Jessica Lynn Lee
  • Home
  • Happenings
  • Spiritual Living
  • 12 Step Living
  • Blog Archives

In Like a Lion, Out Like a Lamb?

2/1/2017

0 Comments

 
They say if March comes in like a lion that it will go out like a lamb.  Is the same true for years?  Let’s just say 2017 roared in and all but brought me to a complete standstill.  For starters I had to say goodbye to the sweetest and fiercest cuddlebug I’ve ever known.  Rosie, the toy stealing Boston, became very ill very quickly and had to be put down given her age.  She needed a very invasive surgery that brought no guarantees so my roommate did the right thing by escorting her to the big park in the sky.  The day she left us I contracted what I am calling a stress response.  I have a neck and back trauma from flying off an overpass about a decade ago.  I believe my stress reactivated this whiplash so to speak and I found myself in constant pulsating sharp pain in the lower back part of my neck on the left side of my body.  I also had limited mobility and I stayed this way for about a week to ten days.  As soon as I was back to normal physically and mentally, my car overheated while I was driving home from seeing a friend.  The red light started flashing and an alarm started going off which I am told was meant to make me pull over, which I did not.  I saw no steam so I figured I would continue driving.  It turns out my radiator was blown and I had to spend a pretty chunk of money on a new one, however, my coolant light was still flashing.  Going on my neighbor and roommates advice I put coolant in with the motor running and found that the small leak I was eventually going to get fixed had turned into a shower under my car.  No Wonder.   I had put about three bottles of coolant in the radiator and people kept asking me if there was a spot under my car and there wasn’t and there never would have been since it only showered coolant while the engine was running. And back to the mechanic I went only to find out that I had two leaks and needed to replace the rest of the components of my coolant system.  My main hope now is that the transmission will last long enough for me to get my debt paid off so I can buy a new car and I know what I want when that time comes… if that time comes, God willing.
 
So as I said in my previous post, my two main resolutions were financial based and fitness based.  Both have been blown out of the water.  I had one credit card paid off and was making head way on the other, but those are both back up at the top of their limits thanks to Christmas and my lovely car.  Then there’s the fact that I have restarted workouts, but am having issues with my upper body.  I am finding it very easy to reactivate my injury and weights are just not in the cards right now.  Though, I am finding it possible to slowly ramp up yoga practice.  So you know there’s some light.
 
This past week I became very angry regarding a co-worker who is now my boss.  I don’t have any hate for this individual and I do wish her the best in life – I just wish her life didn’t have to intersect with mine.  We share an office and she literally goes out of her way every day to remind me that she loves everyone in the office except me.  I have no idea what I did to her but she has been hateful toward me from day one.  This hate drama and the fact that I really need to get out of this job and the fact that I am very unhappy doing this job are starting to take a toll on me.  I just can’t seem to shrug it off and enjoy my day to the best of my ability anymore.  I am beginning to get stuck in an I hate my life mode at work.  It seems that this holding pen I am in just keeps getting smaller.  Every time I think I understand the act of corralling I somehow find myself in a smaller space with even less to breathe.  Being someone who has been touched my cancer and being someone who has stiff armed cancer for going on ten years now, I know that we are not guaranteed tomorrow and that we should each make the most of the time we have on Earth.  And I actually think that it is this “life is too short to not enjoy it” mentality that is getting the best of me right now.  I haven’t been happy in Florida.  I don’t have a community here. My job doesn’t provide what I need on a social, mental, emotional or financial level.  Yes, there are some good things to point out like my living situation, my involvement in Celebrate Recovery and getting to love on Rosie and now Lilly. But, I am at a boiling point. I say all of this to share that this past week in a moment of extreme anger (sitting at my desk and going off on everyone inside my head) my entire upper back and left side of my neck re-clinched and back to pain and immobility I went.  This would be the moment that I realized that my neck and upper back pain and stiffness are in fact a response to stress. 
 
