One morning in meditation I focused on the phrase “I am capable”.  I began to hear the lyrics to a Crowder song float through my head… “Oh, the cross meant to kill is my victory…” My mind began to combine the two into one phrase or one thought: I am capable because the cross meant to kill is my victory… This led to a final impression during the meditation: That which is meant to destroy me, can also be used to propel me forward.
 
I think anyone reading this blog knows that I have really been going through it since my return to Memphis.  I have known some others who like myself left, got sober and later returned to only find themselves back in treatment.  I even had people warn me to stay away, but my path took me here.  At the time, I just thought they were weak or not working their program, but Memphis is proving to be the biggest test of my sober life.  I love that my family is here, but I don’t really love anything else about this town, or the south for that matter.  It’s not like I live against the grain here or anything… I just find that I do better or feel more comfortable in very open and creative environments.  It’s like my introverted soul needs that accepting energy in order to breathe. 
 
After the meditation, I decided to jot down the things that I perceive to be crippling my life:
 
My job – the happy hours, the coworkers, the work itself or lack thereof.
My addiction/alcoholism
My severe social anxiety
My indecision paralysis
My health issues
My depression/Fear of my future
 
My question to myself has been how in the world do each of the above items propel me forward?  How can each of them be used to propel me forward?
 
In typical Jesus fashion my answer came in the form of a parable regarding life on the trail.  I feel most free when I am exploring a new trail and it occurred to me that I never remember the end of a trail… I never remember the moment I finished.  I only remember the sights, sounds and discoveries made while exploring.  I recall the pressure moments when I had to find a way around, over, under or through something in order to continue on the trail.  I recall a creek discovered, the baby deer we got footage of, the large snapping turtle that walked across our path or the moment we decided to veer off the main path which led us to a private waterfall.  I never recall the beginning or the end… only all the stuff in the middle, the experiences, the moments of awe and the moments of sheer terror and it is these moments that form and mold me into the person I am today.  It’s not a defining moment, but rather a slow progression that happens without my even being aware of it so long as I continue navigating to the best of my ability and trusting that my savior and friend will help me if I get stuck.
 
I guess that’s the answer to my question.  How does each of my life crippling factors propel me forward?  They just do so long as I stay committed to putting one foot in front of the other and doing the next right thing over and over again while staying committed to doing life with my savior and friend, Jesus. 
 
I mean I have seen it happen in my own life.  My first year of sobriety in Los Angeles was insane.  I couldn’t even take myself to the grocery store I was so freaked out…. But somehow I finally managed to go grocery shopping, attend all my meetings, get a good job, make friends, find a church home, start adventuring, take commitments at meetings, take commitments at church, learned to rock climb, learned to paint, learned to SUP, learned the neurology of addiction and most importantly I have learned what it means to do life with Jesus because when you can’t even go to the grocery store because you are paralyzed with fear… you really learn what it means to lean in, trust and walk hand in hand with the Creator of the universe. (P.S. it was my sobriety that led me to several new loves in my life including hiking/adventuring, photography, live show production and public speaking! Not bad for someone that was so scared and timid she couldn’t even go to the grocery store!)
 
Walking hand in hand with my higher power is what I am doing right now.  I am being tested beyond belief, maybe slightly loosing my mind some days, but I am staying sober and not taking on any new addictions – thank you! Slowly, but surely I am getting back on track with my creative pursuits.  I feel uncomfortable, I feel unstable… I feel like nothing in my life is making sense right now, in fact, I feel like I am walking on a dead end road and maybe I am for that matter…. but I know that all of this stuff that is meant to destroy me… meant to be my downfall… is actually going to be what propels me forward into a new existence, a new reality or perhaps onto a new path.   It’s not about the beginning or the end; it’s about where the journey takes you and who you become as a result of saying yes to the adventure.

Greetings from the Mid-South!

