At the end of this month I will somehow have five years of sobriety!  What a whirlwind it has been!  I feel like I have been and still am on a tour through all of the things Jessica needs to improve about herself.  What can I say?  When you spend the most important years of your life in a bottle you just don’t learn to do life, much less respond to it.
 
At this stage of the game, I know I have to find some financial security for myself.  I am making financial security priority number one.  I have been focusing my job search on higher education in Memphis and in the not too far away cities though there is a part of me that would like to be back on a coast.  I know that staying in Memphis would be the best decision financially, but I also know one should never put all of their eggs in one basket.  I am also looking at a few other career options outside of higher education…both in Memphis and outside of Memphis.
 
I guess it is just time to do some adulting.  I have five years of sobriety, but I still have trouble handling stress and it has changed the type of jobs I go after.  I often find myself comparing myself to a hurricane…. I definitely feel as though I am one.  I roar into the office in the morning, wreak havoc all day, then roar out in the evening to the gym.  To be frank, I pretty much do this everywhere I go.  I expend a lot of energy that could be used elsewhere.  Someone said I should try flipping my schedule – working out in the morning and doing yoga in the evening.  I don’t know… I have very unstable blood sugar so I am not sure how that would affect things, but I might try it once I land a new job.
 
One of the bigger elephants in the room is the fact that I cannot seem to find a way to be happy.  Every city I have lived in had something I hated about it.  Every church I have attended had something I hated about it.  Every job I have held had something I hated about it.  One could argue and possibly win the notion that everything I have ever been a part of had something wrong with it.  It has always been after I have left a place or an institution that I could really appreciate it for what it was and continues to be.  And so after five years of sobriety, I have to ask the question, is it me?  The answer is most likely yes.  So then what?  I guess I must get to the adulting.  Find a career I don’t mind doing that will pay me a living wage and afford me the time off I need to do the traveling I want to do and start enjoying life for what it is instead of what it could be. 
 
For some strange reason “Happy” always seems to be in the future with me, but the problem is if “Happy” is always in the future, then it is never in my present and I cannot experience it.  That whole life on life’s terms thing in AA is my lesson right now.  I have to do life on life’s terms, be grateful for what I do have and find a way to enjoy the blessings I have been given.  How this works out in my day-to-day hurricane lifestyle… I do not know, but this is to be my lesson for year five of sobriety!  I guess, in part, I just realize my age and realize that I am far more emotionally stable than I have ever been (I know it doesn’t sound like it) and I want to capitalize on the gratitude I do have and enjoy every experience I can.  To do this, I have to find a way to calm down and stop complaining!
 
I don’t know if I will be staying in Memphis or moving somewhere else, but I do know that I have my work cut out for me in the year ahead.  I am looking forward to getting back on my feet financially and I am looking forward to enjoying all of the new experiences this year will bring.

Well, California, if it makes you feel any better, I too am in what feels like a burn season.  I lost the job I have been trying to get rid of, had a biopsy done, got rear-ended by a dude in surgery scrubs who wasn’t paying attention and may now loose my car to the wonderful state of Florida who has all the laws it doesn’t need and none of the laws it does need.  As we all know you can kill people and get away with it here in Florida, but to make it easier for killers, crazies and terrorists, the great state of Florida allows anyone to buy a gun with no wait and no background check.  Anywho, that’s a soapbox for another day.  Life can just sweep you off your feet in the worst way possible and that is what it is doing to me right now. 
 
I was able to get another job within two weeks, but the job is still low pay.  I believe it is going to average out to about $20 more a pay check so I guess I can say that I did move up, albeit a very tiny step in the right direction.  The good news is that I have good benefits and much more time off.  My work days are shorter, I get more holidays and I have a shut down at Thanksgiving and Christmas which means I will be able to go home and see my family.  For those of you who haven’t caught on yet, I am now in the field of higher education.  This is a career field I have been thinking about because it is historically good for women, has longevity, great benefits and depending on the university and department within the university – there is ample time off that you don’t get unless you are in education or entertainment production.  All of which are pluses in my book.  So while I may still be in a monetary pinch, I am seeing this as a launching pad sort of opportunity.  I will be learning the ins and outs of a controller’s office and in a few years I can either jump to an internal opening or jump to another university and they have those everywhere!  So it is not all doom and gloom for this gypsy heart lady.
 
