart – Vincent Van Gogh
0 Comments

Coming Back to Life...

11/1/2015

0 Comments

 
Picture
 November, the month of Giving Thanks, Creating Families and most importantly the month of Jessica getting her groove back!

 
In case you are not aware – World Adoption Day is November 9th.  Hank Fortner, one of my Mosaic pastors started Adopttogether.org, a non-profit focused on helping beat the number one barrier to families looking to adopt – MONEY.  There are a lot of families out there that want to adopt, but simply don’t have $10K, $20K, $30K or even $40K sitting around to make the adoption happen.  This is where Adopttogether.org comes in and helps secure funding for families wanting to adopt through crowdfunding.  World Adoption Day is a day of celebration for both parents and kids who won big when adoption changed their lives.  World Adoption Day is also a day of awareness for adoption so please join us on Monday November 9th by posting a selfie with a smiley on your hand to spread awareness or to celebrate your own adoption story or that of a friend.
 
Halloween marks a year since I left Los Angeles and Thanksgiving marks a year since I have seen my mother and brother.  I am excited to be able to spend Thanksgiving weekend with them at the beach this year! We will be catching up while we enjoy the views from our beach-front balcony on Florida’s gulf coast.  I am very happy for this opportunity as I want very badly to be able to spend more time with them as well as a host of other people, but my finances are just in the way at the moment. 
 
As I have mentioned previously, I now feel that I came to a much-needed standstill here in Jacksonville.  It appears that I needed to slow down and take some time to heal internally, which is what has happened.  From Celebrate Recovery to Redeemed Esteem to many other confirmations God has laid in my lap over this past year – it appears I just needed a lot of internal healing and I now feel that I am beginning to come back to life.  My focus is returning, my productivity is returning and my overall energy is returning.  One could argue that I am beginning to dream again!
 
I would also like to note that this might have something to do with a recent change in my morning prayer! In addition to praying the lyrics of Hillsong’s “I Surrender”, I have started asking God to help me release my potential each and every day to the point that when I reach the end of this life, that I would not have an ounce of my God-given potential left.  It’s a bold prayer that I am not only praying for myself, but also for my mother and brother who are also dreamers with dreams in their hearts.  For it has come to my attention that one of my biggest problems is my inability to release my potential. In other words, my inability to take the God-given dreams in my heart, put them on paper and then transform them into reality.  I have the paper part down; it’s the whole transforming dreams into reality that seems to have had me stuck for far too long.  And it looks like this new prayer might be working!
 
To kick off November, I will be sharing my first full testimony at the Mandarin area CR on the 6th and am very excited for this opportunity.  I didn’t have a 20 minute testimony written upon the invitation, but I recalled a piece of advice I read from Seth MacFarlane that echoes countless other successful people both in entertainment and in ministry – that thought is this – when opportunity knocks, don’t hesitate, just say yes and figure out the how later! 
 
I am also moving forward with a new project that God placed on my heart during Hillsong weekend here in Jax.  I am calling it Hillsong weekend because I went to Hillsong Nights on Saturday and went and heard global founder, Brian Houston speak at Celebration on Sunday morning.  He spoke on dreams and dreamers and God breathed a new project into my soul that very day.  I have been reluctant to start work on it because as with anything God gives you – it is bigger than I am and I don’t feel I can do it all alone, but I am not meant to – I am meant to create it piece by piece with my Creator.  It’s not supposed to be my thing, it’s supposed to be Our thing!  I have the outline for the steps that need to be taken and am working on step one for the remainder of this year.  I am really excited and really terrified, but I think all creators feel this way when embarking on a new project so I guess I am in good company.
 
I am also ready to get back in gear career-wise.  I know I cannot stay at my current employer as the money nor the interest is there so I am back on the hunt for a good opportunity, but this time around I have a confidence in myself, my passion and my abilities that I did not have previously.  It definitely changes the opportunities I look at and how I approach them and with any luck I will be in a new and better situation soon!  With any luck I will begin to see a little of that restoration from Joel 2:25, the life verse God has given me which reads “… He will restore all the years the locusts ate away…” which I am taking to mean that God plans on restoring all of the things I missed out on while I was caught up in my addiction, depression and self-torture and I for one, can’t wait to see what He is going to do! Er’ I can’t wait to see what We’re going to do!
 
