Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for surely he will receive it.

I have to admit I have been upset lately.  I desperately want to move into a different part of the entertainment industry, but have suffered repeated failures.  I have been on at least 15 interviews where I was labeled a “top candidate” only to have the door slammed in my face.  This past month I happened upon two amazing production coordinator opportunities that would have had me in creative meetings with writers, directors and producers on a daily basis.  Oh, the things I could have learned and the money I could have earned!  Sadly, after two more great interviews with great feedback, I came up empty handed yet again.  It just sucks.  I purposely put all of my energy into a job blitz because I knew once the end of January came, I would be busy most week nights and unable to devote time to job hunting.  What’s more is that I am really feeling the nudge from above to get back into my writing which takes more time away from the little time I have to job hunt.  I am one frustrated soul right now.

The word expectation has been coming up a lot recently.  In AA, I have been told you need to make a list of what you want to accomplish in sobriety and share it with your higher power.  I have been told by friends that I must create a bucket list and share it with God so that He and I can work together to mark off all the things I want to see, do and experience while I am on planet earth.  In a mission-training group for which I am taking part, I was told the opening quote and made to list expectations for this training and subsequent mission trip. I will tell you right now that I do not like having expectations due to the fact that my expectations are not usually found in my reality. 

Having said this, a Soul’s Goals class I took through The Daily Love came to mind.  In this class I learned that it is one thing to set goals and expectations for your life and quite another to set realistic goals and expectations.  And then there is the fact that you have to keep resetting these goals as you move through life experiencing what is working and what is not working or as the goals themselves begin to morph into new goals and expectations.  It is with this in mind that I took a look at my life goals and expectations and decided that it was my focus that needed to change.  My job hunting is going to have to be set on the back burner and it is my writing that will be set on the front burner for 2014.  This does not mean that I am going to stop putting effort into finding and obtaining a learning opportunity in TV or Film; it just means that I cannot allow it to be my focus any longer.  It is time to create, it is time to prepare for my own creative venture and if I obtain a better paying and more creative day job in the process – well then that’s just icing on the cake.  This city has tried to kick me out several times, but I know I came here for a reason and I am not leaving until I can tell all of you about the real reason I moved half way across the country and settled in the city of angels.

I have to be honest that these first two months in Los Angeles have not been easy.  For one, I am up in the valley and apparently “no one hires people from up there”.  Second, I happen to live with six female college students who don’t speak a lick of English as they are all from the great land that owns us, China.  Being from China you would think they would be at least a little tidy, but they are just like American college students in that they are filthy and apparently under the impression that a fairy is going to clean up after them.  My biggest problem as of right now is parking in that I am not use to having to have cash on hand 24/7 to park and I happen to be out of cash at the moment.  Dear State Farm Bank: Please send me my debit card, as it is of utmost importance that I receive it.  I am also not use to pedestrians being everywhere so if you, a pedestrian, see a silver Impala please look before crossing because I am probably not even aware that you exist.  On the bright side, I am finally starting to get a handle on navigating this giant city and as a result only make one wrong turn per trip, which is an improvement of gigantic proportions.

Boredom and lack of human interaction has also been a major problem in these first two months.  As is being stuck in a hot, un-air conditioned house in the valley that could use some serious TLC.  Moreover, I am facing the fact that I need income as medical bills keep arriving that I cannot pay.  Adding to the boredom and impending financial doom is the fact that I am getting sober for the umpteenth time.  Needless to say, I need something to give and I need it to give now.  Unfortunately, I seem to be sending out resumes left and right and nobody seems to be interested.  Moreover, those that are “interested” only seem to be interested in telling me that I need to “move to the city” or better yet “you need some experience before you can intern here”.  Um, really?  I thought internships were for experience and as a matter of fact, I am in the city!  And for the love of God, the 405 is not that bad!  Suck it up Lalians, Suck it up!

Any who, things got to the point that I felt like I was suppose to receive some sort of key in order to actually live here and without that key I would be doomed to wander the streets as a beggar.  No matter how much I prayed or cried, nothing seemed to be changing.  I felt locked out and I had no one to seek advice from and I didn’t know what to do so I did the only thing I could do… I unloaded all of this on the poor messianic pastor at the messianic synagogue I have been visiting and I did this unloading during the service. He, obviously having dealt with a bunch of crazy people in his life, asked if I had ever tried fasting and prayer.  He said that whenever he needs a breakthrough in life, whether it is financial, relational, emotional or physical, he sets aside a day or a weekend to fast and pray.  He told me that Yeshua, himself, in the seventeenth chapter of Matthew, told His disciples that some problems require fasting and prayer.  As luck would have it, the congregation was having a day of breakthrough prayer and fasting the very next day.  I assume you think I went.  You would be wrong.  I got scared at everyone trying to get me to go so I left the service as quickly as possible.  I must have resembled a dear caught in headlights.  Note to self: flight response is alive and kicking; fight response – not so much.

