Happiness, hit her, like a train on a track Stuck still, coming towards her, no turning back -- “Dog Days Are Over” by Florence Welch & Isabella Summers This year has brought a lot of necessary change as well as some mighty useful life lessons. After three years of wrestling with whether or not I should move to Los Angeles, I shifted into gear and drove across the country and landed in the San Fernando Valley. I quickly became accustomed to the LA area traffic windows, pedestrians and the unfortunate parking situation that is known as the City of Beverly Hills. I mean what is there not to love about this town? It is beautiful here and it usually boasts awesome weather to boot. While I wish I could say this journey has been all smiles and no frowns, I would be lying. I recall that in one of my resolutions from last year I stated that I felt God might have some intentions that were not on my radar and He did. Enter Life Lesson #1: For reasons beyond my understanding at that time, God deemed it necessary that I get clean and sober and stay that way. After taking a couple of classes with Mastin Kipp (you can find him over at The Daily Love) I came to realize that my lack of sobriety was the one thing keeping everything from falling into place. It became clear to me that God was holding the key to my being able to stay in LA and that the only way He would hand over that key was if I handed Him my alcohol – something I wasn’t willing to do, but under the circumstances I had no choice. As the fog cleared and I started feeling feelings I’d never really felt before ( aka loneliness) I stumbled upon … Life Lesson #2: I found my Creator and Sustainer and He wasn’t mad at me nor did He want to punish me; quite the contrary, He wanted to love me and prepare me for the gifts He still plans on giving me. As I continued on my sober journey and took a second class with Mastin, I came to realize… Life Lesson #3 … that my fear of not being good enough is the root to every problem I have, including the alcohol. I learned that I continually sabotage myself by subconsciously seeking out people, places and things that reinforce my status of “fuck-up” or “black sheep” or “not good enough”. I learned that I have continually put myself in situations where I either didn’t have a chance to shine or never could shine so that I could keep my comfort status. I apparently decided that I’d rather amount to nothing and never achieve anything than face the fear of finding out if I am indeed good enough for myself, my family, my friends, much less a good man and the lovely masses. So for 2013 I only have one resolution and that is to reinforce the positive in my life, which in turn allows me to face my fear of not being good enough on every level possible. This means putting myself in situations where I have responsibility so I can start changing that comfort status of mine. God, being several steps ahead, already has things set in motion. I have a new job where I am learning how to handle studio assets and accounts, a volunteer position where I am learning how to handle the media portion of a church service and an internship where I will be handling a live show or two come spring. I am also reinstating my writer status and have three projects to kick me off. Reinforcing the positive also entails spending time with quality people that have good hearts and good minds and are supportive in nature and you know actually give more than a flying hoot when it comes to my world. Happiness does indeed sometimes hit like a freight train, especially for those like myself who fear anything that is actually good for us. I define happiness as a change that you don’t want or fear because you don’t realize that it sets the stage for all the things you want to come into your life. For me, sobriety hit me like a freight train. I hated it. It turned my comfy, miserable world upside down and made me realize what was actually keeping me in a deadly holding pattern. It also set the stage for me to uproot my greatest fear from my life and thereby make it possible for all the things I have secretly wished for to finally make an appearance in my life. So as we start this New Year, my only question for you is what is your freight train? What change do you need to make? I cannot promise it will be an easy ride, but I can promise it will most definitely be worth it.