I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and don’t forget to reach out to any singles, widows or flat broke folks that might be spending the holiday alone unless you invite them to spend it with you!

Picture
0 Comments

Producing Fruit in a Desert

9/1/2015

0 Comments

 
What can I say folks, sometimes life hurts.  And my life is hurting bad right now. I think it is safe to say that I left a physical desert where I was in a mental, emotional and spiritual oasis in sunny SoCal, and now find myself surrounded by water in a mental, emotional, and spiritual desert in sunny Florida.

Physically, I am back in a complete standstill.  I threw out my back a few weeks ago and went from being able to do a forward bend with my nose against my knees to having to fight to barely touch my toes!  I thought I was on the mend and went for a short walk a few days ago that reignited all of the pain and so I am back to gentle yoga and absolutely nothing else.  My lower back and right hip are the main culprits with my right hip taking the trophy for intense sharp pain shooting around all the day long.   Emotionally, I might as well be the only person in this town.  Every time I think I have made a new friend they start treating me like an afterthought by routinely making plans with me and then canceling at the last second only to say something like “hey, I’m doing this now so can’t do whatever with you.”  My roommate says she has experienced a lot of that herself.  Who knew small town Jacksonville would have bigger and more blatantly rude flakes than that of Los Angeles.  At least in LA people make up an actual excuse!  Here in Jax people actually tell you what they are going to go do instead of hanging out with you!  So Rude.   And then there’s that job I have.  There’s nothing like working with people that you know hate you.  It gets even more fun when your job doesn’t even begin to fulfill, engage or excite you.  I am one of those people who need to be fully engaged in my activities because if I am not, my mind rolls over to everything in the world that I should not be thinking about and so with the pain, the rude treatment from could be friends and the nothing but time to focus on all the wrong things – folks – I am mentally, emotionally and physically spent.  I have no idea how long I am supposed to be in this town, but let’s just say that unlike LA, I don’t think I’m gonna feel terrible if I suddenly have to move elsewhere.

The only good news is that I have finally sort of picked a church home.  It is a church I just keep going back to because I really dig the pastor.  I am actually going to be spread across two churches this fall – a class at one where I will be taking on a major issue in my life and a life group at the one I am calling home at the moment.  The other good point is my continued involvement at a local Celebrate Recovery where I am getting my ministry feet wet.  I am learning how to lead a group of ladies, learning how to connect to people and learning how to speak in front of others and hopefully slowly gaining a stage presence.  It is this ministry stuff that needs to become more of my life – that is where my passion is, that is where my excitement is, that is where I come alive and activate the best version of myself.

You would think year 3 would sound better wouldn’t you?  I thought about that too and then it hit me – I spent 15 years in rebellion to God in an addiction that I repeatedly chose to stay in.  Yes, I gave God the one thing I didn’t think I could live without, but I’ve only worked off 3 of my 15 years.  Thank you Jesus that You are not that kind of God!  While it is true that I am still an infant when it comes to sobriety, God is not sitting up there with a stick marking off each day waiting for me to equalize the situation before He can bless me, love me or work in my life.  We humans tend to find ourselves thinking that way because it is how we were taught right from wrong.  You intentionally break your little brother’s tricycle so he can’t follow you around, chances are your parents will take away your bike as punishment.  It’s how they teach us to treat others the way we would like to be treated, but it is not how God deals with us, especially when we come to Him and admit what a shattered disaster we have become.  I fully admit that I have absolutely no idea how I am gong to go from where I am right now to the vision of my life that has been laid out by God.  The good news is God does!  My job is to stay close to Him, stay in His word, abide by His word understanding that any parameters are there to protect me and not keep me from having fun, and trust that as I grow in faith, God will open the doors that I so desperately want to open right now.  I guess for me, year 3 is the year of being a grown up, digging in and doing what I don’t want to, being faithful to the positions and places God has put me in until He opens another door.

That door I am so desperate to open is a position under a successful and dynamic ministry where I can learn how to be a leader and grow my abilities for speaking God’s word, teaching God’s word and leading others through discipleship.   Until that happens I am continuing to learn and grow in the ministry I am currently serving in and hoping for a career opportunity in the same realm.

