I was told that this year is going to be full of a lot of things that don’t make sense.  It is ringing true.  The new job I was so happy to obtain has brought a new set of challenges in that this office really likes to drink!  The office has a nice café in the center that not only includes coffees and teas, but also vodka, wine, champagne and a bevy of beers.  My coworkers are big on happy hours and routinely take the last hour of the day to congregate in the café and pour their drink of choice while talking about all the drinking they do when they are not at work.  I don’t usually go to these “happy hours” which has me singled out as the new girl who doesn’t like the people in the office.  I don’t know why I am so weirded out by it.  I have been in plenty of offices where alcohol and drugs were around… maybe it is the whole Memphis thing that has me feeling extra introverted.  I’m back in that muck of what I once was and I don’t know how to escape it.  My friends in LA wouldn’t even know what to do with me right now… I’m such a shadow of the person I was when I lived out west.
 
Maybe I am in one of those middle of the night moments I read about for the umpteenth time in my favorite book, Calm My Anxious Heart.  I find this book to be similar to the Bible and The Big Book in that every time I read it, I glean something new.  The author, Linda Dillow, talks about the night before God parted the Red Sea.  She speaks on how the Israelites were most likely freaking out… they were pegged in against the Red Sea with no where to run to, no where to go… so all they could do was listen and wait for their death.  She speaks of a little phrase found in the Bible with immense impact… “All that night the LORD drove the sea back…” God didn’t perform His miracle in daylight; He chose to perform the miracle in the middle of the night, in complete darkness, while no one was watching.  The entire night the Israelites had no idea their God was overcoming what was overcoming them.  Quite an interesting thought to ponder.  I don’t know why I am back in Memphis or why I have a job with a kitchen full of liquor for happy hours or why I am back to feeling more alone than ever.  None of it makes sense, but like I said – none of it is supposed to so maybe I am exactly where I need to be… Maybe it will all make sense at some point.  I was told that it would after certain things fall away from my life and new things emerge…  Maybe while I am sitting here dealing with loneliness, fear, anxiety and a general desire to leave planet earth… God is working on my behalf in ways I can’t know, touch or see at the moment.  I can say that I am putting my program to work in this situation just like I did in the last situation.  I am making sure I get to meetings, making sure I make time for things I enjoy like walking (it clears my head) and I am keeping busy.  I recently joined the media team at that church that makes me feel so uncomfortable.  This church does live, broadcast and web feeds so the opportunity for learning is huge.  I am currently training for a position in the control room and as much as I dread showing up, I find that I have a blast once I am there.  I often think it is crazy that a timid, shy and anxiety filled me would find enjoyment in speaking engagements, live show production and other similar things that scare most other people.  I just like the energy of making something happen and truth be told I am somehow good at it too.  I just have to get ME out of the way.
 
Another thought from this book is the creation of an Anxiety Box.  Not unsimilar to what a lot of people refer to as a prayer box, only instead of prayers, you place all the longings, desires and dreams that keep you awake at night and steal your joy during the day – into this box.  You hand them over to your creator and you allow Him to deal with them.  Just like in sobriety, sometimes you find yourself handing over these joy killers all day every day.  I know I have been deeply depressed.  A lot of my dreams seem to be dying as each year passes, at least they are dying in my own mind.  This marks another major lesson for me this year.  It was impressed upon my by my higher power (Jesus) that I need to stop making assumptions (jumping to conclusions) about how my life is going to go.  I have it in my head that I am going to get to a point where I simply cannot go on…  I guess I have it in my mind that I am going to stay single, never amount to anything, become homeless yet again and just have to jump off a bridge and become fish food.  It is a reoccurring and dominating thought in my inner life… It just seems that everything in my life is moving me toward this end.  This would be one of those moments where you think Sweet Jesus would appear and tell me how much He loves me, but no… He told me that I have to stop jumping to conclusions about my life, my abilities, about everything.  And there is truth here.  I will not lie.  No one takes me out of the game more than myself because I tend to decide ahead of time how things are going to go, how people are going to perceive me and whether or not I will be successful or liked or whatever.  I’ve always had this assumption that I am not wanted, not good enough, not smart enough, not fast enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not fat enough… just not enough, just not wanted.   Somehow everyone else on the planet makes the grade and I don’t.  This is such a deeply ingrained part of me that I make assumptions based on this thought pattern all the time and I rarely realize I am doing it.  All I can do right now is pray to be made aware of when I am jumping to a conclusion or making an assumption that I should not make.  It probably comes from some survival skill that is way too strong from early life trauma and while it serves a place in certain situations; it cannot continue to reign supreme in my life.
 
