New Everything seems to be on my docket for 2017.  It’s an everything must go sort of season in my life.  For starters, the house where I have been room renting, is going on the market this month and it is being listed at base price to sell quick!  Second, my car appears to be on its final leg.  I own an Impala and anyone with an Impala from 2000 to 2005 probably knows what I am going through.  Actually, most of you have probably already gotten rid of your Impalas.  According to the Chevy forums, there is nothing that can be done, unless of course, God reaches down from Heaven and puts a stop to all this crazy coolant system nonsense.  Third, after having spent a semester in my new job, I can tell you that I must leave this place!  There is no money at this institution and moreover, people in my department haven’t seen a raise in five years!  That’s just plain crazy.  I do love the holiday shut down and time off structure, but that can be found in other institutions that actually pay their people so ya know… I will be leaving.
 
Change is everywhere right now and I do not know if I will land on my feet or crash on my butt.  The only person I can blame is myself.  I left Los Angeles for some financial stability, but the decisions I have made regarding employment have not exactly helped me attain much of anything close to stable.  So now I find myself at a dangerous cross roads.  I have a decent amount of debt to pay off and am in need of a new car and a new place to live and a new place to work.  My brother has been pushing for me to come back home for a year and while he does make sense numerically, I don’t want to move without a job, which would put me in the realm of blowing my savings.
 
So with all that said, let’s talk New Year resolutions.  You do have them right?  Mine are simple this year and fall into two categories: Finances and Fitness.
 
Financially, I need to get the rest of this debt paid off so I can buy a new car!  And of course, a house would be nice too! The main way to do this would be through a new and better paying place of employment.  I am geographically open, though I would like to move closer to my mom and brother.  I would also like to be in an area with a lot of hiking.  One doesn’t really hike in Florida.  There are tons of trails here, but it is more nature walking so to speak.  Plus I haven’t really been able to find a good hiking group or find any outdoors buddies to go exploring with so I have been at a loss in terms of one of my favorite past times.  I am a professional when it comes to living on nothing, so the challenge will be to keep living on nothing until the debt is gone.  AKA, not buying new things, which is very hard to do once those credit cards start lighting up with zero balances.  Self Restraint is needed indeed.
 
The second category is fitness.  I am not necessarily trying to loose weight, but I do want to be healthy!  I need to get back to eating mostly fruits and vegetables and zero sweets.  I am trying to follow the adrenal body plan which means I need to add in protein.  I have toyed with the idea of bringing seafood back into my diet, but I just don’t feel right about it.  I mean if I can talk to it, I shouldn’t eat it. Right?  I also need to up my morning and evening workouts.  I do yoga every morning, but I need to start getting up earlier so I can get more time in on the mat and I need to be doing an hour of cardio and/or strength in evening when at home.  Once my debt is paid off, I would like to join a gym or program where I can be taken through a series of exercises.  I just do better with someone telling me what to do and making me do it when it comes to workouts.  I am good at doing the workout, but I am also good at making every excuse as to why I don’t need to give 110% or why I need to do the beginner version or the low impact version or ya know whatever.  I have decided to take a picture of myself on the first and last day of 2017 to further motivate me to eat healthy and keep up with the workouts.  Perhaps I’ll share my results with you this time next year. 
 
I guess I do have a third category in terms of New Year resolutions, but I feel that it is going to have to take a back seat until I am in a new job.  The third category would, of course, be my creative endeavors.  I have a few ideas that involve a second blog that is topic focused for 12 steppers and a YouTube channel and I do want to get back into my writing.  Since this is more dependent on the first two resolutions getting off the ground, I will dub this a bonus resolution, which in turn gives me more motivation to make the first two resolutions happen.
 
I wish all of you a Happy, Prosperous and Adventurous New Year!

Sometimes life takes you way, way, way up in the air and just leaves you there, hanging.  After a while you can’t help but wonder if you are headed for a touchdown or a crash landing. 
 
