As September rolls in here in the mid-south, I am reminded of some wisdom I once heard:  "The best way to find God’s will is to get moving.  If you try to plant yourself where He doesn’t want you – He will move you.”  I am taking this wisdom to heart.  I find it easy to become so overwhelmed with choice that I become paralyzed.  The fact that many of us have so many choices in life can create a temporary paralyses on our part in that we don’t know which way to go so we just decide not to decide and we stay stuck in our mess.  We do this with the small things and the big things in our life from what diet to follow to what career field to enter.  At least, I know I can have this problem.  I have a lot of different interests and talents and I sometimes find it hard to choose or when I do make a choice I find brick walls everywhere I turn.  Does this mean to turn back or plow through?  All I know is that I cannot continue to sit still.  I have to make a move and trust that if I make the wrong one – God will let me know or better yet, move me.
 
I have experienced this with churches I have tried to become a part of and cities I have tried to make a home base.  In both cases, I never quite fit.  In one of the churches for instance, I could not find a community.  I searched high and low and was involved in multiple groups, teams and service opportunities.  I was putting out all of this effort to belong and I was getting nothing in return.  I eventually realized I didn’t belong there and I moved on to a different church where my effort was minimal and the return was substantial.  I found my church and community and I did little to make it happen.  The same can be said with a recent city I inhabited.  It was on the coast and absolutely beautiful.  Prices were cheaper so I could actually afford a place with some sort of water view and the weather was around 80 degrees most of the year.  Problem was I could not find a life sustaining career or a good group of friends.  I tried very hard and became involved in countless groups, Meetups and churches only to have an almost zero return on my investment.  Nothing seemed to work in this beautiful place – It just wasn’t meant to be.
 
These last couple of months in Memphis have had me thinking that I should take that advice I heard all those years ago and just start making a home and see what God does in return.  I have become involved in a church, some Meetup groups and am job hunting like crazy inside and outside of Memphis.  I have a budget worked out and I know what I can accept to move and what I have to reject no matter how cool the job may be.  I am not wasting time.  I am enjoying where I am regardless of how long I might be here.  Besides, if I get moved I will have had some enjoyable experiences to carry me to the next place I land and if I get planted then I already have a head start on finding and making a home base here in Memphis.

At the end of this month I will somehow have five years of sobriety!  What a whirlwind it has been!  I feel like I have been and still am on a tour through all of the things Jessica needs to improve about herself.  What can I say?  When you spend the most important years of your life in a bottle you just don’t learn to do life, much less respond to it.
 
At this stage of the game, I know I have to find some financial security for myself.  I am making financial security priority number one.  I have been focusing my job search on higher education in Memphis and in the not too far away cities though there is a part of me that would like to be back on a coast.  I know that staying in Memphis would be the best decision financially, but I also know one should never put all of their eggs in one basket.  I am also looking at a few other career options outside of higher education…both in Memphis and outside of Memphis.
 
I guess it is just time to do some adulting.  I have five years of sobriety, but I still have trouble handling stress and it has changed the type of jobs I go after.  I often find myself comparing myself to a hurricane…. I definitely feel as though I am one.  I roar into the office in the morning, wreak havoc all day, then roar out in the evening to the gym.  To be frank, I pretty much do this everywhere I go.  I expend a lot of energy that could be used elsewhere.  Someone said I should try flipping my schedule – working out in the morning and doing yoga in the evening.  I don’t know… I have very unstable blood sugar so I am not sure how that would affect things, but I might try it once I land a new job.
 
One of the bigger elephants in the room is the fact that I cannot seem to find a way to be happy.  Every city I have lived in had something I hated about it.  Every church I have attended had something I hated about it.  Every job I have held had something I hated about it.  One could argue and possibly win the notion that everything I have ever been a part of had something wrong with it.  It has always been after I have left a place or an institution that I could really appreciate it for what it was and continues to be.  And so after five years of sobriety, I have to ask the question, is it me?  The answer is most likely yes.  So then what?  I guess I must get to the adulting.  Find a career I don’t mind doing that will pay me a living wage and afford me the time off I need to do the traveling I want to do and start enjoying life for what it is instead of what it could be. 
 