I recently heard a mega gator fan give his CR testimony and in that testimony he shared this line from Tim Tebow’s book: Use the platform you’ve been given for God’s purpose and not your own. That line made me start thinking.  I know what I want out of my potential ministry involvement, but I haven’t asked God what He wants out of it.  I haven’t asked God what He wants out of my life, my work, my writing, my relationships or any platform that He might bestow upon me.  And that’s a question I probably should have asked at the beginning.  I am currently meditating on that question with God.  So far, I feel like He has told me that His purpose and Plan for any platform He gives me is to help change lives by changing habits and to promote true healing by helping people live in true alignment with Christ mentally, emotionally and physically.  I really need to start making this my purpose in all of my dealings whether it is in a CR group, the grocery store or with my less than desired co-workers.  I may not be living the life I wish to yet, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t act as if I already am that person.

0 Comments

Nobody Likes a Rear View Driver

7/1/2015

0 Comments

 
Over the past month, my life came to a slow crawl.  I was having a harder and harder time getting up in the morning and was having a very hard time staying awake at work.  My workouts became smaller and smaller until they consisted of nothing more than relaxation yoga.  I was beat and I did not know why.  I had no symptoms except for extreme fatigue.  It’s crazy how sickness can creep up on us.  I never once thought something might be wrong.  I just assumed I was depressed, that it was my fault, that I hadn’t been sleeping well or eating well, that I had gained weight and that I am just dealing with unwanted feelings or extreme loneliness.  I just kept reasoning my fatigue away until it stopped me in my tracks.  I spent three days in bed and on the third day it dawned on me that something must be wrong and so I went to an urgent care facility and found that I had a bacterial infection.  Had I not gone to the doctor, I would have only gotten worse no matter how much I rested. 

During this time of barely living, my rear view mirror hopped off my windshield again.  I knew I needed to do something about it, but it was kind of nice just driving down the road, only concerned with what was ahead and not worrying about the guy in the truck behind me.  My attention was on the road in front of me and I was driving peacefully.  It occurred to me that this is how we are supposed to drive our lives, but many of us drive constantly looking in the rear view mirror.  We’re in front of it, we’ve moved around it, we’ve driven past it, but it still holds our attention. 

 While driving without my rear view mirror one sunny afternoon, it dawned on me that Jesus never meant for us to be concerned with what’s in our rear view mirror.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying we are not supposed to deal with what’s in our past.  What I am saying is that God never meant for us to obsess on it, contemplate it and bring it into our present over and over again.  I say this because if you look at how Jesus dealt with people in the Bible, He was the exact same with every person no matter what had happened to them or what they had done.  His words were same every time.  He simply said “Follow Me”.  It is a small sentence with life changing implications.  When He said “Follow Me” He was saying listen to my words, read my words, make my words and my deeds the center of your life and do as I do, speak as I do, love as I do, strive every day to be more like Me.  Follow Me.

 Jesus never condemned anyone no matter who they were or what they had become.  He simply said Follow Me.  Make Me your role model.  Jesus never mentioned anyone’s past, instead He called everyone forward.  I heard a sermon not too long ago where the pastor on stage, said that the devil calls you to your past so he can condemn you in your defeat, but the spirit of Christ always calls you forward to a better you and a better life.  Christ might make you aware of something He doesn’t want you doing because He wants better for you, but He never condemns.  The devil condemns us, fellow humans condemn us, but God never condemns any of us because He always sees what we can become if we Follow Him.

 The funny thing is most of us walk around condemning ourselves over and over and over again for things that don’t even exist in God’s mind.  He let them go a long time ago.  He is only focused on where He is taking us; we are the ones focused on where we have been.  I know that I keep pointing back to a decision I made several years ago where I adamantly refused to move in the direction God wanted me to and to this day I often wonder if that one decision ruined my entire life.  Thoughts like what if that was a once in a lifetime opportunity and now God will only let me wallow in crappy jobs?  What if my husband was in that city and I didn’t get to meet him so now I am going to be alone?  What if that career was going to be a launching pad for me to have a larger ministry and now I am going to die with a burning desire in my heart that was never fulfilled?   The problem with these kind of thoughts is that they totally disregard that the fact that Jesus always calls us forward and that if we follow Him to the best of our ability learning and growing as we walk through life with Him, He always leads us somewhere good.  He is not about condemnation, He is not concerned with our past – He is only concerned with where He is taking us because His plans for us never change.  Whatever He started in us, He will complete – if we follow Him and allow Him to work in and through our lives.  I know I have come full circle and find myself rather exhausted thinking it’s time to call it, that I’ve missed my opportunities, that I can’t possibly attain the vision I keep seeing for my life… But Jesus is looking at me saying “Jessica, I created that vision for you. I know how to get you there.  Just keep following Me.”