On a positive note, I have taken myself back off the Caramello bars!  LOL!  I am back on a decent schedule that allows time for the things I need and while I am still enjoying some chocolatey sweets, I am choosing healthy, low sugar options instead.  I guess choice by choice I am making decisions that prove to myself that I am worth it.  In life, just as in sobriety, we sometimes find that we have to find simple ways to override our brains.  Our brains are designed to retain system balance and system balance doesn’t always mean keeping us alive and healthy.  This tidbit is one of the best things I learned from my first sponsor.  Just because the brain wants to restore a perceived imbalance doesn’t mean you should follow its impulse.  It will reach for the easiest and fastest way to achieve its end, which usually means walking down a bad road. The same is true in life.

I thought I came to Jacksonville to get my feet wet in ministry.  I thought I came to Jacksonville to learn how to be a nicer, kinder and gentler me.  I thought I came to Jacksonville to root out some evidences of past abuse.  It turns out I came to Jacksonville to stop believing a lie that I can’t even tell you how I ever came to believe. 
 
God: Jacksonville is preparation and nothing more.
Some time later….
Me: I can’t find a community to belong to here. 
God: Why are you trying to make a home here? This isn’t your home.
Me: Do you understand that You are killing me!  I can’t take the loneliness anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God: I’m in charge of when you breathe and when you don’t. I am not killing you.
Me:  What is it that You are trying to teach me?  I can’t figure it out! You’ve taken away all of my distractions and I still can’t figure it out!  I will never get out of this desert!
God: Yes, you will. 
Some time Later….
Me: I don’t know if this is it, but I think maybe perhaps You want me to silence the undercurrent that says I am not good enough and never will be for anyone or anything.  I don’t even know where it comes from, but every sermon, song, lesson, talk, etc – whenever something relating to Your truth about me versus my truth about me comes up – I start crying.
God:  And you thought you’d never get out of the desert!
Me:  How do I silence this undercurrent?  I mean really silence it?  I mean I don’t even know its there half the time, where it came from or what to do about it – so how do I silence it?
God: You listen to me.  You listen to what I say about you.  You accept it as truth just like you accepted the 12 steps as a way to stop drinking.  You didn’t fully understand the steps or believe in them – you just accepted them.  You need to accept my words about you as truth.  You can ask me to silence it too, but I’d rather you proclaim it is silenced in my name.  You say you don’t know where it comes from, but you do.  He’s been lying to women since the first one I made.  Perhaps this will make it easier for you – You can choose to listen to my voice or you can choose to listen to his.  Listening to both hasn’t been working, wouldn’t you agree?

Ugh.  I am definitely one of those people who are way more afraid to succeed than to fail.  I have previously recounted a sermon I heard from Erwin McManus on the topic of the two voices in the Garden.  In this talk, Erwin makes it clear that while God’s voice may convict us, His voice never condemns and only calls us to be more, to do more.  God’s voice always call us up and calls us to want better and to do better.  The other voice in the Garden not only condemns us, but oppresses us too.  The other voice wants us to feel bad and it wants us to hide or escape into whatever horrible situations we can create in our lives.  Two voices that want very different things for us and Erwin asked us this question:  Who’s voice are you listening to? 
 
Obviously, somewhere deep down in my being, I am listening to the wrong voice.  Another wise pastor from my past, Craig Strickland, once said “You cannot feel your way into an action, but you can act your way into a feeling.”  I know that for me to move forward I have to start taking God at His word, especially when it comes to me.  And since I am taking it as truth, I also need to start acting on it as truth.  This is the key for me to get myself out of the situation I am in and the key to opening that big scary door I am for some reason afraid to walk through. 

Sometimes life takes you way, way, way up in the air and just leaves you there, hanging.  After a while you can’t help but wonder if you are headed for a touchdown or a crash landing. 
 