For some strange reason “Happy” always seems to be in the future with me, but the problem is if “Happy” is always in the future, then it is never in my present and I cannot experience it.  That whole life on life’s terms thing in AA is my lesson right now.  I have to do life on life’s terms, be grateful for what I do have and find a way to enjoy the blessings I have been given.  How this works out in my day-to-day hurricane lifestyle… I do not know, but this is to be my lesson for year five of sobriety!  I guess, in part, I just realize my age and realize that I am far more emotionally stable than I have ever been (I know it doesn’t sound like it) and I want to capitalize on the gratitude I do have and enjoy every experience I can.  To do this, I have to find a way to calm down and stop complaining!
 
I don’t know if I will be staying in Memphis or moving somewhere else, but I do know that I have my work cut out for me in the year ahead.  I am looking forward to getting back on my feet financially and I am looking forward to enjoying all of the new experiences this year will bring.

Sometimes life takes you way, way, way up in the air and just leaves you there, hanging.  After a while you can’t help but wonder if you are headed for a touchdown or a crash landing. 
 
While my financial situation hasn’t changed, my stress level has skyrocketed.  The company that I have been trying to run from is crumbling before my eyes.  There is good news though!  After feeling uneasy and unsafe for so long I had started to question if my past was causing issues in my present, but it would turn out that my gut, my discernment, my instinct – whatever you want to call it – it was telling me something is off and so are all these people.  I couldn’t understand it.  It was unfounded and I found it crazy that I felt safer in gang-ridden Los Angeles than in Jacksonville, FL, but as I now know those feelings weren’t so unfounded after all.  This is the good news.  It wasn’t me.  It was and is the company and people I call my day home.  While I cannot share any of it here at this time, it does feel good to know that I can and should trust my instincts. 
 
I have been questioning many of my past decisions that were made based on my gut instinct and while they look like they might have been wrong – current happenings say otherwise. Following your gut instinct can lead you into a deep valley, but that doesn’t mean you were lead astray.   In my case, I know that the valley I am in is a back-to-the-basics, re-grounding and re-focusing list of lessons that will make all the difference when the gate opens to the pasture in my future.
 
One of those lessons is the simple truth that I can ask Jesus for a hug whenever I feel overwhelmed and over stressed.  I learned this one evening while in shavasana after a hearty detox flow.  I saw myself as a little girl in a white dress balled up crying my eyes out.  Jesus came to me and picked me up and I watched myself disappear into His light.  I did catch a glimpse of myself in His arms and I was smiling from ear to ear and happy as a child could be. I then saw present day me get up off the yoga mat and walk into Jesus’ arms disappearing into His light.  While I was watching all of this I felt an overwhelming sense of peace, calm and tranquility.  I was immediately elevated somewhere above my current human status and experienced a calm I had never known before.  I guess what I felt was love and my tear stained face proved it.   And I have felt this same tranquility again and again as I have taken Jesus on His word when He told me at the end of that vision “Don’t forget I AM always here.”  I no longer deal with anxious or unwanted thoughts in bed and I no longer worry about what to do with myself when I am alone.  Some people have alcohol or weed or a host of other things, but I have Jesus and I find Him to be the most effective calming presence with zero negative side effects.
 
I am also finding out what is important to me and what deserves my focus and what does not.  I am sad to say that like many people who grew up like I did – I have quite a fascination with materialistic things and the finer quality things at that. Take it from one who always wants the most expensive of everything… It turns out that I look just as good if not better in what I can easily afford!  I do have to admit that my pride took a hit and I might have had to be forced into one of the stores after exhausting myself in 100-degree heat trying to replace a pair of everyday sandals that broke, but once I was in the store I had a hard time leaving.
 
And then there’s that whole living with intention and learning to make the best of every situation and becoming a living example of what I want to see more of instead of what I want to see less of…. Yes, I do agree… trusting your gut can lead you into a deep valley, but it does not mean you misunderstood or made a mistake.  It does mean that you went where you needed to go to learn what you needed to learn for when you get plucked out of the valley and into the pasture that is your future.  I mean what’s the purpose in getting everything you want if you have no idea what to do with it?  I am now realizing this could have happened to me and it would have been a complete disaster!    Oh and another something – I am finding that when I spend the day in Jesus’ arms – all those personality traits that I have been trying to get rid of somehow disappear and I didn’t do anything but ask Jesus to let me sit in His arms all day long.  They say Jesus is sufficient and after spending the last couple of weeks in His arms I can say with complete certainty that He really is more than enough.