As I write this post, I am reminded of a Propel Women study I took part in at a previous church.  I believe the topic was time or timing or how to manage your time wisely… well, it was something along those lines.  The main thought I remember centered on the fact that you can have it all, just not all at the same time!  The conversation continued along the lines of seasons in life correlating to the accomplishments in one’s life.  Many people want to accomplish so many things like parenthood, career, service works, entrepreneurial endeavors, creative projects, ministry involvement and personal bucket list items.  The truth is that we can accomplish everything our hearts desire, however, the likelihood of accomplishing all of it at the same time is very slim.  For one thing, our lives would be an absolute mess, as would any of our relationships and friendships. We are not meant to do everything at the same time... But we are each meant to accomplish many great things.
 
I don’t know what it is about Memphis, but whenever I find myself here I find a current of creative energy.  I have only been here a couple of months and I already have several creative projects percolating.  I also have this sense of urgency to get things going, to start creating, to make something happen before it is too late; however, when I consult my God about my plans – He pulls back the reigns as if to say ‘slow up woman… It’s not time for that yet’. 
 
Knowing what season you are in makes all the difference in the world when it comes to being successful.  We all know that timing is everything and so it makes sense that knowing the calling on your life in this particular moment or season will make all the difference in your success right now and your success in any future endeavors.
 
As much as I want to plow ahead with some of the ideas I have percolating, I know that my current season is a time of preparation.  I am noting all that comes to mind for each project, but I am not working on those projects right now. I have no doubt that I will begin work on some of these projects in the new year, but for right now I am in an active preparation mode that includes writing exercises, scripture classes, small group leadership preparation and some research regarding how to move forward with projects that are yet to be named.
 
I feel an amazing momentum in my life even though the reality speaks volumes in the opposite direction… But like Martin Luther King Jr. said, “You don’t have to see the whole staircase, you just have to take the first step” and the rest of the steps will magically appear as you and God walk hand in hand to accomplish great things together.
 
Knowledge is everything.  If you know what your objective is in this moment, this season; then you can navigate your way to the next moment, the next season, the next project, the next accomplishment.
 
Happy Navigating!

At the end of this month I will somehow have five years of sobriety!  What a whirlwind it has been!  I feel like I have been and still am on a tour through all of the things Jessica needs to improve about herself.  What can I say?  When you spend the most important years of your life in a bottle you just don’t learn to do life, much less respond to it.
 
At this stage of the game, I know I have to find some financial security for myself.  I am making financial security priority number one.  I have been focusing my job search on higher education in Memphis and in the not too far away cities though there is a part of me that would like to be back on a coast.  I know that staying in Memphis would be the best decision financially, but I also know one should never put all of their eggs in one basket.  I am also looking at a few other career options outside of higher education…both in Memphis and outside of Memphis.
 
I guess it is just time to do some adulting.  I have five years of sobriety, but I still have trouble handling stress and it has changed the type of jobs I go after.  I often find myself comparing myself to a hurricane…. I definitely feel as though I am one.  I roar into the office in the morning, wreak havoc all day, then roar out in the evening to the gym.  To be frank, I pretty much do this everywhere I go.  I expend a lot of energy that could be used elsewhere.  Someone said I should try flipping my schedule – working out in the morning and doing yoga in the evening.  I don’t know… I have very unstable blood sugar so I am not sure how that would affect things, but I might try it once I land a new job.
 
One of the bigger elephants in the room is the fact that I cannot seem to find a way to be happy.  Every city I have lived in had something I hated about it.  Every church I have attended had something I hated about it.  Every job I have held had something I hated about it.  One could argue and possibly win the notion that everything I have ever been a part of had something wrong with it.  It has always been after I have left a place or an institution that I could really appreciate it for what it was and continues to be.  And so after five years of sobriety, I have to ask the question, is it me?  The answer is most likely yes.  So then what?  I guess I must get to the adulting.  Find a career I don’t mind doing that will pay me a living wage and afford me the time off I need to do the traveling I want to do and start enjoying life for what it is instead of what it could be. 
 