0 Comments

Idol Minded

5/1/2015

0 Comments

 
 You have to find your contentment in Jesus, not in the blessing – Joby Martin

Crushes are pointless correct?  I mean how many times have you liked someone from a distance only to meet him or her and find that you have absolutely zero chemistry.  That if it was between spending thirty minutes trapped in an elevator with this person or fighting off a lion with your bare hands – you’d probably pick fighting the lion to having to spend another painstakingly awkward second with that guy or gal you were crooning over.  I only mention this because as I type this post, I am staring into the eyes of a current crush.  I have his photo pulled up right beside my doc.  He is giving one of those cocky come hither stares that lets the world know that he knows he’s got it.  Unfortunately, these are the guys that tend to land on my radar.  Christian or not, they leave a lot to be desired in the companion department.  They are not good to themselves and they certainly aren’t good to or for anyone else.

 So why are you staring at him you ask?  Well, the topic of idols came up in a recent small group conversation.  While I have not found a church home here in Jacksonville, I am in a ladies small group for the mean time.  The discussion centered on the things in our lives that can become idols to us and replace the only idol we should ever have – Jesus Christ.  You see an idol is anything that we are waiting on to complete us.  Anything that we can put in the sentence that goes something like this: “If I can only have/get/attain __________, then I’ll be happy/set/satisfied.  The danger with thinking like this is that there is always going to be something else we want.  If we are not careful, a new idol always crops up in our lives and wreaks havoc by stealing the joy from what is and placing the focus on what could be soon thereby keeping us in an unhappy loop that is forever stuck on repeat. 

I have a short quiet time each morning where I read a chapter of scripture and pray.  In one of my recent morning prayers I popped out these words “… and apparently the idea of a relationship has become an idol to me and I am very sorry for that…”  As soon as the words came out of my mouth I felt a jolt within me and I started to cry.  I didn’t know a relationship had become an idol in my life until I unknowingly spoke the words in prayer.  It is true that I have been struggling since leaving my friends in Los Angeles.  I am very lonely here in Jacksonville and I guess my mind has been on a relationship a lot more lately.  I am also turning the big 35 this year so I am officially hitting the status of Old  Maid/Spinster for Life.  I guess that’s what has been really eating away at my soul.   My life has not turned out the way I wanted it to and I have no one to blame but myself.  It is just what happens when you live for a bottle for 15 years.  And there’s that sentence again “If I can just find my partner everything will be better… I will feel like I have someone or something to belong to”  Ugh, I really need to shake this need for a significant other.  I can want one all I want, but needing one is a problem and I believe that I have crossed over the unhealthy threshold from wanting a partner in life to needing one.   I mean how can two days of relaxation turn me into boohoo city?  Why do I freak out the second I find myself alone with nothing to do?  Why does going to church alone make me want to kick God in the face?  Yes, we are creatures designed for community, but community comes in many forms. 

Truth be told, we all have that something special that is missing from our lives and we allow it to be the reason we are unhappy, we allow it to steal our joy. … “If I can just buy a nice house  I will be happy,”, “If can just afford nice vacations each year I will be happy” or “If I can just get that promotion”, “If I can just work my way into that crowd” , “ If I can just get pregnant”, If I can just… etc, etc, etc to infinity.  These sentences are not true.  We like to think they are true, but whatever we are hoping for whether it is a partner, a career, a house, a friend or even that cute pair of wedges in the store window– all of these things bring new challenges and I am old enough to know that nothing is ever how we imagined it.  I am beginning to realize the old adage is true – if we are not happy with our current circumstances, we will never be happy. Period.    

One of the biggest problems with putting our happiness in the future is the simple fact that we never get to enjoy the present and if we don’t enjoy the present – Well then what’s the point?  The present is all we have.  If we do get to the future we have imagined, we will most likely realize it wasn’t exactly what we thought it would be.  It might still be great, but it will not match the fantasy we have built in our heads and so we will begin hoping for something else and the unhappy cycle will keep on repeating until we reach the end of our lives and look back and wonder why we couldn’t enjoy every second we had.  We will wonder why we never learned to enjoy our present for what it is – our present.  Our gift.  We get another day to create something beautiful with God.