While my financial situation hasn’t changed, my stress level has skyrocketed.  The company that I have been trying to run from is crumbling before my eyes.  There is good news though!  After feeling uneasy and unsafe for so long I had started to question if my past was causing issues in my present, but it would turn out that my gut, my discernment, my instinct – whatever you want to call it – it was telling me something is off and so are all these people.  I couldn’t understand it.  It was unfounded and I found it crazy that I felt safer in gang-ridden Los Angeles than in Jacksonville, FL, but as I now know those feelings weren’t so unfounded after all.  This is the good news.  It wasn’t me.  It was and is the company and people I call my day home.  While I cannot share any of it here at this time, it does feel good to know that I can and should trust my instincts. 
 
I have been questioning many of my past decisions that were made based on my gut instinct and while they look like they might have been wrong – current happenings say otherwise. Following your gut instinct can lead you into a deep valley, but that doesn’t mean you were lead astray.   In my case, I know that the valley I am in is a back-to-the-basics, re-grounding and re-focusing list of lessons that will make all the difference when the gate opens to the pasture in my future.
 
One of those lessons is the simple truth that I can ask Jesus for a hug whenever I feel overwhelmed and over stressed.  I learned this one evening while in shavasana after a hearty detox flow.  I saw myself as a little girl in a white dress balled up crying my eyes out.  Jesus came to me and picked me up and I watched myself disappear into His light.  I did catch a glimpse of myself in His arms and I was smiling from ear to ear and happy as a child could be. I then saw present day me get up off the yoga mat and walk into Jesus’ arms disappearing into His light.  While I was watching all of this I felt an overwhelming sense of peace, calm and tranquility.  I was immediately elevated somewhere above my current human status and experienced a calm I had never known before.  I guess what I felt was love and my tear stained face proved it.   And I have felt this same tranquility again and again as I have taken Jesus on His word when He told me at the end of that vision “Don’t forget I AM always here.”  I no longer deal with anxious or unwanted thoughts in bed and I no longer worry about what to do with myself when I am alone.  Some people have alcohol or weed or a host of other things, but I have Jesus and I find Him to be the most effective calming presence with zero negative side effects.
 
I am also finding out what is important to me and what deserves my focus and what does not.  I am sad to say that like many people who grew up like I did – I have quite a fascination with materialistic things and the finer quality things at that. Take it from one who always wants the most expensive of everything… It turns out that I look just as good if not better in what I can easily afford!  I do have to admit that my pride took a hit and I might have had to be forced into one of the stores after exhausting myself in 100-degree heat trying to replace a pair of everyday sandals that broke, but once I was in the store I had a hard time leaving.
 
And then there’s that whole living with intention and learning to make the best of every situation and becoming a living example of what I want to see more of instead of what I want to see less of…. Yes, I do agree… trusting your gut can lead you into a deep valley, but it does not mean you misunderstood or made a mistake.  It does mean that you went where you needed to go to learn what you needed to learn for when you get plucked out of the valley and into the pasture that is your future.  I mean what’s the purpose in getting everything you want if you have no idea what to do with it?  I am now realizing this could have happened to me and it would have been a complete disaster!    Oh and another something – I am finding that when I spend the day in Jesus’ arms – all those personality traits that I have been trying to get rid of somehow disappear and I didn’t do anything but ask Jesus to let me sit in His arms all day long.  They say Jesus is sufficient and after spending the last couple of weeks in His arms I can say with complete certainty that He really is more than enough.

What Up Folks!  So far 2016 is looking a lot like 2015 only with less sweetness because I gave up extraneous sugar for this 21 day fasting thing.  I surprisingly did not have a hard time without my fix of fro-yo every weekend.  I did, however, find it hard to not buy any sweets at the grocery store, which is why I am glad I kicked the sugar as my way of participating in a fast.  It is easy to break promises I make to myself; it is harder to break promises I make to God.  I can actually recall myself tooling down the frozen isle scoping out some new fro-yo only to remember “oh wait, this is a God promise. CRAP!” and I tooled on along down the isle and out of frozen land.  While I have not officially lost any weight yet, my stomach is flatter and this improvement is all I need to keep extraneous sugar kicked out of my life!
 