For some strange reason “Happy” always seems to be in the future with me, but the problem is if “Happy” is always in the future, then it is never in my present and I cannot experience it.  That whole life on life’s terms thing in AA is my lesson right now.  I have to do life on life’s terms, be grateful for what I do have and find a way to enjoy the blessings I have been given.  How this works out in my day-to-day hurricane lifestyle… I do not know, but this is to be my lesson for year five of sobriety!  I guess, in part, I just realize my age and realize that I am far more emotionally stable than I have ever been (I know it doesn’t sound like it) and I want to capitalize on the gratitude I do have and enjoy every experience I can.  To do this, I have to find a way to calm down and stop complaining!
 
I don’t know if I will be staying in Memphis or moving somewhere else, but I do know that I have my work cut out for me in the year ahead.  I am looking forward to getting back on my feet financially and I am looking forward to enjoying all of the new experiences this year will bring.

They say God might not be there when you need Him, but He is always right on time.  I guess the saying stands for those moments when life turns your time table on its side and lets it stay sideways for a while.  Events seem to happen at the absolute worst moments and nothing makes any sense.  You start to feel like you are in one of those metal crushers, you know the ones that crush cars?  You already thought pressure was coming from every angle possible, but you have been proven wrong when new and stronger pressures appear out of nowhere.  Each day you discover a new meaning to the phrase “stuck between a rock and a hard place” and that is one onion you never had any interest in peeling. 
 
I have been focusing on getting out of my job and getting out of my temporary living situation as soon as possible, but now due to a health hiccup, I am not even sure I can do that! This health hiccup, until resolved will keep me in the exact situation I am trying to escape.  I can’t even give up and go home because I have to keep my health insurance. It’s as if God through out a spike strip to halt me in my tracks.  The fact that I know I am not wanted in my temporary living situation makes it all the worse.  It really sucks when you are going through hell and the one person you find yourself at the mercy of really doesn’t like you, nor you him for that matter.  I am constantly afraid he is just going to abruptly kick me out.  He has already thrown the fact that he is letting me stay in his home in my face and people who do favors and then throw it back in people’s faces or hold those favors over their head are the exact people I don’t want to associate with and they are the exact people that would throw someone out abruptly.  My only saving grace is that I start paying rent this month so if he does try to throw me out – he is going to have to pay me for it.  Oh, and my wonderful car with the brand new coolant system is still having coolant problems.  I am back to adding coolant every few days!  I honestly don’t even know what to do right now.   I am trying to keep my plan on track by continuing to job hunt and if something more comes of this health hiccup, then I will have to re-evaluate the plan at that time.    I will know more in a couple of weeks, which incidentally coincides with my deadline of switching gears and preparing to head back home to Memphis.
 
The one bright light in all of this chaos is the fact that I have not even had the inkling to pick up a drink.  I mean what good would it do me anyway!  Yes, it might make me oblivious to all of my problems, but the problems would still be there only I would probably have more problems if I gave alcohol another chance.
 
I don’t know what I am being held in place for, but I just have to continue riding this crazy wave and trust that it will take me to where and who I need to be.  Besides, those of us that know Jesus will never find ourselves outside of His hands.  My Jax pastor said something the other day that struck me:  when Jesus was in the garden asking for the cup to be removed, the cup He was referring to was not all that would happen on the cross, He was referring to what would happen immediately after – the momentary separation from God that He would have to suffer on our behalf so that you and I would never have to spend one second out of His arms.

They say if March comes in like a lion that it will go out like a lamb.  Is the same true for years?  Let’s just say 2017 roared in and all but brought me to a complete standstill.  For starters I had to say goodbye to the sweetest and fiercest cuddlebug I’ve ever known.  Rosie, the toy stealing Boston, became very ill very quickly and had to be put down given her age.  She needed a very invasive surgery that brought no guarantees so my roommate did the right thing by escorting her to the big park in the sky.  The day she left us I contracted what I am calling a stress response.  I have a neck and back trauma from flying off an overpass about a decade ago.  I believe my stress reactivated this whiplash so to speak and I found myself in constant pulsating sharp pain in the lower back part of my neck on the left side of my body.  I also had limited mobility and I stayed this way for about a week to ten days.  As soon as I was back to normal physically and mentally, my car overheated while I was driving home from seeing a friend.  The red light started flashing and an alarm started going off which I am told was meant to make me pull over, which I did not.  I saw no steam so I figured I would continue driving.  It turns out my radiator was blown and I had to spend a pretty chunk of money on a new one, however, my coolant light was still flashing.  Going on my neighbor and roommates advice I put coolant in with the motor running and found that the small leak I was eventually going to get fixed had turned into a shower under my car.  No Wonder.   I had put about three bottles of coolant in the radiator and people kept asking me if there was a spot under my car and there wasn’t and there never would have been since it only showered coolant while the engine was running. And back to the mechanic I went only to find out that I had two leaks and needed to replace the rest of the components of my coolant system.  My main hope now is that the transmission will last long enough for me to get my debt paid off so I can buy a new car and I know what I want when that time comes… if that time comes, God willing.
 
