Greetings from the Mid-South!

As I write this post, I am reminded of a Propel Women study I took part in at a previous church.  I believe the topic was time or timing or how to manage your time wisely… well, it was something along those lines.  The main thought I remember centered on the fact that you can have it all, just not all at the same time!  The conversation continued along the lines of seasons in life correlating to the accomplishments in one’s life.  Many people want to accomplish so many things like parenthood, career, service works, entrepreneurial endeavors, creative projects, ministry involvement and personal bucket list items.  The truth is that we can accomplish everything our hearts desire, however, the likelihood of accomplishing all of it at the same time is very slim.  For one thing, our lives would be an absolute mess, as would any of our relationships and friendships. We are not meant to do everything at the same time... But we are each meant to accomplish many great things.
 
I don’t know what it is about Memphis, but whenever I find myself here I find a current of creative energy.  I have only been here a couple of months and I already have several creative projects percolating.  I also have this sense of urgency to get things going, to start creating, to make something happen before it is too late; however, when I consult my God about my plans – He pulls back the reigns as if to say ‘slow up woman… It’s not time for that yet’. 
 
Knowing what season you are in makes all the difference in the world when it comes to being successful.  We all know that timing is everything and so it makes sense that knowing the calling on your life in this particular moment or season will make all the difference in your success right now and your success in any future endeavors.
 
As much as I want to plow ahead with some of the ideas I have percolating, I know that my current season is a time of preparation.  I am noting all that comes to mind for each project, but I am not working on those projects right now. I have no doubt that I will begin work on some of these projects in the new year, but for right now I am in an active preparation mode that includes writing exercises, scripture classes, small group leadership preparation and some research regarding how to move forward with projects that are yet to be named.
 
I feel an amazing momentum in my life even though the reality speaks volumes in the opposite direction… But like Martin Luther King Jr. said, “You don’t have to see the whole staircase, you just have to take the first step” and the rest of the steps will magically appear as you and God walk hand in hand to accomplish great things together.
 
Knowledge is everything.  If you know what your objective is in this moment, this season; then you can navigate your way to the next moment, the next season, the next project, the next accomplishment.
 
Happy Navigating!

This last month has been a whirlwind of emotions.  I went from loving my surroundings and my church to wanting to leave and never look back only to find myself thinking maybe it’s not the end of the world if I stay here a little bit longer.  The bottom line is I have to do something and after glancing at my savings account I think I know what I have to do.  As much as I would love to get back to a bigger city, I need to stop pre-judging every opportunity that comes my way.  I also need to be realistic about my current financial situation and that means accepting an opportunity within my preferred salary range either here in Jacksonville or back in Memphis and sticking with the job for the next few years so I can get my debt paid off, replenish my savings account, buy a new car, buy a new Macbook and buy a new Galaxy. I am literally living on borrowed time with all three of those absolutely necessary items!  I mean I know my phone is old, but I didn’t realize how old until I was until I was taking a picture of a lion at the Catty Shack Ranch.  Everyone was lined up along the fence, zooming in for the perfect shot and I couldn’t believe the captures of the people next to me.  I might as well been standing there shaking a Polaroid.  At least that’s how I felt. 
 
Anywho… Once I allow myself to accept a boring (my perception) new job with a decent salary, I will be able to put the focus back on my writing, my video devotional series and the books I have planned to write! I will also have more energy to devote to the ministry leadership opportunities that are currently sitting in my lap.  I guess what it all comes down to is trust.  I am going to have to give up, give in and trust that God knows exactly what He is doing.  I would like to say that I am in the Hall of Fame when it comes to trusting God.  I have certainly trusted Him with some pretty big items: keeping me cancer free, the move to LA, and the move to Florida.  While I might find it easier to trust Him with the big-ticket items above (items I feel I cannot control) I am realizing that I don’t trust Him when I have or feel that I have partial control.  It’s like if I can touch it then I can screw it up so it must not be in the cards type of thinking.  I have to come to a point where I realize what walking in grace actually means.  I had a conversation with Jesus this afternoon regarding some opportunities – good opportunities – that I totally flaked.  I told Him that I guessed those type of opportunities were long gone considering my inability to accept parachute number 250.  His words to me were this “Did you not think I would know how long it would take you to relinquish your control?  Do you still not realize that you always walk in My grace?” 
 