On another front, I can say that my excitement for church is coming back!  I have no idea how either.  All I know is that once I finally relented and started going to the church that I felt God was constantly re-routing me to – something changed on the inside.  I have found that I wake up excited on Sunday mornings even though my situation has not changed.  I still go to church alone, sit alone, leave alone and go home to hang out alone, but I have an excitement that I cannot understand, an excitement beyond all understanding if you will.  This is something I have been wrestling with while in Jacksonville.  I have told God that I don’t like not having the excitement I had in LA.  I told Him I want to enjoy my Sundays again, I want that excitement back, I want Sundays to be legendary again.  Somehow the excitement is back and I am very grateful for it.  I guess it lets me know that I can have joy in the middle of what was a situation that brought nothing but disappointment and tears.   That’s definitely something, a God something, a Philippians 4:11-13 something.  I also changed where I sit.  I like to be in the middle of the action so I sit down front now regardless of when I arrive. I used to relent and go up the stairs and found that it interfered with my participation in service.   They have these usher/bouncer dudes all over the place and I just make them find me a seat as close to the front as possible. I mean it is their job so why not let them be of service.
 
I am also trying to dig deeper in my Celebrate Recovery involvement.  While I have been a facilitator/leader for the ladies share group at the beaches, I have only been fulfilling the role in the small group session itself.  This past month I have been digging deeper in that I have been focusing on building better relationships with the women who come to the beaches CR.  Instead of talking to friends at the café afterwards, I am focusing on talking to some of the ladies in the group, trying to get more of a feel for where they are in life, where they are mentally and where they are spiritually.  I want to be an encourager, a cheer leader, an ear, and a guide for these ladies in their own battles and the only way to do this is to spend time with them and so far I am loving what I am learning.
 
I have had that Live Love Lead book by Brian Houston for a while now, but just recently started to read it.  I came home from the grocery store on Saturday and felt a prompting to go to the beach.  Due to the cold weather I hadn’t been in about a month and it was a sweet 67 degrees and already 3pm so I decided to head to the closest beach for some relaxation.  As I was leaving I felt the nudge to pick up Brian’s book so I grabbed it with no intention of actually reading it.  Once I got to the beach I was glad to see some soft sand and nestled in to watch the waves roll in and out.  I find their rhythm hypnotizing and healing.  The waves do something for me that I cannot do for myself and after my recent vacation I found that the sound of the waves can be just as beneficial and so I took out the book and started reading.  I got through the introduction and the first two chapters and feel that God was trying to re-confirm His plans for me, my ministry calling and His promise in the verse He has gave me last year. (Joel 2:25) 
 
Life has just been hard and it is getting harder.  The pressure is on at a level that I have never experienced.  I know I have to make a move, but the move I want to make and the move that is most likely going to be available are not the same.  To make matters worse, I am conflicted about staying in Jacksonville.  In Los Angeles I had everything I wanted, but felt that something was off, that I wasn’t supposed to stay and that prompting turned into busted fire hydrant pressure.  Here in Jacksonville, I have nothing that I want, but feel complete peace and have absolutely no prompting to do anything except focus on the tasks I feel God has given me like this blog, the new video series, a possible memoir and continuing with ministry leadership training.  It is so strange especially since I know that I have to make a career change due to impending financial ruin.  Jacksonville does not seem to offer the career options I am looking for and I feel very conflicted about leaving and more frankly I don’t even know if I can leave at this point.  You could say that just like I relented on the church I felt God leading me attend, I am ready to relent on Jacksonville and so I tell God daily – If you want me here – then plant me.  If not, then move me.  But whatever You do, do it quickly - One thing I am looking forward to is the job hunt being over!  I need to focus on the video series and I cannot do that if I am spending an hour a night job hunting.  That hour should be creating time if not resting and relaxation time.  I can’t keep going on all cylinders all day and all night, especially with a job that drains ones soul like mine does.  To be frank, I need a minute and some fun to boot.
 
