What Up Folks!  So far 2016 is looking a lot like 2015 only with less sweetness because I gave up extraneous sugar for this 21 day fasting thing.  I surprisingly did not have a hard time without my fix of fro-yo every weekend.  I did, however, find it hard to not buy any sweets at the grocery store, which is why I am glad I kicked the sugar as my way of participating in a fast.  It is easy to break promises I make to myself; it is harder to break promises I make to God.  I can actually recall myself tooling down the frozen isle scoping out some new fro-yo only to remember “oh wait, this is a God promise. CRAP!” and I tooled on along down the isle and out of frozen land.  While I have not officially lost any weight yet, my stomach is flatter and this improvement is all I need to keep extraneous sugar kicked out of my life!
 
On another front, I can say that my excitement for church is coming back!  I have no idea how either.  All I know is that once I finally relented and started going to the church that I felt God was constantly re-routing me to – something changed on the inside.  I have found that I wake up excited on Sunday mornings even though my situation has not changed.  I still go to church alone, sit alone, leave alone and go home to hang out alone, but I have an excitement that I cannot understand, an excitement beyond all understanding if you will.  This is something I have been wrestling with while in Jacksonville.  I have told God that I don’t like not having the excitement I had in LA.  I told Him I want to enjoy my Sundays again, I want that excitement back, I want Sundays to be legendary again.  Somehow the excitement is back and I am very grateful for it.  I guess it lets me know that I can have joy in the middle of what was a situation that brought nothing but disappointment and tears.   That’s definitely something, a God something, a Philippians 4:11-13 something.  I also changed where I sit.  I like to be in the middle of the action so I sit down front now regardless of when I arrive. I used to relent and go up the stairs and found that it interfered with my participation in service.   They have these usher/bouncer dudes all over the place and I just make them find me a seat as close to the front as possible. I mean it is their job so why not let them be of service.
 
I am also trying to dig deeper in my Celebrate Recovery involvement.  While I have been a facilitator/leader for the ladies share group at the beaches, I have only been fulfilling the role in the small group session itself.  This past month I have been digging deeper in that I have been focusing on building better relationships with the women who come to the beaches CR.  Instead of talking to friends at the café afterwards, I am focusing on talking to some of the ladies in the group, trying to get more of a feel for where they are in life, where they are mentally and where they are spiritually.  I want to be an encourager, a cheer leader, an ear, and a guide for these ladies in their own battles and the only way to do this is to spend time with them and so far I am loving what I am learning.
 
I have had that Live Love Lead book by Brian Houston for a while now, but just recently started to read it.  I came home from the grocery store on Saturday and felt a prompting to go to the beach.  Due to the cold weather I hadn’t been in about a month and it was a sweet 67 degrees and already 3pm so I decided to head to the closest beach for some relaxation.  As I was leaving I felt the nudge to pick up Brian’s book so I grabbed it with no intention of actually reading it.  Once I got to the beach I was glad to see some soft sand and nestled in to watch the waves roll in and out.  I find their rhythm hypnotizing and healing.  The waves do something for me that I cannot do for myself and after my recent vacation I found that the sound of the waves can be just as beneficial and so I took out the book and started reading.  I got through the introduction and the first two chapters and feel that God was trying to re-confirm His plans for me, my ministry calling and His promise in the verse He has gave me last year. (Joel 2:25) 
 
Life has just been hard and it is getting harder.  The pressure is on at a level that I have never experienced.  I know I have to make a move, but the move I want to make and the move that is most likely going to be available are not the same.  To make matters worse, I am conflicted about staying in Jacksonville.  In Los Angeles I had everything I wanted, but felt that something was off, that I wasn’t supposed to stay and that prompting turned into busted fire hydrant pressure.  Here in Jacksonville, I have nothing that I want, but feel complete peace and have absolutely no prompting to do anything except focus on the tasks I feel God has given me like this blog, the new video series, a possible memoir and continuing with ministry leadership training.  It is so strange especially since I know that I have to make a career change due to impending financial ruin.  Jacksonville does not seem to offer the career options I am looking for and I feel very conflicted about leaving and more frankly I don’t even know if I can leave at this point.  You could say that just like I relented on the church I felt God leading me attend, I am ready to relent on Jacksonville and so I tell God daily – If you want me here – then plant me.  If not, then move me.  But whatever You do, do it quickly - One thing I am looking forward to is the job hunt being over!  I need to focus on the video series and I cannot do that if I am spending an hour a night job hunting.  That hour should be creating time if not resting and relaxation time.  I can’t keep going on all cylinders all day and all night, especially with a job that drains ones soul like mine does.  To be frank, I need a minute and some fun to boot.
 