The definition of corral is to gather together and confine.  Synonyms include capture, collect, enclose, lock up and shut in – in other words trap.  This might explain why I feel so trapped these days.  God spoke to me recently and He told me I was being corralled into a very tight space so He can direct me to the right pasture. His words, not mine.  His thought, not mine.  I am a Taurus through and through and trying to corral a Taurus is like trying to corral the most stubborn and aggressive bull on the planet, but I do like that word ‘pasture’. 
 
I feel like I am on a rotating merry go round of phases of corralling.  In Phase 1 I am cocky and fighting back non-stop.  In Phase 2 I realize I am trapped and I start freaking out and trying to find a way to escape.  In Phase 3 I am teary-eyed and weary with a willingness to relent, give-in and give-up.  There is a Phase 4 – the phase in which one has waved their white flag, fully given up and accepted their new reality.  In other words – they have stopped kicking and screaming allowing the Rancher to open the gate to a new and uncharted pasture – a pasture created especially for the individual walking into it.  A pasture that will be well – liked.  Unfortunately, I am stuck rotating relentlessly in and out of phases 1, 2 & 3.
 
I cannot stay where I am, but I don’t necessarily want to leave either.  I need a career and not just a job, but Jacksonville doesn’t exactly offer what I am looking for.  It can, but those positions are not numerous and are usually given to the friend of a friend, which I am not.  It sounds weird, but I like the trees here.  I also really starting to appreciate the church I attend and I really love my involvement in CR, the close proximity to the beach and the weather!  What I really like is that I feel like I can be used here, that I can have a voice here.  I didn’t feel this way in Los Angeles.  I couldn’t relate to many of the actors and entertainers I encountered there.  I can relate to people here and I think the feeling that I can be used combined with all the other things I like about Jax is what is making me want to stay. 
 
The thing is I don’t have anyone to rely on – it is just me versus the world and if I don’t make some sort of move soon – the world is going to win.  It is only a matter of time before something gives and I am ruined.  This is why I keep rotating through phases 1, 2 & 3 of corralling.  There is a large part of me that wants to stay in Jacksonville, but when I look at the larger picture financially along with the type of jobs available in Jacksonville – I feel that I am most likely facing another move.  On the one hand, I know that wherever God leads, it will be good, but on the other hand, I want to take control and stay.  I feel as though I need to choose between where I want to live and having the job I want.  I am just conflicted.  In the past when God wanted to move me, He made it abundantly clear and I was ready for it.  This time I am not ready, not very willing and not very clear.  It is more of a general knowledge that if I want a job like A, B or C – I will most likely have to move somewhere else to get it.  As I said earlier, Jacksonville has these jobs, but they are rare and given to friends, not strangers.  Of course, something could give and also force me to give up and just get another job – a much better paying one, but still another j-o-b and stay in Jacksonville.
 
The number one thing I need to do right now is stay open to what God wants to do and trust that He will direct my path just like He directed me away from the Kansas City opportunity.  I need to stop fearing that I am going to make the wrong decision and start trusting that if I do consider a misstep, that God will course correct like He always does.  I seriously want to get a tattoo that reads “Stay Gypsy”  “Stay in His Wind” on my forearm so I can read it all day every day.  I need these phrases written everywhere to remind myself to stay connected to His Wind and not necessarily this world.  And like they say – if you are trying to hold on to something, you probably need to let it go.
 
And of course the one giant elephant in this conversation that has not been broached is the fact that when one is being corralled, one is most certainly going to be doing the exact opposite of what one wants to do – otherwise it wouldn’t be called corralling.  Do you think the sheep want to go into the pen?  No, they don’t.  They want to stay out in the field even though there is no grass left for them to eat and they run everywhere except where the Rancher is trying to get them “Bahhhhing” all the way until they finally collapse from exhaustion and go in their pen only to find that the Rancher was corralling them so he could get them into a new pasture full of lush green grass and rolling hills for their delight.  The key for the sheep is yielding to and trusting their rancher and it is the same for you and me.  There is a reason Jesus is referred to as the Great Shepherd and it has nothing to do with the literal act of herding sheep.