Overall, I do have a good start to the new year.  Eating is going better thanks again to the fasting thing at church.  I am delving deeper into ministry leadership, looking for a better paying job, making an effort to venture out more via local Meetup groups and in a few weeks I will be participating in a small group and the women’s ministry stuff for the spring semester at my church.  All of these are in my goals for 2016 and to quote my calendar for the month of February…

As I sit here staring out the window on a warm and dreary day in Northeast Florida, listening to the sound of rain falling onto the trees and grass, I really can’t believe it’s almost December!  Time sure does fly whether you’re having fun or not.  Seriously.

While my time in Jacksonville hasn’t been the most exciting of times, it sure has been a necessary time of personal healing.  When I came here, I was confused about everything and that confusion spilled over into my confidence both personally and professionally.  It is really amazing when you can look back and see God’s hand leading you through the past year and I can definitely see Him in mine.
 
I had an opportunity to get on with the major media player in town, but due to my mental and emotional state it would have been a disaster and I can see God’s hand in leading me away from that job in a miscommunication of interview times.  Even though the job I did land barely allows me to make ends meet, I have yet again enjoyed favor in the company and have been able to chart my own course in hours, lunches, time off and the lateral move into a better fitting department.  Looking back, I can say that I needed a lower key job while I was going through a time of personal healing so that I could make my way back to the confident, intelligent, go-getter that I am. 
 
So much has happened on the spiritual side that I don’t even know where to begin.  God has been speaking into my heart through some of the pastors here in town as well as my home tribe in LA.  Don’t you love it when the devil comes at you with brute force and God leads you to a church service where the pastor affirms your stance, gives you confidence and breathes new life into you?  That happened to me this past year.  I had a Stephen Minister who is part of a local Celebrate Recovery call me stupid for surrendering a certain area of my life to Jesus and actually abiding by His word in this area.  He did more than just call me stupid, he was actually trying to coerce me to see things his way so he would have an open door, which I shut and dead bolted immediately.  To say this caught me off guard is an understatement.  At the time I was going through Redeemed Esteem at Celebration Church, which is a book and corresponding program for those who have past abuse in their lives. I was already in extreme emotional upheaval due to the class, but the devil likes to strike when he thinks we are weak.  The trick is – if we are surrendered to Christ and actively putting Him first in our lives – we’re actually stronger than ever regardless of what we might look like to others.  I let this man steal my joy for about a month.  I had an opportunity to lead big group one night and I couldn’t do it because he was there.  I hadn’t fully digested what had happened, how it affected me, why it affected me that way and fully given it to God so I just wasn’t ready.  While I do disagree with the fact that he is a Stephen Minister – limited Stephen Minister I should say – I can be in the same room with him now and I pray for his spiritual maturity because he needs it.  I kind of drifted, what I meant to say is that the very next day – I went to hear Russ Austin over at Southpoint Community Church and he spoke an entire sermon on the issue with which I had just been challenged.  My friend looked at me and said, “ That was for you!”   
 
The last minute, last seat in the Redeemed Esteem class at Celebration was also intended for me.  It might even be one of the main reasons I came to Jacksonville.  A lot of healing took place in that class.  Strongholds that I have had for years vanished in that class.  I have shared previously that I have never been able to see myself correctly in that I tend to see someone much heavier in the mirror.  I literally freaked out one day because my wrist looked so small.  Truth is I think I was seeing as it really is for the first time that day.  I like what I see when I look in the mirror these days too.  I have a new confidence that I didn’t have before participating in that class and I am grateful for it.  I told the leader / author, Patricia Newton, that I am interested in facilitator training so that might be something  on the horizon in the new year as she is working to get the corresponding study guide published and on the market.  The book is available online and in select stores for those interested.
 
I have also been challenged to start tithing.  I have to admit that I have never been a tither.  Namely because I tend to be on the poor end of the prosperity spectrum, but in a recent sermon by a guest pastor at Celebration I felt God hit me over the head.  I knew it was my time.  I know that when you put God first, God blesses that area of your life and the one area I have yet to give Him is my finances, which by the way, are at a level of devastation that I didn’t even experience in LA!  And so I tithed for the first time a week ago.  It hurt.  I cried.  I’m a gluten-free, diabetic who needs to eat.  I have a car that is literally on its last leg.  I have too much debt to mention.  My identity was stolen earlier this year creating more debt that I am fighting.  My job is not sufficient, but I knew that when I took it – it was suppose to be a get my wits back and move on sort of position.  I didn’t think I’d be there this long and so with all of this going on – I have started tithing!  I mean with all of that facing me it seems like a no-brainer – I need to put God first in my finances and I am doing just that despite the fact that I have no idea how I am going to make it through each month.  From now on I do the following with each check I receive: pay God, pay myself,  and manage the rest. Period. End Point. Ditto.
 
