2017 is coming to a close and I for one am glad to put this one in the books.  It was a hard year to say the least.  I lost my residence and I could not find another one so I was forced to crash around until I finally came to the conclusion that I had to go back to Memphis and back to my mom’s house.  I never meant to return to this city apart from visiting family.  My mom and brother may call it home, but it has never been my home.  It has been a hard pill to swallow to say the least.  On top of this is the fact that I have not been able to obtain gainful employment.  Things were looking good at the beginning of my return, but I continued to be the one among two that was not chosen.  I am working retail at the moment and I am wondering how long this scenario is going to last.  I have some pots warming on the stove, but none of them are near the salaries I was getting earlier in the year… though they do beat my old salary by more than a bit. 
 
The one thing that has been good about this return to Memphis is the fact that my creative energy is back.  I have been writing again and I have a slew of projects on the horizon.  This is something I’ve been questioning God about… Why is it that my creativity is coming back now?  Why not while I was living in Los Angeles or down in Florida?  God’s response was simple and to the point as is customary for our relationship.  My love of the outdoors and my penchant for being out and about and trying new places and things is a distraction.  Apparently, if I want to blossom in some creative areas I have to take myself away from the fun. 
 
Another area of concern I have had involves church.  The only church I have ever felt comfortable in is Mosaic in Los Angeles.  I finally found a church I was okay with in Jacksonville meaning I liked the pastor and I like the music, but I was never fully comfortable.  I moved shortly after I started to get involved and have been going to church with my mom.  Her church is probably the only close version to the churches I like in Memphis.  The preaching is okay, the music is good, but I always feel extremely uncomfortable when I attend.  I am just sick of visiting church after church and always feeling so uncomfortable… So I asked Jesus why I am so uncomfortable in His churches?  I am still digesting His response… A lot of these large non-denominational churches like that of the ARC churches are known for exerting a great amount of control over the people in their congregations to try and keep the church a safe and healthy place.  The problem is I am picking up on that male domineering control and it is making me supremely uncomfortable to the point that I want to bolt out of the building and get to where I feel safe which is outside in the parking lot.  I am not a cookie cutter, drink the kool-aid kind of Christian and I feel that at this church… you have to be or you just fall of the schedule so to speak.  I feel like God has called me to attend a leadership class at this church and now I have to decide if I can go to the class or if I should vagabond around town until I find somewhere to worship that doesn’t make me want to bolt.
 
While 2017 brought a swarm of unwelcome events, I am hopeful for a stark contrast in 2018.  I am looking forward to getting at least two of my creative projects completed and I am hoping to get a third project up and running.  I am hopeful for new employment that will allow me to get debt paid off and will allow for a path of upward mobility whether with that organization or some place else.  I am just hopeful for a lot of forward movement.  I don’t want to waste time this year… I want to move forward… I want to step into my future.

Well, California, if it makes you feel any better, I too am in what feels like a burn season.  I lost the job I have been trying to get rid of, had a biopsy done, got rear-ended by a dude in surgery scrubs who wasn’t paying attention and may now loose my car to the wonderful state of Florida who has all the laws it doesn’t need and none of the laws it does need.  As we all know you can kill people and get away with it here in Florida, but to make it easier for killers, crazies and terrorists, the great state of Florida allows anyone to buy a gun with no wait and no background check.  Anywho, that’s a soapbox for another day.  Life can just sweep you off your feet in the worst way possible and that is what it is doing to me right now. 
 
I was able to get another job within two weeks, but the job is still low pay.  I believe it is going to average out to about $20 more a pay check so I guess I can say that I did move up, albeit a very tiny step in the right direction.  The good news is that I have good benefits and much more time off.  My work days are shorter, I get more holidays and I have a shut down at Thanksgiving and Christmas which means I will be able to go home and see my family.  For those of you who haven’t caught on yet, I am now in the field of higher education.  This is a career field I have been thinking about because it is historically good for women, has longevity, great benefits and depending on the university and department within the university – there is ample time off that you don’t get unless you are in education or entertainment production.  All of which are pluses in my book.  So while I may still be in a monetary pinch, I am seeing this as a launching pad sort of opportunity.  I will be learning the ins and outs of a controller’s office and in a few years I can either jump to an internal opening or jump to another university and they have those everywhere!  So it is not all doom and gloom for this gypsy heart lady.
 