Perhaps it is time to start trusting God for all the things I secretly want in and for my life.  Not begging for them, not petitioning for them, but just trusting for them to appear when they are supposed to appear.  Perhaps it is time to realize that while there may be a direct route to where we each want to go in life, we seldom ever choose it.  If we did, we’d miss out on so much.  Besides, don’t the best things in life come in unexpected packages?  I think I’ve heard that somewhere.  So maybe, just maybe…when life pushes you into a corner thereby taking away your ability to pick and choose – it’s actually for your own good. 

What Up Folks!  So far 2016 is looking a lot like 2015 only with less sweetness because I gave up extraneous sugar for this 21 day fasting thing.  I surprisingly did not have a hard time without my fix of fro-yo every weekend.  I did, however, find it hard to not buy any sweets at the grocery store, which is why I am glad I kicked the sugar as my way of participating in a fast.  It is easy to break promises I make to myself; it is harder to break promises I make to God.  I can actually recall myself tooling down the frozen isle scoping out some new fro-yo only to remember “oh wait, this is a God promise. CRAP!” and I tooled on along down the isle and out of frozen land.  While I have not officially lost any weight yet, my stomach is flatter and this improvement is all I need to keep extraneous sugar kicked out of my life!
 
On another front, I can say that my excitement for church is coming back!  I have no idea how either.  All I know is that once I finally relented and started going to the church that I felt God was constantly re-routing me to – something changed on the inside.  I have found that I wake up excited on Sunday mornings even though my situation has not changed.  I still go to church alone, sit alone, leave alone and go home to hang out alone, but I have an excitement that I cannot understand, an excitement beyond all understanding if you will.  This is something I have been wrestling with while in Jacksonville.  I have told God that I don’t like not having the excitement I had in LA.  I told Him I want to enjoy my Sundays again, I want that excitement back, I want Sundays to be legendary again.  Somehow the excitement is back and I am very grateful for it.  I guess it lets me know that I can have joy in the middle of what was a situation that brought nothing but disappointment and tears.   That’s definitely something, a God something, a Philippians 4:11-13 something.  I also changed where I sit.  I like to be in the middle of the action so I sit down front now regardless of when I arrive. I used to relent and go up the stairs and found that it interfered with my participation in service.   They have these usher/bouncer dudes all over the place and I just make them find me a seat as close to the front as possible. I mean it is their job so why not let them be of service.
 
I am also trying to dig deeper in my Celebrate Recovery involvement.  While I have been a facilitator/leader for the ladies share group at the beaches, I have only been fulfilling the role in the small group session itself.  This past month I have been digging deeper in that I have been focusing on building better relationships with the women who come to the beaches CR.  Instead of talking to friends at the café afterwards, I am focusing on talking to some of the ladies in the group, trying to get more of a feel for where they are in life, where they are mentally and where they are spiritually.  I want to be an encourager, a cheer leader, an ear, and a guide for these ladies in their own battles and the only way to do this is to spend time with them and so far I am loving what I am learning.
 
I have had that Live Love Lead book by Brian Houston for a while now, but just recently started to read it.  I came home from the grocery store on Saturday and felt a prompting to go to the beach.  Due to the cold weather I hadn’t been in about a month and it was a sweet 67 degrees and already 3pm so I decided to head to the closest beach for some relaxation.  As I was leaving I felt the nudge to pick up Brian’s book so I grabbed it with no intention of actually reading it.  Once I got to the beach I was glad to see some soft sand and nestled in to watch the waves roll in and out.  I find their rhythm hypnotizing and healing.  The waves do something for me that I cannot do for myself and after my recent vacation I found that the sound of the waves can be just as beneficial and so I took out the book and started reading.  I got through the introduction and the first two chapters and feel that God was trying to re-confirm His plans for me, my ministry calling and His promise in the verse He has gave me last year. (Joel 2:25) 
 