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And when the rain falls down You know the flowers are gonna bloom And when the hard times come You know the teacher's in the room Excerpt: MICHAEL FRANTI - HAVE A LITTLE FAITH LYRICS To say this past month has been an emotional rollercoaster would be an understatement. I stay very busy between job hunting, my internship and other projects I have on the burner, but my addiction has been making a very convincing play for my life. I find that nights are the worst, which is when I would typically drink. I am also in amazement at how quickly I am returning to the person I was ten years ago. I thought I had evolved, but it turns out I was just drunk all this time. Today happens to be a good day and by that I mean that the monster living somewhere inside me is asleep. I see my addiction as this little green monster that stays locked up in a cell and from time to time he wakes up and throws a temper tantrum, which is when I crave like a crazed maniac. I just have to remember that if I feed the monster, he will get bigger and eventually break out of the cell and destroy my body and my life. But, if I do not feed the monster, his temper tantrum will eventually give way and he will give up and go back to sleep. The key is to not feed him. I recently read in 2 Corinthians that Paul talks about feeling as though the end is near, feeling as though there is no way out, but that his God continually rescues him. This made me think about my own cravings because when they come, they come strong and hard and I feel as though I will die if I don’t drink. It occurred to me that during these times I need to just talk to God about what I’m feeling and ask Him to handle that monster. I find that sometimes, just talking to God about my cravings and the fear and depression that comes with them can help restore some of my sanity. It also occurred to me that if I am having a craving when I have somewhere to be and feel too overwhelmed to go, I should make the decision to do nothing more than show up and tell God that He will have to handle the rest. Just showing up, after all, is something I can handle regardless of my state of being and I have found that when I am honest with God, He tends to honor my weakness by adding His own touch to the situation whether it be a friendly person, an easy on ramp, a parking spot right in front of the door or a renewed mind and spirit, I find that He shows up when I do. In fact, this entire post is an example of God honoring my weakness in that I honestly chose to sit at the computer even though I didn’t think I had anything to say for this month. With holiday season nipping at our heels, it turns out this is a great time to post about reliance on God. If you have a roof over your head, food on your table and people that love you then be THANKFUL for the gifts God has given you because these things we refer to as necessities really are nothing more than gifts from our Heavenly Father. If you are lacking in one or all of these departments don’t feel bad or unworthy. Instead, turn yourself over to God all day everyday, surrender to His will and ask for His plans for you. I have no doubt that He will see you through not only this holiday season, but through the rest of your life as well. Let me just put it this way, if He still has a plan for my self-sabotaging and addicted butt, then He has to have a plan for you too so talk to Him daily, get in His word and just keep showing up. Do these things and let him do the leading and you will have peace in knowing you are exactly where you are meant to be in order for His plan to unfold in your life. There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. – Anais Nin. You hear people say it all the time: Let me throw back a couple of drinks and I’ll be ready to hit up that bar or that party or that event. Hell, I said it all the time. I couldn’t leave the house, aside from work, before I had at least a drink or two in me, but why? What made it necessary for me to be lit before I could have a good time with people I considered close friends? What made it necessary for me to be lit before I could present a speech on a topic for which I cared deeply? What is it that I am choosing to drown instead of face? The answer is that dreaded four-letter f-word that seems to permeate every race, nation and walk of life… That word is FEAR. Fear has been with us almost since the beginning of time. In the Garden it was Pride that caused Adam and Eve to partake of the one tree that they were commanded not to touch. When Adam and Eve sinned, fear resulted. They became aware of their differences, they became aware of good and evil and as a result of this new knowledge they became afraid. They were so scared that God had to call them out from their hiding places. They immediately realized they were in over their heads that they had bit off more than they could chew, so to speak. The good news is that God never wanted us to live in such circumstances. The words “Do not be afraid” and “Fear not” occur over and over in His word to us, the Bible. 