As I sit here staring out the window on a warm and dreary day in Northeast Florida, listening to the sound of rain falling onto the trees and grass, I really can’t believe it’s almost December!  Time sure does fly whether you’re having fun or not.  Seriously.

While my time in Jacksonville hasn’t been the most exciting of times, it sure has been a necessary time of personal healing.  When I came here, I was confused about everything and that confusion spilled over into my confidence both personally and professionally.  It is really amazing when you can look back and see God’s hand leading you through the past year and I can definitely see Him in mine.
 
I had an opportunity to get on with the major media player in town, but due to my mental and emotional state it would have been a disaster and I can see God’s hand in leading me away from that job in a miscommunication of interview times.  Even though the job I did land barely allows me to make ends meet, I have yet again enjoyed favor in the company and have been able to chart my own course in hours, lunches, time off and the lateral move into a better fitting department.  Looking back, I can say that I needed a lower key job while I was going through a time of personal healing so that I could make my way back to the confident, intelligent, go-getter that I am. 
 
So much has happened on the spiritual side that I don’t even know where to begin.  God has been speaking into my heart through some of the pastors here in town as well as my home tribe in LA.  Don’t you love it when the devil comes at you with brute force and God leads you to a church service where the pastor affirms your stance, gives you confidence and breathes new life into you?  That happened to me this past year.  I had a Stephen Minister who is part of a local Celebrate Recovery call me stupid for surrendering a certain area of my life to Jesus and actually abiding by His word in this area.  He did more than just call me stupid, he was actually trying to coerce me to see things his way so he would have an open door, which I shut and dead bolted immediately.  To say this caught me off guard is an understatement.  At the time I was going through Redeemed Esteem at Celebration Church, which is a book and corresponding program for those who have past abuse in their lives. I was already in extreme emotional upheaval due to the class, but the devil likes to strike when he thinks we are weak.  The trick is – if we are surrendered to Christ and actively putting Him first in our lives – we’re actually stronger than ever regardless of what we might look like to others.  I let this man steal my joy for about a month.  I had an opportunity to lead big group one night and I couldn’t do it because he was there.  I hadn’t fully digested what had happened, how it affected me, why it affected me that way and fully given it to God so I just wasn’t ready.  While I do disagree with the fact that he is a Stephen Minister – limited Stephen Minister I should say – I can be in the same room with him now and I pray for his spiritual maturity because he needs it.  I kind of drifted, what I meant to say is that the very next day – I went to hear Russ Austin over at Southpoint Community Church and he spoke an entire sermon on the issue with which I had just been challenged.  My friend looked at me and said, “ That was for you!”   
 
The last minute, last seat in the Redeemed Esteem class at Celebration was also intended for me.  It might even be one of the main reasons I came to Jacksonville.  A lot of healing took place in that class.  Strongholds that I have had for years vanished in that class.  I have shared previously that I have never been able to see myself correctly in that I tend to see someone much heavier in the mirror.  I literally freaked out one day because my wrist looked so small.  Truth is I think I was seeing as it really is for the first time that day.  I like what I see when I look in the mirror these days too.  I have a new confidence that I didn’t have before participating in that class and I am grateful for it.  I told the leader / author, Patricia Newton, that I am interested in facilitator training so that might be something  on the horizon in the new year as she is working to get the corresponding study guide published and on the market.  The book is available online and in select stores for those interested.
 
I have also been challenged to start tithing.  I have to admit that I have never been a tither.  Namely because I tend to be on the poor end of the prosperity spectrum, but in a recent sermon by a guest pastor at Celebration I felt God hit me over the head.  I knew it was my time.  I know that when you put God first, God blesses that area of your life and the one area I have yet to give Him is my finances, which by the way, are at a level of devastation that I didn’t even experience in LA!  And so I tithed for the first time a week ago.  It hurt.  I cried.  I’m a gluten-free, diabetic who needs to eat.  I have a car that is literally on its last leg.  I have too much debt to mention.  My identity was stolen earlier this year creating more debt that I am fighting.  My job is not sufficient, but I knew that when I took it – it was suppose to be a get my wits back and move on sort of position.  I didn’t think I’d be there this long and so with all of this going on – I have started tithing!  I mean with all of that facing me it seems like a no-brainer – I need to put God first in my finances and I am doing just that despite the fact that I have no idea how I am going to make it through each month.  From now on I do the following with each check I receive: pay God, pay myself,  and manage the rest. Period. End Point. Ditto.
 