I have shared previously that I am trying to follow the adrenal body type plan in an effort to curb the effect of stress on my mind, body and soul.  It speaks volumes that I can now literally stress myself into immobility and pain.  I have to find a way to deal with the daily stress of life before I literally stop my own heart.  Yes, I am a yogi.  Yes, I know I should know how to calm and center myself.  Yes, I am a Christian and I should have the peace of Jesus.  But I was also an alcoholic for like 16 years so I never really learned how to deal with life, in fact, my way of dealing with life whether good or bad was to drink.  It’s like putting a band-aid on a wound that requires stitches.  Yes, you are covering it up, but it is never going to heal properly.  That’s what my drinking did for me.  Yes, I could get through some really traumatic events like losing my dad and facing my own cancer, but I never learned how to handle life on life’s terms and so while I appear to function appropriately and wisely, I am for all intensive purposes, a raging toddler on the inside.
 
So maybe my new New Year’s Resolution for 2017 should be to learn how to ride the wave of life without letting it steal my inner joy.  Well, you know how it goes… We tell God our plans and He smiles and nods and then He finds a way to tell us His plans… His plans tend to prevail.  I know that much.

In Memory of Rosie, the toy stealing Boston who was as fierce as she was sweet.  Her humans miss her very much.

Picture
0 Comments

Touchdown or Crash-Landing?

7/1/2016

0 Comments

 
Sometimes life takes you way, way, way up in the air and just leaves you there, hanging.  After a while you can’t help but wonder if you are headed for a touchdown or a crash landing. 
 
While my financial situation hasn’t changed, my stress level has skyrocketed.  The company that I have been trying to run from is crumbling before my eyes.  There is good news though!  After feeling uneasy and unsafe for so long I had started to question if my past was causing issues in my present, but it would turn out that my gut, my discernment, my instinct – whatever you want to call it – it was telling me something is off and so are all these people.  I couldn’t understand it.  It was unfounded and I found it crazy that I felt safer in gang-ridden Los Angeles than in Jacksonville, FL, but as I now know those feelings weren’t so unfounded after all.  This is the good news.  It wasn’t me.  It was and is the company and people I call my day home.  While I cannot share any of it here at this time, it does feel good to know that I can and should trust my instincts. 
 
I have been questioning many of my past decisions that were made based on my gut instinct and while they look like they might have been wrong – current happenings say otherwise. Following your gut instinct can lead you into a deep valley, but that doesn’t mean you were lead astray.   In my case, I know that the valley I am in is a back-to-the-basics, re-grounding and re-focusing list of lessons that will make all the difference when the gate opens to the pasture in my future.
 
One of those lessons is the simple truth that I can ask Jesus for a hug whenever I feel overwhelmed and over stressed.  I learned this one evening while in shavasana after a hearty detox flow.  I saw myself as a little girl in a white dress balled up crying my eyes out.  Jesus came to me and picked me up and I watched myself disappear into His light.  I did catch a glimpse of myself in His arms and I was smiling from ear to ear and happy as a child could be. I then saw present day me get up off the yoga mat and walk into Jesus’ arms disappearing into His light.  While I was watching all of this I felt an overwhelming sense of peace, calm and tranquility.  I was immediately elevated somewhere above my current human status and experienced a calm I had never known before.  I guess what I felt was love and my tear stained face proved it.   And I have felt this same tranquility again and again as I have taken Jesus on His word when He told me at the end of that vision “Don’t forget I AM always here.”  I no longer deal with anxious or unwanted thoughts in bed and I no longer worry about what to do with myself when I am alone.  Some people have alcohol or weed or a host of other things, but I have Jesus and I find Him to be the most effective calming presence with zero negative side effects.
 
I am also finding out what is important to me and what deserves my focus and what does not.  I am sad to say that like many people who grew up like I did – I have quite a fascination with materialistic things and the finer quality things at that. Take it from one who always wants the most expensive of everything… It turns out that I look just as good if not better in what I can easily afford!  I do have to admit that my pride took a hit and I might have had to be forced into one of the stores after exhausting myself in 100-degree heat trying to replace a pair of everyday sandals that broke, but once I was in the store I had a hard time leaving.
 