The ministry side of life is going strong.  I am taking on some more responsibility in my Celebrate Recovery home group.  Aside from leading the ladies share group, I will be doing more talking in large group, co-leading a fall step-study and getting my teaching feet wet by providing the training portion of the CR leadership meetings.  I love my Friday nights with my ladies and am excited to learn and grow as a Celebrate Recovery ministry leader. 
 
Now that I know I will be remaining in Jacksonville for a while, I need to pick a church home.  I feel like I am repeating my Los Angeles days all over again.  I started out at a church where I felt something was off, but I ignored the feeling and tried everything I could to find a place to belong.  After a year long battle, I stepped away from church #1 and started visiting a couple other churches and one of them became home, my tribe and my life for the remainder of my time in Los Angeles.  I seem to be doing the exact same thing on the other side of the country.  I picked a church and made it home even though I felt something was off, tried everything I could to find a place t belong, but in the end I find myself stepping away.  I guess I am hoping that what happened in Los Angeles will happen here in Jacksonville, that I will find my Mosaic here on the east coast. 
 
While I don’t know what is going to happen with my car at this moment, I do have peace about the situation.  The insurance company is doing everything they can to help me, but in the end, if the bumper comes off and the body shop reports frame damage, I will loose my car.  I have fought and fought to keep my car, but it hit me the other night, that this might be one of those saving grace moments.  If my transmission or some other major repair was suddenly needed, I might not be able to afford to fix the car and I cannot finance a car right now so I would be in serious trouble.  Perhaps, I am losing my car and getting a little cash to buy another one (emphasis on little cash which is the issue) because something is about to go wrong with the car I am fighting so hard to keep.  I can’t see what lies ahead, but Jesus can and He might have orchestrated the whole rear-ending event to save me from something I cannot see.  In sobriety they tell you that you that your life is like an onion.  Our lives, our emotions, our attitudes, our opinions, our perceptions and our actions form the layers around the core of the onion  and it is in recovery that we begin the process of peeling back those layers to get to the core of who we really are.  I feel that I have been peeling back the layers of surrender these past few weeks.  The idea of surrender is a huge component of the 12 steps, but the day-to-day surrender takes on new meaning when you begin to realize that you really don’t have much control when it comes to anything except your response to every day life.  If you are like me and like to have everything done a certain way and in a certain time frame then you have even more of a struggle with the daily letting go and truly letting God.
 
Everything good is grace and everything bad is the stuff Jesus holds your hand through until we get to abide in His arms.  It is hard to take a step back and surrender to a life event, but it is what is required.  We like to think that we have all the answers, but many times it is our decisions and our will that gets us into the tight spots in life.  We thought we were right, we thought we had the plan, but then something happens to shake everything up and we get rerouted and more often than not, we look back and say thank you Jesus for rerouting me out of that disaster!  In order to get rerouted we had to come to a moment of surrender that we did not like and move in a direction we did not want or anticipate, but that decision to let go and move in the direction God was apparently moving, is what rescued us.

This last month has been a whirlwind of emotions.  I went from loving my surroundings and my church to wanting to leave and never look back only to find myself thinking maybe it’s not the end of the world if I stay here a little bit longer.  The bottom line is I have to do something and after glancing at my savings account I think I know what I have to do.  As much as I would love to get back to a bigger city, I need to stop pre-judging every opportunity that comes my way.  I also need to be realistic about my current financial situation and that means accepting an opportunity within my preferred salary range either here in Jacksonville or back in Memphis and sticking with the job for the next few years so I can get my debt paid off, replenish my savings account, buy a new car, buy a new Macbook and buy a new Galaxy. I am literally living on borrowed time with all three of those absolutely necessary items!  I mean I know my phone is old, but I didn’t realize how old until I was until I was taking a picture of a lion at the Catty Shack Ranch.  Everyone was lined up along the fence, zooming in for the perfect shot and I couldn’t believe the captures of the people next to me.  I might as well been standing there shaking a Polaroid.  At least that’s how I felt. 
 