The ministry side of life is going strong.  I am taking on some more responsibility in my Celebrate Recovery home group.  Aside from leading the ladies share group, I will be doing more talking in large group, co-leading a fall step-study and getting my teaching feet wet by providing the training portion of the CR leadership meetings.  I love my Friday nights with my ladies and am excited to learn and grow as a Celebrate Recovery ministry leader. 
 
Now that I know I will be remaining in Jacksonville for a while, I need to pick a church home.  I feel like I am repeating my Los Angeles days all over again.  I started out at a church where I felt something was off, but I ignored the feeling and tried everything I could to find a place to belong.  After a year long battle, I stepped away from church #1 and started visiting a couple other churches and one of them became home, my tribe and my life for the remainder of my time in Los Angeles.  I seem to be doing the exact same thing on the other side of the country.  I picked a church and made it home even though I felt something was off, tried everything I could to find a place t belong, but in the end I find myself stepping away.  I guess I am hoping that what happened in Los Angeles will happen here in Jacksonville, that I will find my Mosaic here on the east coast. 
 
While I don’t know what is going to happen with my car at this moment, I do have peace about the situation.  The insurance company is doing everything they can to help me, but in the end, if the bumper comes off and the body shop reports frame damage, I will loose my car.  I have fought and fought to keep my car, but it hit me the other night, that this might be one of those saving grace moments.  If my transmission or some other major repair was suddenly needed, I might not be able to afford to fix the car and I cannot finance a car right now so I would be in serious trouble.  Perhaps, I am losing my car and getting a little cash to buy another one (emphasis on little cash which is the issue) because something is about to go wrong with the car I am fighting so hard to keep.  I can’t see what lies ahead, but Jesus can and He might have orchestrated the whole rear-ending event to save me from something I cannot see.  In sobriety they tell you that you that your life is like an onion.  Our lives, our emotions, our attitudes, our opinions, our perceptions and our actions form the layers around the core of the onion  and it is in recovery that we begin the process of peeling back those layers to get to the core of who we really are.  I feel that I have been peeling back the layers of surrender these past few weeks.  The idea of surrender is a huge component of the 12 steps, but the day-to-day surrender takes on new meaning when you begin to realize that you really don’t have much control when it comes to anything except your response to every day life.  If you are like me and like to have everything done a certain way and in a certain time frame then you have even more of a struggle with the daily letting go and truly letting God.
 
Everything good is grace and everything bad is the stuff Jesus holds your hand through until we get to abide in His arms.  It is hard to take a step back and surrender to a life event, but it is what is required.  We like to think that we have all the answers, but many times it is our decisions and our will that gets us into the tight spots in life.  We thought we were right, we thought we had the plan, but then something happens to shake everything up and we get rerouted and more often than not, we look back and say thank you Jesus for rerouting me out of that disaster!  In order to get rerouted we had to come to a moment of surrender that we did not like and move in a direction we did not want or anticipate, but that decision to let go and move in the direction God was apparently moving, is what rescued us.

What Up Folks!  So far 2016 is looking a lot like 2015 only with less sweetness because I gave up extraneous sugar for this 21 day fasting thing.  I surprisingly did not have a hard time without my fix of fro-yo every weekend.  I did, however, find it hard to not buy any sweets at the grocery store, which is why I am glad I kicked the sugar as my way of participating in a fast.  It is easy to break promises I make to myself; it is harder to break promises I make to God.  I can actually recall myself tooling down the frozen isle scoping out some new fro-yo only to remember “oh wait, this is a God promise. CRAP!” and I tooled on along down the isle and out of frozen land.  While I have not officially lost any weight yet, my stomach is flatter and this improvement is all I need to keep extraneous sugar kicked out of my life!
 