Celebrate Recovery has been another major healing factor in my life and I also believe this to be one of the reasons I came to Jacksonville.  I was just too busy in LA to get involved in CR, but once I moved to Jacksonville, I had all the time in the world.  Celebrate Recovery has been the other major component in helping me get my groove back so to speak.  After attending the same CR for a while, I was able to move onto the leadership team and start being the women’s small group facilitator.  I also help out in big group on occasion and was able to give a mini-mony at this CR’s Anniversary party.  After giving my mini-mony, I was approached by a couple other CR’s in town to give my full testimony at their meetings.  A few months later I received a surprise email asking me to give my testimony at the Mandarin area meeting and I said yes even though I hadn’t bothered to flesh out a 20 minute testimony and would only have a few days to get it written in order to submit it for review.  I am so glad I said yes!  I was able to flesh out a close to 20 minute testimony and really enjoyed being able to share my story of transformation with others.  That first night is special to me and the crew over at Mandarin UMC were so welcoming.  An interesting thing happened that night that I want to share:  During the pre-service prayer, where leaders pray for the band, host and speaker, I felt the room grow warm to the point we were all flush.  A wave of calm swept over me that was so powerful that I had to ask the angels present to take a few steps back because I felt like I had swallowed a chill pill or muscle relaxant and needed this calming energy to fade just a little bit or my testimony would be rather interesting!  The amazing thing is that the energy dissipated just enough for me to be fully there, but also be fully calmed.  My nerves left and did not return.  I was fully comfortable up in front of everyone and was able to maintain a good speaking flow and a lot of eye contact with the audience.  It truly is amazing when the angels come close!  Another cool thing about that night is that there were about ten female newcomers all my age in the audience.  I, of course, did not know until afterwards when the group walked over to CR 101 and I over heard  them saying they were all first timers.  God is so Good.  I truly hope that my story of transformation helped them to open up to the transforming love of Jesus Christ and to keep coming back to CR of course!  I am also excited to do it all again over at the Chets Creek CR in the new year because if there is one thing I love talking about – it is Jesus and what all He continues to do for me.
 
Hillsong came to Jacksonville for their Hillsong NIghts tour and it was incredible.  I tried to explain to my friend that the energy of that night is what it is like to go to Mosaic every Sunday.  She couldn’t quite believe me, but its true.  I miss the energy of Mosaic and it was nice to have that energy back at Hillsong Nights.  The next day I went to Celebration to hear Brian Houston speak on what would become a talk for the dreamers of the world.  At the end, my friend, yet again, turned to me and said, “That was for you!”.  Little did she know that during that sermon God breathed a new project into my life.  
 
I have only been in Jacksonville a year, but a lot has happened.  God definitely had a reason for ripping me out of Los Angeles and bringing me to a moment of stillness so that He could take me up a level so to speak.  I am hoping to refresh my website over the month of December revealing a new look and vibe for the January 1st 2016 post.  I am also going to be expanding into the vlog/video world in the new year.  This is the project that God breathed into me over Hillsong weekend.  I have finished the brainstorming phase and am moving into the content creation phase which will be followed by deciding on a home for the content and of course, production.  I do not yet have a launch date as I don’t yet know if this content will be on my site, on YouTube or somewhere else so stay tuned as info becomes available.  Lastly, God has laid it on my heart to work on a memoir in the same vein of my CR testimony only on a much larger scale.  I probably won’t start on that until the video content is off the ground, but you never know because God’s time table and our time tables are not always the same. 
 
I guess it is sufficient to say that I am grateful for 2015 and excited to see where God takes me in 2016.  My motto is always Stay Gypsy… Stay in His Wind.
 
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all of You!
 
P.S. my friend Ruth is currently trying to fund a well through Generostiy.
Her project page is give.generosity.org/ruthwarner
Feel free to read up on all the amazing work of Generosity Water, donate to my friend’s Well, spread the word, buy some goods or start your own Well Project!  If you’re not the charity type, 2016 is a great time to start on a new path.