2 Timothy 1:7 claims that God did not give us a spirit of timidity and fear, but a spirit of power, of love and of self discipline. If you think about it, we are the ones who gave ourselves this spirit of fear when we decided to partake in that which we were not allowed. The moment we invited sin into this world fear came rushing in with it and fear continues to run side by side with sin creating havoc in our daily lives. Since we are the ones who invited fear into our lives, we have to be the ones to give it and all its friends the boot. How you ask? By choosing an action that leads to a state of empowerment rather than an action that leads to a state of powerlessness. For me, my use of alcohol directly corresponds to the amount of fear in my life. The more I am drinking the more timid I become… Well, not while I am drinking, but a system gets put into place without my even being aware. For example, let’s say I am meeting a large group of people for dinner. I know the majority of them, but there are going to be a bunch of friends of friends as well. Being a little shy, I decide to throw back a couple of stiff ones before I leave. I arrive at the party with confidence. That little voice in my head that does me damage is silenced…err drunk and so I am able to strike up conversation after conversation and have an enjoyable evening. Never mind that to everyone else at the party I am clearly lit… I am having a good time and making friends. That’s what it’s all about right? Well not exactly. You see, the problem is that next time I have an invite to dinner with some people I may not know, I am going to feel the need to drink beforehand and the more I rely on drinking to make me feel at ease and chatty the more trapped I become. What appears to be an easy and fun way to relax my nerves is actually a noose I am tightening around my own neck. The more I rely on the drink as opposed to myself, the tighter the noose gets and the more powerless I become. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but I have unknowingly conditioned myself to require a drink in order to do anything that makes me feel the least bit uncomfortable. What’s even worse is that daily ordinary life tasks become harder because I have also inadvertently taught my meager little mind that whenever I leave the house there is a chance for discomfort so my mind reacts by creating a state of fear around very normal mundane things like going somewhere new or trying to find a parking place. All of a sudden I am hit by a panic attack of sorts because my brain wants the alcohol to shut up the little voice that’s freaking out… after all that’s the only way I’ve taught my brain to deal with any discomfort. Luckily, our brain, yes, that thing that keeps us alive by telling our organs and muscles when to do what and why, is actually trainable. I, myself, am in the process of getting out of the fear cycle. I have been sober before and I have to say that I actually have had the better times of my life sober… maybe that’s because I can actually remember them. Last time I was sober I realized how much of life I was missing while drinking. Experiences are so much richer when you are completely present for them. I also really liked the person I was when I was sober. A funny thing happened: as alcohol was pushed out of my life, the less timid I became for a while…. Then a resurgence of fear returned. Just like with any sort of behavioral training sometimes there are set backs as the mind suddenly realizes its own transformation and for some reason it gets scared. It realizes it is in new territory and suddenly longs for the days of old where it knew how to handle what was coming at it. In the end my fearful brain won out and I returned to drinking to calm my nerves, keep me comfortable and retain what I thought was a spec of happiness. As I returned to the drinking my fear came back tenfold and this confident, chatty woman became the most timid being on the face of the planet. A lot of my creativity and productivity also suffered. Basically I became less and alcohol became more until I once again got fed up with having to have a drink or four in order to have a good time. That’s no way to live! I remembered how strong I was when I was sober and I remembered how good it felt to be comfortable with being uncomfortable and I wanted that feeling back. I am penning this on the evening of September 11th, a day in our American history where we all felt a loss of power both as a nation and as individuals. Our nation and our people wasted no time bouncing back from this tragedy for we were not going to let our enemies have the satisfaction of seeing us whither and die under the cloak of fear. I have no plans of doing such either. I am around three weeks sober as of this writing. To say getting sober this time around has been difficult would be an extreme understatement. I find myself scared of pretty much everything these days, but each time I venture somewhere new I know I have a choice to make. I can either face the fear, humiliation or whatever it is hiding as in my brain, head on or I can just retreat and promise to try again tomorrow. The funny thing is the times I choose to face the fear head on the more things seem to fall into place like I’ve initiated some sort of snow ball affect for blessings. On the contrary, the times I find myself unable to face my fear and choose retreat instead, I seem to invoke a rather evil snowball affect where countless things go wrong until I am able to choose to face my fear again. In other words, each time I choose to properly empower myself and live out 2 Timothy 1:7 I render positive consequences in my life and isn’t that what we all want? I have to be honest that these first two months in Los Angeles have not been easy. For one, I am up in the valley and apparently “no one hires people from up there”. Second, I happen to live with six female college students who don’t speak a lick of English as they are all from the great land that owns us, China. Being from China you would think they would be at least a little tidy, but they are just like American college students in that they are filthy and apparently under the impression that a fairy is going to clean up after them. My biggest problem as of right now is parking in that I am not use to having to have cash on hand 24/7 to park and I happen to be out of cash at the moment. Dear State Farm Bank: Please send me my debit card, as it is of utmost importance that I receive it. I am also not use to pedestrians being everywhere so if you, a pedestrian, see a silver Impala please look before crossing because I am probably not even aware that you exist. On the bright side, I am finally starting to get a handle on navigating this giant city and as a result only make one wrong turn per trip, which is an improvement of gigantic proportions.