Overall, I do have a good start to the new year.  Eating is going better thanks again to the fasting thing at church.  I am delving deeper into ministry leadership, looking for a better paying job, making an effort to venture out more via local Meetup groups and in a few weeks I will be participating in a small group and the women’s ministry stuff for the spring semester at my church.  All of these are in my goals for 2016 and to quote my calendar for the month of February…

Ladies and Gents, over the past month I have really forced myself out of the rut that has become my existence.  A serious pulling up of the boot straps if you will.  I have been spending a lot of time alone here in Jax due to my inability to make friends.  I have a couple of people I can place in that category, but overall my life is pretty empty right now.  I found myself gaining weight, not caring about what I looked like or wore and feeling rather pointless.  I mean I couldn’t even bring myself to get a haircut because I couldn’t bring myself to care.  I remembered a phrase spoken by Craig Strickland, one of my former pastors, “you can’t feel your way into an action, but you can act your way into a feeling”. 
 
I decided to heed the advise in those words and made a list of things I could do to make it look like I gave a flying seaweed about myself and my life.  I got my hair cut and added some highlights, started working out on a regular basis again, started eating better and watching my calorie intake, took advantage of some Labor Day sales and updated my wardrobe, and made a point to think about what I was going to wear each day (makeup, jewelry, dress, shoes, bag).  I decided that just because I feel like nothing matters right now, doesn’t mean I have to act like it.  I feel like I am loosing myself here in Jacksonville so I am just going to act like I am still in Los Angeles.  I am going to wear the right clothes, have the right attitude and keep working towards my goals whether I feel like there is any reason to or not. 
 
I have also come to the realization that I really need a better paying job.  While it is true that I am in one of the better departments with my current employer, I do need to make a jump in the not too distant future which brings up the question do I wait for a decent paying ministry position to open or go back to the entertainment industry or go for both and see which door opens first?  I will most likely do the latter once my class ends in a couple of weeks because like I said, I need some financial stability, a place to call my own and some sort of anchor in my life.  Whether that anchor is a job, a city, a ministry or a man, I am feeling the need to anchor to something besides myself.  Maybe it is the security driven Taurus side rearing its head, but I feel a major push to get some things taken care of financially and get a home base ASAP.  Problem is how does one pick a home base when one hasn’t yet found a place to call home.  Perhaps home will find me.
 
I am just going to have to trust that whatever door opens is the door I am supposed to walk through.  I am going to have to trust that there is a plan at work and that the next steps will make sense.  Trust has come up several times in my Redeemed Esteem class and I feel like God is not only teaching me to trust Him right now, but He is also teaching me to trust myself, my gut, but not necessarily my feelings.  I tend to attract very inappropriate men.  It is probably why I am still singe, well that and all the drinking.  But anywho, I had been keeping a certain male at arms length for a while and no one seemed to understand why.  I guess I should also say that this was not a romantic interest, just a fellow alcoholic on recovery road.  Everyone else sings praises of this person, but I felt something else, then when this man started complaining to me about his marriage and his sex life, I thought hmm, I might be right about him because why else would he be talking to me about a topic that establishes emotional intimacy nevermind the fact that I have never been married or that he is no where near my age.  Then the nail was hit on the hammer.  I will not repeat his words here, but I received total confirmation that he is not trustworthy, definitely not Godly or even trying to be and definitely not someone who should be in any sort of ministry position (which he is L).  I am just glad that I could smell him a mile away and was able to get an early confirmation so that I can keep stiff arming him as long as it takes. 
 
I am also learning to like and love myself.  I can say with all seriousness that this is the first time in my life that I have been able to look in a mirror and like what I see in the reflection.  When God told me that I was in Jacksonville for preparation, I had no idea what He meant, but now that I am going through this class, serving in a ministry and taking part in a women’s leadership group, I feel that the preparation God was referring to was internal.  I feel that this is a time to get the inside right.  To cultivate good habits, good thought processes and a healthy belief in myself and my God.  Those signs you see at the front of roller coaster rides that say “if you have a nervous disposition then don’t ride” Well, that’s me.  I am somehow always freaking out and living in fear of every mistake I make, but I am learning to ride the waves of life, trust my gut, trust my God and more importantly, I am learning how to enjoy the ride as I move towards realizing all of my God-given potential.

What can I say folks, sometimes life hurts.  And my life is hurting bad right now. I think it is safe to say that I left a physical desert where I was in a mental, emotional and spiritual oasis in sunny SoCal, and now find myself surrounded by water in a mental, emotional, and spiritual desert in sunny Florida.