Anywho… Once I allow myself to accept a boring (my perception) new job with a decent salary, I will be able to put the focus back on my writing, my video devotional series and the books I have planned to write! I will also have more energy to devote to the ministry leadership opportunities that are currently sitting in my lap.  I guess what it all comes down to is trust.  I am going to have to give up, give in and trust that God knows exactly what He is doing.  I would like to say that I am in the Hall of Fame when it comes to trusting God.  I have certainly trusted Him with some pretty big items: keeping me cancer free, the move to LA, and the move to Florida.  While I might find it easier to trust Him with the big-ticket items above (items I feel I cannot control) I am realizing that I don’t trust Him when I have or feel that I have partial control.  It’s like if I can touch it then I can screw it up so it must not be in the cards type of thinking.  I have to come to a point where I realize what walking in grace actually means.  I had a conversation with Jesus this afternoon regarding some opportunities – good opportunities – that I totally flaked.  I told Him that I guessed those type of opportunities were long gone considering my inability to accept parachute number 250.  His words to me were this “Did you not think I would know how long it would take you to relinquish your control?  Do you still not realize that you always walk in My grace?” 
 
Perhaps it is time to start trusting God for all the things I secretly want in and for my life.  Not begging for them, not petitioning for them, but just trusting for them to appear when they are supposed to appear.  Perhaps it is time to realize that while there may be a direct route to where we each want to go in life, we seldom ever choose it.  If we did, we’d miss out on so much.  Besides, don’t the best things in life come in unexpected packages?  I think I’ve heard that somewhere.  So maybe, just maybe…when life pushes you into a corner thereby taking away your ability to pick and choose – it’s actually for your own good. 

The definition of corral is to gather together and confine.  Synonyms include capture, collect, enclose, lock up and shut in – in other words trap.  This might explain why I feel so trapped these days.  God spoke to me recently and He told me I was being corralled into a very tight space so He can direct me to the right pasture. His words, not mine.  His thought, not mine.  I am a Taurus through and through and trying to corral a Taurus is like trying to corral the most stubborn and aggressive bull on the planet, but I do like that word ‘pasture’. 
 
I feel like I am on a rotating merry go round of phases of corralling.  In Phase 1 I am cocky and fighting back non-stop.  In Phase 2 I realize I am trapped and I start freaking out and trying to find a way to escape.  In Phase 3 I am teary-eyed and weary with a willingness to relent, give-in and give-up.  There is a Phase 4 – the phase in which one has waved their white flag, fully given up and accepted their new reality.  In other words – they have stopped kicking and screaming allowing the Rancher to open the gate to a new and uncharted pasture – a pasture created especially for the individual walking into it.  A pasture that will be well – liked.  Unfortunately, I am stuck rotating relentlessly in and out of phases 1, 2 & 3.
 
I cannot stay where I am, but I don’t necessarily want to leave either.  I need a career and not just a job, but Jacksonville doesn’t exactly offer what I am looking for.  It can, but those positions are not numerous and are usually given to the friend of a friend, which I am not.  It sounds weird, but I like the trees here.  I also really starting to appreciate the church I attend and I really love my involvement in CR, the close proximity to the beach and the weather!  What I really like is that I feel like I can be used here, that I can have a voice here.  I didn’t feel this way in Los Angeles.  I couldn’t relate to many of the actors and entertainers I encountered there.  I can relate to people here and I think the feeling that I can be used combined with all the other things I like about Jax is what is making me want to stay. 
 
The thing is I don’t have anyone to rely on – it is just me versus the world and if I don’t make some sort of move soon – the world is going to win.  It is only a matter of time before something gives and I am ruined.  This is why I keep rotating through phases 1, 2 & 3 of corralling.  There is a large part of me that wants to stay in Jacksonville, but when I look at the larger picture financially along with the type of jobs available in Jacksonville – I feel that I am most likely facing another move.  On the one hand, I know that wherever God leads, it will be good, but on the other hand, I want to take control and stay.  I feel as though I need to choose between where I want to live and having the job I want.  I am just conflicted.  In the past when God wanted to move me, He made it abundantly clear and I was ready for it.  This time I am not ready, not very willing and not very clear.  It is more of a general knowledge that if I want a job like A, B or C – I will most likely have to move somewhere else to get it.  As I said earlier, Jacksonville has these jobs, but they are rare and given to friends, not strangers.  Of course, something could give and also force me to give up and just get another job – a much better paying one, but still another j-o-b and stay in Jacksonville.
 
The number one thing I need to do right now is stay open to what God wants to do and trust that He will direct my path just like He directed me away from the Kansas City opportunity.  I need to stop fearing that I am going to make the wrong decision and start trusting that if I do consider a misstep, that God will course correct like He always does.  I seriously want to get a tattoo that reads “Stay Gypsy”  “Stay in His Wind” on my forearm so I can read it all day every day.  I need these phrases written everywhere to remind myself to stay connected to His Wind and not necessarily this world.  And like they say – if you are trying to hold on to something, you probably need to let it go.
 