Boredom and lack of human interaction has also been a major problem in these first two months. As is being stuck in a hot, un-air conditioned house in the valley that could use some serious TLC. Moreover, I am facing the fact that I need income as medical bills keep arriving that I cannot pay. Adding to the boredom and impending financial doom is the fact that I am getting sober for the umpteenth time. Needless to say, I need something to give and I need it to give now. Unfortunately, I seem to be sending out resumes left and right and nobody seems to be interested. Moreover, those that are “interested” only seem to be interested in telling me that I need to “move to the city” or better yet “you need some experience before you can intern here”. Um, really? I thought internships were for experience and as a matter of fact, I am in the city! And for the love of God, the 405 is not that bad! Suck it up Lalians, Suck it up! Any who, things got to the point that I felt like I was suppose to receive some sort of key in order to actually live here and without that key I would be doomed to wander the streets as a beggar. No matter how much I prayed or cried, nothing seemed to be changing. I felt locked out and I had no one to seek advice from and I didn’t know what to do so I did the only thing I could do… I unloaded all of this on the poor messianic pastor at the messianic synagogue I have been visiting and I did this unloading during the service. He, obviously having dealt with a bunch of crazy people in his life, asked if I had ever tried fasting and prayer. He said that whenever he needs a breakthrough in life, whether it is financial, relational, emotional or physical, he sets aside a day or a weekend to fast and pray. He told me that Yeshua, himself, in the seventeenth chapter of Matthew, told His disciples that some problems require fasting and prayer. As luck would have it, the congregation was having a day of breakthrough prayer and fasting the very next day. I assume you think I went. You would be wrong. I got scared at everyone trying to get me to go so I left the service as quickly as possible. I must have resembled a dear caught in headlights. Note to self: flight response is alive and kicking; fight response – not so much. After I got home, I looked up Matthew chapter seventeen and found in verse twenty-one that Yeshua did indeed say that some things can only be conquered through prayer and fasting so I decided to do my own little version in the solitude and safety of my little rented room in the hot, sticky valley that everyone pretends doesn’t exist. Being that I have never done this before and being that I always have a bit of method to my madness, I decided to plan out my six hours of prayer and fasting… I’ve never done this before and thought a whole day was a little presumptive of myself. Hour 1 (12-1pm) – Praise Hour 2 (1-2pm) – Prayer Hour 3 (2-3pm) – Praise Bathroom Break Hour 4 (3-4pm) – Scripture Hour 5 (4-5pm) – Prayer Hour 6 (5-6pm) – Praise Okay, so maybe I did a lot more praising than I did praying, but due to a recent realization, I actually connect to God through praise much more than I connect through prayer. While, I could probably do a whole post on all that thought encompasses, it will not be done today. I do have to say that the experience did not disappoint. I thought I was going to be bored. I thought I would not be able to concentrate or run out of things to say, but let me tell you that when the God of the Universe wants to talk, He has a way of commanding your attention beyond all of your human capabilities. I used the Praise & Worship channel on Pandora for my praise hours and actually found some songs and artists that I really enjoyed. As for the first hour of prayer… I began by telling my God and King my purpose for this time and explained in detail what I was feeling and what I felt I needed from Him. After that, I opened up the floor for Him to speak and well, let’s just say He relayed what He needed from me before He could give me what I claimed to so desperately want! I had recently taken a class entitled Actualizing Your Soul’s Goals with Mastin Kipp from The Daily Love, an online blog and community. In this class Mastin taught us the difference between goals and intentions and lead us through a series of exercises designed to bring out our own individual purposes for this life. By the end of the class everyone had a list of intentions, goals and grounded action steps to help them reach the goals that would bring true fulfillment. I have to say the class was awesome and I was immediately hit between the eyes with the realization of what was keeping me in a very unhealthy cyclical holding pattern from which I was desperate to break free. I thought the work from that class was done, but during the first hour of prayer God took all of my class work and went much, much deeper. I ended up spending the last thirty minutes of prayer completely re-writing my intentions, my purpose and something Mastin calls my Major Definite Purpose. I had gotten ahead of myself in the class and while the majority of what I wrote was and is true, I have work to do before I actually get there. AMAZING! After the initial prayer hour, I continued with my itinerary until I came to the scripture hour. I actually didn’t have a clue as to what I was going to do with that hour. I suppose I was planning on looking up some verses on some particular topics I am struggling with but I ended up just asking God