Life has just been hard and it is getting harder.  The pressure is on at a level that I have never experienced.  I know I have to make a move, but the move I want to make and the move that is most likely going to be available are not the same.  To make matters worse, I am conflicted about staying in Jacksonville.  In Los Angeles I had everything I wanted, but felt that something was off, that I wasn’t supposed to stay and that prompting turned into busted fire hydrant pressure.  Here in Jacksonville, I have nothing that I want, but feel complete peace and have absolutely no prompting to do anything except focus on the tasks I feel God has given me like this blog, the new video series, a possible memoir and continuing with ministry leadership training.  It is so strange especially since I know that I have to make a career change due to impending financial ruin.  Jacksonville does not seem to offer the career options I am looking for and I feel very conflicted about leaving and more frankly I don’t even know if I can leave at this point.  You could say that just like I relented on the church I felt God leading me attend, I am ready to relent on Jacksonville and so I tell God daily – If you want me here – then plant me.  If not, then move me.  But whatever You do, do it quickly - One thing I am looking forward to is the job hunt being over!  I need to focus on the video series and I cannot do that if I am spending an hour a night job hunting.  That hour should be creating time if not resting and relaxation time.  I can’t keep going on all cylinders all day and all night, especially with a job that drains ones soul like mine does.  To be frank, I need a minute and some fun to boot.
 
Overall, I do have a good start to the new year.  Eating is going better thanks again to the fasting thing at church.  I am delving deeper into ministry leadership, looking for a better paying job, making an effort to venture out more via local Meetup groups and in a few weeks I will be participating in a small group and the women’s ministry stuff for the spring semester at my church.  All of these are in my goals for 2016 and to quote my calendar for the month of February…

 November, the month of Giving Thanks, Creating Families and most importantly the month of Jessica getting her groove back!

 
In case you are not aware – World Adoption Day is November 9th.  Hank Fortner, one of my Mosaic pastors started Adopttogether.org, a non-profit focused on helping beat the number one barrier to families looking to adopt – MONEY.  There are a lot of families out there that want to adopt, but simply don’t have $10K, $20K, $30K or even $40K sitting around to make the adoption happen.  This is where Adopttogether.org comes in and helps secure funding for families wanting to adopt through crowdfunding.  World Adoption Day is a day of celebration for both parents and kids who won big when adoption changed their lives.  World Adoption Day is also a day of awareness for adoption so please join us on Monday November 9th by posting a selfie with a smiley on your hand to spread awareness or to celebrate your own adoption story or that of a friend.
 
Halloween marks a year since I left Los Angeles and Thanksgiving marks a year since I have seen my mother and brother.  I am excited to be able to spend Thanksgiving weekend with them at the beach this year! We will be catching up while we enjoy the views from our beach-front balcony on Florida’s gulf coast.  I am very happy for this opportunity as I want very badly to be able to spend more time with them as well as a host of other people, but my finances are just in the way at the moment. 
 
As I have mentioned previously, I now feel that I came to a much-needed standstill here in Jacksonville.  It appears that I needed to slow down and take some time to heal internally, which is what has happened.  From Celebrate Recovery to Redeemed Esteem to many other confirmations God has laid in my lap over this past year – it appears I just needed a lot of internal healing and I now feel that I am beginning to come back to life.  My focus is returning, my productivity is returning and my overall energy is returning.  One could argue that I am beginning to dream again!
 
I would also like to note that this might have something to do with a recent change in my morning prayer! In addition to praying the lyrics of Hillsong’s “I Surrender”, I have started asking God to help me release my potential each and every day to the point that when I reach the end of this life, that I would not have an ounce of my God-given potential left.  It’s a bold prayer that I am not only praying for myself, but also for my mother and brother who are also dreamers with dreams in their hearts.  For it has come to my attention that one of my biggest problems is my inability to release my potential. In other words, my inability to take the God-given dreams in my heart, put them on paper and then transform them into reality.  I have the paper part down; it’s the whole transforming dreams into reality that seems to have had me stuck for far too long.  And it looks like this new prayer might be working!
 
To kick off November, I will be sharing my first full testimony at the Mandarin area CR on the 6th and am very excited for this opportunity.  I didn’t have a 20 minute testimony written upon the invitation, but I recalled a piece of advice I read from Seth MacFarlane that echoes countless other successful people both in entertainment and in ministry – that thought is this – when opportunity knocks, don’t hesitate, just say yes and figure out the how later! 
 