While my financial situation hasn’t changed, my stress level has skyrocketed.  The company that I have been trying to run from is crumbling before my eyes.  There is good news though!  After feeling uneasy and unsafe for so long I had started to question if my past was causing issues in my present, but it would turn out that my gut, my discernment, my instinct – whatever you want to call it – it was telling me something is off and so are all these people.  I couldn’t understand it.  It was unfounded and I found it crazy that I felt safer in gang-ridden Los Angeles than in Jacksonville, FL, but as I now know those feelings weren’t so unfounded after all.  This is the good news.  It wasn’t me.  It was and is the company and people I call my day home.  While I cannot share any of it here at this time, it does feel good to know that I can and should trust my instincts. 
 
I have been questioning many of my past decisions that were made based on my gut instinct and while they look like they might have been wrong – current happenings say otherwise. Following your gut instinct can lead you into a deep valley, but that doesn’t mean you were lead astray.   In my case, I know that the valley I am in is a back-to-the-basics, re-grounding and re-focusing list of lessons that will make all the difference when the gate opens to the pasture in my future.
 
One of those lessons is the simple truth that I can ask Jesus for a hug whenever I feel overwhelmed and over stressed.  I learned this one evening while in shavasana after a hearty detox flow.  I saw myself as a little girl in a white dress balled up crying my eyes out.  Jesus came to me and picked me up and I watched myself disappear into His light.  I did catch a glimpse of myself in His arms and I was smiling from ear to ear and happy as a child could be. I then saw present day me get up off the yoga mat and walk into Jesus’ arms disappearing into His light.  While I was watching all of this I felt an overwhelming sense of peace, calm and tranquility.  I was immediately elevated somewhere above my current human status and experienced a calm I had never known before.  I guess what I felt was love and my tear stained face proved it.   And I have felt this same tranquility again and again as I have taken Jesus on His word when He told me at the end of that vision “Don’t forget I AM always here.”  I no longer deal with anxious or unwanted thoughts in bed and I no longer worry about what to do with myself when I am alone.  Some people have alcohol or weed or a host of other things, but I have Jesus and I find Him to be the most effective calming presence with zero negative side effects.
 
I am also finding out what is important to me and what deserves my focus and what does not.  I am sad to say that like many people who grew up like I did – I have quite a fascination with materialistic things and the finer quality things at that. Take it from one who always wants the most expensive of everything… It turns out that I look just as good if not better in what I can easily afford!  I do have to admit that my pride took a hit and I might have had to be forced into one of the stores after exhausting myself in 100-degree heat trying to replace a pair of everyday sandals that broke, but once I was in the store I had a hard time leaving.
 
And then there’s that whole living with intention and learning to make the best of every situation and becoming a living example of what I want to see more of instead of what I want to see less of…. Yes, I do agree… trusting your gut can lead you into a deep valley, but it does not mean you misunderstood or made a mistake.  It does mean that you went where you needed to go to learn what you needed to learn for when you get plucked out of the valley and into the pasture that is your future.  I mean what’s the purpose in getting everything you want if you have no idea what to do with it?  I am now realizing this could have happened to me and it would have been a complete disaster!    Oh and another something – I am finding that when I spend the day in Jesus’ arms – all those personality traits that I have been trying to get rid of somehow disappear and I didn’t do anything but ask Jesus to let me sit in His arms all day long.  They say Jesus is sufficient and after spending the last couple of weeks in His arms I can say with complete certainty that He really is more than enough.

This last month has been a whirlwind of emotions.  I went from loving my surroundings and my church to wanting to leave and never look back only to find myself thinking maybe it’s not the end of the world if I stay here a little bit longer.  The bottom line is I have to do something and after glancing at my savings account I think I know what I have to do.  As much as I would love to get back to a bigger city, I need to stop pre-judging every opportunity that comes my way.  I also need to be realistic about my current financial situation and that means accepting an opportunity within my preferred salary range either here in Jacksonville or back in Memphis and sticking with the job for the next few years so I can get my debt paid off, replenish my savings account, buy a new car, buy a new Macbook and buy a new Galaxy. I am literally living on borrowed time with all three of those absolutely necessary items!  I mean I know my phone is old, but I didn’t realize how old until I was until I was taking a picture of a lion at the Catty Shack Ranch.  Everyone was lined up along the fence, zooming in for the perfect shot and I couldn’t believe the captures of the people next to me.  I might as well been standing there shaking a Polaroid.  At least that’s how I felt. 
 