On another front, I can say that my excitement for church is coming back!  I have no idea how either.  All I know is that once I finally relented and started going to the church that I felt God was constantly re-routing me to – something changed on the inside.  I have found that I wake up excited on Sunday mornings even though my situation has not changed.  I still go to church alone, sit alone, leave alone and go home to hang out alone, but I have an excitement that I cannot understand, an excitement beyond all understanding if you will.  This is something I have been wrestling with while in Jacksonville.  I have told God that I don’t like not having the excitement I had in LA.  I told Him I want to enjoy my Sundays again, I want that excitement back, I want Sundays to be legendary again.  Somehow the excitement is back and I am very grateful for it.  I guess it lets me know that I can have joy in the middle of what was a situation that brought nothing but disappointment and tears.   That’s definitely something, a God something, a Philippians 4:11-13 something.  I also changed where I sit.  I like to be in the middle of the action so I sit down front now regardless of when I arrive. I used to relent and go up the stairs and found that it interfered with my participation in service.   They have these usher/bouncer dudes all over the place and I just make them find me a seat as close to the front as possible. I mean it is their job so why not let them be of service.
 
I am also trying to dig deeper in my Celebrate Recovery involvement.  While I have been a facilitator/leader for the ladies share group at the beaches, I have only been fulfilling the role in the small group session itself.  This past month I have been digging deeper in that I have been focusing on building better relationships with the women who come to the beaches CR.  Instead of talking to friends at the café afterwards, I am focusing on talking to some of the ladies in the group, trying to get more of a feel for where they are in life, where they are mentally and where they are spiritually.  I want to be an encourager, a cheer leader, an ear, and a guide for these ladies in their own battles and the only way to do this is to spend time with them and so far I am loving what I am learning.
 
I have had that Live Love Lead book by Brian Houston for a while now, but just recently started to read it.  I came home from the grocery store on Saturday and felt a prompting to go to the beach.  Due to the cold weather I hadn’t been in about a month and it was a sweet 67 degrees and already 3pm so I decided to head to the closest beach for some relaxation.  As I was leaving I felt the nudge to pick up Brian’s book so I grabbed it with no intention of actually reading it.  Once I got to the beach I was glad to see some soft sand and nestled in to watch the waves roll in and out.  I find their rhythm hypnotizing and healing.  The waves do something for me that I cannot do for myself and after my recent vacation I found that the sound of the waves can be just as beneficial and so I took out the book and started reading.  I got through the introduction and the first two chapters and feel that God was trying to re-confirm His plans for me, my ministry calling and His promise in the verse He has gave me last year. (Joel 2:25) 
 
Life has just been hard and it is getting harder.  The pressure is on at a level that I have never experienced.  I know I have to make a move, but the move I want to make and the move that is most likely going to be available are not the same.  To make matters worse, I am conflicted about staying in Jacksonville.  In Los Angeles I had everything I wanted, but felt that something was off, that I wasn’t supposed to stay and that prompting turned into busted fire hydrant pressure.  Here in Jacksonville, I have nothing that I want, but feel complete peace and have absolutely no prompting to do anything except focus on the tasks I feel God has given me like this blog, the new video series, a possible memoir and continuing with ministry leadership training.  It is so strange especially since I know that I have to make a career change due to impending financial ruin.  Jacksonville does not seem to offer the career options I am looking for and I feel very conflicted about leaving and more frankly I don’t even know if I can leave at this point.  You could say that just like I relented on the church I felt God leading me attend, I am ready to relent on Jacksonville and so I tell God daily – If you want me here – then plant me.  If not, then move me.  But whatever You do, do it quickly - One thing I am looking forward to is the job hunt being over!  I need to focus on the video series and I cannot do that if I am spending an hour a night job hunting.  That hour should be creating time if not resting and relaxation time.  I can’t keep going on all cylinders all day and all night, especially with a job that drains ones soul like mine does.  To be frank, I need a minute and some fun to boot.
 
Overall, I do have a good start to the new year.  Eating is going better thanks again to the fasting thing at church.  I am delving deeper into ministry leadership, looking for a better paying job, making an effort to venture out more via local Meetup groups and in a few weeks I will be participating in a small group and the women’s ministry stuff for the spring semester at my church.  All of these are in my goals for 2016 and to quote my calendar for the month of February…

What can I say folks, sometimes life hurts.  And my life is hurting bad right now. I think it is safe to say that I left a physical desert where I was in a mental, emotional and spiritual oasis in sunny SoCal, and now find myself surrounded by water in a mental, emotional, and spiritual desert in sunny Florida.