I am also moving forward with a new project that God placed on my heart during Hillsong weekend here in Jax.  I am calling it Hillsong weekend because I went to Hillsong Nights on Saturday and went and heard global founder, Brian Houston speak at Celebration on Sunday morning.  He spoke on dreams and dreamers and God breathed a new project into my soul that very day.  I have been reluctant to start work on it because as with anything God gives you – it is bigger than I am and I don’t feel I can do it all alone, but I am not meant to – I am meant to create it piece by piece with my Creator.  It’s not supposed to be my thing, it’s supposed to be Our thing!  I have the outline for the steps that need to be taken and am working on step one for the remainder of this year.  I am really excited and really terrified, but I think all creators feel this way when embarking on a new project so I guess I am in good company.
 
I am also ready to get back in gear career-wise.  I know I cannot stay at my current employer as the money nor the interest is there so I am back on the hunt for a good opportunity, but this time around I have a confidence in myself, my passion and my abilities that I did not have previously.  It definitely changes the opportunities I look at and how I approach them and with any luck I will be in a new and better situation soon!  With any luck I will begin to see a little of that restoration from Joel 2:25, the life verse God has given me which reads “… He will restore all the years the locusts ate away…” which I am taking to mean that God plans on restoring all of the things I missed out on while I was caught up in my addiction, depression and self-torture and I for one, can’t wait to see what He is going to do! Er’ I can’t wait to see what We’re going to do!
 
I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and don’t forget to reach out to any singles, widows or flat broke folks that might be spending the holiday alone unless you invite them to spend it with you!

Over the past month, my life came to a slow crawl.  I was having a harder and harder time getting up in the morning and was having a very hard time staying awake at work.  My workouts became smaller and smaller until they consisted of nothing more than relaxation yoga.  I was beat and I did not know why.  I had no symptoms except for extreme fatigue.  It’s crazy how sickness can creep up on us.  I never once thought something might be wrong.  I just assumed I was depressed, that it was my fault, that I hadn’t been sleeping well or eating well, that I had gained weight and that I am just dealing with unwanted feelings or extreme loneliness.  I just kept reasoning my fatigue away until it stopped me in my tracks.  I spent three days in bed and on the third day it dawned on me that something must be wrong and so I went to an urgent care facility and found that I had a bacterial infection.  Had I not gone to the doctor, I would have only gotten worse no matter how much I rested. 

During this time of barely living, my rear view mirror hopped off my windshield again.  I knew I needed to do something about it, but it was kind of nice just driving down the road, only concerned with what was ahead and not worrying about the guy in the truck behind me.  My attention was on the road in front of me and I was driving peacefully.  It occurred to me that this is how we are supposed to drive our lives, but many of us drive constantly looking in the rear view mirror.  We’re in front of it, we’ve moved around it, we’ve driven past it, but it still holds our attention. 

 While driving without my rear view mirror one sunny afternoon, it dawned on me that Jesus never meant for us to be concerned with what’s in our rear view mirror.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying we are not supposed to deal with what’s in our past.  What I am saying is that God never meant for us to obsess on it, contemplate it and bring it into our present over and over again.  I say this because if you look at how Jesus dealt with people in the Bible, He was the exact same with every person no matter what had happened to them or what they had done.  His words were same every time.  He simply said “Follow Me”.  It is a small sentence with life changing implications.  When He said “Follow Me” He was saying listen to my words, read my words, make my words and my deeds the center of your life and do as I do, speak as I do, love as I do, strive every day to be more like Me.  Follow Me.

 Jesus never condemned anyone no matter who they were or what they had become.  He simply said Follow Me.  Make Me your role model.  Jesus never mentioned anyone’s past, instead He called everyone forward.  I heard a sermon not too long ago where the pastor on stage, said that the devil calls you to your past so he can condemn you in your defeat, but the spirit of Christ always calls you forward to a better you and a better life.  Christ might make you aware of something He doesn’t want you doing because He wants better for you, but He never condemns.  The devil condemns us, fellow humans condemn us, but God never condemns any of us because He always sees what we can become if we Follow Him.