What Up Folks!  So far 2016 is looking a lot like 2015 only with less sweetness because I gave up extraneous sugar for this 21 day fasting thing.  I surprisingly did not have a hard time without my fix of fro-yo every weekend.  I did, however, find it hard to not buy any sweets at the grocery store, which is why I am glad I kicked the sugar as my way of participating in a fast.  It is easy to break promises I make to myself; it is harder to break promises I make to God.  I can actually recall myself tooling down the frozen isle scoping out some new fro-yo only to remember “oh wait, this is a God promise. CRAP!” and I tooled on along down the isle and out of frozen land.  While I have not officially lost any weight yet, my stomach is flatter and this improvement is all I need to keep extraneous sugar kicked out of my life!
 
On another front, I can say that my excitement for church is coming back!  I have no idea how either.  All I know is that once I finally relented and started going to the church that I felt God was constantly re-routing me to – something changed on the inside.  I have found that I wake up excited on Sunday mornings even though my situation has not changed.  I still go to church alone, sit alone, leave alone and go home to hang out alone, but I have an excitement that I cannot understand, an excitement beyond all understanding if you will.  This is something I have been wrestling with while in Jacksonville.  I have told God that I don’t like not having the excitement I had in LA.  I told Him I want to enjoy my Sundays again, I want that excitement back, I want Sundays to be legendary again.  Somehow the excitement is back and I am very grateful for it.  I guess it lets me know that I can have joy in the middle of what was a situation that brought nothing but disappointment and tears.   That’s definitely something, a God something, a Philippians 4:11-13 something.  I also changed where I sit.  I like to be in the middle of the action so I sit down front now regardless of when I arrive. I used to relent and go up the stairs and found that it interfered with my participation in service.   They have these usher/bouncer dudes all over the place and I just make them find me a seat as close to the front as possible. I mean it is their job so why not let them be of service.
 
I am also trying to dig deeper in my Celebrate Recovery involvement.  While I have been a facilitator/leader for the ladies share group at the beaches, I have only been fulfilling the role in the small group session itself.  This past month I have been digging deeper in that I have been focusing on building better relationships with the women who come to the beaches CR.  Instead of talking to friends at the café afterwards, I am focusing on talking to some of the ladies in the group, trying to get more of a feel for where they are in life, where they are mentally and where they are spiritually.  I want to be an encourager, a cheer leader, an ear, and a guide for these ladies in their own battles and the only way to do this is to spend time with them and so far I am loving what I am learning.
 
I have had that Live Love Lead book by Brian Houston for a while now, but just recently started to read it.  I came home from the grocery store on Saturday and felt a prompting to go to the beach.  Due to the cold weather I hadn’t been in about a month and it was a sweet 67 degrees and already 3pm so I decided to head to the closest beach for some relaxation.  As I was leaving I felt the nudge to pick up Brian’s book so I grabbed it with no intention of actually reading it.  Once I got to the beach I was glad to see some soft sand and nestled in to watch the waves roll in and out.  I find their rhythm hypnotizing and healing.  The waves do something for me that I cannot do for myself and after my recent vacation I found that the sound of the waves can be just as beneficial and so I took out the book and started reading.  I got through the introduction and the first two chapters and feel that God was trying to re-confirm His plans for me, my ministry calling and His promise in the verse He has gave me last year. (Joel 2:25) 
 
Life has just been hard and it is getting harder.  The pressure is on at a level that I have never experienced.  I know I have to make a move, but the move I want to make and the move that is most likely going to be available are not the same.  To make matters worse, I am conflicted about staying in Jacksonville.  In Los Angeles I had everything I wanted, but felt that something was off, that I wasn’t supposed to stay and that prompting turned into busted fire hydrant pressure.  Here in Jacksonville, I have nothing that I want, but feel complete peace and have absolutely no prompting to do anything except focus on the tasks I feel God has given me like this blog, the new video series, a possible memoir and continuing with ministry leadership training.  It is so strange especially since I know that I have to make a career change due to impending financial ruin.  Jacksonville does not seem to offer the career options I am looking for and I feel very conflicted about leaving and more frankly I don’t even know if I can leave at this point.  You could say that just like I relented on the church I felt God leading me attend, I am ready to relent on Jacksonville and so I tell God daily – If you want me here – then plant me.  If not, then move me.  But whatever You do, do it quickly - One thing I am looking forward to is the job hunt being over!  I need to focus on the video series and I cannot do that if I am spending an hour a night job hunting.  That hour should be creating time if not resting and relaxation time.  I can’t keep going on all cylinders all day and all night, especially with a job that drains ones soul like mine does.  To be frank, I need a minute and some fun to boot.
 