 November, the month of Giving Thanks, Creating Families and most importantly the month of Jessica getting her groove back!

 
In case you are not aware – World Adoption Day is November 9th.  Hank Fortner, one of my Mosaic pastors started Adopttogether.org, a non-profit focused on helping beat the number one barrier to families looking to adopt – MONEY.  There are a lot of families out there that want to adopt, but simply don’t have $10K, $20K, $30K or even $40K sitting around to make the adoption happen.  This is where Adopttogether.org comes in and helps secure funding for families wanting to adopt through crowdfunding.  World Adoption Day is a day of celebration for both parents and kids who won big when adoption changed their lives.  World Adoption Day is also a day of awareness for adoption so please join us on Monday November 9th by posting a selfie with a smiley on your hand to spread awareness or to celebrate your own adoption story or that of a friend.
 
Halloween marks a year since I left Los Angeles and Thanksgiving marks a year since I have seen my mother and brother.  I am excited to be able to spend Thanksgiving weekend with them at the beach this year! We will be catching up while we enjoy the views from our beach-front balcony on Florida’s gulf coast.  I am very happy for this opportunity as I want very badly to be able to spend more time with them as well as a host of other people, but my finances are just in the way at the moment. 
 
As I have mentioned previously, I now feel that I came to a much-needed standstill here in Jacksonville.  It appears that I needed to slow down and take some time to heal internally, which is what has happened.  From Celebrate Recovery to Redeemed Esteem to many other confirmations God has laid in my lap over this past year – it appears I just needed a lot of internal healing and I now feel that I am beginning to come back to life.  My focus is returning, my productivity is returning and my overall energy is returning.  One could argue that I am beginning to dream again!
 
I would also like to note that this might have something to do with a recent change in my morning prayer! In addition to praying the lyrics of Hillsong’s “I Surrender”, I have started asking God to help me release my potential each and every day to the point that when I reach the end of this life, that I would not have an ounce of my God-given potential left.  It’s a bold prayer that I am not only praying for myself, but also for my mother and brother who are also dreamers with dreams in their hearts.  For it has come to my attention that one of my biggest problems is my inability to release my potential. In other words, my inability to take the God-given dreams in my heart, put them on paper and then transform them into reality.  I have the paper part down; it’s the whole transforming dreams into reality that seems to have had me stuck for far too long.  And it looks like this new prayer might be working!
 
To kick off November, I will be sharing my first full testimony at the Mandarin area CR on the 6th and am very excited for this opportunity.  I didn’t have a 20 minute testimony written upon the invitation, but I recalled a piece of advice I read from Seth MacFarlane that echoes countless other successful people both in entertainment and in ministry – that thought is this – when opportunity knocks, don’t hesitate, just say yes and figure out the how later! 
 
I am also moving forward with a new project that God placed on my heart during Hillsong weekend here in Jax.  I am calling it Hillsong weekend because I went to Hillsong Nights on Saturday and went and heard global founder, Brian Houston speak at Celebration on Sunday morning.  He spoke on dreams and dreamers and God breathed a new project into my soul that very day.  I have been reluctant to start work on it because as with anything God gives you – it is bigger than I am and I don’t feel I can do it all alone, but I am not meant to – I am meant to create it piece by piece with my Creator.  It’s not supposed to be my thing, it’s supposed to be Our thing!  I have the outline for the steps that need to be taken and am working on step one for the remainder of this year.  I am really excited and really terrified, but I think all creators feel this way when embarking on a new project so I guess I am in good company.
 
I am also ready to get back in gear career-wise.  I know I cannot stay at my current employer as the money nor the interest is there so I am back on the hunt for a good opportunity, but this time around I have a confidence in myself, my passion and my abilities that I did not have previously.  It definitely changes the opportunities I look at and how I approach them and with any luck I will be in a new and better situation soon!  With any luck I will begin to see a little of that restoration from Joel 2:25, the life verse God has given me which reads “… He will restore all the years the locusts ate away…” which I am taking to mean that God plans on restoring all of the things I missed out on while I was caught up in my addiction, depression and self-torture and I for one, can’t wait to see what He is going to do! Er’ I can’t wait to see what We’re going to do!
 