Physically, I am back in a complete standstill.  I threw out my back a few weeks ago and went from being able to do a forward bend with my nose against my knees to having to fight to barely touch my toes!  I thought I was on the mend and went for a short walk a few days ago that reignited all of the pain and so I am back to gentle yoga and absolutely nothing else.  My lower back and right hip are the main culprits with my right hip taking the trophy for intense sharp pain shooting around all the day long.   Emotionally, I might as well be the only person in this town.  Every time I think I have made a new friend they start treating me like an afterthought by routinely making plans with me and then canceling at the last second only to say something like “hey, I’m doing this now so can’t do whatever with you.”  My roommate says she has experienced a lot of that herself.  Who knew small town Jacksonville would have bigger and more blatantly rude flakes than that of Los Angeles.  At least in LA people make up an actual excuse!  Here in Jax people actually tell you what they are going to go do instead of hanging out with you!  So Rude.   And then there’s that job I have.  There’s nothing like working with people that you know hate you.  It gets even more fun when your job doesn’t even begin to fulfill, engage or excite you.  I am one of those people who need to be fully engaged in my activities because if I am not, my mind rolls over to everything in the world that I should not be thinking about and so with the pain, the rude treatment from could be friends and the nothing but time to focus on all the wrong things – folks – I am mentally, emotionally and physically spent.  I have no idea how long I am supposed to be in this town, but let’s just say that unlike LA, I don’t think I’m gonna feel terrible if I suddenly have to move elsewhere.

The only good news is that I have finally sort of picked a church home.  It is a church I just keep going back to because I really dig the pastor.  I am actually going to be spread across two churches this fall – a class at one where I will be taking on a major issue in my life and a life group at the one I am calling home at the moment.  The other good point is my continued involvement at a local Celebrate Recovery where I am getting my ministry feet wet.  I am learning how to lead a group of ladies, learning how to connect to people and learning how to speak in front of others and hopefully slowly gaining a stage presence.  It is this ministry stuff that needs to become more of my life – that is where my passion is, that is where my excitement is, that is where I come alive and activate the best version of myself.

You would think year 3 would sound better wouldn’t you?  I thought about that too and then it hit me – I spent 15 years in rebellion to God in an addiction that I repeatedly chose to stay in.  Yes, I gave God the one thing I didn’t think I could live without, but I’ve only worked off 3 of my 15 years.  Thank you Jesus that You are not that kind of God!  While it is true that I am still an infant when it comes to sobriety, God is not sitting up there with a stick marking off each day waiting for me to equalize the situation before He can bless me, love me or work in my life.  We humans tend to find ourselves thinking that way because it is how we were taught right from wrong.  You intentionally break your little brother’s tricycle so he can’t follow you around, chances are your parents will take away your bike as punishment.  It’s how they teach us to treat others the way we would like to be treated, but it is not how God deals with us, especially when we come to Him and admit what a shattered disaster we have become.  I fully admit that I have absolutely no idea how I am gong to go from where I am right now to the vision of my life that has been laid out by God.  The good news is God does!  My job is to stay close to Him, stay in His word, abide by His word understanding that any parameters are there to protect me and not keep me from having fun, and trust that as I grow in faith, God will open the doors that I so desperately want to open right now.  I guess for me, year 3 is the year of being a grown up, digging in and doing what I don’t want to, being faithful to the positions and places God has put me in until He opens another door.

That door I am so desperate to open is a position under a successful and dynamic ministry where I can learn how to be a leader and grow my abilities for speaking God’s word, teaching God’s word and leading others through discipleship.   Until that happens I am continuing to learn and grow in the ministry I am currently serving in and hoping for a career opportunity in the same realm.