And of course the one giant elephant in this conversation that has not been broached is the fact that when one is being corralled, one is most certainly going to be doing the exact opposite of what one wants to do – otherwise it wouldn’t be called corralling.  Do you think the sheep want to go into the pen?  No, they don’t.  They want to stay out in the field even though there is no grass left for them to eat and they run everywhere except where the Rancher is trying to get them “Bahhhhing” all the way until they finally collapse from exhaustion and go in their pen only to find that the Rancher was corralling them so he could get them into a new pasture full of lush green grass and rolling hills for their delight.  The key for the sheep is yielding to and trusting their rancher and it is the same for you and me.  There is a reason Jesus is referred to as the Great Shepherd and it has nothing to do with the literal act of herding sheep.

What Up Folks!  So far 2016 is looking a lot like 2015 only with less sweetness because I gave up extraneous sugar for this 21 day fasting thing.  I surprisingly did not have a hard time without my fix of fro-yo every weekend.  I did, however, find it hard to not buy any sweets at the grocery store, which is why I am glad I kicked the sugar as my way of participating in a fast.  It is easy to break promises I make to myself; it is harder to break promises I make to God.  I can actually recall myself tooling down the frozen isle scoping out some new fro-yo only to remember “oh wait, this is a God promise. CRAP!” and I tooled on along down the isle and out of frozen land.  While I have not officially lost any weight yet, my stomach is flatter and this improvement is all I need to keep extraneous sugar kicked out of my life!
 
On another front, I can say that my excitement for church is coming back!  I have no idea how either.  All I know is that once I finally relented and started going to the church that I felt God was constantly re-routing me to – something changed on the inside.  I have found that I wake up excited on Sunday mornings even though my situation has not changed.  I still go to church alone, sit alone, leave alone and go home to hang out alone, but I have an excitement that I cannot understand, an excitement beyond all understanding if you will.  This is something I have been wrestling with while in Jacksonville.  I have told God that I don’t like not having the excitement I had in LA.  I told Him I want to enjoy my Sundays again, I want that excitement back, I want Sundays to be legendary again.  Somehow the excitement is back and I am very grateful for it.  I guess it lets me know that I can have joy in the middle of what was a situation that brought nothing but disappointment and tears.   That’s definitely something, a God something, a Philippians 4:11-13 something.  I also changed where I sit.  I like to be in the middle of the action so I sit down front now regardless of when I arrive. I used to relent and go up the stairs and found that it interfered with my participation in service.   They have these usher/bouncer dudes all over the place and I just make them find me a seat as close to the front as possible. I mean it is their job so why not let them be of service.
 
I am also trying to dig deeper in my Celebrate Recovery involvement.  While I have been a facilitator/leader for the ladies share group at the beaches, I have only been fulfilling the role in the small group session itself.  This past month I have been digging deeper in that I have been focusing on building better relationships with the women who come to the beaches CR.  Instead of talking to friends at the café afterwards, I am focusing on talking to some of the ladies in the group, trying to get more of a feel for where they are in life, where they are mentally and where they are spiritually.  I want to be an encourager, a cheer leader, an ear, and a guide for these ladies in their own battles and the only way to do this is to spend time with them and so far I am loving what I am learning.
 
I have had that Live Love Lead book by Brian Houston for a while now, but just recently started to read it.  I came home from the grocery store on Saturday and felt a prompting to go to the beach.  Due to the cold weather I hadn’t been in about a month and it was a sweet 67 degrees and already 3pm so I decided to head to the closest beach for some relaxation.  As I was leaving I felt the nudge to pick up Brian’s book so I grabbed it with no intention of actually reading it.  Once I got to the beach I was glad to see some soft sand and nestled in to watch the waves roll in and out.  I find their rhythm hypnotizing and healing.  The waves do something for me that I cannot do for myself and after my recent vacation I found that the sound of the waves can be just as beneficial and so I took out the book and started reading.  I got through the introduction and the first two chapters and feel that God was trying to re-confirm His plans for me, my ministry calling and His promise in the verse He has gave me last year. (Joel 2:25) 
 
