A Changing of the Tides

This last month has been a whirlwind of emotions.  I went from loving my surroundings and my church to wanting to leave and never look back only to find myself thinking maybe it’s not the end of the world if I stay here a little bit longer.  The bottom line is I have to do something and after glancing at my savings account I think I know what I have to do.  As much as I would love to get back to a bigger city, I need to stop pre-judging every opportunity that comes my way.  I also need to be realistic about my current financial situation and that means accepting an opportunity within my preferred salary range either here in Jacksonville or back in Memphis and sticking with the job for the next few years so I can get my debt paid off, replenish my savings account, buy a new car, buy a new Macbook and buy a new Galaxy. I am literally living on borrowed time with all three of those absolutely necessary items!  I mean I know my phone is old, but I didn’t realize how old until I was until I was taking a picture of a lion at the Catty Shack Ranch.  Everyone was lined up along the fence, zooming in for the perfect shot and I couldn’t believe the captures of the people next to me.  I might as well been standing there shaking a Polaroid.  At least that’s how I felt. 
 
Anywho… Once I allow myself to accept a boring (my perception) new job with a decent salary, I will be able to put the focus back on my writing, my video devotional series and the books I have planned to write! I will also have more energy to devote to the ministry leadership opportunities that are currently sitting in my lap.  I guess what it all comes down to is trust.  I am going to have to give up, give in and trust that God knows exactly what He is doing.  I would like to say that I am in the Hall of Fame when it comes to trusting God.  I have certainly trusted Him with some pretty big items: keeping me cancer free, the move to LA, and the move to Florida.  While I might find it easier to trust Him with the big-ticket items above (items I feel I cannot control) I am realizing that I don’t trust Him when I have or feel that I have partial control.  It’s like if I can touch it then I can screw it up so it must not be in the cards type of thinking.  I have to come to a point where I realize what walking in grace actually means.  I had a conversation with Jesus this afternoon regarding some opportunities – good opportunities – that I totally flaked.  I told Him that I guessed those type of opportunities were long gone considering my inability to accept parachute number 250.  His words to me were this “Did you not think I would know how long it would take you to relinquish your control?  Do you still not realize that you always walk in My grace?” 
 
Perhaps it is time to start trusting God for all the things I secretly want in and for my life.  Not begging for them, not petitioning for them, but just trusting for them to appear when they are supposed to appear.  Perhaps it is time to realize that while there may be a direct route to where we each want to go in life, we seldom ever choose it.  If we did, we’d miss out on so much.  Besides, don’t the best things in life come in unexpected packages?  I think I’ve heard that somewhere.  So maybe, just maybe…when life pushes you into a corner thereby taking away your ability to pick and choose – it’s actually for your own good.