The drive back home was riddled with blinding rainstorms and interstate standstills so I had plenty of time to think back to life in Los Angeles and life in Jacksonville… The people I met, the things I learned, the growth that took place.  As I look back over the last five years there are definitely some people who stand out in my mind.  Some of these people are like Kirsten, Liz, and Tracy who became my close friends and made life fun.  Liz was my adventure pal.  We scaled a waterfall, paddle boarded and kayaked our way through various marinas and hiked our way through various mountain ranges during my time in Los Angeles.  I hope to start an annual girls adventure vacay with some of my LA friends and some of my Jacksonville friends soon.  I have so much more to see and experience and I want to make travel a top priority once I have the debt paid off and am back in my own place.  Kirsten, Larissa, Nora & Lauren were my Mosaic friends.  I met them all in a life group.  On my first visit I knew I’d found friends and we became just that close friends doing life together.  I miss having that in my life, but I am hopeful I will have some ladies to do life with again soon.
 
Someone I probably have not mentioned at all on this blog is a man named Joel.  He was a producer at a church I went to for a while prior to making Mosaic my home church.  I was freshly sober and scared of everything and somehow got put on the production team of this church to basically run the services.  By that, I mean I ran the ever so important Macbook that ran the pre and post house music, the pre and post screen loops, the worship lyrics, the teaching screens, the videos… the only thing I did not run was the lights and sound, but I learned how to do that too… well, the lights at least.  When I say I was scared of everything, I mean I really was scared of everything and everyone.  I had no idea how to do anything without alcohol and I walked around looking like a deer in headlights to everyone I encountered.  People were always asking me if I was okay and I always gave a very unsure “yeah”.   Joel had the task of taking this deer in headlights girl and making her into someone who could run church services like a pro and that is exactly what he did.  I remember the first time I was up to run point and he, being very smart, did not tell me.  Instead, he let me figure it out when I heard him praying for me in our pre-service prayer.  I had no time to freak out or get upset or think anything really.  The only thing I could do was quickly go over what I needed to do and just do it and I did.
 
This experience came in handy shortly thereafter when I was working with a filmmaker on a live non-profit show that featured celebrity guests.  One day I showed up a tad late at our downtown show location and the first words out of her mouth were “good you’re wearing something nice.  The host cancelled.  You’re it.”  And just as before, I did not have time to freak out and I relied on my previous experience to ask the questions I needed to ask and memorized what I needed to memorize and about 45 minutes later, after introducing myself to the celebrity guest and getting some information from him – I took the stage and played host for the evening.  It was so much fun!  I got to welcome the audience, introduce the guest and occasionally remind everyone why we were all there – for a charity called Kids Need to Read.  It was a great evening and we had a great time and more importantly I had a great time doing something I never thought I would ever do!  I’m an introvert after all, but I have realized that doing what I never thought I would do has been the name of the game for this deer in headlights girl.
 
After leaving Los Angeles, I got involved in Celebrate Recovery and soon found myself back on a stage.  This time I was giving my alcohol testimony and I did it for a few CR’s in the Jacksonville area.  The more I get on stage, the more comfortable I become.  I have learned the hard way that the only way to get over something that scares you is to do that very thing you fear.  Now, I give other people advice on how to overcome their fears and I routinely put those with public speaking fear on the spot because it is the only way anyone can ever over come that fear.  My next move is to get my teaching/preaching feet wet either in CR or in a Women’s Ministry, but I guess I need a CR or a church home for that. 
 
Actually, my CR leaders Jay and Karen in Florida also had a big impact on my growth over the last couple of years.  Looking back I now know the reason I was led to Celebrate Recovery – I needed a lot of healing.  I needed to learn to love myself.  I needed to learn how to make healthy choices and healthy decisions and healthy boundaries.  I needed to raise my self-respect and my self worth and that is exactly what I did.  I also was able to get my ministry feet wet by learning to become the women’s share group leader.  Jay and Karen are also the ones who got me onto the testimony circuit and provided feedback so I could get better at speaking in public.  I also needed to learn to love others, but I think that comes with being comfortable with yourself and understanding who and what you are.
 
This leads to the people that made the most impact on me. The Liz’s, Tonia’s and Tracy’s – the people who like me for me.  They think I am funny and intelligent and pretty and a whole lot of fun.  I didn’t know anyone could like me without alcohol.  I lived most of my life under the oppression of extreme social anxiety and it was not until I got sober, learned to be comfortable in uncomfortable situations and started making sober friends that I found true friendships that showed me things I never knew about my self.  I do belong and I do have a place in this world and there are people who cherish me for me.  I guess this is the biggest lesson I have learned because it is the lesson that freed me from trying to be anyone except me. 
I do not know what lies ahead for me, but I do know that I can handle whatever is coming my way.  Right now I am focusing on job hunting and once I land a job I can start making a place for myself while I get back on my financial feet.  I always wanted to leave Memphis and never come back, but maybe I wanted to leave because of what I needed to learn.

They say God might not be there when you need Him, but He is always right on time.  I guess the saying stands for those moments when life turns your time table on its side and lets it stay sideways for a while.  Events seem to happen at the absolute worst moments and nothing makes any sense.  You start to feel like you are in one of those metal crushers, you know the ones that crush cars?  You already thought pressure was coming from every angle possible, but you have been proven wrong when new and stronger pressures appear out of nowhere.  Each day you discover a new meaning to the phrase “stuck between a rock and a hard place” and that is one onion you never had any interest in peeling. 
 
I have been focusing on getting out of my job and getting out of my temporary living situation as soon as possible, but now due to a health hiccup, I am not even sure I can do that! This health hiccup, until resolved will keep me in the exact situation I am trying to escape.  I can’t even give up and go home because I have to keep my health insurance. It’s as if God through out a spike strip to halt me in my tracks.  The fact that I know I am not wanted in my temporary living situation makes it all the worse.  It really sucks when you are going through hell and the one person you find yourself at the mercy of really doesn’t like you, nor you him for that matter.  I am constantly afraid he is just going to abruptly kick me out.  He has already thrown the fact that he is letting me stay in his home in my face and people who do favors and then throw it back in people’s faces or hold those favors over their head are the exact people I don’t want to associate with and they are the exact people that would throw someone out abruptly.  My only saving grace is that I start paying rent this month so if he does try to throw me out – he is going to have to pay me for it.  Oh, and my wonderful car with the brand new coolant system is still having coolant problems.  I am back to adding coolant every few days!  I honestly don’t even know what to do right now.   I am trying to keep my plan on track by continuing to job hunt and if something more comes of this health hiccup, then I will have to re-evaluate the plan at that time.    I will know more in a couple of weeks, which incidentally coincides with my deadline of switching gears and preparing to head back home to Memphis.
 
The one bright light in all of this chaos is the fact that I have not even had the inkling to pick up a drink.  I mean what good would it do me anyway!  Yes, it might make me oblivious to all of my problems, but the problems would still be there only I would probably have more problems if I gave alcohol another chance.
 
I don’t know what I am being held in place for, but I just have to continue riding this crazy wave and trust that it will take me to where and who I need to be.  Besides, those of us that know Jesus will never find ourselves outside of His hands.  My Jax pastor said something the other day that struck me:  when Jesus was in the garden asking for the cup to be removed, the cup He was referring to was not all that would happen on the cross, He was referring to what would happen immediately after – the momentary separation from God that He would have to suffer on our behalf so that you and I would never have to spend one second out of His arms.