I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and don’t forget to reach out to any singles, widows or flat broke folks that might be spending the holiday alone unless you invite them to spend it with you!

I recently had the opportunity to share a bare bones version of my testimony at a local Celebrate Recovery anniversary party.  I didn’t realize how much of a story I actually had until I tried putting my story on paper.  I spent the following week trying to cut it down to the time frame I had been given and it was tough because everything I’ve ever been through seemed pertinent.  Anywho, since August brings my 3rd Sober Birthday I thought I would share my bare bones testimony with all of you:

 

Hi!  My name is Jessica and I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who struggles with alcohol, anxiety, and self-worth. 

When I write I like to have angle to work with and my angle for this testimony came from a song called Broken Vessels:  “Oh I can see you now, Oh I can see the love in your eyes, Laying yourself down, Raising up the Broken to Life.”   Because this is exactly what Jesus is doing for me!

You see I have been switching back and forth between two very different lives since I was nine years old.  I grew up in church.  I had a good family.  I lived in a nice house in a nice part of town.  I sang in the choir, I taught Sunday School, I went on mission trips, I led bible studies and I helped make the first Passion Conference happen.  I did a lot in a few short and widely separated years of sobriety. 

However, the majority of my life went more like a nightmare. I grew up with extreme social anxiety and had a hard time connecting to anyone. BUT, I quickly found that I could do anything and be anyone as long as I had alcohol in my system.  My first drink was at nine years old. Nothing special, just a stolen beer shared between two best friends. It would be years later before I would have another alcoholic drink.  I was 16 and made a new friend who introduced me to wine coolers. High school quickly became a blur as I routinely opted for spiked coffee in the morning, spiked soda at lunch and whatever I could get my hands on after school.  I had a horrible relationship with my parents.  I cursed them out daily and was out all hours of the night. My parents had no idea what to do with me.  It was normal for me to drink until I blacked out and I did so every night of every weekend. My social anxiety made me dependent on alcohol, which brought a lot of depression so I was also a cutter for most of my teenage years.  I hated myself, I hated my life and I only felt free when I was in the oblivion alcohol brought me.  

As I mentioned earlier, I had bouts of sobriety that were broken by that lie alcoholics like to tell themselves.  “I can control it this time.  I just need a little release.  Everybody else gets to let loose. One drink won’t kill me.”  And down the rabbit hole I went faster than the previous time.  Only now I was working and supporting myself.  I was in Human Resources of all careers and I had found a new best friend in wine.  Most of the time I was sober during the day, but I started drinking the second I was home.  I longed for the weekends so I could go on benders and I got increasingly irritated with my co-workers, family members and friends due to my constant craving for oblivion.  It got to the point that I was consuming multiple bottles of wine a night, often drinking until I vomited or passed out.

I eventually had another stint of sobriety that lasted about two years.  It was all adrenaline and zero anything else and so I fell back into the arms of alcohol and told myself I would change my life once I left Memphis and I did just that – but it was not on my terms.

A few years later, I found myself living in a roach infested rented room in Los Angeles.  By this time I was drinking a large bottle of Vodka a day and popping migraine pills to ease the suffering of my vodka based diet.  I could barely walk to the mailbox because my muscles were so weak, including my heart, which palpitated non-stop. For the first time in my life, alcohol was not working.  I could no longer reach oblivion. I needed something else, something stronger – and considering the state I was in – that something would have killed me.