to guide me as I opened His book and He did. It seems He has some things to tell me about life and how one is to live life. He directed me to several scriptures, one of them being 1 Thessalonians where Paul talks to the new Christians regarding how they are to live their lives and why. He also led me to look over the Ten Commandments again. It seems as though God wanted to remind me that He has some advice on this thing called life and that it would be good for me to familiarize myself with such advice both on a physically practical level and on a mentally practical level. And don’t think the hours of praise were a vacation either. I strained to really listen to and contemplate the meaning of the words I was singing and in those words I found God speaking loud and clear regarding many aspects of my life. It is interesting to note that I now feel that my own personal life purpose is to… “Be a blessing to everyone I meet by empowering myself so that I can empower others to live out their own individual purposes thereby sharing their own unique gifts with the world and making the world a better place by having done so.” … When I am so far from being a blessing in any sense of the word to any other human being on this planet. In simplest terms, I have a lot of transforming to do in terms of what I say and what I do blending into a recognizable harmony. All in all, I am very happy with the outcome of my first ever day of prayer and fasting and feel it is a great way to reconnect with God, empower yourself when feeling vulnerable or need divine insight into a person or situation. It is especially useful for times when a breakthrough is needed. If the door is locked, go to the Person with the key… You know, the Person who created the door and the lock or at least allowed the lock to exist. Of course, the challenge is to keep your focus on God and His love and NOT on the end result because God will only give you that which you are ready to receive. Though you can be sure that He will reveal exactly what you need to cultivate in your life in order to be ready for that which you want. As for me, I guess I was ready. Let’s just say that the giant door on the entertainment industry appears to now be unlocked. I have received a multitude of internship opportunities and am in the midst of the selection process as I type this post. On an even more pleasing note, I am beginning to receive interviews for paid positions within the industry too. Hopefully, I will land an offer soon and be well on my way to obtaining a place of my own in this land known as La la. I have to say that these past two weeks have been a very exciting and busy time and while I do have several blogs in progress I do not yet have any of them finished. After finalizing my new digs, I had to find a bank, find health insurance, contact my car insurance, clean out my entire life and decide what’s coming with me, change my mailing address with the entire world, get my car checked out and the list goes on and on does it not? One thing I can say for sure is that I have been at the feet of God begging for discernment and confirmation throughout this entire ordeal and I thought I’d share a few things with you because it is awesome and not all that often when you ask Almighty God for something and He delivers immediately.
As always, I have to take you back to the beginning. It was Thursday, June 14th and I was going insane with worry. I mean I was seriously starting to question this whole move because I simply could not find a roommate due to my location. That night, I begged God to let the next puzzle piece fall if this move is right and good for me. The very next day I had three roommate options. I felt in my heart that this was God saying a gigantic YES in regards to Los Angeles and that it’s not some stupid dream I’m chasing, but is instead an actual part of God’s plan for my life. So after I got this information, I was still on the fence as to whether the time to move was upon me and so I begged God to make it abundantly clear to me that now is the time. I specifically asked Him for another Los Angeles area employer to contact me regarding a position and reminded God of all of the crazy things people in the Bible asked of Him in order to confirm His will in their lives and how, to the best of my recollection, He always answered these requests. Now, I knew I couldn’t make God answer me, but I sure could plead my best case and I did have an honest desire to know whether or not I was moving within His will and more specifically, whether or not I had His provision. The very next day a film production company in Hollywood contacted me regarding an opportunity. So at this point I know it’s LA or bust and I needed to pick the right roommate option and this time around I simply asked God that if He had a better place for me to live, He needed to bring that place into my life before I finalized a move-in date with one of the three options I mentioned earlier. No, another roommate did not show up, but God brought to mind a lot of positive things about this option and my brother spoke to someone who lives in the area and was told that it is a really nice, safe, family area and great for a newcomer. So at this point you would think I’d feel good about picking up my life and relocating it to Los Angeles, right? Well, wrong. There is another huge piece of the puzzle missing. It is called income. It is important. You know what else is important? Health Insurance. I have applied