Anywho… Once I allow myself to accept a boring (my perception) new job with a decent salary, I will be able to put the focus back on my writing, my video devotional series and the books I have planned to write! I will also have more energy to devote to the ministry leadership opportunities that are currently sitting in my lap.  I guess what it all comes down to is trust.  I am going to have to give up, give in and trust that God knows exactly what He is doing.  I would like to say that I am in the Hall of Fame when it comes to trusting God.  I have certainly trusted Him with some pretty big items: keeping me cancer free, the move to LA, and the move to Florida.  While I might find it easier to trust Him with the big-ticket items above (items I feel I cannot control) I am realizing that I don’t trust Him when I have or feel that I have partial control.  It’s like if I can touch it then I can screw it up so it must not be in the cards type of thinking.  I have to come to a point where I realize what walking in grace actually means.  I had a conversation with Jesus this afternoon regarding some opportunities – good opportunities – that I totally flaked.  I told Him that I guessed those type of opportunities were long gone considering my inability to accept parachute number 250.  His words to me were this “Did you not think I would know how long it would take you to relinquish your control?  Do you still not realize that you always walk in My grace?” 
 
Perhaps it is time to start trusting God for all the things I secretly want in and for my life.  Not begging for them, not petitioning for them, but just trusting for them to appear when they are supposed to appear.  Perhaps it is time to realize that while there may be a direct route to where we each want to go in life, we seldom ever choose it.  If we did, we’d miss out on so much.  Besides, don’t the best things in life come in unexpected packages?  I think I’ve heard that somewhere.  So maybe, just maybe…when life pushes you into a corner thereby taking away your ability to pick and choose – it’s actually for your own good. 

The definition of corral is to gather together and confine.  Synonyms include capture, collect, enclose, lock up and shut in – in other words trap.  This might explain why I feel so trapped these days.  God spoke to me recently and He told me I was being corralled into a very tight space so He can direct me to the right pasture. His words, not mine.  His thought, not mine.  I am a Taurus through and through and trying to corral a Taurus is like trying to corral the most stubborn and aggressive bull on the planet, but I do like that word ‘pasture’. 
 
I feel like I am on a rotating merry go round of phases of corralling.  In Phase 1 I am cocky and fighting back non-stop.  In Phase 2 I realize I am trapped and I start freaking out and trying to find a way to escape.  In Phase 3 I am teary-eyed and weary with a willingness to relent, give-in and give-up.  There is a Phase 4 – the phase in which one has waved their white flag, fully given up and accepted their new reality.  In other words – they have stopped kicking and screaming allowing the Rancher to open the gate to a new and uncharted pasture – a pasture created especially for the individual walking into it.  A pasture that will be well – liked.  Unfortunately, I am stuck rotating relentlessly in and out of phases 1, 2 & 3.
 
I cannot stay where I am, but I don’t necessarily want to leave either.  I need a career and not just a job, but Jacksonville doesn’t exactly offer what I am looking for.  It can, but those positions are not numerous and are usually given to the friend of a friend, which I am not.  It sounds weird, but I like the trees here.  I also really starting to appreciate the church I attend and I really love my involvement in CR, the close proximity to the beach and the weather!  What I really like is that I feel like I can be used here, that I can have a voice here.  I didn’t feel this way in Los Angeles.  I couldn’t relate to many of the actors and entertainers I encountered there.  I can relate to people here and I think the feeling that I can be used combined with all the other things I like about Jax is what is making me want to stay. 
 
The thing is I don’t have anyone to rely on – it is just me versus the world and if I don’t make some sort of move soon – the world is going to win.  It is only a matter of time before something gives and I am ruined.  This is why I keep rotating through phases 1, 2 & 3 of corralling.  There is a large part of me that wants to stay in Jacksonville, but when I look at the larger picture financially along with the type of jobs available in Jacksonville – I feel that I am most likely facing another move.  On the one hand, I know that wherever God leads, it will be good, but on the other hand, I want to take control and stay.  I feel as though I need to choose between where I want to live and having the job I want.  I am just conflicted.  In the past when God wanted to move me, He made it abundantly clear and I was ready for it.  This time I am not ready, not very willing and not very clear.  It is more of a general knowledge that if I want a job like A, B or C – I will most likely have to move somewhere else to get it.  As I said earlier, Jacksonville has these jobs, but they are rare and given to friends, not strangers.  Of course, something could give and also force me to give up and just get another job – a much better paying one, but still another j-o-b and stay in Jacksonville.
 