Overall, I do have a good start to the new year.  Eating is going better thanks again to the fasting thing at church.  I am delving deeper into ministry leadership, looking for a better paying job, making an effort to venture out more via local Meetup groups and in a few weeks I will be participating in a small group and the women’s ministry stuff for the spring semester at my church.  All of these are in my goals for 2016 and to quote my calendar for the month of February…

I have written so many versions of this blog that I am not even sure what number I am at this point.  God has been doing a lot of talking and I have been listening for a change. 
 
A couple of months ago I started a frenzied job hunt that resulted in a possible position with a Christian non-profit in Kansas City.  As soon as that happened I started questioning whether or not I could actually leave the coast.  I also started looking into the reason why I felt like I should be so thankful that an organization across the country felt that I was a qualified top candidate.  Why was I risking everything to move across the country to what as might as well be the tundra to my SoCal-Flori skin?  The answer was fear.  I realized that I was afraid that nothing else would come along.  I was afraid that no one else would want to hire me.  I was afraid that given my current state of financial crisis I should just take whatever I can get wherever I can get it or else anger God.  I was afraid of past so-called mistakes like that job in Nashville I rejected.  I was afraid that I was making another mistake by not going for it and I was afraid I was making a mistake by going for it.  I was just afraid and while I don’t know much I do know that making a decision based on fear will almost always lead you somewhere you don’t want to be.
 
I spent the day after Christmas on my front porch.  I just sat outside and enjoyed the 79 degree day and the sweet breeze available on the front porch.  As I sat there sipping soda (something I don’t normally drink) I felt God enter into a conversation with me.  He began with “You know it’s not too late to live out your dream of living on the water?  With the right opportunity and your continued financial management, there is no reason why you can’t begin your own beach front bargain hunt in ten years or less.  As long as you are either working on or near (within an hour or two) the water you could have your primary residence on the water!”  In all honesty, I had forgotten about this life long dream of mine.  But God hadn’t forgotten at all, in fact, it never slipped His mind.  He really does know my heart better than I do.
 
I guess I had kind of given up.  I am 35, single and in a financial pit in the middle of a financial desert with no help in sight.  One unfortunate instance could have me packing up a rental car and heading back to Tennessee in defeat.  Those reading my blog on the regular know how hard the move to Jacksonville has been on me.  I left a great church and great friends in Los Angeles only to find myself unable to find any sort of community in Jacksonville.  I have been straddling two churches and trying to get involved at both and my efforts have frankly been a giant disappointment.  No one seems to be interested in knowing me.  I do have one friend here that I am very grateful for and we do hang out most weekends, which helps a lot, but my happiness cannot depend on one person and it never should.  I need a community and I cannot seem to find one no matter how hard I try, no matter how many groups I join or events I attend.  I didn’t have to try in Los Angels – everything just kind of fell into place.  Jacksonville has been quite the opposite and my job has been the worst part of it all.  I am use to being in a rather mobile position that includes a lot of social interaction, but my current job involves me sitting at a desk all day long and staring into a computer without so much as a peep from my co-workers.  YUCK!  Of course, I never meant to be in this job this long – it was a till I get myself sorted out and find something good sort of job that somehow has almost lasted a year.  The people are bad, the work is bad, the hours are bad and the money is really bad as is the vacation and holidays.  I know I am worth so much more.  It is just a matter of finding someone else who thinks so at this point.  Of course I also want to make sure the next position I take is a better fit for my personality and financial future.  I want something I can stick with for a while.
 