Life has just been hard and it is getting harder.  The pressure is on at a level that I have never experienced.  I know I have to make a move, but the move I want to make and the move that is most likely going to be available are not the same.  To make matters worse, I am conflicted about staying in Jacksonville.  In Los Angeles I had everything I wanted, but felt that something was off, that I wasn’t supposed to stay and that prompting turned into busted fire hydrant pressure.  Here in Jacksonville, I have nothing that I want, but feel complete peace and have absolutely no prompting to do anything except focus on the tasks I feel God has given me like this blog, the new video series, a possible memoir and continuing with ministry leadership training.  It is so strange especially since I know that I have to make a career change due to impending financial ruin.  Jacksonville does not seem to offer the career options I am looking for and I feel very conflicted about leaving and more frankly I don’t even know if I can leave at this point.  You could say that just like I relented on the church I felt God leading me attend, I am ready to relent on Jacksonville and so I tell God daily – If you want me here – then plant me.  If not, then move me.  But whatever You do, do it quickly - One thing I am looking forward to is the job hunt being over!  I need to focus on the video series and I cannot do that if I am spending an hour a night job hunting.  That hour should be creating time if not resting and relaxation time.  I can’t keep going on all cylinders all day and all night, especially with a job that drains ones soul like mine does.  To be frank, I need a minute and some fun to boot.
 
Overall, I do have a good start to the new year.  Eating is going better thanks again to the fasting thing at church.  I am delving deeper into ministry leadership, looking for a better paying job, making an effort to venture out more via local Meetup groups and in a few weeks I will be participating in a small group and the women’s ministry stuff for the spring semester at my church.  All of these are in my goals for 2016 and to quote my calendar for the month of February…

I have written so many versions of this blog that I am not even sure what number I am at this point.  God has been doing a lot of talking and I have been listening for a change. 
 
A couple of months ago I started a frenzied job hunt that resulted in a possible position with a Christian non-profit in Kansas City.  As soon as that happened I started questioning whether or not I could actually leave the coast.  I also started looking into the reason why I felt like I should be so thankful that an organization across the country felt that I was a qualified top candidate.  Why was I risking everything to move across the country to what as might as well be the tundra to my SoCal-Flori skin?  The answer was fear.  I realized that I was afraid that nothing else would come along.  I was afraid that no one else would want to hire me.  I was afraid that given my current state of financial crisis I should just take whatever I can get wherever I can get it or else anger God.  I was afraid of past so-called mistakes like that job in Nashville I rejected.  I was afraid that I was making another mistake by not going for it and I was afraid I was making a mistake by going for it.  I was just afraid and while I don’t know much I do know that making a decision based on fear will almost always lead you somewhere you don’t want to be.
 
I spent the day after Christmas on my front porch.  I just sat outside and enjoyed the 79 degree day and the sweet breeze available on the front porch.  As I sat there sipping soda (something I don’t normally drink) I felt God enter into a conversation with me.  He began with “You know it’s not too late to live out your dream of living on the water?  With the right opportunity and your continued financial management, there is no reason why you can’t begin your own beach front bargain hunt in ten years or less.  As long as you are either working on or near (within an hour or two) the water you could have your primary residence on the water!”  In all honesty, I had forgotten about this life long dream of mine.  But God hadn’t forgotten at all, in fact, it never slipped His mind.  He really does know my heart better than I do.
 
I guess I had kind of given up.  I am 35, single and in a financial pit in the middle of a financial desert with no help in sight.  One unfortunate instance could have me packing up a rental car and heading back to Tennessee in defeat.  Those reading my blog on the regular know how hard the move to Jacksonville has been on me.  I left a great church and great friends in Los Angeles only to find myself unable to find any sort of community in Jacksonville.  I have been straddling two churches and trying to get involved at both and my efforts have frankly been a giant disappointment.  No one seems to be interested in knowing me.  I do have one friend here that I am very grateful for and we do hang out most weekends, which helps a lot, but my happiness cannot depend on one person and it never should.  I need a community and I cannot seem to find one no matter how hard I try, no matter how many groups I join or events I attend.  I didn’t have to try in Los Angels – everything just kind of fell into place.  Jacksonville has been quite the opposite and my job has been the worst part of it all.  I am use to being in a rather mobile position that includes a lot of social interaction, but my current job involves me sitting at a desk all day long and staring into a computer without so much as a peep from my co-workers.  YUCK!  Of course, I never meant to be in this job this long – it was a till I get myself sorted out and find something good sort of job that somehow has almost lasted a year.  The people are bad, the work is bad, the hours are bad and the money is really bad as is the vacation and holidays.  I know I am worth so much more.  It is just a matter of finding someone else who thinks so at this point.  Of course I also want to make sure the next position I take is a better fit for my personality and financial future.  I want something I can stick with for a while.
 