Physically, I am back in a complete standstill.  I threw out my back a few weeks ago and went from being able to do a forward bend with my nose against my knees to having to fight to barely touch my toes!  I thought I was on the mend and went for a short walk a few days ago that reignited all of the pain and so I am back to gentle yoga and absolutely nothing else.  My lower back and right hip are the main culprits with my right hip taking the trophy for intense sharp pain shooting around all the day long.   Emotionally, I might as well be the only person in this town.  Every time I think I have made a new friend they start treating me like an afterthought by routinely making plans with me and then canceling at the last second only to say something like “hey, I’m doing this now so can’t do whatever with you.”  My roommate says she has experienced a lot of that herself.  Who knew small town Jacksonville would have bigger and more blatantly rude flakes than that of Los Angeles.  At least in LA people make up an actual excuse!  Here in Jax people actually tell you what they are going to go do instead of hanging out with you!  So Rude.   And then there’s that job I have.  There’s nothing like working with people that you know hate you.  It gets even more fun when your job doesn’t even begin to fulfill, engage or excite you.  I am one of those people who need to be fully engaged in my activities because if I am not, my mind rolls over to everything in the world that I should not be thinking about and so with the pain, the rude treatment from could be friends and the nothing but time to focus on all the wrong things – folks – I am mentally, emotionally and physically spent.  I have no idea how long I am supposed to be in this town, but let’s just say that unlike LA, I don’t think I’m gonna feel terrible if I suddenly have to move elsewhere.

The only good news is that I have finally sort of picked a church home.  It is a church I just keep going back to because I really dig the pastor.  I am actually going to be spread across two churches this fall – a class at one where I will be taking on a major issue in my life and a life group at the one I am calling home at the moment.  The other good point is my continued involvement at a local Celebrate Recovery where I am getting my ministry feet wet.  I am learning how to lead a group of ladies, learning how to connect to people and learning how to speak in front of others and hopefully slowly gaining a stage presence.  It is this ministry stuff that needs to become more of my life – that is where my passion is, that is where my excitement is, that is where I come alive and activate the best version of myself.

You would think year 3 would sound better wouldn’t you?  I thought about that too and then it hit me – I spent 15 years in rebellion to God in an addiction that I repeatedly chose to stay in.  Yes, I gave God the one thing I didn’t think I could live without, but I’ve only worked off 3 of my 15 years.  Thank you Jesus that You are not that kind of God!  While it is true that I am still an infant when it comes to sobriety, God is not sitting up there with a stick marking off each day waiting for me to equalize the situation before He can bless me, love me or work in my life.  We humans tend to find ourselves thinking that way because it is how we were taught right from wrong.  You intentionally break your little brother’s tricycle so he can’t follow you around, chances are your parents will take away your bike as punishment.  It’s how they teach us to treat others the way we would like to be treated, but it is not how God deals with us, especially when we come to Him and admit what a shattered disaster we have become.  I fully admit that I have absolutely no idea how I am gong to go from where I am right now to the vision of my life that has been laid out by God.  The good news is God does!  My job is to stay close to Him, stay in His word, abide by His word understanding that any parameters are there to protect me and not keep me from having fun, and trust that as I grow in faith, God will open the doors that I so desperately want to open right now.  I guess for me, year 3 is the year of being a grown up, digging in and doing what I don’t want to, being faithful to the positions and places God has put me in until He opens another door.

That door I am so desperate to open is a position under a successful and dynamic ministry where I can learn how to be a leader and grow my abilities for speaking God’s word, teaching God’s word and leading others through discipleship.   Until that happens I am continuing to learn and grow in the ministry I am currently serving in and hoping for a career opportunity in the same realm.

I recently heard a mega gator fan give his CR testimony and in that testimony he shared this line from Tim Tebow’s book: Use the platform you’ve been given for God’s purpose and not your own. That line made me start thinking.  I know what I want out of my potential ministry involvement, but I haven’t asked God what He wants out of it.  I haven’t asked God what He wants out of my life, my work, my writing, my relationships or any platform that He might bestow upon me.  And that’s a question I probably should have asked at the beginning.  I am currently meditating on that question with God.  So far, I feel like He has told me that His purpose and Plan for any platform He gives me is to help change lives by changing habits and to promote true healing by helping people live in true alignment with Christ mentally, emotionally and physically.  I really need to start making this my purpose in all of my dealings whether it is in a CR group, the grocery store or with my less than desired co-workers.  I may not be living the life I wish to yet, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t act as if I already am that person.