Celebrate Recovery has been another major healing factor in my life and I also believe this to be one of the reasons I came to Jacksonville.  I was just too busy in LA to get involved in CR, but once I moved to Jacksonville, I had all the time in the world.  Celebrate Recovery has been the other major component in helping me get my groove back so to speak.  After attending the same CR for a while, I was able to move onto the leadership team and start being the women’s small group facilitator.  I also help out in big group on occasion and was able to give a mini-mony at this CR’s Anniversary party.  After giving my mini-mony, I was approached by a couple other CR’s in town to give my full testimony at their meetings.  A few months later I received a surprise email asking me to give my testimony at the Mandarin area meeting and I said yes even though I hadn’t bothered to flesh out a 20 minute testimony and would only have a few days to get it written in order to submit it for review.  I am so glad I said yes!  I was able to flesh out a close to 20 minute testimony and really enjoyed being able to share my story of transformation with others.  That first night is special to me and the crew over at Mandarin UMC were so welcoming.  An interesting thing happened that night that I want to share:  During the pre-service prayer, where leaders pray for the band, host and speaker, I felt the room grow warm to the point we were all flush.  A wave of calm swept over me that was so powerful that I had to ask the angels present to take a few steps back because I felt like I had swallowed a chill pill or muscle relaxant and needed this calming energy to fade just a little bit or my testimony would be rather interesting!  The amazing thing is that the energy dissipated just enough for me to be fully there, but also be fully calmed.  My nerves left and did not return.  I was fully comfortable up in front of everyone and was able to maintain a good speaking flow and a lot of eye contact with the audience.  It truly is amazing when the angels come close!  Another cool thing about that night is that there were about ten female newcomers all my age in the audience.  I, of course, did not know until afterwards when the group walked over to CR 101 and I over heard  them saying they were all first timers.  God is so Good.  I truly hope that my story of transformation helped them to open up to the transforming love of Jesus Christ and to keep coming back to CR of course!  I am also excited to do it all again over at the Chets Creek CR in the new year because if there is one thing I love talking about – it is Jesus and what all He continues to do for me.
 
Hillsong came to Jacksonville for their Hillsong NIghts tour and it was incredible.  I tried to explain to my friend that the energy of that night is what it is like to go to Mosaic every Sunday.  She couldn’t quite believe me, but its true.  I miss the energy of Mosaic and it was nice to have that energy back at Hillsong Nights.  The next day I went to Celebration to hear Brian Houston speak on what would become a talk for the dreamers of the world.  At the end, my friend, yet again, turned to me and said, “That was for you!”.  Little did she know that during that sermon God breathed a new project into my life.  
 
I have only been in Jacksonville a year, but a lot has happened.  God definitely had a reason for ripping me out of Los Angeles and bringing me to a moment of stillness so that He could take me up a level so to speak.  I am hoping to refresh my website over the month of December revealing a new look and vibe for the January 1st 2016 post.  I am also going to be expanding into the vlog/video world in the new year.  This is the project that God breathed into me over Hillsong weekend.  I have finished the brainstorming phase and am moving into the content creation phase which will be followed by deciding on a home for the content and of course, production.  I do not yet have a launch date as I don’t yet know if this content will be on my site, on YouTube or somewhere else so stay tuned as info becomes available.  Lastly, God has laid it on my heart to work on a memoir in the same vein of my CR testimony only on a much larger scale.  I probably won’t start on that until the video content is off the ground, but you never know because God’s time table and our time tables are not always the same. 
 
I guess it is sufficient to say that I am grateful for 2015 and excited to see where God takes me in 2016.  My motto is always Stay Gypsy… Stay in His Wind.
 
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all of You!
 