So as I said in my previous post, my two main resolutions were financial based and fitness based.  Both have been blown out of the water.  I had one credit card paid off and was making head way on the other, but those are both back up at the top of their limits thanks to Christmas and my lovely car.  Then there’s the fact that I have restarted workouts, but am having issues with my upper body.  I am finding it very easy to reactivate my injury and weights are just not in the cards right now.  Though, I am finding it possible to slowly ramp up yoga practice.  So you know there’s some light.
 
This past week I became very angry regarding a co-worker who is now my boss.  I don’t have any hate for this individual and I do wish her the best in life – I just wish her life didn’t have to intersect with mine.  We share an office and she literally goes out of her way every day to remind me that she loves everyone in the office except me.  I have no idea what I did to her but she has been hateful toward me from day one.  This hate drama and the fact that I really need to get out of this job and the fact that I am very unhappy doing this job are starting to take a toll on me.  I just can’t seem to shrug it off and enjoy my day to the best of my ability anymore.  I am beginning to get stuck in an I hate my life mode at work.  It seems that this holding pen I am in just keeps getting smaller.  Every time I think I understand the act of corralling I somehow find myself in a smaller space with even less to breathe.  Being someone who has been touched my cancer and being someone who has stiff armed cancer for going on ten years now, I know that we are not guaranteed tomorrow and that we should each make the most of the time we have on Earth.  And I actually think that it is this “life is too short to not enjoy it” mentality that is getting the best of me right now.  I haven’t been happy in Florida.  I don’t have a community here. My job doesn’t provide what I need on a social, mental, emotional or financial level.  Yes, there are some good things to point out like my living situation, my involvement in Celebrate Recovery and getting to love on Rosie and now Lilly. But, I am at a boiling point. I say all of this to share that this past week in a moment of extreme anger (sitting at my desk and going off on everyone inside my head) my entire upper back and left side of my neck re-clinched and back to pain and immobility I went.  This would be the moment that I realized that my neck and upper back pain and stiffness are in fact a response to stress. 
 
I have shared previously that I am trying to follow the adrenal body type plan in an effort to curb the effect of stress on my mind, body and soul.  It speaks volumes that I can now literally stress myself into immobility and pain.  I have to find a way to deal with the daily stress of life before I literally stop my own heart.  Yes, I am a yogi.  Yes, I know I should know how to calm and center myself.  Yes, I am a Christian and I should have the peace of Jesus.  But I was also an alcoholic for like 16 years so I never really learned how to deal with life, in fact, my way of dealing with life whether good or bad was to drink.  It’s like putting a band-aid on a wound that requires stitches.  Yes, you are covering it up, but it is never going to heal properly.  That’s what my drinking did for me.  Yes, I could get through some really traumatic events like losing my dad and facing my own cancer, but I never learned how to handle life on life’s terms and so while I appear to function appropriately and wisely, I am for all intensive purposes, a raging toddler on the inside.
 
So maybe my new New Year’s Resolution for 2017 should be to learn how to ride the wave of life without letting it steal my inner joy.  Well, you know how it goes… We tell God our plans and He smiles and nods and then He finds a way to tell us His plans… His plans tend to prevail.  I know that much.

In Memory of Rosie, the toy stealing Boston who was as fierce as she was sweet.  Her humans miss her very much.