The number one thing I need to do right now is stay open to what God wants to do and trust that He will direct my path just like He directed me away from the Kansas City opportunity.  I need to stop fearing that I am going to make the wrong decision and start trusting that if I do consider a misstep, that God will course correct like He always does.  I seriously want to get a tattoo that reads “Stay Gypsy”  “Stay in His Wind” on my forearm so I can read it all day every day.  I need these phrases written everywhere to remind myself to stay connected to His Wind and not necessarily this world.  And like they say – if you are trying to hold on to something, you probably need to let it go.
 
And of course the one giant elephant in this conversation that has not been broached is the fact that when one is being corralled, one is most certainly going to be doing the exact opposite of what one wants to do – otherwise it wouldn’t be called corralling.  Do you think the sheep want to go into the pen?  No, they don’t.  They want to stay out in the field even though there is no grass left for them to eat and they run everywhere except where the Rancher is trying to get them “Bahhhhing” all the way until they finally collapse from exhaustion and go in their pen only to find that the Rancher was corralling them so he could get them into a new pasture full of lush green grass and rolling hills for their delight.  The key for the sheep is yielding to and trusting their rancher and it is the same for you and me.  There is a reason Jesus is referred to as the Great Shepherd and it has nothing to do with the literal act of herding sheep.

I have written so many versions of this blog that I am not even sure what number I am at this point.  God has been doing a lot of talking and I have been listening for a change. 
 
A couple of months ago I started a frenzied job hunt that resulted in a possible position with a Christian non-profit in Kansas City.  As soon as that happened I started questioning whether or not I could actually leave the coast.  I also started looking into the reason why I felt like I should be so thankful that an organization across the country felt that I was a qualified top candidate.  Why was I risking everything to move across the country to what as might as well be the tundra to my SoCal-Flori skin?  The answer was fear.  I realized that I was afraid that nothing else would come along.  I was afraid that no one else would want to hire me.  I was afraid that given my current state of financial crisis I should just take whatever I can get wherever I can get it or else anger God.  I was afraid of past so-called mistakes like that job in Nashville I rejected.  I was afraid that I was making another mistake by not going for it and I was afraid I was making a mistake by going for it.  I was just afraid and while I don’t know much I do know that making a decision based on fear will almost always lead you somewhere you don’t want to be.
 
I spent the day after Christmas on my front porch.  I just sat outside and enjoyed the 79 degree day and the sweet breeze available on the front porch.  As I sat there sipping soda (something I don’t normally drink) I felt God enter into a conversation with me.  He began with “You know it’s not too late to live out your dream of living on the water?  With the right opportunity and your continued financial management, there is no reason why you can’t begin your own beach front bargain hunt in ten years or less.  As long as you are either working on or near (within an hour or two) the water you could have your primary residence on the water!”  In all honesty, I had forgotten about this life long dream of mine.  But God hadn’t forgotten at all, in fact, it never slipped His mind.  He really does know my heart better than I do.
 
