Jessica Lynn Lee
  • Home
  • Mental Health
  • Spiritual Living
  • Blog Archives

Conclusion Jumping & Other Bad Habits

2/1/2018

0 Comments

 
I was told that this year is going to be full of a lot of things that don’t make sense.  It is ringing true.  The new job I was so happy to obtain has brought a new set of challenges in that this office really likes to drink!  The office has a nice café in the center that not only includes coffees and teas, but also vodka, wine, champagne and a bevy of beers.  My coworkers are big on happy hours and routinely take the last hour of the day to congregate in the café and pour their drink of choice while talking about all the drinking they do when they are not at work.  I don’t usually go to these “happy hours” which has me singled out as the new girl who doesn’t like the people in the office.  I don’t know why I am so weirded out by it.  I have been in plenty of offices where alcohol and drugs were around… maybe it is the whole Memphis thing that has me feeling extra introverted.  I’m back in that muck of what I once was and I don’t know how to escape it.  My friends in LA wouldn’t even know what to do with me right now… I’m such a shadow of the person I was when I lived out west.
 
Maybe I am in one of those middle of the night moments I read about for the umpteenth time in my favorite book, Calm My Anxious Heart.  I find this book to be similar to the Bible and The Big Book in that every time I read it, I glean something new.  The author, Linda Dillow, talks about the night before God parted the Red Sea.  She speaks on how the Israelites were most likely freaking out… they were pegged in against the Red Sea with no where to run to, no where to go… so all they could do was listen and wait for their death.  She speaks of a little phrase found in the Bible with immense impact… “All that night the LORD drove the sea back…” God didn’t perform His miracle in daylight; He chose to perform the miracle in the middle of the night, in complete darkness, while no one was watching.  The entire night the Israelites had no idea their God was overcoming what was overcoming them.  Quite an interesting thought to ponder.  I don’t know why I am back in Memphis or why I have a job with a kitchen full of liquor for happy hours or why I am back to feeling more alone than ever.  None of it makes sense, but like I said – none of it is supposed to so maybe I am exactly where I need to be… Maybe it will all make sense at some point.  I was told that it would after certain things fall away from my life and new things emerge…  Maybe while I am sitting here dealing with loneliness, fear, anxiety and a general desire to leave planet earth… God is working on my behalf in ways I can’t know, touch or see at the moment.  I can say that I am putting my program to work in this situation just like I did in the last situation.  I am making sure I get to meetings, making sure I make time for things I enjoy like walking (it clears my head) and I am keeping busy.  I recently joined the media team at that church that makes me feel so uncomfortable.  This church does live, broadcast and web feeds so the opportunity for learning is huge.  I am currently training for a position in the control room and as much as I dread showing up, I find that I have a blast once I am there.  I often think it is crazy that a timid, shy and anxiety filled me would find enjoyment in speaking engagements, live show production and other similar things that scare most other people.  I just like the energy of making something happen and truth be told I am somehow good at it too.  I just have to get ME out of the way.
 
Another thought from this book is the creation of an Anxiety Box.  Not unsimilar to what a lot of people refer to as a prayer box, only instead of prayers, you place all the longings, desires and dreams that keep you awake at night and steal your joy during the day – into this box.  You hand them over to your creator and you allow Him to deal with them.  Just like in sobriety, sometimes you find yourself handing over these joy killers all day every day.  I know I have been deeply depressed.  A lot of my dreams seem to be dying as each year passes, at least they are dying in my own mind.  This marks another major lesson for me this year.  It was impressed upon my by my higher power (Jesus) that I need to stop making assumptions (jumping to conclusions) about how my life is going to go.  I have it in my head that I am going to get to a point where I simply cannot go on…  I guess I have it in my mind that I am going to stay single, never amount to anything, become homeless yet again and just have to jump off a bridge and become fish food.  It is a reoccurring and dominating thought in my inner life… It just seems that everything in my life is moving me toward this end.  This would be one of those moments where you think Sweet Jesus would appear and tell me how much He loves me, but no… He told me that I have to stop jumping to conclusions about my life, my abilities, about everything.  And there is truth here.  I will not lie.  No one takes me out of the game more than myself because I tend to decide ahead of time how things are going to go, how people are going to perceive me and whether or not I will be successful or liked or whatever.  I’ve always had this assumption that I am not wanted, not good enough, not smart enough, not fast enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not fat enough… just not enough, just not wanted.   Somehow everyone else on the planet makes the grade and I don’t.  This is such a deeply ingrained part of me that I make assumptions based on this thought pattern all the time and I rarely realize I am doing it.  All I can do right now is pray to be made aware of when I am jumping to a conclusion or making an assumption that I should not make.  It probably comes from some survival skill that is way too strong from early life trauma and while it serves a place in certain situations; it cannot continue to reign supreme in my life.
 