The interesting thing that came out of the KC option was that I found a new appreciation for where I live regardless of how disappointing my daily life.  I live in a city on the beach.  I can sit with the waves any time I want.  I even have a new appreciation for the church I find myself going to these days.  While it is no Mosaic, it is a good substitute.  I cried through most of the service today.  The guy speaking ( don’t know who he was as he forgot to introduce himself) spoke on what happens when the escalator stops and you have to make a move.  It was about endings, seasons in life and how sometimes you don’t know what to do, but it doesn’t mean you should stop either.  He talked about how many of us feel like we are on plan triple Z when in fact, we are actually on Plan A.  If God knows everything, then He knew every decision, mistake and stupid action we were going to make and it is all included in His plan.  We didn’t run a million miles in the wrong direction only to miss out on His blessings.  As long as we strive to keep Him first in everything we do – we are on plan A.  I guess I needed to hear that.  I mean if I had said yes to that Nashville job,  I would have never gone to Los Angeles and if I hadn’t gone to Los Angeles I would have never gotten sober around the best recovery in the world and I would have never found Mosaic and never been lit on fire by Erwin and Hank and never met the amazing friends who love me for who I am and taught me that I am lovable.  Had I never gone to Los Angeles, I would have never learned how to survive the entertainment industry, which taught me so much in life and in work.  Had I never gone to Los Angeles, I might not have heard of Celebrate Recovery.  Had I not left Los Angeles when I felt called to Jacksonville, I would not have had the time to get involved in CR, become a small group facilitator, write and give my testimony and I wouldn’t have been open to going through the Redeemed Esteem class at Celebration.  If I hadn’t said no to Nashville and yes to Los Angeles – I don’t know who I would be right now.  Maybe the decisions we look back on as our biggest mistake are actually the best decisions we ever made. 
 
God said something else to me recently and it was not sweet or reassuring.  The pastor from Celebration Orlando spoke in Jacksonville recently and while I was minding my own business (my antennas were erected) keeping watch on a guy who peeked my interest and partially listening to this dude named Josh tell a story about a conversation he had with his wife, a bomb detonated.  The story was something about his wife asking why it had taken this long for him to get an opportunity like the one he was about to embark on (I think he was about to speak at one of the Hillsong locations) and he claims that the Holy Spirit immediately told him that his character could not sustain the platforms he was seeking.  This catapulted me out of dreamland and into the reality that this little nugget was for me.  Insert frownie face.  I immediately wrote that quote down and a few other things and haven’t looked at the page since.  I didn’t need to, I know exactly what God was referring to – my inability to not act like a 35 year old going on the terrible twos on a really shouldn’t be regular basis.  Ever since that sermon, I have been acutely aware of everything I do that has to change!  It’s horrible.  I really do have to find a way to ride the wave of life without say throwing the church program down, pouting through worship, refusing to greet anyone and yelling at the traffic guy for trying to direct me around the traffic circle (I’m not stupid!)  In other news I might have had a complete melt down at a Christmas Eve service this year and it pretty much included every verbal and nonverbal thing I do that has to stop!  I like to blame my little outbursts on being a Scots-Irish Taurus Female who is diabetic and sober and trying to deal with it all, but I guess it is time to put my big girl britches on and stop acting a fool.  I have to if I want to step onto the platforms for Christ that I desire.
 
And with that I give you my 2016 Resolutions.  Some of you may find them a bit vague, but for where I am right now, they are exactly what I need to make my focus for 2016:

1. Get my health back via proper eating and working out as I have fallen into quite a few bad habits in my seclusion here in Jacksonville.
2. Obtain a good paying job I will enjoy and stay with for a while. (Jesus has a big part to play in this, but I have big part too seeing as how I should know what works and what doesn’t by now.)
3. Successfully launch my new video series/Youtube Channel – I am still in the content creation stage.
4. Work on my character (errr outbursts) so that it can sustain the platforms I desire.
5. Go to the beach more!  I live here.  It is my peace.  I should enjoy it more often.
6. Do more adventuring – hiking, kayaking, SUP and visiting neighboring towns.
7. Get involved at Celebration since that seems to be where I am landing.

 
All in all, I want to appreciate the people, places and things in my life and continue striving toward the dreams God has placed in my heart while staking a claim for my own place in the sun/sand.
 
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

What can I say folks, sometimes life hurts.  And my life is hurting bad right now. I think it is safe to say that I left a physical desert where I was in a mental, emotional and spiritual oasis in sunny SoCal, and now find myself surrounded by water in a mental, emotional, and spiritual desert in sunny Florida.