There’s also a reason Jesus Christ should be the only occupant of our mantle.  He is the only person that will never fail us, never leave us and always sustain us.  If we are looking for satisfaction outside of Him, we’ll never find it.  It doesn’t exist apart from Him.  Making Him our focus, living a life pleasing to Him, being an example of His love to others and leading others to Him – that is where real happiness exists.  You just have to clear your mantle and make Jesus your focal point.  This is how you learn to be content, like Paul, no matter what your current circumstance might be.

So what does all this mean?  Well for me, it means I need to make Jesus and the vision He has given me for ministry my focal point and I need to leave the man out of the picture.  Whether God has someone in mind for me is irrelevant because that man does not deserve the pressure of being my only source of happiness and the same can be said for any friends that enter my life.  Only one person can take that kind of pressure and only one person ever should – Jesus Christ.
 
I have been praying the words of an older song from Hillsong  titled “I Surrender”.  I just found myself singing this song non-stop and realized there must be a reason this song is staying on my heart.  Reality is this: God needed take over because I was unraveling.  I was lonely, I was upset and I was becoming more impatient every day. I needed God to step in and give me direction.  And so I decided to stop asking God for anything and instead I just began praying the words of the song – Lord, Have Your way in me!  Have Your way in my every minute of my every day, Have your way in my thoughts, my words, my actions, my interactions.  Help me to know how to honor you at work and in my daily life.  Lord, Have Your way in me! 

Funny thing is the moment I made Jesus my focal point by inviting Him to have His way in me, a lot of the character changes I’ve been writing about over the past year just sorta started happening all on their own….

0 Comments

When It Rains, It Pours...

2/1/2015

0 Comments

 
 
“So the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trials…” 2nd Peter 2:9



  It has been rather stressful to say the least.  Word to the wise:  If the first word out of a man’s mouth is “I’m not a crook” or “I try to sleep well at night by doing everyone right” guess what?  That man is a crook and he is ripping you off.

 
It all started when I took my car to a repair shop to get yet another coolant leak checked.  The shop easily found the leak, but the recommended repairs were around $700.00.  This was not great news since I am running on empty and without employment so I looked at my available credit cards and reluctantly decided to make the repairs putting one of my cards near its limit.  I was told the job would only take half a day, so I was surprised to find out that the job is “ a big job” and the shop would need my car for another whole day.  I called again the following day for these wonderful men to tell me that while they were able to fix the leak, my head gasket blew during testing for more leaks.  The only recommended option was a re-manufactured engine, which would cost $4,500.00!  Needless to say, I hung up the phone and called my brother.  He immediately called bull honky on the situation and told me that if my car was not running hot then there was no feasible way for my head gasket to have just blown.  I continued to talk to the men at this repair shop for the next three days.  They were adamant that I needed a new engine.  I was adamant that they had messed up my engine.  It took this guy three days to “find” a shop that would take the job because he claimed no one would do a head job on an engine that had over 100,000 miles on it.  I think he was really trying to find someone that he could refer me to that wouldn’t out his shop as having bent the connector to the fuel injector, which is what really happened.  I did not need an engine.  My actual cost for this additional repair was $294.00 including the tow truck.  

 
There was a good week where I was thinking that it was game over Jessica.  I could not afford $4,500 in repairs, but I also had to fix my car.  I was in a major mess; I knew I was being taken advantage of, but I did not have the proof or the knowledge to combat my offender and I was terrified.  Then God dinged me yet again with the phrase “you haven’t asked me to turn this around for you yet”.  God, as usual, was right.  I had been praying all the way through this ordeal for the techs working on my car, but I had just accepted the situation as is and assumed I was doomed.  Just like I just accepted the fact that I was feeling all of that fear and anxiety last month and would continue to do so until I started a new step study.  While sharing in Celebrate Recovery, God made me acutely aware that I hadn’t asked Him to remove the fear and anxiety that was plaguing me and in the very same second He removed it from my life.  I’ve been back to the real Jessica ever since.  This time I took heed and immediately apologized to God for accepting this current situation as is and asked for His help, for Him to turn this situation around and He did.  At my brother’s advice, I called some other machine shops in the area and a man at Automotive Block Head and Welder agreed that there was no way my head gasket had blown and referred me to Bell’s Automotive, which is the BBB shop that found out what was really wrong with my car.  I do plan to confront Monument Road Tire and Service now that I know they bent my connector while putting my engine back together.  While I am not entirely out of the storm yet, the rain has stopped and the clouds are thinning.  I have some 2nd interviews lined up and I hope to accept an offer very soon which will allow me to finally exhale and turn my focus onto the reason God brought me to Jacksonville in the first place. 