I recently heard a mega gator fan give his CR testimony and in that testimony he shared this line from Tim Tebow’s book: Use the platform you’ve been given for God’s purpose and not your own. That line made me start thinking.  I know what I want out of my potential ministry involvement, but I haven’t asked God what He wants out of it.  I haven’t asked God what He wants out of my life, my work, my writing, my relationships or any platform that He might bestow upon me.  And that’s a question I probably should have asked at the beginning.  I am currently meditating on that question with God.  So far, I feel like He has told me that His purpose and Plan for any platform He gives me is to help change lives by changing habits and to promote true healing by helping people live in true alignment with Christ mentally, emotionally and physically.  I really need to start making this my purpose in all of my dealings whether it is in a CR group, the grocery store or with my less than desired co-workers.  I may not be living the life I wish to yet, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t act as if I already am that person.

I really do miss LA!  My friends, my adventures and Mosaic. While I no longer have that constant nagging in my soul telling me to leave the City of Angeles, I also no longer have any sort of life.  My days consist of job hunting and playing with my roommate’s dogs.  I knew I was going to be up in the air for a while and I also knew that once I officially had a new city, it would take a while to start a new life, but the reality of it is just now hitting me and, for lack of a better word, it sucks.  As of right now, the only time I get out of the house is to go for walks, go on a job interview or visit a local church.

 I think it is safe to say that Erwin McManus and Hank Fortener have changed my worship DNA.  They and the Mosaic team introduced me to a freedom in worship that I never knew before and I am finding that freedom to be important in my next faith community.  I currently have 22 churches to visit in the Jacksonville area so here’s hoping one of them will offer the tangibles I am looking for and the intangibles that I require.  For me, worship is now a response to Who my Creator is, all of Who He is; His kindness, His mercy, His grace, His power, His unending love – all of Him.  I can no longer just stand in a service and robotically sing songs as if they have no meaning.  For me, worship is personal and messy and emotional and amazing and inspiring and communicative and heartfelt. Worship is my response to what Jesus is doing in me, for me and through me; and it was my time at Mosaic that taught me this. Mosaic also gave me an idea as to the energy Heaven is going to have when we all come together to worship our Creator. It’s going to be an energy we don’t want to be away from and I promise to try to bring some of that energy with me wherever I go.  If you ever find yourself in Los Angeles, I encourage you to attend one of Mosaic's services.  Whether you are a believer or not, the experience will be worth it.

 My friends in LA wrote a story on my heart.  They reminded me who I am and how much I matter.  For some reason I have always deemed myself as someone’s second or third choice, but my friends in LA told me a different story.  I learned that I am someone worth knowing and that I make a difference in people’s lives.  I learned what it means to be me, to stand up for myself and that I am someone other people want to be around.  I’m funny, spontaneous, adventurous, insightful, caring, intelligent, somewhat crazy and 100% worthy of love.  I am still trying to wrap my head around that last one, but my friends in LA are living proof of it and I miss them every day.

 LA is also where I learned what it really means to trust Jesus with my life.  LA beat me into a corner and left me for dead and in doing so I finally surrendered my everything (alcohol) to Jesus and I got sober.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done and it has changed my life forever.  Folks, I am living proof that AA works because I was one of those people that could not imagine, a me, without alcohol.  I mean when I heard love songs on the radio I thought about my favorite vodka drink or my favorite wine.  The tables have definitely turned and when I hear love songs on the radio these days, I now think of Jesus and something He has done or is doing in me, for me or through me.  Alcohol is no longer my everything. Jesus has taken its place and I trust Him daily to keep me sober as I navigate life without alcohol and trust Him to bring friends into my life that don’t drink for their own reasons.  I trust Him to keep me afloat financially and I trust that He has a plan for my life even though it doesn’t look like it right now.  I trust that there is a reason that I drove across the entire country and landed in a small city on the opposite ocean with just a few grand to my name and I trust that everything is somehow going to be okay and that I will be able to one day explain to all of you why I had to leave all that I loved so abruptly.  The only thing I know right now is that God is being very quiet.  Not exactly what I want from my Creator as I watch job opportunity after job opportunity slip from my grasp.  I have heard, however, that one of the keys to success is one’s ability to be comfortable in complete uncertainty so I guess I need to suck it up, enjoy my break from the daily grind and trust that if I am supposed to stay in Jacksonville then I will. I am, after all, in my Father’s hands and He is the pilot; I’m just a passenger on His flight who isn’t entirely sure of her destination.