I guess I had kind of given up.  I am 35, single and in a financial pit in the middle of a financial desert with no help in sight.  One unfortunate instance could have me packing up a rental car and heading back to Tennessee in defeat.  Those reading my blog on the regular know how hard the move to Jacksonville has been on me.  I left a great church and great friends in Los Angeles only to find myself unable to find any sort of community in Jacksonville.  I have been straddling two churches and trying to get involved at both and my efforts have frankly been a giant disappointment.  No one seems to be interested in knowing me.  I do have one friend here that I am very grateful for and we do hang out most weekends, which helps a lot, but my happiness cannot depend on one person and it never should.  I need a community and I cannot seem to find one no matter how hard I try, no matter how many groups I join or events I attend.  I didn’t have to try in Los Angels – everything just kind of fell into place.  Jacksonville has been quite the opposite and my job has been the worst part of it all.  I am use to being in a rather mobile position that includes a lot of social interaction, but my current job involves me sitting at a desk all day long and staring into a computer without so much as a peep from my co-workers.  YUCK!  Of course, I never meant to be in this job this long – it was a till I get myself sorted out and find something good sort of job that somehow has almost lasted a year.  The people are bad, the work is bad, the hours are bad and the money is really bad as is the vacation and holidays.  I know I am worth so much more.  It is just a matter of finding someone else who thinks so at this point.  Of course I also want to make sure the next position I take is a better fit for my personality and financial future.  I want something I can stick with for a while.
 
The interesting thing that came out of the KC option was that I found a new appreciation for where I live regardless of how disappointing my daily life.  I live in a city on the beach.  I can sit with the waves any time I want.  I even have a new appreciation for the church I find myself going to these days.  While it is no Mosaic, it is a good substitute.  I cried through most of the service today.  The guy speaking ( don’t know who he was as he forgot to introduce himself) spoke on what happens when the escalator stops and you have to make a move.  It was about endings, seasons in life and how sometimes you don’t know what to do, but it doesn’t mean you should stop either.  He talked about how many of us feel like we are on plan triple Z when in fact, we are actually on Plan A.  If God knows everything, then He knew every decision, mistake and stupid action we were going to make and it is all included in His plan.  We didn’t run a million miles in the wrong direction only to miss out on His blessings.  As long as we strive to keep Him first in everything we do – we are on plan A.  I guess I needed to hear that.  I mean if I had said yes to that Nashville job,  I would have never gone to Los Angeles and if I hadn’t gone to Los Angeles I would have never gotten sober around the best recovery in the world and I would have never found Mosaic and never been lit on fire by Erwin and Hank and never met the amazing friends who love me for who I am and taught me that I am lovable.  Had I never gone to Los Angeles, I would have never learned how to survive the entertainment industry, which taught me so much in life and in work.  Had I never gone to Los Angeles, I might not have heard of Celebrate Recovery.  Had I not left Los Angeles when I felt called to Jacksonville, I would not have had the time to get involved in CR, become a small group facilitator, write and give my testimony and I wouldn’t have been open to going through the Redeemed Esteem class at Celebration.  If I hadn’t said no to Nashville and yes to Los Angeles – I don’t know who I would be right now.  Maybe the decisions we look back on as our biggest mistake are actually the best decisions we ever made. 
 
God said something else to me recently and it was not sweet or reassuring.  The pastor from Celebration Orlando spoke in Jacksonville recently and while I was minding my own business (my antennas were erected) keeping watch on a guy who peeked my interest and partially listening to this dude named Josh tell a story about a conversation he had with his wife, a bomb detonated.  The story was something about his wife asking why it had taken this long for him to get an opportunity like the one he was about to embark on (I think he was about to speak at one of the Hillsong locations) and he claims that the Holy Spirit immediately told him that his character could not sustain the platforms he was seeking.  This catapulted me out of dreamland and into the reality that this little nugget was for me.  Insert frownie face.  I immediately wrote that quote down and a few other things and haven’t looked at the page since.  I didn’t need to, I know exactly what God was referring to – my inability to not act like a 35 year old going on the terrible twos on a really shouldn’t be regular basis.  Ever since that sermon, I have been acutely aware of everything I do that has to change!  It’s horrible.  I really do have to find a way to ride the wave of life without say throwing the church program down, pouting through worship, refusing to greet anyone and yelling at the traffic guy for trying to direct me around the traffic circle (I’m not stupid!)  In other news I might have had a complete melt down at a Christmas Eve service this year and it pretty much included every verbal and nonverbal thing I do that has to stop!  I like to blame my little outbursts on being a Scots-Irish Taurus Female who is diabetic and sober and trying to deal with it all, but I guess it is time to put my big girl britches on and stop acting a fool.  I have to if I want to step onto the platforms for Christ that I desire.
 
