A Look Back

The drive back home was riddled with blinding rainstorms and interstate standstills so I had plenty of time to think back to life in Los Angeles and life in Jacksonville… The people I met, the things I learned, the growth that took place.  As I look back over the last five years there are definitely some people who stand out in my mind.  Some of these people are like Kirsten, Liz, and Tracy who became my close friends and made life fun.  Liz was my adventure pal.  We scaled a waterfall, paddle boarded and kayaked our way through various marinas and hiked our way through various mountain ranges during my time in Los Angeles.  I hope to start an annual girls adventure vacay with some of my LA friends and some of my Jacksonville friends soon.  I have so much more to see and experience and I want to make travel a top priority once I have the debt paid off and am back in my own place.  Kirsten, Larissa, Nora & Lauren were my Mosaic friends.  I met them all in a life group.  On my first visit I knew I’d found friends and we became just that close friends doing life together.  I miss having that in my life, but I am hopeful I will have some ladies to do life with again soon.
 
Someone I probably have not mentioned at all on this blog is a man named Joel.  He was a producer at a church I went to for a while prior to making Mosaic my home church.  I was freshly sober and scared of everything and somehow got put on the production team of this church to basically run the services.  By that, I mean I ran the ever so important Macbook that ran the pre and post house music, the pre and post screen loops, the worship lyrics, the teaching screens, the videos… the only thing I did not run was the lights and sound, but I learned how to do that too… well, the lights at least.  When I say I was scared of everything, I mean I really was scared of everything and everyone.  I had no idea how to do anything without alcohol and I walked around looking like a deer in headlights to everyone I encountered.  People were always asking me if I was okay and I always gave a very unsure “yeah”.   Joel had the task of taking this deer in headlights girl and making her into someone who could run church services like a pro and that is exactly what he did.  I remember the first time I was up to run point and he, being very smart, did not tell me.  Instead, he let me figure it out when I heard him praying for me in our pre-service prayer.  I had no time to freak out or get upset or think anything really.  The only thing I could do was quickly go over what I needed to do and just do it and I did.
 
This experience came in handy shortly thereafter when I was working with a filmmaker on a live non-profit show that featured celebrity guests.  One day I showed up a tad late at our downtown show location and the first words out of her mouth were “good you’re wearing something nice.  The host cancelled.  You’re it.”  And just as before, I did not have time to freak out and I relied on my previous experience to ask the questions I needed to ask and memorized what I needed to memorize and about 45 minutes later, after introducing myself to the celebrity guest and getting some information from him – I took the stage and played host for the evening.  It was so much fun!  I got to welcome the audience, introduce the guest and occasionally remind everyone why we were all there – for a charity called Kids Need to Read.  It was a great evening and we had a great time and more importantly I had a great time doing something I never thought I would ever do!  I’m an introvert after all, but I have realized that doing what I never thought I would do has been the name of the game for this deer in headlights girl.
 
After leaving Los Angeles, I got involved in Celebrate Recovery and soon found myself back on a stage.  This time I was giving my alcohol testimony and I did it for a few CR’s in the Jacksonville area.  The more I get on stage, the more comfortable I become.  I have learned the hard way that the only way to get over something that scares you is to do that very thing you fear.  Now, I give other people advice on how to overcome their fears and I routinely put those with public speaking fear on the spot because it is the only way anyone can ever over come that fear.  My next move is to get my teaching/preaching feet wet either in CR or in a Women’s Ministry, but I guess I need a CR or a church home for that. 
 
Actually, my CR leaders Jay and Karen in Florida also had a big impact on my growth over the last couple of years.  Looking back I now know the reason I was led to Celebrate Recovery – I needed a lot of healing.  I needed to learn to love myself.  I needed to learn how to make healthy choices and healthy decisions and healthy boundaries.  I needed to raise my self-respect and my self worth and that is exactly what I did.  I also was able to get my ministry feet wet by learning to become the women’s share group leader.  Jay and Karen are also the ones who got me onto the testimony circuit and provided feedback so I could get better at speaking in public.  I also needed to learn to love others, but I think that comes with being comfortable with yourself and understanding who and what you are.
 
This leads to the people that made the most impact on me. The Liz’s, Tonia’s and Tracy’s – the people who like me for me.  They think I am funny and intelligent and pretty and a whole lot of fun.  I didn’t know anyone could like me without alcohol.  I lived most of my life under the oppression of extreme social anxiety and it was not until I got sober, learned to be comfortable in uncomfortable situations and started making sober friends that I found true friendships that showed me things I never knew about my self.  I do belong and I do have a place in this world and there are people who cherish me for me.  I guess this is the biggest lesson I have learned because it is the lesson that freed me from trying to be anyone except me. 
I do not know what lies ahead for me, but I do know that I can handle whatever is coming my way.  Right now I am focusing on job hunting and once I land a job I can start making a place for myself while I get back on my financial feet.  I always wanted to leave Memphis and never come back, but maybe I wanted to leave because of what I needed to learn.

"We travel, some of us forever, to seek other states, other lives, other souls." - Anais Nin