And then there’s that whole living with intention and learning to make the best of every situation and becoming a living example of what I want to see more of instead of what I want to see less of…. Yes, I do agree… trusting your gut can lead you into a deep valley, but it does not mean you misunderstood or made a mistake.  It does mean that you went where you needed to go to learn what you needed to learn for when you get plucked out of the valley and into the pasture that is your future.  I mean what’s the purpose in getting everything you want if you have no idea what to do with it?  I am now realizing this could have happened to me and it would have been a complete disaster!    Oh and another something – I am finding that when I spend the day in Jesus’ arms – all those personality traits that I have been trying to get rid of somehow disappear and I didn’t do anything but ask Jesus to let me sit in His arms all day long.  They say Jesus is sufficient and after spending the last couple of weeks in His arms I can say with complete certainty that He really is more than enough.
0 Comments

The Corral Effect Part 1

3/1/2016

0 Comments

 
The definition of corral is to gather together and confine.  Synonyms include capture, collect, enclose, lock up and shut in – in other words trap.  This might explain why I feel so trapped these days.  God spoke to me recently and He told me I was being corralled into a very tight space so He can direct me to the right pasture. His words, not mine.  His thought, not mine.  I am a Taurus through and through and trying to corral a Taurus is like trying to corral the most stubborn and aggressive bull on the planet, but I do like that word ‘pasture’. 
 
I feel like I am on a rotating merry go round of phases of corralling.  In Phase 1 I am cocky and fighting back non-stop.  In Phase 2 I realize I am trapped and I start freaking out and trying to find a way to escape.  In Phase 3 I am teary-eyed and weary with a willingness to relent, give-in and give-up.  There is a Phase 4 – the phase in which one has waved their white flag, fully given up and accepted their new reality.  In other words – they have stopped kicking and screaming allowing the Rancher to open the gate to a new and uncharted pasture – a pasture created especially for the individual walking into it.  A pasture that will be well – liked.  Unfortunately, I am stuck rotating relentlessly in and out of phases 1, 2 & 3.
 
I cannot stay where I am, but I don’t necessarily want to leave either.  I need a career and not just a job, but Jacksonville doesn’t exactly offer what I am looking for.  It can, but those positions are not numerous and are usually given to the friend of a friend, which I am not.  It sounds weird, but I like the trees here.  I also really starting to appreciate the church I attend and I really love my involvement in CR, the close proximity to the beach and the weather!  What I really like is that I feel like I can be used here, that I can have a voice here.  I didn’t feel this way in Los Angeles.  I couldn’t relate to many of the actors and entertainers I encountered there.  I can relate to people here and I think the feeling that I can be used combined with all the other things I like about Jax is what is making me want to stay. 
 
The thing is I don’t have anyone to rely on – it is just me versus the world and if I don’t make some sort of move soon – the world is going to win.  It is only a matter of time before something gives and I am ruined.  This is why I keep rotating through phases 1, 2 & 3 of corralling.  There is a large part of me that wants to stay in Jacksonville, but when I look at the larger picture financially along with the type of jobs available in Jacksonville – I feel that I am most likely facing another move.  On the one hand, I know that wherever God leads, it will be good, but on the other hand, I want to take control and stay.  I feel as though I need to choose between where I want to live and having the job I want.  I am just conflicted.  In the past when God wanted to move me, He made it abundantly clear and I was ready for it.  This time I am not ready, not very willing and not very clear.  It is more of a general knowledge that if I want a job like A, B or C – I will most likely have to move somewhere else to get it.  As I said earlier, Jacksonville has these jobs, but they are rare and given to friends, not strangers.  Of course, something could give and also force me to give up and just get another job – a much better paying one, but still another j-o-b and stay in Jacksonville.
 
The number one thing I need to do right now is stay open to what God wants to do and trust that He will direct my path just like He directed me away from the Kansas City opportunity.  I need to stop fearing that I am going to make the wrong decision and start trusting that if I do consider a misstep, that God will course correct like He always does.  I seriously want to get a tattoo that reads “Stay Gypsy”  “Stay in His Wind” on my forearm so I can read it all day every day.  I need these phrases written everywhere to remind myself to stay connected to His Wind and not necessarily this world.  And like they say – if you are trying to hold on to something, you probably need to let it go.
 