And with that I give you my 2016 Resolutions.  Some of you may find them a bit vague, but for where I am right now, they are exactly what I need to make my focus for 2016:

1. Get my health back via proper eating and working out as I have fallen into quite a few bad habits in my seclusion here in Jacksonville.
2. Obtain a good paying job I will enjoy and stay with for a while. (Jesus has a big part to play in this, but I have big part too seeing as how I should know what works and what doesn’t by now.)
3. Successfully launch my new video series/Youtube Channel – I am still in the content creation stage.
4. Work on my character (errr outbursts) so that it can sustain the platforms I desire.
5. Go to the beach more!  I live here.  It is my peace.  I should enjoy it more often.
6. Do more adventuring – hiking, kayaking, SUP and visiting neighboring towns.
7. Get involved at Celebration since that seems to be where I am landing.

 
All in all, I want to appreciate the people, places and things in my life and continue striving toward the dreams God has placed in my heart while staking a claim for my own place in the sun/sand.
 
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Ladies and Gents, over the past month I have really forced myself out of the rut that has become my existence.  A serious pulling up of the boot straps if you will.  I have been spending a lot of time alone here in Jax due to my inability to make friends.  I have a couple of people I can place in that category, but overall my life is pretty empty right now.  I found myself gaining weight, not caring about what I looked like or wore and feeling rather pointless.  I mean I couldn’t even bring myself to get a haircut because I couldn’t bring myself to care.  I remembered a phrase spoken by Craig Strickland, one of my former pastors, “you can’t feel your way into an action, but you can act your way into a feeling”. 
 
I decided to heed the advise in those words and made a list of things I could do to make it look like I gave a flying seaweed about myself and my life.  I got my hair cut and added some highlights, started working out on a regular basis again, started eating better and watching my calorie intake, took advantage of some Labor Day sales and updated my wardrobe, and made a point to think about what I was going to wear each day (makeup, jewelry, dress, shoes, bag).  I decided that just because I feel like nothing matters right now, doesn’t mean I have to act like it.  I feel like I am loosing myself here in Jacksonville so I am just going to act like I am still in Los Angeles.  I am going to wear the right clothes, have the right attitude and keep working towards my goals whether I feel like there is any reason to or not. 
 
I have also come to the realization that I really need a better paying job.  While it is true that I am in one of the better departments with my current employer, I do need to make a jump in the not too distant future which brings up the question do I wait for a decent paying ministry position to open or go back to the entertainment industry or go for both and see which door opens first?  I will most likely do the latter once my class ends in a couple of weeks because like I said, I need some financial stability, a place to call my own and some sort of anchor in my life.  Whether that anchor is a job, a city, a ministry or a man, I am feeling the need to anchor to something besides myself.  Maybe it is the security driven Taurus side rearing its head, but I feel a major push to get some things taken care of financially and get a home base ASAP.  Problem is how does one pick a home base when one hasn’t yet found a place to call home.  Perhaps home will find me.
 
I am just going to have to trust that whatever door opens is the door I am supposed to walk through.  I am going to have to trust that there is a plan at work and that the next steps will make sense.  Trust has come up several times in my Redeemed Esteem class and I feel like God is not only teaching me to trust Him right now, but He is also teaching me to trust myself, my gut, but not necessarily my feelings.  I tend to attract very inappropriate men.  It is probably why I am still singe, well that and all the drinking.  But anywho, I had been keeping a certain male at arms length for a while and no one seemed to understand why.  I guess I should also say that this was not a romantic interest, just a fellow alcoholic on recovery road.  Everyone else sings praises of this person, but I felt something else, then when this man started complaining to me about his marriage and his sex life, I thought hmm, I might be right about him because why else would he be talking to me about a topic that establishes emotional intimacy nevermind the fact that I have never been married or that he is no where near my age.  Then the nail was hit on the hammer.  I will not repeat his words here, but I received total confirmation that he is not trustworthy, definitely not Godly or even trying to be and definitely not someone who should be in any sort of ministry position (which he is L).  I am just glad that I could smell him a mile away and was able to get an early confirmation so that I can keep stiff arming him as long as it takes. 
 