On a positive note, I have taken myself back off the Caramello bars!  LOL!  I am back on a decent schedule that allows time for the things I need and while I am still enjoying some chocolatey sweets, I am choosing healthy, low sugar options instead.  I guess choice by choice I am making decisions that prove to myself that I am worth it.  In life, just as in sobriety, we sometimes find that we have to find simple ways to override our brains.  Our brains are designed to retain system balance and system balance doesn’t always mean keeping us alive and healthy.  This tidbit is one of the best things I learned from my first sponsor.  Just because the brain wants to restore a perceived imbalance doesn’t mean you should follow its impulse.  It will reach for the easiest and fastest way to achieve its end, which usually means walking down a bad road. The same is true in life.

0 Comments

    Categories

    All
    12 Steps
    2013
    2014
    2015
    2016
    2017
    2018
    2nd Peter 2:9
    Absurd Plan
    Abuse
    Acceptance
    Accomplishments
    Addiction
    Addiction Neurology
    Adoption
    Adrenal Body Type
    Adulting
    Adventure
    Agnostic
    Alcohol
    Alcoholics
    Alcoholics Anonymous
    Alcoholism
    Alice In Wonderland
    All Lives Matter
    Aloneness
    Alternate Nostril Breathing
    Alton Sterling
    American Justice
    Anais Nin
    Angels
    Anger Management
    Anorexia
    Answer
    Answered Prayers
    Anxiety
    Appreciation
    ARC Churches
    Assumptions
    Attention
    Attitude
    Auld Lang Syne
    Beach
    Being Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable
    Belonging
    Bethel Music
    Betrayal
    Bible
    Big Book
    Biopsy
    Black Lives Matter
    Blessing
    Blessings
    Blessings In Disguise
    Bliss
    Blossom
    Brian Houston
    Bucket List
    Budget
    Bullies
    Burning Season
    Calm My Anxious Heart
    Cancer
    Career
    Car Problems
    Celebrate Recovery
    Celebration
    Celebration Church
    Change
    Character Defects
    Charles Kinsey
    Chevy Impala
    Choices
    Christianity
    Christmas
    Church
    Circumstances
    Clarity
    Cling
    Closure
    Clutter
    Coincidences
    Collierville
    Comfort Zone
    Commandments
    Commands
    Common Sense Gun Laws
    Community
    Compassion
    Complaining
    Condem
    Condemnation
    Confirmation
    Confusion
    Connect
    Consequences
    Contentment
    Control
    Coolant System
    Coping Mechanisms
    Corral
    Counting Blessings
    Courage
    Craig Strickland
    Crash
    Craving
    Creative
    Creative Energy
    Creativity
    Creator
    Crossroads
    Cultivation
    Cutting
    Dad
    Daniel Kevin Harris
    Daydreams
    Dead Ends
    Debt
    Decision Paralysis
    Decisions
    Defiant
    Demean
    Depression
    Derams
    Desert
    Desire
    Desire To Escape
    Destiny
    Diabetes
    Diabetic
    Direction
    Disappointment
    Discomfort
    Dissatisfaction
    Distraction
    Doubt
    Doubting Thomas
    Dreams
    Easter
    Eating Disorders
    Empowerment
    Entertainment
    Entreprenuer
    Erwin McManus
    Exodus 14:21
    Expectations
    Extraordinary Life
    Faith
    Father
    Fatigue
    Favor
    Fear
    Fears
    Finances
    Financial Crisis
    Financial Pressure
    Financial Stress
    Fitness
    Florida
    Flu
    Focus
    Follow Me
    Friend
    Friends
    Fruit Of The Spirit
    Generosity
    Germantown
    Getting Over Fears
    Giants
    Gifts
    Goals
    God
    God Shot
    God's Will
    Golden Rule
    Good Friday
    Grace
    Gratitude
    Great Shepherd
    Growth
    Gut
    Gypsy
    Hank Fortner
    Happiness
    Happy
    Happy Heart
    Happy Hours
    Happy Life
    Happy Mind
    Happy New Year
    Happy Thanksgiving
    Healing
    Health
    Healthy
    Heartbroken
    Heaven
    Higher Power