0 Comments

    Categories

    All
    12 Steps
    2013
    2014
    2015
    2016
    2017
    2018
    2nd Peter 2:9
    Absurd Plan
    Abuse
    Acceptance
    Accomplishments
    Addiction
    Addiction Neurology
    Adoption
    Adrenal Body Type
    Adulting
    Adventure
    Agnostic
    Alcohol
    Alcoholics
    Alcoholics Anonymous
    Alcoholism
    Alice In Wonderland
    All Lives Matter
    Aloneness
    Alternate Nostril Breathing
    Alton Sterling
    American Justice
    Anais Nin
    Angels
    Anger Management
    Anorexia
    Answer
    Answered Prayers
    Anxiety
    Appreciation
    ARC Churches
    Assumptions
    Attention
    Attitude
    Auld Lang Syne
    Beach
    Being Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable
    Belonging
    Bethel Music
    Betrayal
    Bible
    Big Book
    Biopsy
    Black Lives Matter
    Blessing
    Blessings
    Blessings In Disguise
    Bliss
    Blossom
    Brian Houston
    Bucket List
    Budget
    Bullies
    Burning Season
    Calm My Anxious Heart
    Cancer
    Career
    Car Problems
    Celebrate Recovery
    Celebration
    Celebration Church
    Change
    Character Defects
    Charles Kinsey
    Chevy Impala
    Choices
    Christianity
    Christmas
    Church
    Circumstances
    Clarity
    Cling
    Closure
    Clutter
    Coincidences
    Collierville
    Comfort Zone
    Commandments
    Commands
    Common Sense Gun Laws
    Community
    Compassion
    Complaining
    Condem
    Condemnation
    Confirmation
    Confusion
    Connect
    Consequences
    Contentment
    Control
    Coolant System
    Coping Mechanisms
    Corral
    Counting Blessings
    Courage
    Craig Strickland
    Crash
    Craving
    Creative
    Creative Energy
    Creativity
    Creator
    Crossroads
    Cultivation
    Cutting
    Dad
    Daniel Kevin Harris
    Daydreams
    Dead Ends
    Debt
    Decision Paralysis
    Decisions
    Defiant
    Demean
    Depression
    Derams
    Desert
    Desire
    Desire To Escape
    Destiny
    Diabetes
    Diabetic
    Direction
    Disappointment
    Discomfort
    Dissatisfaction
    Distraction
    Doubt
    Doubting Thomas
    Dreams
    Easter
    Eating Disorders
    Empowerment
    Entertainment
    Entreprenuer
    Erwin McManus
    Exodus 14:21
    Expectations
    Extraordinary Life
    Faith
    Father
    Fatigue
    Favor
    Fear
    Fears
    Finances
    Financial Crisis
    Financial Pressure
    Financial Stress
    Fitness
    Florida
    Flu
    Focus
    Follow Me
    Friend
    Friends
    Fruit Of The Spirit
    Generosity
    Germantown
    Getting Over Fears
    Giants
    Gifts
    Goals
    God
    God Shot
    God's Will
    Golden Rule
    Good Friday
    Grace
    Gratitude
    Great Shepherd
    Growth
    Gut
    Gypsy
    Hank Fortner
    Happiness
    Happy
    Happy Heart
    Happy Hours
    Happy Life
    Happy Mind
    Happy New Year
    Happy Thanksgiving
    Healing
    Health
    Healthy
    Heartbroken
    Heaven
    Higher Power
    Hiking
    Hillsong
    Holidays
    Holy Spirit
    Hope
    Human Journey
    Identity
    Impact
    In Between A Rock And A Hard Place
    Indecision
    Indentity
    Indignant
    Inner Joy
    Inner Transformation
    Instinct
    Insult
    Intention
    Intuition
    Jacksonville
    Jesus
    Jesus' Arms
    Job Hunting
    Joby Martin
    Joel 2:25
    Joel Osteen
    Joe Smith
    Joseph Campbell
    Josh Turner
    Journey