P.S. my friend Ruth is currently trying to fund a well through Generostiy.
Her project page is give.generosity.org/ruthwarner
Feel free to read up on all the amazing work of Generosity Water, donate to my friend’s Well, spread the word, buy some goods or start your own Well Project!  If you’re not the charity type, 2016 is a great time to start on a new path.

Ladies and Gents, over the past month I have really forced myself out of the rut that has become my existence.  A serious pulling up of the boot straps if you will.  I have been spending a lot of time alone here in Jax due to my inability to make friends.  I have a couple of people I can place in that category, but overall my life is pretty empty right now.  I found myself gaining weight, not caring about what I looked like or wore and feeling rather pointless.  I mean I couldn’t even bring myself to get a haircut because I couldn’t bring myself to care.  I remembered a phrase spoken by Craig Strickland, one of my former pastors, “you can’t feel your way into an action, but you can act your way into a feeling”. 
 
I decided to heed the advise in those words and made a list of things I could do to make it look like I gave a flying seaweed about myself and my life.  I got my hair cut and added some highlights, started working out on a regular basis again, started eating better and watching my calorie intake, took advantage of some Labor Day sales and updated my wardrobe, and made a point to think about what I was going to wear each day (makeup, jewelry, dress, shoes, bag).  I decided that just because I feel like nothing matters right now, doesn’t mean I have to act like it.  I feel like I am loosing myself here in Jacksonville so I am just going to act like I am still in Los Angeles.  I am going to wear the right clothes, have the right attitude and keep working towards my goals whether I feel like there is any reason to or not. 
 
I have also come to the realization that I really need a better paying job.  While it is true that I am in one of the better departments with my current employer, I do need to make a jump in the not too distant future which brings up the question do I wait for a decent paying ministry position to open or go back to the entertainment industry or go for both and see which door opens first?  I will most likely do the latter once my class ends in a couple of weeks because like I said, I need some financial stability, a place to call my own and some sort of anchor in my life.  Whether that anchor is a job, a city, a ministry or a man, I am feeling the need to anchor to something besides myself.  Maybe it is the security driven Taurus side rearing its head, but I feel a major push to get some things taken care of financially and get a home base ASAP.  Problem is how does one pick a home base when one hasn’t yet found a place to call home.  Perhaps home will find me.
 
I am just going to have to trust that whatever door opens is the door I am supposed to walk through.  I am going to have to trust that there is a plan at work and that the next steps will make sense.  Trust has come up several times in my Redeemed Esteem class and I feel like God is not only teaching me to trust Him right now, but He is also teaching me to trust myself, my gut, but not necessarily my feelings.  I tend to attract very inappropriate men.  It is probably why I am still singe, well that and all the drinking.  But anywho, I had been keeping a certain male at arms length for a while and no one seemed to understand why.  I guess I should also say that this was not a romantic interest, just a fellow alcoholic on recovery road.  Everyone else sings praises of this person, but I felt something else, then when this man started complaining to me about his marriage and his sex life, I thought hmm, I might be right about him because why else would he be talking to me about a topic that establishes emotional intimacy nevermind the fact that I have never been married or that he is no where near my age.  Then the nail was hit on the hammer.  I will not repeat his words here, but I received total confirmation that he is not trustworthy, definitely not Godly or even trying to be and definitely not someone who should be in any sort of ministry position (which he is L).  I am just glad that I could smell him a mile away and was able to get an early confirmation so that I can keep stiff arming him as long as it takes. 
 
I am also learning to like and love myself.  I can say with all seriousness that this is the first time in my life that I have been able to look in a mirror and like what I see in the reflection.  When God told me that I was in Jacksonville for preparation, I had no idea what He meant, but now that I am going through this class, serving in a ministry and taking part in a women’s leadership group, I feel that the preparation God was referring to was internal.  I feel that this is a time to get the inside right.  To cultivate good habits, good thought processes and a healthy belief in myself and my God.  Those signs you see at the front of roller coaster rides that say “if you have a nervous disposition then don’t ride” Well, that’s me.  I am somehow always freaking out and living in fear of every mistake I make, but I am learning to ride the waves of life, trust my gut, trust my God and more importantly, I am learning how to enjoy the ride as I move towards realizing all of my God-given potential.