I spent Christmas of 2014 alone and it gave me some time to look back on some of my most notable regrets. While I never thought I’d be turning 35 without a career, a husband, a house or any children – this appears to be on the agenda for 2015. Going through Christmas alone was actually good because I realized that being alone is not as bad I once thought. I enjoyed Christmas cookies, some phone calls from friends and family and some really good holiday movies. Being alone at the holidays did not kill me – it actually did quite the opposite – it gave me back some of the power I had lost somewhere along the way.
They say you should never compare yourself to others, but I find it to be a tall order. Most of my friends made better choices in life and as a result are enjoying a soaring career, motherhood and all the things that come with that good life. I, on the other hand, seem to have developed a knack for changing both career and scenery every three years. Instead of enjoying the good life, I’m wondering what will become of me, how I will be taken care of and if I will ever feel like I belong anywhere. It was these questions that made me take yet another look back at some of my most notable regrets, only this time, I did not regret the choices I made. You see I simply was not ready. If you’re not ready – guess what? You’re just not ready. Had I accepted that dream job in the Christian music industry, I would have sabotaged it and still ended up penniless in Los Angeles. I needed to go to LA, I needed to get a taste of the industry and I needed to be brought to my knees and I needed to get sober. I also laughed in the face of a few great men that I now would give anything to have someone like them come across my path. We’re talking good-looking, Godly, athletic, sweet and amazing men that I just wasn’t ready to meet. They were ready to make an impact on this planet, get married and start families whereas I couldn’t see past running in circles. Had I forced myself to settle down I would probably have ended up divorced with major wreckage in my quake. These guys were and are amazing men, but I wasn’t the woman I needed to be when I knew them.
I guess you can say that 2014 has brought me to terms with the woman I have been and made me ready for the woman I am to be. I do regret not being ready, BUT, I do not regret the choices I have made. Those choices, strange as they may be, are what led to who I am today. Without them – I just wouldn’t be.
My resolutions for 2015 are short, simple and as follows:
1) Continue my venture into Celebrate Recovery and go through their Step Program (more on this next month)
2) Pay off my debt and keep it off this time. (my wandering ways were not meant to hold debt)
3) Stay Gypsy! (aka Stay in His Wind Always)
My Life Verses for 2015 are as follows:
A) Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you... plans to prosper you, to give you a hope and a future.
B) Joel 2:25 - I will restore the years that the locusts ate away.
Wishing all of you a happy and joyous 2015!
There are times in life where everything seems so unfair. Whether it is treatment from co-workers or so-called friends, an inability to build a community around one’s self or a constant financial struggle. Life can, at times, seem very unfair.
I feel like I am on a rollercoaster of emotions these days. I have somehow gone from supreme happiness and contentment to the deep seeded need of belonging to a community. I feel more alone than I have ever felt and I do not understand where this feeling is coming from. While it is true that I have had a hard time building a community in Los Angeles, I have also stayed very busy so it has not been a bother until now. For a woman, feeling alone equals feeling unloved and you would think that my Father in Heaven would be very sensitive to me at this time. That He would gently remind me of His love and that He has great plans for me.
Instead, my Heavenly Father is in full on DAD mode. He has made me acutely aware of the fact that while I may feel like He is not taking care of me, He actually is doing that and so much more. It started with my learning of a gentleman who had a car accident very similar to the one I had several years back. The only difference being that I landed upright and he landed upside down. That one difference means I walked away with lesions and a life long case of whip lash, whereas, he has endured multiple surgeries to fix an internal problem that has yet to be fixed. He remains in constant misery, unable to work and lives on the verge of suicide due to excruciating pain from an internal problem that cannot be found much less cured. I could have been him, but I was not. I function normally, have no pain other than the reactivation of whip lash which means I cannot rock climb or do any thrill riding. What a difference in our lives! Favor was definitely bestowed on my indignant soul.
My Heavenly Father went on to remind me of all of the favor He has bestowed upon me in all those paying the bill jobs that I routinely tell Him I could do without. The only reason I even landed my first job was due to the fact that my boss just liked me and felt like I could be a friend and a co-worker. It was a similar situation in the second full-time job I acquired. The woman who was doing the hiring, wanted someone closer to her age that could be an accountable co-worker and friend and that is exactly what I was to her. I also received favor in the form of the president of the company taking a liking to me. This man was a ferocious human being, but when he saw me, his whole demeanor changed. Not once, did he ever accost me like he did everyone else. Moreover, once I had put in my notice to move to Los Angeles, I found out that he only kept me on the payroll for the previous year because he liked me. Work was very slow and there really hadn’t been a need for me at the company, but I was able to keep my job and my paychecks, which allowed me to save money to move to Los Angeles all because favor had been bestowed upon my indignant soul.
Once in Los Angeles, I was able to find a job in what I thought took eons but according to LA locals, I was “so blessed to get a job that quick because it can take up to a year or more to get a job in LA”. Again, a man at my company just took a liking to me from the start. If you ask me, I think I remind him of a younger version of his wife, but he has been on my side since day one and has also managed to get me two raises in a company where no one is getting raises even when they get un-asked for promotions. This last raise is what has finally moved me out of living paycheck to paycheck and allowed me to create a plan to get out of debt over the next year. Even though I tend to see nothing but what is wrong and missing in my life, God has yet again bestowed favor upon my indignant soul.
While I am not completely content with life as I know it, I guess I need to stop complaining and start thanking my Heavenly Father for being my DAD and making sure I have everything I need to live a decent life. Los Angeles is both great and horrible at the same time with the main issue being that I have not found a place to truly belong. It is this inability to belong that has me wondering if I only came LA to get clean and sober. The aloneness I constantly feel is eating away at my soul and it has me thinking about that job in Nashville that I so rudely kicked back to God while screaming “Hell No”. The very unfunny truth is that clean and sober Jessica would absolutely love that job! Go figure, right? I have also been thinking about the fact that if there were one other city in America that has the same self-publishing and writing community as Los Angeles, it would be Nashville. While Nashville has a few too many rednecks and no ocean, it is close to family and boasts a great city where I can afford to buy a single-family home. I guess I can say it is on my radar as a possibility in the next couple of years, but even as I type this, I am reminded of my mother who was bound and determined to get out of Tennessee and back to California – she never made it back because love has a way of happening when you are making other plans.
So here’s to staying up in the air, keeping an open mind, making choices that keep my writing a priority, having a thankful heart instead of a complaining one and most importantly… Here’s to a great summer full of whatever blessings God has in store for this indignant soul.