 The funny thing is most of us walk around condemning ourselves over and over and over again for things that don’t even exist in God’s mind.  He let them go a long time ago.  He is only focused on where He is taking us; we are the ones focused on where we have been.  I know that I keep pointing back to a decision I made several years ago where I adamantly refused to move in the direction God wanted me to and to this day I often wonder if that one decision ruined my entire life.  Thoughts like what if that was a once in a lifetime opportunity and now God will only let me wallow in crappy jobs?  What if my husband was in that city and I didn’t get to meet him so now I am going to be alone?  What if that career was going to be a launching pad for me to have a larger ministry and now I am going to die with a burning desire in my heart that was never fulfilled?   The problem with these kind of thoughts is that they totally disregard that the fact that Jesus always calls us forward and that if we follow Him to the best of our ability learning and growing as we walk through life with Him, He always leads us somewhere good.  He is not about condemnation, He is not concerned with our past – He is only concerned with where He is taking us because His plans for us never change.  Whatever He started in us, He will complete – if we follow Him and allow Him to work in and through our lives.  I know I have come full circle and find myself rather exhausted thinking it’s time to call it, that I’ve missed my opportunities, that I can’t possibly attain the vision I keep seeing for my life… But Jesus is looking at me saying “Jessica, I created that vision for you. I know how to get you there.  Just keep following Me.”

I turned 2 on August 26th.  I have officially been clean and sober for two years.  While I still have cravings and yearnings of times gone by, I can most certainly say that I do not have any desire to go back to the life I used to live.  I cannot even imagine being that person again.  When the cravings and yearnings come for that so called simpler time, I am immediately reminded of my inability to control my drinking and who that drinking made me become and the yearnings disappear. 

What seems like an easy answer is often times nothing of the sort.  More often than not, easy answers lead to even more trouble and don’t actually do anything to help one out.  The way I see it, the use of drugs and alcohol is a self-induced mirage.  Dude has a bad day, Dude goes to bar to blow off some steam, Dude forgets about how stressed out he is for a few hours, Dude crashes into bed, Dude wakes up and is stressed beyond belief all over again.  Another example of this self-induced mirage is a woman getting over a heart break by going to the clubs and getting smashed out of her mind and going home with someone she won’t even remember, she forgets everything for a few hours, but come morning she is sneaking out of an apartment and trying to figure out where she is and how to get home and the heartbreak and loneliness return a few minutes later.  Both scenarios are culturally accepted ways to deal with heartbreak and stress; the problem is that neither of them actually solves anything.  They are easy, temporary bandages that take us farther down the rabbit hole.  Only problem is that we don’t recognize our being in the hole until we find ourselves stuck at the bottom. 

We as a society love self-induced mirages.  We are all about distraction instead of answers.  Don’t get me wrong, it is good to take a break from life and get into a good movie or go out and dance the night away. The question at large is the intent behind these and other distraction actions.  Are you desperate for a distraction from feelings and thoughts you don’t want to feel or think or are you just allowing yourself a needed break?  There is a giant difference and unfortunately, you often need a clear heart and a clear mind to tell the difference between the two.

The real answers to our unwanted thoughts and feelings involve facing them head on, sitting with them, getting comfortable with them and learning how to accept them as a part of life.  Once we are no longer afraid of these feelings, their power lessens and we are able to navigate around them in a healthier way.   Many of the greats say that if you feel lonely – you should do something for someone else; if you feel alone – you should become a part of something of significance; if you feel not worthy – you should lift someone else up; if you feel heartbroken – you should find a way to help mend someone else’s heart.  The only distraction God has ordained is our focus on Him, his Goodness and His fierce love for each of us.  For it is by focusing on Him and the giving of ourselves to causes that provoke positive change in our world that we receive healing.  It all starts with a relationship with Jesus and a few good friends who are speaking truth into your life.  If you don’t have either of these, then I suggest starting that relationship and getting involved in a good church or faith-based community.  After this, I encourage finding a few more ways to connect.  If you like hiking – join a hiking group.  If you like painting – go to some painting classes to find others who enjoy your craft.  If you love animals – volunteer for a local shelter or rescue group.  In other words, get a grounding group of people around you, belong to a community and make sure you are involved in something that makes you come alive.  And lastly, when those unwanted thoughts and feelings rear their ugly heads, share them with your grounding group of friends and be willing to let them carry you through when needed.   