The interesting thing that came out of the KC option was that I found a new appreciation for where I live regardless of how disappointing my daily life.  I live in a city on the beach.  I can sit with the waves any time I want.  I even have a new appreciation for the church I find myself going to these days.  While it is no Mosaic, it is a good substitute.  I cried through most of the service today.  The guy speaking ( don’t know who he was as he forgot to introduce himself) spoke on what happens when the escalator stops and you have to make a move.  It was about endings, seasons in life and how sometimes you don’t know what to do, but it doesn’t mean you should stop either.  He talked about how many of us feel like we are on plan triple Z when in fact, we are actually on Plan A.  If God knows everything, then He knew every decision, mistake and stupid action we were going to make and it is all included in His plan.  We didn’t run a million miles in the wrong direction only to miss out on His blessings.  As long as we strive to keep Him first in everything we do – we are on plan A.  I guess I needed to hear that.  I mean if I had said yes to that Nashville job,  I would have never gone to Los Angeles and if I hadn’t gone to Los Angeles I would have never gotten sober around the best recovery in the world and I would have never found Mosaic and never been lit on fire by Erwin and Hank and never met the amazing friends who love me for who I am and taught me that I am lovable.  Had I never gone to Los Angeles, I would have never learned how to survive the entertainment industry, which taught me so much in life and in work.  Had I never gone to Los Angeles, I might not have heard of Celebrate Recovery.  Had I not left Los Angeles when I felt called to Jacksonville, I would not have had the time to get involved in CR, become a small group facilitator, write and give my testimony and I wouldn’t have been open to going through the Redeemed Esteem class at Celebration.  If I hadn’t said no to Nashville and yes to Los Angeles – I don’t know who I would be right now.  Maybe the decisions we look back on as our biggest mistake are actually the best decisions we ever made. 
 
God said something else to me recently and it was not sweet or reassuring.  The pastor from Celebration Orlando spoke in Jacksonville recently and while I was minding my own business (my antennas were erected) keeping watch on a guy who peeked my interest and partially listening to this dude named Josh tell a story about a conversation he had with his wife, a bomb detonated.  The story was something about his wife asking why it had taken this long for him to get an opportunity like the one he was about to embark on (I think he was about to speak at one of the Hillsong locations) and he claims that the Holy Spirit immediately told him that his character could not sustain the platforms he was seeking.  This catapulted me out of dreamland and into the reality that this little nugget was for me.  Insert frownie face.  I immediately wrote that quote down and a few other things and haven’t looked at the page since.  I didn’t need to, I know exactly what God was referring to – my inability to not act like a 35 year old going on the terrible twos on a really shouldn’t be regular basis.  Ever since that sermon, I have been acutely aware of everything I do that has to change!  It’s horrible.  I really do have to find a way to ride the wave of life without say throwing the church program down, pouting through worship, refusing to greet anyone and yelling at the traffic guy for trying to direct me around the traffic circle (I’m not stupid!)  In other news I might have had a complete melt down at a Christmas Eve service this year and it pretty much included every verbal and nonverbal thing I do that has to stop!  I like to blame my little outbursts on being a Scots-Irish Taurus Female who is diabetic and sober and trying to deal with it all, but I guess it is time to put my big girl britches on and stop acting a fool.  I have to if I want to step onto the platforms for Christ that I desire.
 
And with that I give you my 2016 Resolutions.  Some of you may find them a bit vague, but for where I am right now, they are exactly what I need to make my focus for 2016:

1. Get my health back via proper eating and working out as I have fallen into quite a few bad habits in my seclusion here in Jacksonville.
2. Obtain a good paying job I will enjoy and stay with for a while. (Jesus has a big part to play in this, but I have big part too seeing as how I should know what works and what doesn’t by now.)
3. Successfully launch my new video series/Youtube Channel – I am still in the content creation stage.
4. Work on my character (errr outbursts) so that it can sustain the platforms I desire.
5. Go to the beach more!  I live here.  It is my peace.  I should enjoy it more often.
6. Do more adventuring – hiking, kayaking, SUP and visiting neighboring towns.
7. Get involved at Celebration since that seems to be where I am landing.