And of course the one giant elephant in this conversation that has not been broached is the fact that when one is being corralled, one is most certainly going to be doing the exact opposite of what one wants to do – otherwise it wouldn’t be called corralling.  Do you think the sheep want to go into the pen?  No, they don’t.  They want to stay out in the field even though there is no grass left for them to eat and they run everywhere except where the Rancher is trying to get them “Bahhhhing” all the way until they finally collapse from exhaustion and go in their pen only to find that the Rancher was corralling them so he could get them into a new pasture full of lush green grass and rolling hills for their delight.  The key for the sheep is yielding to and trusting their rancher and it is the same for you and me.  There is a reason Jesus is referred to as the Great Shepherd and it has nothing to do with the literal act of herding sheep.
“Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith.”  - Margaret Shepard
0 Comments

    Categories

    All
    12 Steps
    2013
    2014
    2015
    2016
    2017
    2018
    2nd Peter 2:9
    Absurd Plan
    Abuse
    Acceptance
    Accomplishments
    Addiction
    Addiction Neurology
    Adoption
    Adrenal Body Type
    Adulting
    Adventure
    Agnostic
    Alcohol
    Alcoholics
    Alcoholics Anonymous
    Alcoholism
    Alice In Wonderland
    All Lives Matter
    Aloneness
    Alternate Nostril Breathing
    Alton Sterling
    American Justice
    Anais Nin
    Angels
    Anger Management
    Anorexia
    Answer
    Answered Prayers
    Anxiety
    Appreciation
    ARC Churches
    Assumptions
    Attention
    Attitude
    Auld Lang Syne
    Beach
    Being Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable
    Belonging
    Bethel Music
    Betrayal
    Bible
    Big Book
    Biopsy
    Black Lives Matter
    Blessing
    Blessings
    Blessings In Disguise
    Bliss
    Blossom
    Brian Houston
    Bucket List
    Budget
    Bullies
    Burning Season
    Calm My Anxious Heart
    Cancer
    Career
    Car Problems
    Celebrate Recovery
    Celebration
    Celebration Church
    Change
    Character Defects
    Charles Kinsey
    Chevy Impala
    Choices
    Christianity
    Christmas
    Church
    Circumstances
    Clarity
    Cling
    Closure
    Clutter
    Coincidences
    Collierville
    Comfort Zone
    Commandments
    Commands
    Common Sense Gun Laws
    Community
    Compassion
    Complaining
    Condem
    Condemnation
    Confirmation
    Confusion
    Connect
    Consequences
    Contentment
    Control
    Coolant System
    Coping Mechanisms
    Corral
    Counting Blessings
    Courage
    Craig Strickland
    Crash
    Craving
    Creative
    Creative Energy
    Creativity
    Creator
    Crossroads
    Cultivation
    Cutting
    Dad
    Daniel Kevin Harris
    Daydreams
    Dead Ends
    Debt
    Decision Paralysis
    Decisions
    Defiant
    Demean
    Depression
    Derams
    Desert
    Desire
    Desire To Escape
    Destiny
    Diabetes
    Diabetic
    Direction
    Disappointment
    Discomfort
    Dissatisfaction
    Distraction
    Doubt
    Doubting Thomas
    Dreams
    Easter
    Eating Disorders
    Empowerment
    Entertainment
    Entreprenuer
    Erwin McManus
    Exodus 14:21
    Expectations
    Extraordinary Life
    Faith
    Father
    Fatigue
    Favor
    Fear
    Fears
    Finances
    Financial Crisis
    Financial Pressure
    Financial Stress
    Fitness
    Florida
    Flu
    Focus
    Follow Me
    Friend
    Friends
    Fruit Of The Spirit
    Generosity
    Germantown
    Getting Over Fears
    Giants
    Gifts
    Goals
    God
    God Shot
    God's Will
    Golden Rule
    Good Friday
    Grace
    Gratitude
    Great Shepherd
    Growth
    Gut
    Gypsy
    Hank Fortner
    Happiness
    Happy
    Happy Heart
    Happy Hours
    Happy Life
    Happy Mind
    Happy New Year
    Happy Thanksgiving
    Healing