I was at a very dangerous cross roads when God intervened in my life one last time.  I had been seeking His help with a job.  During a day of prayer and fasting I had a vision that scared the crap out of me.  It turns out that Jesus loves me, but He was ready to let me die if I did not hand over the alcohol once and for all.  I cried out – But it’s my Everything.  Jesus replied, Exactly.  Realizing that I had finally pushed God past His point of no return, I surrendered the one thing I had that made everything else okay and entered into a very reluctant sober state.  I entered the rooms of AA in Los Angeles and I found a new home.  After about 6 months of screaming into pillows and being afraid to even try going to the grocery store - something just changed.  I started feeling more comfortable.  Los Angeles taught me a lot.  The Recovery out there is top notch and I needed to hear every word that was spoken. My favorite being “you’ve been upside down for so long that you have no idea what right side up feels like.  Of course you feel upside down right now – it’s because You’ve finally turned right side up.  Give it a minute.”  And he was right!   I also learned to like myself in Hollywood of all places.  I made friends that liked me for who I am.  My LA tribe helped me realize that I am funny, pretty, sweet, fun to be around and deserving of the best in life.  After I got called to leave LA and found myself in Jacksonville, FL – I felt God nudge me to attend Celebrate Recovery instead of AA.  I did not understand this at all. AA had saved my life.  I live and breathe the AA logic in my soul.  It keeps me from doing stupid things.  But, I decided to follow God’s prompting and visited CR and I absolutely hated it. I felt so weird.  I was a newbie all over again, but my AA logic quickly spit out the “Shut up and Show Up for 90 days” and so I did. 

The first CR I went to, wasn’t my cup of tea so I sought a different one and met a super sweet woman and so I came back and I kept coming back here at the Beaches CR every Friday night.  I have found that Celebrate Recovery offers me an atmosphere of love and acceptance where I can work on the root issues that cause my insane desire for escape. Thanks to CR I am staying sober while learning how to ground myself in God’s truth.  I am learning to see myself the way God see’s me. I am learning how to serve, I am learning how to lead and I am learning how to deal with those unwanted emotions that usually make me bolt in every direction except the right one.  I can say that after working the steps, I mean really, honestly working the steps, I no longer feel the need for alcohol.  Sometimes I may want it, sometimes I may think about one drink, but I immediately tell myself that it cannot happen.  I know where that one drink leads.  For me it leads to my death.  It really is that simple. 

There is no going back, there is only pressing forward to the life that Jesus is calling me to lead and excitement about where He is taking me.  He has given me a new vision for my life, which is the old vision I started out with years ago before alcohol took over my life.  The good news is that the last 15 years have not phased God one bit.  His plans for me have not changed.  He still sees me as the same person I was before all of this mess started.  This past year He gave me a verse that has been spoken in this room by others – Joel 2:25 - …He will restore the years the locusts ate away… – thanks to AA and Celebrate Recovery I get to live a life of freedom today and I get to be excited about the restoration of all the things the locusts ate away in my life while I was deep in my addiction, my depression and my self-torture. 

AA Saved My Life. Celebrate Recovery is teaching me how to live and accept the new life that has been freely given.  If you’re new – keep coming back!  Keep doing the next right thing!  Get a sponsor, get an accountability partner and Work the steps!  Make yourself available to others! Surround yourself with the right people – people who have what you want, people that are grounded in God’s truth!  Lean into Jesus and you too can sing that song with gratitude knowing that you are one of the broken God has raised to a new and awesome life.   Thanks for letting me share.

 
And I really am excited for all that is to come!  The vision God has given me seems so unattainable and so unreachable, but that’s also the fun part – I cannot remember who said this – Louie, Erwin, Russ or maybe they’ve all said it at one time or another – God never gives you something you can do without Him – I just have to be willing and God will take my willingness and make something awesome out of it.  Like this blog, for instance, the readership has slowly been rising since the day I started it and I will keep writing until the day people stop reading it.

I am also working on some full-length (main speaker) versions of my testimony as I might soon have the opportunity to share with some other nearby Celebrate Recovery groups.  Not to mention that I am delving into the Advanced Leadership training materials as I continue to develop my ministry leadership skills. 

Looking back, I believe God had to take me out of LA so I could slow down and figure out where my life was going.  My LA life was very hectic and due to the location of my work it made it very hard for me to be involved in after work activities.  I MISS LA A LOT, but it is clear God brought me to Jacksonville so I could slow down long enough to truly change direction. 

August 26th, I will be celebrating 3 whole years of sobriety:  Three whole years of a different way of living; Three whole years of a better way of living; Three whole years of feeling my feelings; Three whole years of facing my fears; Three whole years of being the real Jessica.  Three whole years of being someone I am proud of, someone my family is proud of and someone I know Jesus is proud of.  Three whole years of better decisions, better relationships and better impact on those around me.  Whoever said Sobriety is boring, uneventful and unattractive - doesn’t know Sobriety.