Physically, I am back in a complete standstill.  I threw out my back a few weeks ago and went from being able to do a forward bend with my nose against my knees to having to fight to barely touch my toes!  I thought I was on the mend and went for a short walk a few days ago that reignited all of the pain and so I am back to gentle yoga and absolutely nothing else.  My lower back and right hip are the main culprits with my right hip taking the trophy for intense sharp pain shooting around all the day long.   Emotionally, I might as well be the only person in this town.  Every time I think I have made a new friend they start treating me like an afterthought by routinely making plans with me and then canceling at the last second only to say something like “hey, I’m doing this now so can’t do whatever with you.”  My roommate says she has experienced a lot of that herself.  Who knew small town Jacksonville would have bigger and more blatantly rude flakes than that of Los Angeles.  At least in LA people make up an actual excuse!  Here in Jax people actually tell you what they are going to go do instead of hanging out with you!  So Rude.   And then there’s that job I have.  There’s nothing like working with people that you know hate you.  It gets even more fun when your job doesn’t even begin to fulfill, engage or excite you.  I am one of those people who need to be fully engaged in my activities because if I am not, my mind rolls over to everything in the world that I should not be thinking about and so with the pain, the rude treatment from could be friends and the nothing but time to focus on all the wrong things – folks – I am mentally, emotionally and physically spent.  I have no idea how long I am supposed to be in this town, but let’s just say that unlike LA, I don’t think I’m gonna feel terrible if I suddenly have to move elsewhere.

The only good news is that I have finally sort of picked a church home.  It is a church I just keep going back to because I really dig the pastor.  I am actually going to be spread across two churches this fall – a class at one where I will be taking on a major issue in my life and a life group at the one I am calling home at the moment.  The other good point is my continued involvement at a local Celebrate Recovery where I am getting my ministry feet wet.  I am learning how to lead a group of ladies, learning how to connect to people and learning how to speak in front of others and hopefully slowly gaining a stage presence.  It is this ministry stuff that needs to become more of my life – that is where my passion is, that is where my excitement is, that is where I come alive and activate the best version of myself.

You would think year 3 would sound better wouldn’t you?  I thought about that too and then it hit me – I spent 15 years in rebellion to God in an addiction that I repeatedly chose to stay in.  Yes, I gave God the one thing I didn’t think I could live without, but I’ve only worked off 3 of my 15 years.  Thank you Jesus that You are not that kind of God!  While it is true that I am still an infant when it comes to sobriety, God is not sitting up there with a stick marking off each day waiting for me to equalize the situation before He can bless me, love me or work in my life.  We humans tend to find ourselves thinking that way because it is how we were taught right from wrong.  You intentionally break your little brother’s tricycle so he can’t follow you around, chances are your parents will take away your bike as punishment.  It’s how they teach us to treat others the way we would like to be treated, but it is not how God deals with us, especially when we come to Him and admit what a shattered disaster we have become.  I fully admit that I have absolutely no idea how I am gong to go from where I am right now to the vision of my life that has been laid out by God.  The good news is God does!  My job is to stay close to Him, stay in His word, abide by His word understanding that any parameters are there to protect me and not keep me from having fun, and trust that as I grow in faith, God will open the doors that I so desperately want to open right now.  I guess for me, year 3 is the year of being a grown up, digging in and doing what I don’t want to, being faithful to the positions and places God has put me in until He opens another door.

That door I am so desperate to open is a position under a successful and dynamic ministry where I can learn how to be a leader and grow my abilities for speaking God’s word, teaching God’s word and leading others through discipleship.   Until that happens I am continuing to learn and grow in the ministry I am currently serving in and hoping for a career opportunity in the same realm.

I recently heard a mega gator fan give his CR testimony and in that testimony he shared this line from Tim Tebow’s book: Use the platform you’ve been given for God’s purpose and not your own. That line made me start thinking.  I know what I want out of my potential ministry involvement, but I haven’t asked God what He wants out of it.  I haven’t asked God what He wants out of my life, my work, my writing, my relationships or any platform that He might bestow upon me.  And that’s a question I probably should have asked at the beginning.  I am currently meditating on that question with God.  So far, I feel like He has told me that His purpose and Plan for any platform He gives me is to help change lives by changing habits and to promote true healing by helping people live in true alignment with Christ mentally, emotionally and physically.  I really need to start making this my purpose in all of my dealings whether it is in a CR group, the grocery store or with my less than desired co-workers.  I may not be living the life I wish to yet, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t act as if I already am that person.