After I got home, I looked up Matthew chapter seventeen and found in verse twenty-one that Yeshua did indeed say that some things can only be conquered through prayer and fasting so I decided to do my own little version in the solitude and safety of my little rented room in the hot, sticky valley that everyone pretends doesn’t exist.  Being that I have never done this before and being that I always have a bit of method to my madness, I decided to plan out my six hours of prayer and fasting… I’ve never done this before and thought a whole day was a little presumptive of myself. 

Hour 1 (12-1pm) – Praise
Hour 2 (1-2pm) – Prayer
Hour 3 (2-3pm) – Praise
Bathroom Break
Hour 4 (3-4pm) – Scripture
Hour 5 (4-5pm) – Prayer
Hour 6 (5-6pm) – Praise

Okay, so maybe I did a lot more praising than I did praying, but due to a recent realization, I actually connect to God through praise much more than I connect through prayer. While, I could probably do a whole post on all that thought encompasses, it will not be done today.

I do have to say that the experience did not disappoint.  I thought I was going to be bored.  I thought I would not be able to concentrate or run out of things to say, but let me tell you that when the God of the Universe wants to talk, He has a way of commanding your attention beyond all of your human capabilities.  I used the Praise & Worship channel on Pandora for my praise hours and actually found some songs and artists that I really enjoyed.  As for the first hour of prayer… I began by telling my God and King my purpose for this time and explained in detail what I was feeling and what I felt I needed from Him.  After that, I opened up the floor for Him to speak and well, let’s just say He relayed what He needed from me before He could give me what I claimed to so desperately want!  I had recently taken a class entitled Actualizing Your Soul’s Goals with Mastin Kipp from The Daily Love, an online blog and community.  In this class Mastin taught us the difference between goals and intentions and lead us through a series of exercises designed to bring out our own individual purposes for this life.  By the end of the class everyone had a list of intentions, goals and grounded action steps to help them reach the goals that would bring true fulfillment.  I have to say the class was awesome and I was immediately hit between the eyes with the realization of what was keeping me in a very unhealthy cyclical holding pattern from which I was desperate to break free.  I thought the work from that class was done, but during the first hour of prayer God took all of my class work and went much, much deeper.  I ended up spending the last thirty minutes of prayer completely re-writing my intentions, my purpose and something Mastin calls my Major Definite Purpose.  I had gotten ahead of myself in the class and while the majority of what I wrote was and is true, I have work to do before I actually get there.  AMAZING! 

After the initial prayer hour, I continued with my itinerary until I came to the scripture hour.  I actually didn’t have a clue as to what I was going to do with that hour.   I suppose I was planning on looking up some verses on some particular topics I am struggling with but I ended up just asking God to guide me as I opened His book and He did.  It seems He has some things to tell me about life and how one is to live life.  He directed me to several scriptures, one of them being 1 Thessalonians where Paul talks to the new Christians regarding how they are to live their lives and why.  He also led me to look over the Ten Commandments again.  It seems as though God wanted to remind me that He has some advice on this thing called life and that it would be good for me to familiarize myself with such advice both on a physically practical level and on a mentally practical level.

And don’t think the hours of praise were a vacation either.  I strained to really listen to and contemplate the meaning of the words I was singing and in those words I found God speaking loud and clear regarding many aspects of my life.  It is interesting to note that I now feel that my own personal life purpose is to… “Be a blessing to everyone I meet by empowering myself so that I can empower others to live out their own individual purposes thereby sharing their own unique gifts with the world and making the world a better place by having done so.” … When I am so far from being a blessing in any sense of the word to any other human being on this planet.  In simplest terms, I have a lot of transforming to do in terms of what I say and what I do blending into a recognizable harmony.

All in all, I am very happy with the outcome of my first ever day of prayer and fasting and feel it is a great way to reconnect with God, empower yourself when feeling vulnerable or need divine insight into a person or situation.  It is especially useful for times when a breakthrough is needed.  If the door is locked, go to the Person with the key… You know, the Person who created the door and the lock or at least allowed the lock to exist.  Of course, the challenge is to keep your focus on God and His love and NOT on the end result because God will only give you that which you are ready to receive.  Though you can be sure that He will reveal exactly what you need to cultivate in your life in order to be ready for that which you want.

As for me, I guess I was ready.  Let’s just say that the giant door on the entertainment industry appears to now be unlocked.  I have received a multitude of internship opportunities and am in the midst of the selection process as I type this post.  On an even more pleasing note, I am beginning to receive interviews for paid positions within the industry too.  Hopefully, I will land an offer soon and be well on my way to obtaining a place of my own in this land known as La la.