 
All in all, I want to appreciate the people, places and things in my life and continue striving toward the dreams God has placed in my heart while staking a claim for my own place in the sun/sand.
 
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Change, my friends, is the name of the game.  God has been gently making me aware of why nothing seems to be happening for me here in bright, sunny California.  I mentioned in a previous post that I have been pondering the idea that my sobriety might have been why I was led here and that since I am now sober, my time here might be up.  Over the past few months, God has been making this more and more clear to me and I believe I know where He wants me too.   

It’s like God has taken my dreams and started replacing them with His own.  It feels weird.  Once, I knew what direction my life needed to take, I began badgering God for a place to land.  I know the words ‘badgering God’ don’t sound too smart, but I felt that I needed more direction than ‘leave LA and look for stuff like this…’ And so over the course of a week I would get up each day asking God where He wanted me and I would see a map with a circle over one half of the country.  Each day I would ask the same question and each day the circle would get smaller and smaller and smaller until it was over a city.   I know of this city, but I have never been there; however, after doing some research, it does meet a lot of my requirements: on the coast, at least medium sized, good weather, lower cost of living, etc.  It’s crazy for me to even think of moving right now and I have let God know that it seems financially impossible at the moment so I am leaning on Him for this potential move.  I also cannot fathom leaving the friendships I have here, some of which are just beginning to blossom.  And then there is Mosaic – I get up each Sunday excited for worship, excited for a brain challenge from Erwin and Hank and I simply cannot fathom finding a place that matches the energy of this faith community I now call home.  But more than anything, I know I want to be where God wants me because if I am not where He is, it won’t matter how I position myself; the doors will remain locked.

The real uprooting that is taking place in my life is the ripping out of the belief that I am simply not good enough for anything or anyone that God has planned for me.  I guess this has always been an underlying current in my life from sports to career to men to my overall social graces.  It started one night when I was looking at myself in the mirror and getting superbly upset and Jesus reminded me of that day I actually saw myself in the reflection of a man’s sunglasses.  My entire rib cage was exposed.  I had no idea I was that skinny.  I never saw it reflected back to me.  The mirrors I look into only reflect an overweight and hideous looking person.  Then God reminded me about how I tend to get unwanted attention from men.  They always have to look me up and down about five times before they start talking and they have to whistle or say something stupid… Jesus reminded me, in that moment, that I cannot see myself correctly.  Later that night Jesus tapped me on the shoulder while I was going to sleep and said, “It’s time to deal with this.  We have to for what is coming.”  I simply replied, “Okay, but You’re gonna have to do it because I cannot even begin to deal with all that encompasses.” Crazy thing is… He is doing just that. He has made me acutely aware of how much I bash myself on a daily basis.  I mean every other sentence is nothing but self-degradation whether it be my appearance, my efficiency, or my brain.  It wasn’t long before He was cutting me off and by that I mean that internal pulling that makes you stop talking mid-sentence and you’re like yeah sorry and you move on to another topic.  At this point, I can’t even get those sentences out of my mouth.  I mean I’m even starting to like the way I look in the mirror! That’s a first, people, that’s a first.  Jesus is doing exactly as I asked, He’s uprooting this unhealthy and limiting belief from my life and I have absolutely nothing to do with it.  It’s just happening.  But then again, that’s the God I serve.  He never gets angry or frustrated with my incredible humanness.  He just meets me where I am, only giving me what I can handle, always calling me to a greater purpose and He never fails to carry me when required.

Perhaps next month, I will be able to share about the new dreams God has placed in my heart.  I feel like God has taken the dreams and plans I had on the front burner and replaced them with the dreams I had put on the back burner.   I never really got on the whole Tebow bandwagon, but I have been looking into him lately because it appears God might be doing the same with him in that he seems to have also had two very different goals in life and per recent events, God seems very concerned with the one and not so much with the other.  I guess time will tell if he stays on his new road or gets diverted back to the NFL.   And time will reveal whether I will be starting down my own new road and whether that road is here in LA or in a city on the other side of the country that looks really nice from a Google Maps perspective.    

Oh and one more thing! In case you haven’t heard already, November 9th, 2014 is the first ever World Adoption Day!!!  Spread the word to adoptive hearts everywhere whether they were adopted, have adopted or are interested in learning more about adoption.  World Adoption Day is a global celebration of life and family and we want everyone involved!  Go to worldadpotionday.org to find out more!