Happy Labor Day from a quiet cove in Malibu:

I am a Rom-Com geek if there ever was one.  When I say Rom-Com, I am referring to the film genre of Romantic Comedy.  In fact, if a movie is not a romantic comedy, then I most likely have not seen it.  What can I say? I just love romantic comedies. 

If you are not familiar with this genre, I can enlighten you on the main plot points.  (Note: men can be leads in this genre, but to simplify things I am using the common female lead) We usually meet the lead character in a low point in her life.  She is usually single or in a bad relationship and she is usually battling some sort of career dilemma.  She almost always has some character flaws that need to be tweaked as well.  More often than not, the lead character will go through a small metamorphosis brought about by an external situation, whether it be a new job, a break-up, the marriage of a friend, the death of someone close, etc.  This small change usually brings about a determination to focus on what can be controlled in life, like a career or a long-standing passion that has been ignored.  Once the lead character is on this new journey, we see her begin to change on a deeper level as she struggles to make her dream a reality.  Sometimes the main character struggles so much, that she wants to give up, but she usually preservers thinking that this undertaking is all that she has left in life. 

I pause here because God recently made it very clear to me that this is where I am.  I feel lost.  I do not see anything changing on the career front or the personal front.  And so I have done the one thing I can do, and that is put my writing back on the front burner.  I mean, if God keeps telling me that my job is to write and that He will handle everything else; then I should write, right?

I cannot lie and say it has been all roses because it has been anything other than roses.  I have not been able to open a door much less a window and I cannot give an answer as to why this is the case. I am trying to count my blessings, but I am facing the grim fact that I might be spending a very hot summer in a condo without air conditioning.  I have been tossing around the idea of getting my own place, but after crunching numbers, I have come to realize that I can actually afford to be in the exact neighborhood I want to be in provided that I wait one year and pay off all of my debt.  Insert sad face here. 

I can say that I do have a decent day job with a laid-back company that has the high-class problem of growing by leaps and bounds.  This company also allows for flexibility as long as I am getting my job done and that is a major plus too. I know there are many more pluses in my life, but this whole not being fulfilled at work and wanting my own place and needing to make more friends and not being in a relationship and turning 34 in a couple of weeks and watching my chance to have my own family fade away and missing the family that claim me as their own and wanting a reason to be 2800 miles away other than the fact that I like it better than the South… all of it has really had me beat down this past month.  There were days I did not even get out of bed.  I was just in a deep depression.  Nothing in my life makes sense and on top of that, I have felt that I am in an answerless season.  A season where I just have to trust that everything I am doing right now is going to lead me somewhere good. 

During a recent bawling session, my Creator finally spoke.  His words were few, but they were powerful. My Creator, the ultimate screenwriter,  simply wanted to remind me that I have not arrived at the twist.  No, I am not talking about Chubby Checkers.  I am talking about the twist in plot that comes in every Romantic Comedy on the market.  You see just after loosing hope for the upteenth time and somehow finding a way to continue in some form an existence, the lead character encounters a twist of fate.  This twist of fate usually happens after the lead character has cleaned up some of her character flaws and started chasing whatever dream is in her heart.  This twist of fate can come in the form of a person, an opportunity or both.  The main thing you need to know about this twist of fate, this chance meeting, this divine appointment… is that it changes everything and instantly connects all of the dots. 

God was revealing my place in the movie that is my life.  He was letting me know that once I arrive at the twist, everything will make sense.  And I have to say that judging by my own decisions (the decision to get clean and sober, the decision to come back to God, the decision to make my writing a priority, the decision to be more aware of my attitude and make a moment by moment effort to be a light to those around me) all of these personal transformations point to one thing – the twist is on the horizon.  I know where I am in the script of my own romantic comedy and I have a peace and a joy that I cannot even explain.  Might I dare say, that I am HAPPY.

So the question I leave you with is where are you in your life script?  Wherever you believe you are, please do not forget that while you cannot control everything that happens, you can control the overall theme, tone and message of the script that is your life.