    Hiking
    Hillsong
    Holidays
    Holy Spirit
    Hope
    Human Journey
    Identity
    Impact
    In Between A Rock And A Hard Place
    Indecision
    Indentity
    Indignant
    Inner Joy
    Inner Transformation
    Instinct
    Insult
    Intention
    Intuition
    Jacksonville
    Jesus
    Jesus' Arms
    Job Hunting
    Joby Martin
    Joel 2:25
    Joel Osteen
    Joe Smith
    Joseph Campbell
    Josh Turner
    Journey
    Joy
    Joyce Meyers
    Joy Killers
    Jumping To Conclusions
    Kim McManus
    Kindness
    King Of My Heart
    King Of The Jews
    Knoweledge
    Labor Day
    Law Enforcement
    Leadership
    Leap Of Faith
    Letting Go
    Lies
    Life
    Life Balance
    Life Lessons
    Life Navigation
    Life On Life's Terms
    Life Or Debt
    Life Purpose
    Life Script
    Linda Dillow
    Live Love Lead
    Live Show Production
    Longing
    Lonliness
    Loose Ends
    Los Angeles
    Love
    Lower Vibrations
    Making The Best Of Things
    Making The Old New Again
    Malibu
    Margaret Shepard
    Math
    Meaning
    Meditation
    Melanoma
    Memphis
    Mercy
    Messages
    Metamorphosis
    Midnight Moments
    Ministry
    Ministry Leadership
    Miracles
    Mirage
    Mistakes
    Mitzvah
    Mockery
    Mosaic
    Moving
    Music
    Nashville
    New Job
    New Year
    New Year Resolutions
    Nomad
    Nudges
    Opportunity
    Option Overload
    Outbursts
    Pain
    Parable
    Passion
    Pasture
    Path
    Patricia Newton
    Paul
    Peace
    Perception
    Perseverance
    Perspective
    Philando Castile
    Phillipians
    Phillipians 4:11-13
    Plane
    Planning
    Plot
    Plot Twist
    Police
    Police Departments
    Policing
    Power
    Praise
    Prayer
    Preparation
    Pressure
    Production
    Promises
    Prompting
    Propellers
    Propel Women
    Prosperity
    Protection
    Public Speaking
    Purpose
    Redeemed Esteem
    Red Sea
    Regrets
    Relationships
    Reliance
    Repairs
    Reroute
    Resolution
    Resolutions
    Resurrection
    Retail Life
    Returning Home
    Rewards
    Ridicule
    RiverTown
    Road
    Robert Frost
    Role Model
    Romantic Comedy
    Rookie
    Russ Austin
    Saint
    Satisfaction
    Satisfied Life
    Savior
    Scripture
    Seasons
    Seasons In Life
    Self Belief
    Self Doubt
    Self Harm
    Self-harm
    Self Respect
    Self Sabotage
    Self-sabotage
    Self Talk
    Self-torture
    Self Worth
    Serenity
    Seth MacFarlane
    Shavasana
    Sheep
    Shepherd
    Shift In Perspective
    Sin
    Sinner
    Sober
    Sober Birthday
    Sober Life
    Sobriety
    Social Anxiety
    Soul
    Soul Journey
    Soul Transformation
    Southpoint Community Church
    So Will I
    Spiritual Healing
    Step 4
    Step 5
    Steve Jobs
    Steve Maraboli
    Stress
    Stress Response
    Stubborn
    Stuck
    Success
    Suffering
    Sugar
    Suicidal Dreams
    Suicidal Thoughts
    Suicide
    Surrender
    Sustainer
    Taurus
    Tebow
    Temper
    Tennessee
    Testimony
    Thanksgiving
    Thought Life
    Timid
    Timing
    Tim Tebow
    Tithing
    Trail Life
    Tranquility
    Transformation
    Trekking
    Trust
    Truth
    Twist Of Fate
    Unemployment
    Unwanted Feelings
    Unwanted Thoughts
    Upheaval
    Value
    Vegan
    Vegetarian
    Veteran
    Victory
    Victory In Defeat
    Victory While Suffering
    Visions
    Voices
    Voices In The Garden
    Waterfall
    Waves
    Waves Of Life
    Weed
    What If
    Willlingness
    Winds Of Change
    Wisdom
    Wonderlust
    Word
    World Adoption Day
    Worship
    Worth
    Wreck
    Writer
    Wrong Turn
    Xanax
    Yeshua
    Yield
    Yoga
    Zachary Levi
    Zeal

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly
  • Home
  • Mental Health
  • Spiritual Living
  • Blog Archives