for an individual policy, but due to that giant C word, I do not know if I will be allowed entry into the health insurance club plus there is the fact that I might not be able to afford the premiums due to that giant C lurking in my past. I find it rather harsh and rude: Congratulations you are a survivor, but please accept our sincerest apologies because if you get it again we will most certainly not help you survive it again! Anyhow, that’s a soapbox for another day. Where was I? Oh, yes, you would think that I would have peace about Los Angeles at this point. After all, God provided immediate confirmations, but I was still freaking out. What can I say? I am human. So my last and final request concerning the whole money issue was that I would have an interview set up in Los Angeles before I leave Memphis in order to confirm that a job is coming my way and soon! Of course, this would also confirm that I would either be able to afford the insurance premiums or be under a group policy in the not too distant future. I have to admit that I felt very wrong making such a request, but I was reminded of the outlandish requests made of God in the Bible by those, who like me, just wanted to make sure they were in God’s will and had His provision. If you haven’t guessed already, I have an interview set up for Tuesday, July 10th with a staffing agency in West Los Angeles. That call came two days after I made the request. So as I drive Interstate Forty west this week I do have an overwhelming peace that I am in God’s will and that I do have His provision and that knowledge makes the trip that much sweeter. I know the first few months are going to be a little rocky, but I have faith built on evidence of God at work in my life that I am going to be just fine. I hope all of my readers that are celebrating this holiday week have a safe and happy 4th of July and if Winston is reading this from over THERE: Stay Safe & Come Visit When You Can! “There comes a moment when you have to stop revving up the car and shove it into gear.” – David Mahoney.
Anyone remember that video you saw in biology class? You know the one where a jaguar has two little cubs and the male cub is very active while the female cub is timid and refuses to do anything but hide? Well, for some reason I have always identified myself with that female cub. In the video this female cub’s fear causes her to refrain from activities that would teach her to survive resulting in her becoming someone else’s dinner. From the moment I saw this documentary something inside of me said, “That’s me. And that’s what’s going to happen to me.” Why, I haven’t the slightest idea. There is no proof to back up such a thought, but nonetheless, I have believed and acted upon that very thought for quite some many years. I am now in the process of taking back my God given power. I think I’ve been afraid to make mistakes. Someone I once looked up to spoke about how if we get off our divine paths we would miss the blessings of God. While I think this person probably meant well, I took what they said and allowed it to create a state of fear in me and just like that female cub I chose to simply not. I’ve never had the privilege of being one of those lovely people who practically came out of the womb knowing exactly what they wanted to do with their lives and my timid personality did nothing but prolong the ugly situation. As life would have it I have gotten a well-rounded idea of what I do not like and what I do not want to do with my life by refraining to do and just be. So now I am starting over at the about to be lovely age of thirty-two. Am I scared? Yes. Do I care? Not really. If I want to design a new life for myself and go after my own God given dreams I cannot stay in my current city, as it does not meet my needs. And I have to admit that the prospect of just picking up and moving across the country in the middle of a not so great economy does not sit too well with eighty percent of my being. The other twenty percent, however, is one hundred percent on board with the notion. This whole scenario has me thinking about Abraham and Isaac. I mean if I’m this uncomfortable with the simple notion of moving across the country without a secured job, how much more freaked out was Abraham to take his son up to that alter! Thankfully, for Abraham and Isaac, God only wanted to see the extent of Abraham’s loyalty and never actually intended on making Abraham perform such a sacrifice. That’s pretty much the scenario I’ve been hoping for… However, there are times when God does want us to step out of our comfort zone and do something that we might have zero comfort in doing. But if God does require us to step out of our comfort zone or go through something unpleasant we can be sure He has a reason for asking us to do so. I have found that God usually uses such experiences to teach us something about ourselves, about Him or both. Take the very well known tale by the name of Alice in Wonderland, for example. Alice struggled with doing what everyone told her she ought to do versus living life by her own rule book and following her heart. During her trip to Wonderland she yet again gets confronted with everyone trying to tell her who she is and what she is supposed to do only this time she was being told things she couldn’t begin to believe about herself or her own ability and it was not until she remembered who her father was that she realized who she really was and finally harnessed her own power. Drawing