    Health
    Healthy
    Heartbroken
    Heaven
    Higher Power
    Hiking
    Hillsong
    Holidays
    Holy Spirit
    Hope
    Human Journey
    Identity
    Impact
    In Between A Rock And A Hard Place
    Indecision
    Indentity
    Indignant
    Inner Joy
    Inner Transformation
    Instinct
    Insult
    Intention
    Intuition
    Jacksonville
    Jesus
    Jesus' Arms
    Job Hunting
    Joby Martin
    Joel 2:25
    Joel Osteen
    Joe Smith
    Joseph Campbell
    Josh Turner
    Journey
    Joy
    Joyce Meyers
    Joy Killers
    Jumping To Conclusions
    Kim McManus
    Kindness
    King Of My Heart
    King Of The Jews
    Knoweledge
    Labor Day
    Law Enforcement
    Leadership
    Leap Of Faith
    Letting Go
    Lies
    Life
    Life Balance
    Life Lessons
    Life Navigation
    Life On Life's Terms
    Life Or Debt
    Life Purpose
    Life Script
    Linda Dillow
    Live Love Lead
    Live Show Production
    Longing
    Lonliness
    Loose Ends
    Los Angeles
    Love
    Lower Vibrations
    Making The Best Of Things
    Making The Old New Again
    Malibu
    Margaret Shepard
    Math
    Meaning
    Meditation
    Melanoma
    Memphis
    Mercy
    Messages
    Metamorphosis
    Midnight Moments
    Ministry
    Ministry Leadership
    Miracles
    Mirage
    Mistakes
    Mitzvah
    Mockery
    Mosaic
    Moving
    Music
    Nashville
    New Job
    New Year
    New Year Resolutions
    Nomad
    Nudges
    Opportunity
    Option Overload
    Outbursts
    Pain
    Parable
    Passion
    Pasture
    Path
    Patricia Newton
    Paul
    Peace
    Perception
    Perseverance
    Perspective
    Philando Castile
    Phillipians
    Phillipians 4:11-13
    Plane
    Planning
    Plot
    Plot Twist
    Police
    Police Departments
    Policing
    Power
    Praise
    Prayer
    Preparation
    Pressure
    Production
    Promises
    Prompting
    Propellers
    Propel Women
    Prosperity
    Protection
    Public Speaking
    Purpose
    Redeemed Esteem
    Red Sea
    Regrets
    Relationships
    Reliance
    Repairs
    Reroute
    Resolution
    Resolutions
    Resurrection
    Retail Life
    Returning Home
    Rewards
    Ridicule
    RiverTown
    Road
    Robert Frost
    Role Model
    Romantic Comedy
    Rookie
    Russ Austin
    Saint
    Satisfaction
    Satisfied Life
    Savior
    Scripture
    Seasons
    Seasons In Life
    Self Belief
    Self Doubt
    Self Harm
    Self-harm
    Self Respect
    Self Sabotage
    Self-sabotage
    Self Talk
    Self-torture
    Self Worth
    Serenity
    Seth MacFarlane
    Shavasana
    Sheep
    Shepherd
    Shift In Perspective
    Sin
    Sinner
    Sober
    Sober Birthday
    Sober Life
    Sobriety
    Social Anxiety
    Soul
    Soul Journey
    Soul Transformation
    Southpoint Community Church
    So Will I
    Spiritual Healing
    Step 4
    Step 5
    Steve Jobs
    Steve Maraboli
    Stress
    Stress Response
    Stubborn
    Stuck
    Success
    Suffering
    Sugar
    Suicidal Dreams
    Suicidal Thoughts
    Suicide
    Surrender
    Sustainer
    Taurus
    Tebow
    Temper
    Tennessee
    Testimony
    Thanksgiving
    Thought Life
    Timid
    Timing
    Tim Tebow
    Tithing
    Trail Life
    Tranquility
    Transformation
    Trekking
    Trust
    Truth
    Twist Of Fate
    Unemployment
    Unwanted Feelings
    Unwanted Thoughts
    Upheaval
    Value
    Vegan
    Vegetarian
    Veteran
    Victory
    Victory In Defeat
    Victory While Suffering
    Visions
    Voices
    Voices In The Garden
    Waterfall
    Waves
    Waves Of Life
    Weed
    What If
    Willlingness
    Winds Of Change
    Wisdom
    Wonderlust
    Word
    World Adoption Day
    Worship
    Worth
    Wreck
    Writer
    Wrong Turn
    Xanax
    Yeshua
    Yield
    Yoga
    Zachary Levi
    Zeal

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly
  • Home
  • Happenings
  • Spiritual Living
  • 12 Step Living
  • Blog Archives