 Lastly, leaving LA has made me acutely aware of how important it is for me to feel important and to be seen as important by people that I do not know.  Every time I have an era in my life come to an end, I fall back down the rabbit hole because I have no idea what to do with myself now that I’m not Jessica the athlete or Jessica the HR professional or Jessica the production coordinator or Jessica the show host or Jessica the bloody whatever… every time I loose my title my identity disappears with it.  I need to get rid of the notion that I am what I do.  I am so much more than a job title, but for some reason, my identity is wrapped up solely in outward success and as a result my light is very dim and my light should never be dependent on the thoughts of other people.

 All in all, I had and will continue to have a love/hate relationship with Los Angeles.  It taught me a lot about myself and when referring to LA or Mosaic I use “we” so perhaps I’ll be back one day.  For now, it appears I have some things to do on the east coast – I just haven’t figured out what they are yet.

 I wish everyone a Very Merry Christmas and a Wonderful New Year.  Stay Safe.  Stay Classy and don’t be afraid to Let Your Light Shine Bright.  I will see you in 2015.

Last month I shared my inability to create a community around me here in Los Angeles.  I also shared how this inability to create a community was eating away at my soul.  As it turns out, this simple longing in my soul led me to cling to the only person available to me, My Lord, Jesus. 

As everyone and everything appeared to be taken from me, it became clear that I needed to cling to Jesus, that I needed to spend time with Him and ask Him what He wants from me and for me.  He did not hesitate to respond.

His main priorities concern the proper care of my spiritual body through spending time in His Word and in prayer, the proper care of my physical body through moderate exercise and healthy eating (something I’ve been struggling with as of late) and of course, my writing. 

It was through spending time in His Word, that He has slowly revealed to me what I believe to be a portion of His plan for me.  His plan starts with my growing up.  He gently told me that I have been an infant Christian for over 15 years and that it is time for some growth.  I have found myself back at the very first church I crossed off my list when I started church hunting a few months back.  I started going to this church for the sole purpose of spending time with a spiritual friend who happens to attend this church.  My intent was to spend time with my friend and endure this church, but this church is where my growth appears to be beginning.  To be frankly honest, the plan God has laid before me starts with taking part in several learning and growth opportunities available through this church, which means I will be remaining in LA for quite some time. 

This plan also laid out a new career track and I have begun the exhausting work of job hunting.  I know I would like to work in a non-profit or ministry related non-profit, but I do not have any further definite direction.  I feel like God is taking me all the way back to my beginning.  I thought I had already come full circle, but it turns out I wasn’t quite there yet.  As each month of sobriety passes, I get a little more clarity on who I am and an equal amount of clarity on how much confusion alcohol brought into my life.

 In August, I will be celebrating my second year of sobriety and with this celebration; I am recommitting myself to the AA program.  I have to admit that I have not been to a meeting in months.  I had to leave my home group due to a bleeding deacon and some issues relating to the male variety.  While I have been searching for a new meeting that easily fits into my schedule, there are semi-convenient meetings available and I am just going to have to make one of them my new AA home. 

On a recent hike, a friend and I planned on following a local hiking group to a southern Cali waterfall that actually had water.  We kept a decent distance until we got lost in our cameras and completely lost sight of the group.  Since we were following a group, we did not bother looking at the map at the park entrance so we had to pick a trail and hope for the best.  And so we hiked and hiked and hiked until we found a stream.  It was easy to tell which way the current was running so we stayed close to this stream and headed up towards its source.  We had no idea where we were, but we knew we were headed in the right direction.  We followed the stream for over an hour and were about to give up when we heard the sound of rushing water and laughter.  We pressed forward and found this stream’s source, a beautiful and somewhat rare, southern California waterfall. 

Sometimes, God only reveals which way His current is flowing and leaves it up to us to take on the adventure of following His stream wherever it may lead.  It’s what I am doing right now and if you find yourself in a similar circumstance, I hope you will choose to follow the stream because if you don’t – you just might miss the beauty and wonder of a magnificent waterfall.