    Joy
    Joyce Meyers
    Joy Killers
    Jumping To Conclusions
    Kim McManus
    Kindness
    King Of My Heart
    King Of The Jews
    Knoweledge
    Labor Day
    Law Enforcement
    Leadership
    Leap Of Faith
    Letting Go
    Lies
    Life
    Life Balance
    Life Lessons
    Life Navigation
    Life On Life's Terms
    Life Or Debt
    Life Purpose
    Life Script
    Linda Dillow
    Live Love Lead
    Live Show Production
    Longing
    Lonliness
    Loose Ends
    Los Angeles
    Love
    Lower Vibrations
    Making The Best Of Things
    Making The Old New Again
    Malibu
    Margaret Shepard
    Math
    Meaning
    Meditation
    Melanoma
    Memphis
    Mercy
    Messages
    Metamorphosis
    Midnight Moments
    Ministry
    Ministry Leadership
    Miracles
    Mirage
    Mistakes
    Mitzvah
    Mockery
    Mosaic
    Moving
    Music
    Nashville
    New Job
    New Year
    New Year Resolutions
    Nomad
    Nudges
    Opportunity
    Option Overload
    Outbursts
    Pain
    Parable
    Passion
    Pasture
    Path
    Patricia Newton
    Paul
    Peace
    Perception
    Perseverance
    Perspective
    Philando Castile
    Phillipians
    Phillipians 4:11-13
    Plane
    Planning
    Plot
    Plot Twist
    Police
    Police Departments
    Policing
    Power
    Praise
    Prayer
    Preparation
    Pressure
    Production
    Promises
    Prompting
    Propellers
    Propel Women
    Prosperity
    Protection
    Public Speaking
    Purpose
    Redeemed Esteem
    Red Sea
    Regrets
    Relationships
    Reliance
    Repairs
    Reroute
    Resolution
    Resolutions
    Resurrection
    Retail Life
    Returning Home
    Rewards
    Ridicule
    RiverTown
    Road
    Robert Frost
    Role Model
    Romantic Comedy
    Rookie
    Russ Austin
    Saint
    Satisfaction
    Satisfied Life
    Savior
    Scripture
    Seasons
    Seasons In Life
    Self Belief
    Self Doubt
    Self Harm
    Self-harm
    Self Respect
    Self Sabotage
    Self-sabotage
    Self Talk
    Self-torture
    Self Worth
    Serenity
    Seth MacFarlane
    Shavasana
    Sheep
    Shepherd
    Shift In Perspective
    Sin
    Sinner
    Sober
    Sober Birthday
    Sober Life
    Sobriety
    Social Anxiety
    Soul
    Soul Journey
    Soul Transformation
    Southpoint Community Church
    So Will I
    Spiritual Healing
    Step 4
    Step 5
    Steve Jobs
    Steve Maraboli
    Stress
    Stress Response
    Stubborn
    Stuck
    Success
    Suffering
    Sugar
    Suicidal Dreams
    Suicidal Thoughts
    Suicide
    Surrender
    Sustainer
    Taurus
    Tebow
    Temper
    Tennessee
    Testimony
    Thanksgiving
    Thought Life
    Timid
    Timing
    Tim Tebow
    Tithing
    Trail Life
    Tranquility
    Transformation
    Trekking
    Trust
    Truth
    Twist Of Fate
    Unemployment
    Unwanted Feelings
    Unwanted Thoughts
    Upheaval
    Value
    Vegan
    Vegetarian
    Veteran
    Victory
    Victory In Defeat
    Victory While Suffering
    Visions
    Voices
    Voices In The Garden
    Waterfall
    Waves
    Waves Of Life
    Weed
    What If
    Willlingness
    Winds Of Change
    Wisdom
    Wonderlust
    Word
    World Adoption Day
    Worship
    Worth
    Wreck
    Writer
    Wrong Turn
    Xanax
    Yeshua
    Yield
    Yoga
    Zachary Levi
    Zeal

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly
  • Home
  • Mental Health
  • Spiritual Living
  • Blog Archives