I am also learning to like and love myself.  I can say with all seriousness that this is the first time in my life that I have been able to look in a mirror and like what I see in the reflection.  When God told me that I was in Jacksonville for preparation, I had no idea what He meant, but now that I am going through this class, serving in a ministry and taking part in a women’s leadership group, I feel that the preparation God was referring to was internal.  I feel that this is a time to get the inside right.  To cultivate good habits, good thought processes and a healthy belief in myself and my God.  Those signs you see at the front of roller coaster rides that say “if you have a nervous disposition then don’t ride” Well, that’s me.  I am somehow always freaking out and living in fear of every mistake I make, but I am learning to ride the waves of life, trust my gut, trust my God and more importantly, I am learning how to enjoy the ride as I move towards realizing all of my God-given potential.

Over the past month, my life came to a slow crawl.  I was having a harder and harder time getting up in the morning and was having a very hard time staying awake at work.  My workouts became smaller and smaller until they consisted of nothing more than relaxation yoga.  I was beat and I did not know why.  I had no symptoms except for extreme fatigue.  It’s crazy how sickness can creep up on us.  I never once thought something might be wrong.  I just assumed I was depressed, that it was my fault, that I hadn’t been sleeping well or eating well, that I had gained weight and that I am just dealing with unwanted feelings or extreme loneliness.  I just kept reasoning my fatigue away until it stopped me in my tracks.  I spent three days in bed and on the third day it dawned on me that something must be wrong and so I went to an urgent care facility and found that I had a bacterial infection.  Had I not gone to the doctor, I would have only gotten worse no matter how much I rested. 

During this time of barely living, my rear view mirror hopped off my windshield again.  I knew I needed to do something about it, but it was kind of nice just driving down the road, only concerned with what was ahead and not worrying about the guy in the truck behind me.  My attention was on the road in front of me and I was driving peacefully.  It occurred to me that this is how we are supposed to drive our lives, but many of us drive constantly looking in the rear view mirror.  We’re in front of it, we’ve moved around it, we’ve driven past it, but it still holds our attention. 

 While driving without my rear view mirror one sunny afternoon, it dawned on me that Jesus never meant for us to be concerned with what’s in our rear view mirror.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying we are not supposed to deal with what’s in our past.  What I am saying is that God never meant for us to obsess on it, contemplate it and bring it into our present over and over again.  I say this because if you look at how Jesus dealt with people in the Bible, He was the exact same with every person no matter what had happened to them or what they had done.  His words were same every time.  He simply said “Follow Me”.  It is a small sentence with life changing implications.  When He said “Follow Me” He was saying listen to my words, read my words, make my words and my deeds the center of your life and do as I do, speak as I do, love as I do, strive every day to be more like Me.  Follow Me.

 Jesus never condemned anyone no matter who they were or what they had become.  He simply said Follow Me.  Make Me your role model.  Jesus never mentioned anyone’s past, instead He called everyone forward.  I heard a sermon not too long ago where the pastor on stage, said that the devil calls you to your past so he can condemn you in your defeat, but the spirit of Christ always calls you forward to a better you and a better life.  Christ might make you aware of something He doesn’t want you doing because He wants better for you, but He never condemns.  The devil condemns us, fellow humans condemn us, but God never condemns any of us because He always sees what we can become if we Follow Him.

 The funny thing is most of us walk around condemning ourselves over and over and over again for things that don’t even exist in God’s mind.  He let them go a long time ago.  He is only focused on where He is taking us; we are the ones focused on where we have been.  I know that I keep pointing back to a decision I made several years ago where I adamantly refused to move in the direction God wanted me to and to this day I often wonder if that one decision ruined my entire life.  Thoughts like what if that was a once in a lifetime opportunity and now God will only let me wallow in crappy jobs?  What if my husband was in that city and I didn’t get to meet him so now I am going to be alone?  What if that career was going to be a launching pad for me to have a larger ministry and now I am going to die with a burning desire in my heart that was never fulfilled?   The problem with these kind of thoughts is that they totally disregard that the fact that Jesus always calls us forward and that if we follow Him to the best of our ability learning and growing as we walk through life with Him, He always leads us somewhere good.  He is not about condemnation, He is not concerned with our past – He is only concerned with where He is taking us because His plans for us never change.  Whatever He started in us, He will complete – if we follow Him and allow Him to work in and through our lives.  I know I have come full circle and find myself rather exhausted thinking it’s time to call it, that I’ve missed my opportunities, that I can’t possibly attain the vision I keep seeing for my life… But Jesus is looking at me saying “Jessica, I created that vision for you. I know how to get you there.  Just keep following Me.”

