As I type this post, I am nearing the end of my stint in retail. I never knew how important keeping a schedule was to my sobriety until I entered the world of retail at Christmastime! I have worked nights, days and weekends with minimal days off and it has wreaked havoc on my soul. I have always known that I was a lower energy individual and that my time to myself is important to my mental and emotional balance, but this time in retail proved just how important it is! I have talked previously about how my ability to cope with any sort of perceived stress is at an absolute zero in my sober life. During my stint in retail I had zero time for things I enjoy, zero time to veg out and zero time to well, breathe. As a consequence I spent most of the holidays in a sustained craving for a release and the most desired form was the insane desire to cut. I haven’t had this particular desire since I was a teenager. It was like my mind just skipped over the whole alcohol and drug thing, knowing it was a road to nowhere fast, and opted for cutting to release the insane amount of pressure and anxiety building up inside me. I cannot even explain this pressure, just that it was almost too much to bear and that I routinely daydreamed about jumping off a bridge into water and quickly drowning or I dreamed of cutting… the cutting dreams were actually bringing me some relief… they lessened the pressure a little bit. I started to crave cigarettes again too, which is something I haven’t craved since I quit drinking back in 2012. So how am I still here you ask? Well I prayed, begged and pleaded with God to somehow help me AND I took myself to any meeting my schedule would allow AND I found some ladies I could confide in and I told them what was going on inside me. I used the program of AA like I am supposed to when my world gets turned on its side leaving me wanting any escape possible. I also ate a lot of sugar… I believe I was eating a large Caramello a day just to keep myself alive plus a lot of other sugar. I learned early in sobriety that there will be days that I will have to substitute sugar (alcohol) for sugar ( candy, chocolate, etc) and I did what I had to do to keep myself sober. I kept putting one foot in front of the other by going to work, going to meetings and letting people in the program be my support system and I made it through… still sober today. An extra tidbit for those who experience this same type of internal pressure/anxiety… I also started doing alternate nostril breathing multiple times a day. It’s kind of a reset for your nervous system and it helps quiet the chatter. I know of the practice from yoga, but I have not used it for anxiety/stress/anger until now and it does produce relief!
On a brighter note, I have finally landed a new job that will take me back into a balanced lifestyle. And I have a generous amount of vacation to start with right off the bat! I am not even sure I can use all of the vacation the first year! I want a family trip, a ladies excursion and then maybe a fun trip somewhere to just visit life elsewhere. We will see, I guess. It was this job that saved me, really. As soon as I knew I had it, I could see light at the end of my craving tunnel. At least I am hoping that it is the crazy schedule and not Memphis that has produced this prolonged and deep rooted desire for escape! I guess we’ll see on that note soon since my new job has me staying in Memphis!
And so it begins… New year, New Job, New Life… Back where it all started. I want to complete my new years resolutions this year. I have been working with my higher power (Jesus) to formulate a plan to make things better for myself and I have quite a list to charge my way through. Some of the things on the list aren’t even fully conceptualized, but I trust that things will become clear as I approach and/or begin each task. I don’t even fully understand each task, but I feel that the key to making my life and me better rests on the completion of these tasks and so I will complete every last one. Understanding or not, makes sense or not… I just know I need to complete the list. As of right now, I only have the first half of 2018 to complete, which means I need to get going, because there is a second half that will begin to fill up as I complete what is on the first half. I kind of feel like I am at the starting point of what is to become the rest of my life and I have no idea what that looks like, but I am ready to try. And so it begins… my next chapter…. How will you write yours?
Resolutions for 2018