a parallel between Alice in Wonderland and God might seem a bit odd, but just like Alice, once you and I realize just who our spiritual Father is, we will recognize that we too have the power to make our own God-given dreams a reality. Will there be fear? Yes, but one thing I’ve learned you can always count on is this: God will either provide the way or walk with you hand in hand the entire way through. So, if you, like myself, are about to embark on a journey that you know you must make, but feel a bit overwhelmed concerning those darn what-if thoughts… Well, take heart. God has a plan to either supernaturally supply what you need like He did for Abraham or He will walk beside you the entire way while imparting His wisdom to boot. Either way, if you keep close to God and keep moving forward you will reach your destination and come into your own destiny and I know I will too. How come it is so easy for us to believe in our doubts, yet so hard for us to believe in our faith? After all, neither has any absolute concrete tangible proof so why do we always tend to lean towards the negative instead of the positive? Many of us can trust God to get us from our house to our office without a major traffic accident, but we crumble when it comes to trusting God to open up the right career door or introduce us to the right mate. What gives? God is still God. He hasn’t changed. He is still the same God that parted the sea for the Israelites to cross to safety. He is still the same God that healed the sick, led Ruth to Boaz and out of love actually made the sun reverse direction to prove His promise to Hezekiah when He added fifteen years to his life. He is still the same God that conquered death and rolled away the stone from His own tomb thereby making it possible for you and me to have a hope and a limitless future. Does anything really seem too hard or impossible for this God of Israel? Is it really impossible for Him to open up an opportunity for you? Is it really impossible for Him to introduce you to the right mate at the right time? Is it really impossible for Him to move you by His supernatural hand? Is it absurd that you should focus on your limited resources when God has limitless resources in the form of divine appointments, moments of favor and mind bowing miracles some of which we have become so accustomed to that we have forgotten that they are miracles?
In my own life I find myself constantly struggling between believing God for the promises He has placed on my heart and crumbling with doubt and uncertainty in complete bleakness and misery. I know God did not place me on this planet to flail around screaming and crying and freaking out, but I sure do find myself doing just that much more often than not. A worried and doubtful heart is not a good thing to have as it leads to confusion and makes it very hard for its owner to accomplish much of anything and I have to say that my life thus far is living proof of the fact. I have to wonder how my life would change if I just stopped doubting and chose to believe the promises God has placed on my heart. I know I’d have a lot more peace and a much better attitude and who knows… things might go better too. Now, will everything go exactly as I want it to? Probably not, but that is where faith in God’s Timing comes into play. Timing is important. A pastor here in Memphis believes that the Israelites had to spend those forty years in the desert for a reason. This pastor believes that the Israelites needed time to walk with God and by doing so they learned to trust and obey Him and that they needed that trust and obedience when it came time to enter the land of milk and honey God had prepared for them. I too have had some recent experience in the “perfect timing” department. For instance, I recently toyed with the idea of emailing some rabbis in a city where I knew a particular family resided and attended synagogue. About a month later I finally got around to sending that email and would you know that not only did I pick the right rabbi, but a member of that family was in the office when the rabbi opened my email and read it to this person who then jumped on the computer and responded to my email and graciously included his contact information. I’m sorry, but I still find that whole scenario somewhat mind-blowing. Had that particular member of the family not been in the office the exact moment the rabbi read my email I could have gotten lost in a mountain of paperwork or even had my email deleted due to the weirdo factor, but thanks to right timing none of that happened. I believe this to be an example of how God is still in control of time and for good reason too. So since we are in the season of miracles what with Passover and Easter each celebrating a mind-blowing miracle of their own concerning the redeeming blood of the Sacrificial Lamb… I am kicking doubt to the curb. No more giving power to my doubts by believing them. Instead, I am choosing to believe God and the promises He has placed on my heart no matter what. From now on I am answering my doubts with God’s word and only His word. I am going to be thirty-two soon and I frankly cannot afford to spend another day wondering around confused, worried and defeated because I am allowing my fears to grow stronger than my God. Happy Passover/Easter to those celebrating and may the miracles involved in each serve as a reminder of the great and awesome power of our God. |
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