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.
Joseph Campbell

Speaking of a soul nudging, I had an intense desire to worship on a week night in March.  I was just being pulled to the computer so I got some things done, logged into Pandora, clicked on the worship station and let it rip.  By the second song, I knew this was not going to be an ordinary worship experience.  God had made this appointment because He had something to reveal to me.  I have previously shared that I have issues grasping and believing God’s love for me.  I can fully believe it for everyone else and often encourage others in His love, but I have always had a hard time accepting it for myself.  Alcoholics are known for being hard on themselves and I can say with all certainty that I have this trait.  Becoming more and more aware of my lack of joy, I have been praying that God would help me to open up to His love, that He would help me receive it on a daily basis so that I can have the joy that so many other Believers seem to radiate.  I don’t feel that I can ever become a light in this world until I am fully able to receive this love and so I have asked Jesus to help me receive it, that His love would become real to me, that it would impact me daily. 

This week night worship experience ended up being a dialogue of love from my Heavenly Father to me.  Through the songs that played He told me how He already knew every mistake, slip up, wrong turn, absurd plan, stupid word and every disappointment I could ever cause Him and He still deems me worth taking on the worst death in history so that we can walk together through this life and escort me into an eternal life that is beyond what any imagination can fathom – supreme happiness – everything this world started out to be until we intervened.

I am proud to say that since this worship experience, I have noticed a difference in my attitude at work, in the car and during my personal outings.  I am nowhere near perfect, but I can tell that God is transforming me into that radiate light I so want to be and it is awesome.  If you are reading this and think you are too far-gone to ever make a change like I am making – then by all means read through my earlier posts.  I am not a saint and that is exactly why I am thankful for my Savior.

This worship experience has also redefined my goals for this year.  First and foremost, I am striving to love Jesus by living my life in such a way that it leads others to Him.  A second goal is to stay sober, which has not really been an issue as of late.  This, however, is due to the fact that I tend to only hang out with people who either do not partake in alcoholic beverages or I only accept invitations where it is unlikely that alcohol will be a focal point.  I know that I will have to branch out at some point, but until then I am happy to just be enjoying the sober life.  Lastly, God has reminded me of something He told me a few years back:  My job is to write; His job is everything else.  Insert eye roll or dumb face or whatever you would like because these are the ways I usually respond to this comment from my Creator.  It just does not compute in my brain.  How can I only carry the writing and God carry everything else?   It seems like a deal anybody with even a quarter of a brain would jump on but, I am one of those beings who seems compelled to make everything more complicated.  Nevertheless, I am complying and what I am finding is that as I make my writing a priority, interesting things start to happen around me.  For instance, the more energy I put into my writing, the clearer I become on what I want out of my daytime career.  I also have some doors opening in terms or new writing groups, critique groups and info-panels that directly correlate to my own business plan. Hmm, maybe I should listen to my Creator more often!  It’s a horrible statement, but it is true.  So often in life, we earnestly seek God’s advice, but as soon as He gives it, we tend to shrug and go make another mistake that makes more sense to us.  Somehow, He still loves us through it all and even patiently holds our hand while trying to keep us from walking directly into and/or climbing over the bumper rails He’s so kindly placed on our paths.

The winds of change are still blowing through my life at this moment and I know I am headed for a major career change, but I also know that this change will usher in a new era in my life.  I feel a resurrection of sorts is on its way – Whoever said it is not about the destination; it is about the journey was right.  Destinations change and often times you find that once you arrive, it is not at all what you had in mind so you might as well savor every moment and let the destination find you.  Besides, if it weren’t for the journey, how would you ever know where you belong?

Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls.
Joseph Campbell